Separated from abusive ex, but he's wealth won him the day in court-how do i get over situation?

[thejanuarys]

I finally got a NMO against abusive after he attacked me and broke my nose, damaged my knee and my jaw - he's been hurting me for years - physically, psychologically, emotionally, and when my daughter was born, he began to be aggressive towards her - and other things - in between bouts of being nice to her.

I negotiated a deal with him re house, school, maintenance, car, but before the papers were signed, he assaulted my daughter twice. I called the police, who told me not to give him contact, and he shouted 'the deal is off'.

So, I had to go to court to get the deal. But his legal team skillfully 'hid' my evidence in the bundle, and even omitted some of it, and his barrister wrote notes all over my position statement, so when the judge read it, she read barrister's comments as well. Unbeknownst to me at the time. Resolutely lost the case, and had the most awful financial terms put upon me and my daughter. I was a litigant in person as I can't afford legal counsel. I don't qualify for legal aid as I have just a bit too much equity in my home, which I can't sell, otherwise massive disruption to school and work life and I don't want to leave our community.

I can't get over the injustice of it. I already pay a high price because my injuries are life long injuries now and I need constant treatment for the jaw and the knee. But I am so poor. And he is not. And he has contact with my daughter, because judges deem it to be appropriate for him to do so.

Do I just get on with my awful financial situation, and the injustice of the injuries towards me, or do I fight back? Do I ask him for mediation? - although I've been counselled by domestic violence women's groups that as he is a controlling abuser, he would just use my mediation to harm me again.

Is this the lot of women who face domestic violence?

Do I just get on with it? After all, when he was in the house and abusive, I just got on with it for years? Is this what my life has been reduced to? I feel so powerless, sad, unable to feel get my head around how I cope with this. I am so pent up, I can't even cry, though I am bursting with pent up tears.

Any advice?

Don't out up with this more legal advice

Come on you lot out there !! This woman needs advice

What did you ask for and what did you get? Adjustments financially usually follow a divorce as unless there are two high earners lifestyles do decrease.

Why didn't you pay for a solicitor, even if only for the court appearance. Representing yourself against his legal team was always going to be hard. Solicitors usually allow payment plans.

Not getting a solicitor was a hugely false economy as you can see now. My advice would be to find out if you can appeal, try again to get legal aid and find a free or low cost solicitor.

No point in mediation, as Women's Aid said.

Also, did you press charges for the physical assaults he committed against you and your child?

Thanks for this response!

No, I didn't press charges as the police man said that it would be a lengthy process and best to nip it in the bud with a NMO. Hindsight - totally wrong advice.

Didn't call the police when he was harmful to my daughter as we were too traumatised. The one time he breached the NMO and barged into the house terrorising us, the police came, but did nothing as the NMO had just expired! I felt too traumatised to go back to court. Hindsight - totally wrong.

Used my meagre savings on solicitor for contact issues. Had no money for financial as I thought the matter was straightforward. I had not anticipated opposing counsel would be so nasty.

Can't do 'adjustments' as we were never married, so law on co-habiting couples still very different.

We jointly own house, so half already mine, maintenance for daughter, small lump sum for car and small lump sum for damage he did to the house. I got maintenance for my daughter.

He lied and said my half of the house was 'gifted to me' and therefore Judge took this as full and final settlement of my schedule 1 claim. I was never given a chance to question this point - the case was so brief and the opposing counsel took most of the time.

Is an appeal realistic?
x

Oh god, this sounds horrendous and I have no idea of legalities.
Social services? Are they involved? How old is your daughter? What were her injuries?
Is th value of your share of the house good enough for you to sell up, down size and buy yourself a legal team?

I'm not a lawyer so I can't advise on the legalities but an appeal seems the obvious first step. I would post is on the legal forum.

You must get a lawyer who's experienced in abuse.

I would contact the following:

WA tell them what's happened, ask their advice and request a list of solicitors who specialise in abuse in your area.

Google for your local Domestic Violence One Stop Shop - they have lawyers who will be able to look over your case thus far and advise you.

That should give you options.

Personally I would go back to the police and report the violence against your daughter. And tell them their advise not to prosecute your ex was really poor - they need to know the consequences.

I would contact social services and explain that due to lack of funds you were trounced in court and you're seriously concerned for your daughter's safety.

This not is, advice not advise ^^

AFAIK you would probably qualify for legal aid because of the abuse you didn't press charges but there will still be a record of the attack and should be when he attacked your dd and you hAve the NMO. CAB should be able to help clarify and help you sort a solicitor and the legal aid aspect.
I'm not sure if you can stop the contact if it's been ordered by the court. You can get a free half hour session with a solicitor and they should be able to advise better then me.
Also you can request cafcass to become involved they will assign an officer who will look at everything and interview you your ex and dd and they can advise the judge what is best for the child and the judge tends to listen them over the solicitors and parents. I did this during a court case over my dd1 and contact with her f as I felt the judge wasn't taking my concerns seriously enough.

I hope this gets sorted for you both soon.

Thank you again.
But listen up to this: social services were involved, but social worker when doing her s7 report DIDN'T contact my GP for evidence. I only found out after the report was done, and complained to social services, and her manager told her to re-do the report to submit to the court. But still she did not include all my evidence. So, it went to the court in Contact Matters and whatever I said against the report, the judge did not side with me. Apparently you can't question a social worker in court. Hence he got contact.

And at the legal hearing, opposing counsel argued to the Judge that all Contact Proceedings had been completed, and convinced Judge not to look at my vindication from social service that the report was flawed. So, she would not let me refer to it.

I have tried all avenues of legal support, but even the CAB 'means tested' me and said that my just too much equity meant that I could not call on their services.

Social services want to be involved again, however, I can't envisage putting my daughter through the process again. Also, even though most of the harm to her happened when she was too young to memorise it, hence the NMO, her recent encounters with him have not proved any instances of his aggression towards her.

But I am mindful of what women's agencies said to me that as his behaviour has not been questioned, so he has not been told to change, then his controlling ways will continue with her at some stage as controlling abuser do not change. But I will have to 'wait' until the next incident.

Sad place to be in.

I wil post on legal page - as I feel I need to sort this out. x

I post this primarily as a salutary tale - as I can't be alone in this, and I know, with all the legal aid cuts, that I won't be the last.
But also to get great advice. x

The thing is, you weren't married to him, so you're not legally entitled to his money apart from maintenance for your child.

If it's not too late you should press charges for the assault against you. Especially if it has called serious permanent damage you need ongoing treatment for. But you will need good legal representation!

To me the biggest issue is that he still has access to your child even though he assaulted her. I can't believe you didn't report it to the police tbh. Can you do that now?

caused not called

Sorry, as you didn't mention SS and didn't report dds assault to the police, I assumed they hadn't been involved.

It's shocking, although sadly I'm not surprised, that the court, SS and the police between them have completely failed to protect your child.

I know it's boring and annoying but I really think you need to back to SS and keep in contact with them. I totally understand why you don't want to go through it and put your daughter through it again, but I think it's really important.

I don't know if it's technically possible to press charges against your ex for assault, but that occurred to me too.

The other option, although it will take money, is to pursue a civil claim against him for damages.

I truly think there is only one answer for men like him. Its probably illegal for me to advise it here so i wont.

Under Schedule 1 of the Children's Act, separating co-habiting couples can claim a lump sum and a car. The lump sum was modest to repair damage he did to the house in his fits of temper, and the car is essential for me to do all my daughter's commitments. I've already had to curb quite a few of them because we don't have a car. Understand the confusion. But this is the right legal position re this. In fact, Schedule 1 goes even further if the opposing ex co-habitee is really wealthy.

Re the assaults on her, I was not there, but I did inform the police afterwards. As I did not witness it, and as I found out about it after it happened (she was in tears and didn't want to see him) they said that it was difficult to go ahead with any action.

And re pressing charges against him, police say it's too late. Similar civil claim. It's too late. After he did it, I was so traumatised, that I was just glad he was out of the house. I did what I thought was the right thing - build my life again, get counselling for the pts because of the attack. I stupidly thought that would be the end of that, and it would be his final wake up call. But I hadn't anticipated the malice of his legal team.

So, again, part of this is a salutary tale for anyone out there - you must report everything / you must document everything - however incidental / you must be proactive, even though all you want to do is bask in the space you have to finally breath. That's how I felt. Stupid, I know - but all hindsight.

And yes, in my bleaker moments, you are right, there is only one thing for him - but them I'm a pacifist! And I am so aware that I do not do anything 'tit-for-tat' as that means my daughter will get the brunt of it from both sides. She needs my side to be always safe. In all senses of that word.

Still want more advice - as I said, my tale is going to become more common because of cut of legal aid. x

And yes, shocking is not the word. I just presumed that the SS and police would do what I thought they would do. But since I have found out, not only from the women's advice lines, but also from other stuff, that this just does not happen. This is why Theresa May, home secretary, identified severe lack of due process by the police re domestic violence call outs, and hence she started a review of it and recently established a new code for the police to follow re domestic violence. Police now have the power to prosecute automatically, even if mother is reluctant. I wasn't, I was just told it would be a waste of time, so just best get safe with the NMO. x

"Under Schedule 1 of the Children's Act, separating co-habiting couples can claim a lump sum and a car."

That just means that you have the right to claim. It doesn't mean you will be successful in your claim unfortunately.

What is it you want exactly?

Well at least the police have a record of his assaulting dd.

There are lawyers who post here and if one sees this thread you may get more informed advice.

But even then they can only really advise you in general terms, and it seems to me you need real life legal advice on the specifics of your case ASAP.

Mediation is never recommended in cases of abuse. He will just use it to continue the abuse. Please don't be so naive to even consider it as an option.

Has this gone to the third stage in court?

Just to clarify - the reason the courts gave him contact even though he harmed my daughter, was because the social worker didn't include the incidents of harm to my daughter in her s.7 report. And so the report went to the court, and I couldn't question her about it, as the Judge said 'this is not a fact finding hearing, it is about contact'. Please remember, SS report was subsequently investigated by the local authority, and they vindicated my position.

But SS do not have the same responsibility to 'correct' an error(s) to the court as CAFCASS does. With CAFCASS, if there was something wrong in their report, they acknowledge it and inform the court. SS do not have the same duty.

Again, just a salutary tale. I was learning all the time. The system is not working.

If you went to appeal, could SS write a new report correcting the omissions of the previous one? Or could the old one be amended?

The schedule 1 claim happens if the opposing party has the means to pay. And he used as much on his legal counsel to trounce me as was my claim.

If he was a normal person, then...well then this would not have happened. But he is aggressive. And rather than settling, for the benefit of my daughter, he used that money to trounce me in court. As I wasn't allowed to show this aggressive tendency - remember the Judge in the Financial hearing would not look at the Independent report stating that the social worker didn't look into his 'behaviours', so I was not allowed to refer to it to make my claim for the lump sum for the damage he did to the house.

All I wanted was for him to put maintenance in place (he constantly threatened and did withdraw it on his whims); a car for my daughter's activities; and a lump sum to pay for the damage he did to the house. Nothing more.

But instead, I only got maintenance for my daughter, and then three awful clauses where the joint house is sold before my daughter is 18. I had not anticipated this whatsoever, and that is why I am so unsettled. Because one of the clauses will happen in a few years time (my dd is only 8 years old) and I am fearful.

I guess this is why a legal person is needed - cos there are so many variables , not least the aggression of the opposing counsel against a litigant in person - but having gone through my experience, my wish is to ....to just know how to handle it.

Do I resign myself to the fact that his harm is going to continue - this time via the legal order, and just live with it, or do I fight it?

Is this what happens when you don't have legal counsel when facing domestic violence?

Should I just go off and do lots of yoga and meditation??

Has the house sell been set at a certain level? This is key, plus continuity of schools, especially secondary schools.

Have a look at it this way. Your child is only 8, so therefore a change of schools won't affect her too much. It's not too late to start up in a different area, where property is cheaper. I've still got good friends whose children started the primary school when 9/10. It can be done and would perhaps free you financially. Living in a cheaper area doesn't necessarily mean that your child won't flourish at school.