Upset at being called a "big fat dollop"

[Donotknowhownottomind]

in an argument with h this evening. Aibu or should I mentally just laugh it off ?

I suspect some posters have never experienced a really severe headache. Debilitating but non-migraine headaches do happen.

Surely that just par for the course on a relationship? This is exactly what I was trying to express to dh, rosie.

I agree accidental. Also I wanted to know what people thought of being called a "big fat dollop". The headache is part of the backstory.

Personally, I think that is an incredibly rude thing to say. People have divorced for less.

Are you sure you didn't spend all day in Bes with your headache to sort of "test" your DH? You know, the longer I lie here and he doesn't ask me how I am, the more of a selfish arse he is and the more I prove my point - that type of thing.

They go into a family changing room and have done it before. She is 9.

H is fairly dictatorial in what he says and does. We used to go swimming a lot and it was the only thing he ever wanted to do on a Sunday. He was dictatorial about us all going even though I quite often thought it would be nice if we went on a different family outing.

Then the pool started doing this weird thing where you would turn up and have to wait for 45 minutes before you could get in so we stopped going for a while.

part of being a parent is putting the children first - one incident of not going swimming is not me not putting my kids first - swimming is not the only thing we can do together...

TBH I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH took to his bed for an entire day at the weekend, just because he had a headache. Migraine - okay, but headache - just take some medication and get on with it. With three kids in the house all needing to be taken places and no doubt homework and other activities I think you were being rather precious taking to your bed and expecting your DH to take care of all three DC and wait on you and enquire about your health. Pull yourself together. I think I'd have had some choice words for my DH too if he'd pulled a stunt like that.

OP - you are allowed to go to bed when not well; and if there is a spouse there perfectly able to look after the kids it is not normal to be completely ignored and not asked how you are or what they can get for you.

Question is, what are you going to do about it.

And about the name/s he calls/ed you.

Your dh sounds like a man who 'does' rather than 'cares'. I know, I have one myself. I have an awful back condition and am basically in severe, chronic pain. Dh never asks how I am. He does however, all the practical stuff. Cooks, carries and fetches as long as I ask. It simply isn't in his psyche to do the emotional thing. Luckily I have female friends a relations who do that.

Re swimming, if it is true that the other DC would go if you came then you should go assuming they are young and need to learn. It's an essential life skill and also an excellent way of tiring them out and getting them clean.

Re the actual question, well, it's not very nice but also not that bad assuming you aren't 30 stone and unable to get out of the chair. He sounds more frustrated with you tbh. Agree that there maybe needs a bit more give and take and try to accept him for what he is.mif he asked you to be something you fundamentally aren't, maybe you would feel threatened, too.

Enjoy the weekend, soon be too wet and cold to do all these lovely activities.

This is one of those odd threads that races off down an inexplicable path for no discernible reason isn't it?

Is it because the insult was related to overweight rather than underweight? Or due to headache ignorance? Or something else?

He did not call me a big fat dollop on the headache day. They are two separate days.

I really didn't want to be waited on, I wanted some kindness.

The dc did not need to be taken to places on that afternoon and h did not have to do anything out of the ordinary.

it is not normal to be completely ignored and not asked how you are or what they can get for you - I agree with this.

I don't know what I am going to do about it. It's ok (kind of) if I am feeling well but I sometimes worry about the future and how he would be if I were terminally ill for example.

I'm honestly surprised at some of the replies so far. When I feel unwell enough to stay in bed, my husband (who isn't great when I am ill for similar reasons to your DP from the sound of it) would still make the effort to check I was okay, and no way would he try to hassle me into going out. I see nothing in your post to suggest you are exaggerating or being unreasonable when you say you felt unwell enough to need to rest and can't really understand the negative comments.

Big fat dollar, shouted, sounds to me as if he is aware of your insecurities about your body and selected something he knew would hurt.

If you are hormonally all over the place and feeling down, it is likely to impact on your relationship. Do you feel unhappy enough to go and talk to your GP? It might be much easier to see clearly whether DP is being genuinely unreasonable if you felt better about yourself. If you are depressed, sometimes it is easy to get bogged down and it can be hard for even the most loving partner to deal with. Hope you feel better soon.

You have very different ways regarding when one or other of you are unwell, that's a problem as your individual expectations of each other are polar opposites. Is there any way you could talk reasonably about this and reach a workable compromise?

Alternatively, are you able to accept that your dh just won't do any caring when you feel unwell but you care for him because that's what you do and what you want to do and not use it as a weapon in an argument?

People do have different approaches, I can't abide people who sit around moping, moaning and being a martyr - go to bed and I will bring you drinks, pills and check on you but generally I will get on with whatever needs doing whilst you sort yourself out. Likewise I can't abide people who use feeling unwell to get out of something they just don't fancy doing, or who drag their feeling unwell out beyond all reasonable parameters.

We do care for one another when we are ill but in a way that works for each of us and suits us.

DC's father called me a 'fat ugly mong' after a post partum stroke.
It wasn't the worse thing he did, but it was the catalyst for him becoming my ex.
What's DH like in other respects?

Wow spanish

I'm not hearing "me, me, me". And I've had headaches (not migraines) so bad that I've had to go to bed, so I can sympathise. I also think your husband was rather rude not to check in with you a couple of times and ask how you were feeling: I would certainly do that if my partner had gone to lie down in the daytime, and I'd expect him to show the same level of care for me.

Some people just don't like swimming - I used to love it but now I get cold very quickly so I find it uncomfortable. My husband is happy to take the kids swimming without me, and I take them places without him sometimes. But if it's your body issues stopping you, maybe it would be useful to work on your self image - and of course swimming is excellent exercise, and once you're in the water no one can tell what size you are.

As for your actual question, no you are not being unreasonable to feel upset at being called a big fat dollop. Name-calling is unacceptable. It is a form of bullying and has no place in any relationship. Affectionate teasing is different, but both parties have to understand that it's just teasing. If one person feels hurt, it's not just teasing.

OP, imo yanbu for going to bed for feeling unwell, not feeling up for swimming, or being upset at his comments. I feel some pp are being a bit harsh you're obviously feeling a bit rubbish in general atm.

I would try not to take the comment to heart too much, i'm sure it was said in the heat of the argument, but i would be talking to dp and saying that it upset you and it's not on

OP, I'm not saying you did or do any of those things in my third paragraph, I've just realised it could be read that way I was just trying to voice that different people have different approaches to illness, sorry.

Regarding what your dh called you I think that is nasty and uncalled for and his subsequent behaviour does not paint him in a great light, he sounds selfish, defensive and a bit childish with the 'don't give me my pill' comment.

A reasonable discussion and a compromise would be the best way forward, do you think that is possible?

Seriously, it's a race to the bottom on here, isn't it? So is no one now allowed to take it easy, ever, or even mention it if they have a headache because someone, at some other point, has had to carry on regardless? Glad we're all about being supportive here.

OP, I don't think your husband sounds very kind and I can see kindness is what you were looking for. It's what partners should be to one another. Is he always like this? And calling someone a nasty critical name is high school like, again not partner behaviour. Who does this 'affectionately'? Do people ruffle their DP's hair and go 'come on, Tiny Dick, let's go down the pub'? If so, I'm sure it's a hilarious bonding moment for you, but the OP's experience sounded very different.

I am surprised at some of the responses here. If you felt ill enough to have to spend the day lying down then I think your DH should have checked in on you, bought you a cup of tea, that sort of thing. Have you tried having a proper conversation about this lack of care?

Agree with TendonQueen. You need a bit of kindness when you feel ill. I very occasionally get those kind of headaches requiring lying down for hours so I know what you mean.

As for the other things, your DH just doesn't sound like he's in a couple with you tbh. Sounds like he's in a team of one. Which suits him, but not you.

If you would like to lose half a stone, then you are obviously not a fat dollop, so that wasn't a realistic insult. Did he say that in relation to your reluctance to wear your cossie go swimming?

Some of the replies have been a bit mean. I have had bad headaches that painkillers have no effect on and sometimes they make me feel sick. In these situations I have just wanted to lie down.