He's crap with money

[harveybristol]

I'm really frustrated.
I moved in with DP a few years ago, having had my own house, organised my own finances very well etc. When I moved in DP said that he would carry on taking care of all the bills etc if I took care of the groceries and household items.
Fast forward a few years, DD is born and we realise we cant afford to do it this way anymore and set up a joint bills account which we both pay into what we can afford.
The bills all still in his name, I thought he had set up for everything to come out monthly etc. He 'works with numbers' so seemed like the person to oversee everything out of the 2 of us.
However, it appears not. He is very disorganised and 'forgot' to swap some of the bills over to our new joint account, we've got annual water bills coming out, quarterly gas bills etc. And we're in the minus before we've even begun. Of course as our money builds up this will all pan out but I'm left with no money for Christmas.
He's told me he'll increase his overdraft again and I need to put it all on a credit card. Something I am not happy with as I dont do borrowing money.
I'm just so angry, because had he set everything up as we agreed in the first place we wouldnt be having to do this. I've asked him to put my name on the bills to save this happening again and he says he doesnt like making phone calls!
I've had to use all my birthday money to pay for our DD's christening because of this, yet he's away on a stag do this weekend and has upped his overdraft to pay for it. So frustrated. Had I been in control, this would never have happened. I just want to punch him for being so disorganised and lazy with our money. Advice for dealing with a lazy, stubborn, disorganised pain in the arse?

On the other thread about money, a wise poster said that it was important for partners to have the same attitude to money. You don't and he doesn't want to fix things. This can't end well.

I disagree. My DH and I don't have the same attitude to money and it works perfectly well.

All income is deemed household income.

The person best with money handles the admin and does a cash flow forecast to decide how much a month needs to stay in the bills account to comfortably cover them, and if finances allow and an extra regular amount into a bills account.

The remainder is divided between you and put into personal accounts to spend or save as you see fit.

Periodically, the cash flow is reviewed and the allowance to individual accounts adjusted as needs be.

This gives equality to the spending power of each, gives a regular amount for household savings and ensures bills are met.

There's no arguments about money, no need to explain, justify or ask permission of each other to accommodate each other's different groups spending patterns or choices.

If that doesn't work when disposable income is equal and one keeps getting in debt, THEN there's no way around it and I'd advise to LTB.

This is exactly what I have been trying to set up and exactly what we arranged would happen Joy. We should have enough cash left over to pay for Christmas/christenings etc at the end of each month.
The problem is leaving DP in charge- he's been lazy and not changed our bills to come out monthly, meaning we've been hit all at once and have no left over money. I've lost my temper and told him I need to take over our money situation- he refuses. Saying he 'works with numbers' and knows what he's doing. I've gotten pretty nasty this morning and given him ultimatums if he doesnt put the bills in my name and sort it all out. His excuse is 'you're on maternity leave, we're supposed to be skint' and I cant seem to get him to realise that it could all have been avoided. Laid back is an under statement for this man.

is it a deliberate act of sabotage on his part?
some sort of passive aggressive thing?

Why would you want to punch him and delight in being nasty.

I think your the one with the problem.

LOL are you now sock puppeting OP?

You posted a thread I've given my opinion. If you don't want opinions don't post.

As for telling me to fuck off while calling me goady do you not see the irony?

Well the situation can't carry on so if he won't address it you'll need to take steps so he knows how seriously you feel about it. Personally I'd be threatening to leave in the not to distant future. He's demonstrated he's crap at personal finance, he doesn't seem bothered that you're so upset and he is worried about making phone calls. Just out of interest does he have to make phone calls as part of his job?

Which name are the bills currently in? What's the housing situation? Do you have anywhere you could go?

OP, you do seem to have an anger-management problem! Your reaction up thread was weirdly OTT.

You both are at fault but anger is more dangerous than being lazy. I wouldn't want a relationship with somebody that threatened to leave me and wanted to punch me as I forgot to change the amount on a direct debit.

Op, I think you need to go back over this when you're both calmer, and try to get things set up the way joysmum suggested. Don't let it carry on. If he's obstinate about it, then you might have to separate finances yourself or live separately.

He's being rubbish with money - FGS do NOT put the bills in your name!!! If you do they will be your liability!

Obviously 'working with money' doesn't make you financially responsible and he obviously isn't. I get your frustration but threats is not the way to go and if you two can not communicate like grown ups then your relationship has bigger problems.

OP - personally I'd also be really, really reluctant to put anything on a credit card. Or the bills. Your not married - if you split all his debts will remain his, all yours remain all yours.
I totally understand your anger. At the moment you are probably feeling vulnerable in many ways - and you are. And probably for the first time in a long time you are financially dependant on someone else. Who has shown them selves to be less than reliable.
It may seem an over-reaction to give intimations over, but O don't think it is. Can I ask - do you rent or are you buying?

it doesn't matter whose name the bills are in - if you both live there and use the utilities you are both liable.

Over reaction to give ultimations

To give you a picture. You split - you go back to work - you get CSA min maintainance - you pay the full cost of childcare. If you also had a stinking great credit card bill would that be do-able? So you stay, but are kept in debt and find any extra money eaten up by him running up overdrafts, being lazy with bills. Living outside your means.

Going into debt for a flipping stag do when you have a new baby is beyond irresponsible.

He's being rubbish with money - FGS do NOT put the bills in your name!!! If you do they will be your liability!

That's great advice.

Also knock up a standard letter telling the various companies he gives you permission to deal with the accounts. That way you can check up on things.

There's no way I'd trust him with anything and I'd be doing all I could to ensure I was fully in the loop checking up on him each month.

I'd also be making him fully aware this isn't normal or acceptable and could have been avoided.

That his actions have cost you money in sevicing the debts you need not have had thanks to him.

Lastly how this affects your trust in him and that his subsequent dismissal of the seriousness and your feeling have affected your respect for him.

Oh brandnew please do one.

I handle the finances. I fear if dp did, we would be fucked with money. It has taken him years to admit how badly in debt he is. If he told me sooner we would have a better handle on it now. It's his problem (a lot of it racked up before I met him) but is a black cloud over all our joint spending.

I agree with what Joysmum said.

Lastly how this affects your trust in him and that his subsequent dismissal of the seriousness and your feeling have affected your respect for him.

^This.