Upset at being called a "big fat dollop"

[Donotknowhownottomind]

in an argument with h this evening. Aibu or should I mentally just laugh it off ?

Some odd replies on this thread.

Sometimes I just go to bed on a weekend afternoon when there is nothing wrong with me. DH copes just fine. If I went to bed with a headache he would bring me tablets and water and ask if I was ok/wanted dinner/needed anything.

He can actually be a bit of a martyr when it comes to being sick, and refuses to go to bed, instead he sits on the sofa where we can all see him feeling sick. :o But I look after him too.

If something was promised to the DDs and then one of us couldn't go, the other would go alone, or if that wasn't possible because of the activity, the DDs would be told why and they would have to get over it. They come first, but sometimes life happens.

As for the big fat dollop, DH and I insult each other in a playful way sometimes, but that would be absolutely over the line and wouldn't be acceptable at all.

YANBU OP.

I think some of these posters are very mean. A bad headache is awful. So bloody what if the OP had to spend the afternoon in bed. She's already said that medication didn't shift it and then she gets someone messaging saying take meds and get on with it. Saying 'me me me' is ridiculous. And yes your DH was showed no sympathy or compassion-what a prick. And 'big fat dollop' is awful. Your DH sounds like a knob. I'd get him to apologise and not speak to him if he doesn't. Hope you're ok.

I get you op. You just want him to care, it's not about the headache at all.

rainbow why couldn't you go to be with a headache unless there is absolutely no one there to help with the kids I see no reason why not. People feel unwell headaches, rundown and are just generally in pain and need help.

OP I myself would sometimes get headaches that would make me need a lie down DP would come up check on me bring me painkillers and water and generally make sure I'm ok. Sometimes he would begrudge the fact he's been taking care of the kids all day but it usually evens out.

I have to admit though I'm not so thoughtful it's not that I don't care it's just that I'm busy taking care of the kids getting the housework done ect. ect.

I think you chose the wrong way to get your point across I wouldn't like it if dp threw the fact that he does something for me on a daily basis that had just become part of the routine ie. vitamin I probably would of responded the same "stop doing it if it's such an inconvenience".

What you want is for something to occur to your DP that doesn't naturally I would let this go and assume it's the way it is.
His behaviour is ridiculous though although I think your story is very one sided and your Dp is probably at the end of his tether.

I suspect some posters have never experienced a really severe headache. Debilitating but non-migraine headaches do happen.

I agree with this. Some people seem to think a migraine is a very bad headache, as if after a certain level of pain you should call it a migraine, but because you said headache it can't be that bad.

It actually does sound migrainey to me. The OP said she still felt raw the next day. That is very common with migraines (in my experience - a sort of burned out, vulnerable, not quite there feeling.

Sounds as if you may have mild depression. I used to go to bed with headaches, stress headaches they turned out to be due to anxiety, upset and emotional bullying from the ex. Didn't process it at the time of course and ended up with all sorts of rashes - again, stress related. Miraculously, all symptoms disappeared once I'd left the idiot and began a new life for myself and my kids.

Don't underestimate what your body is telling you o/p. The fact that he called you horrible names, directly undermining your sense of self, your confidence and adding to growing levels of unhappiness in yourself must be addressed. If he can't talk to you respectfully, with consideration, understanding and a bit of affection then its not worth carrying on in the relationship. Kids model the behaviour they see in their families. You don't want them modelling his.

MN is a very strange place to be lately.

YANBU to lie down if you were really feeling unwell. It's odd that so many posters have come here to wear their martyrdom as a badge of honour. Anyone who has a partner and who is unable to take some time out to recuperate if they're unwell would be wise to address their own issues rather than come here and kick a woman when she's down.

Your DH was unreasonable to resort to name-calling end of. I don't go about calling my family names when they've pissed me off, I would expect the same from them.

As for your DH's uncaring nature, some people are more nurturing than others and it sounds like maybe there are reasons he is as he is. However, on being told that you feel let down by his lack of care, what stands out for me is the dismissive way in which he treats your feelings. Is he ever caring?

Thank god for the more recent voices of reason and normality

What the hell? Not allowed to be in bd with a headache?? Er yes you are. You felt unwell and you went to to bed. That is totally allowed even if the martyr mummies want you 'to out your children first' and never be ill ever.

A normal, kind partner would ask how you feel , bring you some meds and a cuppa and sort kids out for the day. That is what is the right thing to do. I honestly don't know what planet some people are living on but it seems like a sad one if their partners don't do this.

DH is great when I am ill. However pregnancy has been much harder for him as I have been ill for such a long period of time (hypermeisis) and we did have to have a conversation about him needing to be more caring understanding helpful etc. He didn't shout at me or call me names.

Also 'big fat dollop' in the context of an argument is horrible

Also he is absolutely rubbish at back massages. I know it sounds ridiculous but we actually had an argument about this. He just can't do it properly and I get soooo frustrated as the back pain in pregnancy has been so bad.

I decided actually you know what I just wasn't going to ask him again. No because he's been horrible about it by because it was just one of those things he couldn't do and an unnecessary source of tension. Instead my sister is brilliant at it so I get her to do it and I've had a few pregnancy massages.

I did this because in th hand scheme of things he is great. (Gets me choc cake from the shops at 11pm).

So I understand that sometimes partners are not always the way you want them to be but you need to think about how he is in other aspects because he sounds pretty crap all round

Thanks for all your kind messages (which are a relief after some of the initial messages on the thread).

I am feeling better today. I have started taking various vitamins in the hope that they will help and I do feel calmer. I would rather try this to see if it works than go to the GP for the moment as I don't want to go on HRT and fear that since I am 46, that's what might be suggested.

Dh and I are talking but I haven't brought up the big fat dollop argument as he is very difficult to talk to about anything where he might feel got at. I kind of feel that I know where I stand now in terms of the amount of respect he doesn't have for me and that in some ways it is easier than constantly trying to get closer to someone who is very very detached. What I find hard is the fact that he is very affectionate with the dc so he is obviously capable of affection. I then start thinking that the dc are smooth skinned and slim . I am glad my dds have an affectionate relationship with him but it is sometimes hard to watch them all entwined on the sofa when there is this great gulf between dh and I. Makes me wonder what is wrong with me.

As for the other things, your DH just doesn't sound like he's in a couple with you tbh. Sounds like he's in a team of one. Which suits him, but not you.

I agree with this completely. I don't think dh is able to live any other way either somehow. I have to somehow make my peace with it and I suppose that I can focus on my own life - friends - work that I am looking for as well as the dc of course. I do not like the lack of control because dh, for example, refuses to put me on the deeds to the family home (we have been together for almost 20 years) which makes me feel completely powerless to have an effect on my own future and is a constant source of anxiety and .

I think dh views me as having certain functions but does not know how to relate to me as a whole person or how to trust me. Either that or just doesn't want to. I find some of his opinions unpleasant but get on with him quite well on a day to day surface level.

Anyway, the good thing about being called a big fat dollop is that I have started eating less. I lost about a stone last year and I would like to lose some of that again (as I put most of it back on) so I have started eating how I did then. Every time I consider putting unnecessary food in my mouth the phrase comes right at me BIG FAT DOLLOP and it's proving to be quite a deterrent .

As for dh I have kind of been thinking "f* him". The danger will be when I stop feeling angry and start needing affection again, to again find that I can't get it from him.

Crikey this place can be mad sometimes.

What a lot of shockingly bitchy replies at the start of the thread.

I have never before seen n people apparently sticking up for a man who paid his poorly wife so little attention and then into the bargain labelled her a "big fat dollop". Since when did that become acceptable?

You are allowed to lie in bed with a bad headache. There are no medals for martyrdom, especially if an apparently able DH is available. To suggest otherwise is bullshit.

As someone who has struggled with weight issues throughout her adult life (related to a thyroid disorder), the "big fat dollop" remark could have tipped me over the edge. The straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak, and perhaps a deal breaker. Very disrespectful.

I have no solution for you OP, but it sounds as though communications are tricky at best with your DH so you have some sympathy from me.

It is also worrying that he won't have you on the deeds of the family home.

As you seem to be married though, that I understand does give you some protection. Check it out discreetly with Citizens Advice.

You are not allowed to be ill, in need, less than perfect or vulnerable. Your dh appears to be 'acting out' until you stop being ill and get back into your allocated role.

None of that is ok. I don't know how you change this but I do think you need to try and change this

He sounds awful. You seem nice
And very ground down by him.

I too was amazed by the loony comments earlier on in the thread.

I'm sorry but one adult is quite capable of taking out 2 or 3 children swimming especially if they are older than 8 and can swim.

The dollop remark is just bonkers.

Thanks for your further messages.

I confronted dh about the big fat dollop comment yesterday, saying that I need some physical and verbal affection, that I watch everyone else getting it from him and that on top of that he calls me names and it's too much. He was dismissive, unrepentant and did not say anything - he was giving me a lift somewhere and he just waited for me to get out of the car. I felt kind of better in a way because at least I had got my thoughts out. I also said that it feels as if he can't stand me and if that's the case he should just say. Later in the day he phoned me to offer me the car if I needed it so I suppose that is his version of being conciliatory.

So I have moved on from the big fat dollop comment but I really really don't like the never being touched by him thing. He walks past our 11 year old and is always trying to cuddle her. Most of the time she now tells him to go away as she is getting more independent I suppose. I then feel what is the matter with me that he never ever extends a hand to touch me with affection . This is a really big deal for me but I think splitting up over it would be 10 times worse. I really don't know how not to mind (hence my username). I am sure we have got into a role where I chase and he avoids but I don't know how to get out of it! I also worry that it's a symptom of the fact that he does not care about me! If anybody has got any pointers as to how I can detach I would be grateful!

You are not allowed to be ill, in need, less than perfect or vulnerable. Your dh appears to be 'acting out' until you stop being ill and get back into your allocated role.

I kind of agree with this but what is my allocated role? He has said that he expects nothing from me and this is part of the problem I think, that he does not factor me into the way he thinks other than we do practical stuff for the dc together.

Re. the house there are issues over what would happen were he to suddenly die but not if I were to suddenly go, and I think that is a fundamental inequality. He was also telling a neighbour that if he had the money he would buy a particular property in a town which he really likes but that I do not want to move to (part of what he does is invest in property on a small scale). Things like that make me .

He has all the power in the relationship and knows it. He's detached from you. Affection for the kids, detachment for you. I would be looking to re-balance the relationship.

However, maybe if you tried a different approach. Detach yourself from seeking his approval and affection. Take back some power - he'd be devastated if you left and took the kids with you, surely? I think you've made a good start by asserting yourself with the comment on his nasty remark. More of the same advised!

I wouldn't wait for him to die and find out he has bequeathed your house to some random charity. I'd divorce now, get your half and start a new life with the prospect of someone who does want to be affectionate with you.

I would ask him how he feels about a divorce.

He will remain dismissive and unrepentant because that seems to be how he naturally is.

Sadly, you are probably wasting your time trying to get affection and approval from him. It will always be in short supply.