Separated from abusive ex, but he's wealth won him the day in court-how do i get over situation?

[thejanuarys]

I finally got a NMO against abusive after he attacked me and broke my nose, damaged my knee and my jaw - he's been hurting me for years - physically, psychologically, emotionally, and when my daughter was born, he began to be aggressive towards her - and other things - in between bouts of being nice to her.

I negotiated a deal with him re house, school, maintenance, car, but before the papers were signed, he assaulted my daughter twice. I called the police, who told me not to give him contact, and he shouted 'the deal is off'.

So, I had to go to court to get the deal. But his legal team skillfully 'hid' my evidence in the bundle, and even omitted some of it, and his barrister wrote notes all over my position statement, so when the judge read it, she read barrister's comments as well. Unbeknownst to me at the time. Resolutely lost the case, and had the most awful financial terms put upon me and my daughter. I was a litigant in person as I can't afford legal counsel. I don't qualify for legal aid as I have just a bit too much equity in my home, which I can't sell, otherwise massive disruption to school and work life and I don't want to leave our community.

I can't get over the injustice of it. I already pay a high price because my injuries are life long injuries now and I need constant treatment for the jaw and the knee. But I am so poor. And he is not. And he has contact with my daughter, because judges deem it to be appropriate for him to do so.

Do I just get on with my awful financial situation, and the injustice of the injuries towards me, or do I fight back? Do I ask him for mediation? - although I've been counselled by domestic violence women's groups that as he is a controlling abuser, he would just use my mediation to harm me again.

Is this the lot of women who face domestic violence?

Do I just get on with it? After all, when he was in the house and abusive, I just got on with it for years? Is this what my life has been reduced to? I feel so powerless, sad, unable to feel get my head around how I cope with this. I am so pent up, I can't even cry, though I am bursting with pent up tears.

Any advice?

Personally I would fight it, without question, because the safety of your daughter is at risk.

I don't know what your financial situation is exactly, do you have family you could borrow from?

SS have said that they'd like to do a new report, to take into account my daughter. But two issues here. Most of the awful harm has not happened in the last year. And secondly, do I make my daughter go through this awful process? And believe me, it is not a walk in the park.

And the other matter in this is ex has Parental Responsibility and he has to also give permission. He won't.

So, SS can't do anything unless they get both parent's permission as they are acting on the back of a report vindicating my position. So, ex is not going to be happy to open up that can of worms. Because he will be found out.

So, again, it is a salutary tale for those who may be going through a similar position.

Does the SS report have to be time-limited to a year? Or is it overall?

I can well imagine exactly how hard it would be for your daughter to go through it again. But it's vital for her own protection. She is simply not safe with your ex. Short term stress is well worth her long term safety.

Imagine if he put her in hospital as he did you?

I can't move out of my area - just logistics. I take daughter to school, I run to the tube, go to work, come back, run to pick her up. Then homework etc. And moving would mean that we'd have to move a long way out of where we are - totally different community, school, etc, and importantly for me, I could not do the tight journeys to work. I have to be at work at a set time. I did think about that, as it would reduce a huge amount of hassle, but not feasible. Re secondary schools, he won't allow her to move from the area because of catchment situation. I need his permission to sell the house. There is no independence for me. Sadly.

Sadly, I'm not in a position to borrow money. So, I thought when the house was sold when daughter is 18, then I could move wherever I wanted. But as the clauses he'd had imposed 'without consent' then the house sale will sooner, and I don't feel that is right.

It all comes down to his legal team's argument that my legitimate half share of the house (we bought together in joint names) was 'gifted to me' and so should satisfy my Schedule 1 claim. Didn't have time in court to challenge this as Judge never allowed me to speak about it, she just took it as a fact. Because she didn't believe what I'd said about him, because opposing counsel stated that she could not look at the report from SS that it his behaviour has not been investigated.

I think you need to be wary of decisions designed to protect your daughter from trauma in the short term that actually increase her long term risk of it.

Not reporting ex's abuse of her to police, not going back to SS now, while well-intended, leaves her exposed to greater harm in the long run.

What contact does your dd have with her f and is it supervised?

When did you report the injuries he inflicted on you to the police and when did you get the non-mol that had expired when he barged into your home? Did you re-apply and do you have a non-mol in place now?

Assuming that you made a Schedule 1 claim against him in the hope that you could secure the deal you negotiated before he failed/refused to sign the papers, were those papers drawn up by a solicitor and in what way does the decision of the court differ from that which had been negotiated?

On what date did you go to court? Unless the judge set a different time limit, you have 21 days from date of the decision to appeal but you can only do so if, for example, the judge made a serious error or failed to follow proper legal procedure. If this period has been exceeded it may be possible to apply for leave to appeal out of time.

As it sounds as if you were somewhat overwhelmed by the proceedings I would not advise you to appear as a litigant in person at any appeal court hearing. That said, appeal court judges can be more considerate of those who represent themselves than their colleagues in the lower courts but, neverthless, you may be ordered to pay (his) the other side's costs if you are unsuccessful.

As the costs of an appeal will far exceed that which you could have expected to pay for legal representation at the Schedule 1 hearing, the mertis of your case must be weighed carefully. Do you have copies of all of the documents that were put before the court together with a copy of the order?

With regard to the injuries you sustained at his hands, as far I'm aware you have 3 years from the date they were inflicted to bring a civil action against him for recompense. However, you will need to obtain a copy of the police report of the incident and reports from the medical professionals who attended to your injuries and those who responsible for your ongoing treatment to substantiate your claim.

I'm sorry to say that you appear to have complied a catalogue of 'how not to do it', and the fact that your experiences may serve as a cautionary tale to others, and may prevent some from finding themselves in a similar situation to the one which you find yourself in, is no doubt scant consolation for what you've been through.

Xpost - I can see moving would be very difficult.

How much do you earn? Could you afford a bank loan?

SS said that they will do comprehensive investigation. But at what point do I re-do it? I am so deflated from my experience - contact and financial cases - and even though all the literature I'd read, and the small amount of legal counsel I got stated that my position was correct, because of these errors, then I could not go back to certain points.

For Example: Contact cases. First two cases went in my favour. Both judges read my submissions. It was only at third hearing with flawed SS report that things went awry.

Then at the Financial hearing, when I'd gotten vindication from SS, the opposing counsel stated that all Children Matters had been dealt with and steered the Judge away from reading the vindication report from SS. So, my claim, while valid, was not allowed because I couldn't give the evidence cos the Judge would not look at it.

Process - procedure - timelines - so important. Hence I advise anyone, either get legal counsel at all hearings (however confident you feel that you are across the matter) and also ensure that you keep a good diary of all matters.

Sounds simple. I wish I'd known it.

That's why I feel that this mess is of my own making. I didn't get legal counsel to represent me because the book I'd read re representing yourself made it sound like the courts have a formula in place. The courts do. But what you cannot ever factor in is a nasty opposing legal team.

So, I would love legal advice. But I don't have any funds for it. Catch 22. Stupidity, because I believed the system would be straightforward, and hindsight in that there is no substitute for legal counsel. And this is only because we were co-habitees. If married then there is a system in almost cast iron.

Father has unsupervised contact. SS left out incidents of harm to daughter and me. This was why local authority saw the glaring error and gave me full vindication.

Court papers were drawn up by solicitor in our original negotiated deal. But the opposing counsel took them out of the Bundle. I tried to re-introduce them, but the Judge didn't look. I think this whole thing happened because in the Bundle was my Position Statement, but the statement had opposing Barrister's notes on it - so when the Judge read it, she also read his comments, so was influenced by them? Don't know. What I do know is that she would not look at local authority's Independent Investigation report, which would have backed up my position.

Re compensation re damage / injuries to me, I thought it was two years. Which source states three?

Yes. I was stupid. I thought that the legal book says this, and so there was a formula in place. But if the component parts of this formula are lacking - in my case SS, and the police (as thousands have experienced hence Therea May's personal intervention) and then an aggressive opposing counsel in court - I / or anyone representing themselves, will find it hard.

Early advice, proper notes, and scramble together as much money as you can for legal counsel - that is the way to go.

But in the choas of my cautionary tale, is there anything I can do?

Sadly, bank loans not an option. Only asset is joint share in house, and as he owns the other half, then can't get loan on it.

Yes, SS could do a new report. They have already stated they are willing. But can I appeal a Financial Order? That is my question. I just imagine it being the hardest thing in the world. And then I have to find legal counsel to do this. And then the money to pay for it....it is all so overwhelming.

Advice itself doesn't have to cost you anything - Domestic Violence One Stop Shop will advise you for free, and you can get a free half hour with a solicitor.

This mess is not of your own making, so you musn't think that. Your ex is a manipulative arsehole and the system that doesn't work that well. It's not your fault you didn't know how best to proceed, nor had the funds for a lawyer.

Personally I don't think the financial order is the most important thing, the most important thing is contact.

It needs to be established that was violent to you and your daughter and his contact needs to be supervised.

Thank you. The problem with half hour advice sessions is that there is not enough time to go into the specific detail. So, while great at early stages, I'm at the 'in the pickle' stage.

That's why I'd say to anyone - if there is the slightest whiff of this type of behaviour, be alert and make notes, and make full use of all services, however humiliated you feel, or however much relief you feel because the person has gone. At the end of the day, if it doesn't go to court, then great. But if it does, then you will be fully armed - and if you do get legal counsel, it should reduce your bill because the info is readily available.

Still feel stupid for being so naive about relying on the 'system'.

I did think the contact was the most important, and that is where I focused. And it took an awful lot of time, not to mention the heartache, as at every stage, I had to 'relive' the awful things that had happened to me and my daughter, and the trauma re-surfaced. Hence I was glad I'm seeing therapist.

But still, the Financial stuff is as important. I now know that. Without financial independence to make decisions or to find peace, the control continues, as is the case in my situation. I keep being reminded of Virginia Woolf's 'A room of One's Own'.

I know half an hour isn't really enough but you may find a compassionate solicitor who specialises in abuse, who'll give you a bit longer in the circumstances.

Otherwise I can't recommend the Domestic Violence One Stop Shops highly enough - their legal advice is free and they can take the time to go into all the details.

Thank you. I will call them.

There is a 2 year time limit to lodge a claim with the CICA (which I assume you did not do/have not done) and where it is too late a civil claim can be the only way to obtain recompense.

The 3 year time limit on civil claims can be extended where injuries which were thought to have been minor or treated successfully subsequently prove to be more serious/require further treatment at a later date.

In such cases the date of knowledge, that is the date you knew you had sustained injury(ies) as a result of his assault which set the 3 year clock ticking, can be the date on which medical opinion confirmed that any subsequent symptoms/ health issues were linked to the injury(ies) you sustained on the earlier date.

If, for example, injuries you sustained on 1 April appeared to be healed on 1 July and what you thought to be unrelated symptoms were diagnosed on 1 December as being linked to/caused by the injuries you sustained on 1 April, the date of knowledge would be 1 December and the time limit on filing a claim would be extended by 8 months.

will check this out. Especially as I'm still getting treatment for the aftermath. The injury to my knee damaged my meniscus, and that will just get worse with age. And the damage to my jaw - well I have been diagnosed with TMJ which just means that I live with love level pain which I need regular physio for. thank you.