lost at what to do....

[myheadsspinning]

my older sister (76) is seriously ill in hospital with cancer and other problems.
I love her.
But, in the late 1950's she was married with a child.
When the marriage ended, her husband took her son back to his mother to bring up, as my sister was homeless and with no support at all.
She never spoke about him at through they decades, as it must have been so painful to lose him.
As I said, she is dangerously ill now, and a few weeks ago spoke about her son for the first time ever.
She "always thought about him every day of my life" she said, whilst so frail and poorly.
Well, I have been actually searching for him for a long time now, and finally this week I managed to locate him.
We met 3 days ago.
I wanted to make sure it really is him, not to bring her false hope.
It is her son.
He is 57 now, a grown man.
But, But, But.....I am selfishly devastated now.

Sadly, her son, my nephew has the emotional age of 10/11.
He could communicate with me as far as saying how many star wars characters and dvd's he has got, how many figures etc.
He held my hand as a child might.
He has "told me off" today for not texting him to say I had arrived home safely, and so on.
He only spoke about his possessions and "interests", not remotely interested in a two way conversation with me.

Shame on me, that finding my nephew unable to communicate as an adult, I am afraid to say, I am unsure that my sister seeing her son in this way, could send her in a spiral of depression.
I asked his carer if he could manage the travel...trains and underground, but she said she would have to take him herself.
Would I be such a heartless cow (and in my sisters interests) to delay taking him to see her.???????????????????????????????????????My sister is bed bound, unable to walk/stand, and can barely eat now.
I am afraid the emotional upheaval may affect her so much.

yes, you are all right in different ways.

I guess one of my concerns is that my nephew doesn't communicate.
He is fine when talking about himself or what he wants, but doesn't enter into a two way conversation.
He didn't ask the usual every day things.
How are you?
How long did it take to get here?
Have you any children?( I showed him a photograph of two granddaughters, which he looked at interestedly....but didn't make a comment.)
I said how I lived in the same place he is as a child, but there was no reaction form him.
It is heartbreaking to see this, but I am totally lost.

Yesterday I said I had been pruning the garden.....he didn't respond at all.
I don't understand how to establish a relationship with him.
It wasn't until I saw his head blistering in the sun, that he said simply he should have put a cap on, instead of moving to the shade.
Any text I send with personal things....I was happy to meet you yesterday....didn't receive a response.
I will ring his "carer" tomorrow to try to establish how we can move forward.
I say "carer" because I am not sure just where she fits into his life.
Particularly as she said she would need to take him to my sister as he couldn't manage the 2 trains and underground on his own.

I totally agree, OP - definitely a case for taking advice from the carer

I wept to read him holding your hand and talking about his toys. His mother, your sister may feel overwhelming happiness to experience this grown child/man who she has longed for every day. Please god she gets her wish and it all goes well. Bless you if you can find a way to make this come to pass.

She isn't you! It doesn't matter how you would feel as you have never experienced a child taken away from you. Some people can look past disability even if you can't.

I don't think you have the right to keep this from her.

You need to tell your sister you've found him, how he is and let her make her own choices. This isn't about you.

I am sorry you're going through this.

Difficult situation but I would lean towards some resolution for them both. A photo, a letter (from the carer if necessary), a drawing... I suspect her main concern is that he's Ok, and cared for, that he is loved. Maybe he could send her a card. Is she in a position to write (or dictate) a letter to him, something he could treasure?

I say "carer" because I am not sure just where she fits into his life

I wonder if, like my own son, he's in some sort of supported living accommodation, and that she comes in to help? Certainly her comment about going with him on transport would support this?

Actually I wonder if Imbroglio hasn't nailed it with the suggestion of a letter or similar from your sister, even if dictated. My experience has been that those in your nephew's situation often cope better with certainties rather than abstract ideas - maybe something he could hold and keep coming back to if he wishes might be just the thing?

Forgive me if I'm rambling ... guess I'm just thinking aloud really ...

I can't begin to imagine what it would feel like to have a child with disabilities, much less to meet a long lost child to discover they had disabilities. But, I think from everything I know and bits I have read that seldom are parents disappointed with their children. I think others are right when they say that what your sister will want for her son really isn't much different to what we all want for our children, to know they are happy and cared for, safe and well.

I think the letter is a good idea if a meeting isn't possible.

I do hope you are OK myheadsspinning

Just looking in to say very much thinking of you, myheadsspinning

name changed, re "loss at what to do".
Well, we, dsis and I have come a long way since October.

Last year, due to the elder abuse, physically and emotionally of my dsis, by her "dh" (who now has dementia and in care) my dsis is thriving.

She was totally socially isolated for decades by her abusive controlling bully of a "dh"

She is still frail, poorly, is unable to walk/stand directly due to the abuse suffered.
Her major pressure sores have healed (they were to the bone)
The pain from the cancer is controlled, due to the amazing care and commitment of all the staff.

She was refused medical help/support and food prior to her being admitted to a wonderful caring nursing home.

I have also shown her how to use an ipad, she enjoys youtube etc.
She is drawing/painting, even has a miniature art showpiece in an exhibition in October! Art has been her saviour, she was even videoed for the new website for the nursing home.
So, we have (most days) calm and peace.

Her "dh" is unable to communicate with her.
Occasionally she goes back through the traumatic events of the last few decades, which I find intensely distressing, but feel I need to support her and achieve closure.
Dsis didn't ever say ONE word ever, through regular phone calls over the years of the distress she was enduring.

But generally from the distressing events of last year , she is thriving.

But, this is the massive but.
I hadn't heard from her lost son, for a while, until a couple of days ago (we met last summer for the first time).

He asked "when am I going to see mum?"
Then said ,"can I ask you a question, are you really my mum?"

Up until now, my dsis has been so poorly, just managing to survive both physically and emotionally.

*What do I do?
*Do I tell my dsis her son dearly wants to see her?
*If she says no, how do I tell her son?
*Will it drag her on that downward spiral when she sees him, and realises that he needed her desperately as a small child but she wasn't there?
*Will dsis be so overwhelmed at the thought that her son will be holding her hand soon, that she will say, no, at the last minute?

I couldn't bear the thought that if they don't reconcile together, that one day I would have to say to her son, sorry but your mum died, without him getting to see her since he was a toddler.

.

I think she probably knows that he has a disability, and has always known.

Have you considered first telling her that you've been looking for him. Then, once she's had time to digest this information, that you've found him? And then go from there with her taking the lead.

Dsis son was only about 18mths when they split, I vaguely remember as a child when I briefly lived with her, him just about learning to walk.
So, I am not sure if anything would have been apparent in the early 1960's that there were any issues?

That is what I have been thinking today, should I tell dsis I have met him and he wants to see her?

Though played the scenario in my mind so many times, I fear that if she becomes overwhelmed and immediately says, No, I couldn't ask her again.

I fear her becoming so distraught that it could push her recovery back to the hell of last year.

The logistics of arranging this is difficult too.
It is at least a 4 hour round trip to her son, then another 5hr round trip to my dsis.

logically thinking, rather than emotionally, perhaps I should explain I have found her son, explain his difficulties, but he is longing to see her.

As the contact is hours of travelling, I feel that it could be the one and only visit, but phone calls etc would be a way of being in contact.
it is completely impossible for her son to travel alone.

An Amazing Update

BITTERANDTWISTED,you have hit the nail on the head!

Name changed, as I have another dilemma on another thread.

You say, "probably she has always known" you are so RIGHT.
It has been a difficult time over the last year and a half.

Not only with my dsis but also "daughter going back to abusive ex" thread which has been a total nightmare.

But, with the dilemma regarding dsis.

Her health fluctuates desperately yet she is still surviving though totally bedbound now.

Also last October I was diagnosed with bowel cancer, similar to my dsis.
This has meant due to major surgery in December I have been unable to visit her.

Yesterday, I finally told her that I hadn't abandoned her but have been so poorly myself, which she understood, and is obviously very sad about.
( I kept it from her until now as she is so fragile)

But yesterday I said I wouldn't be able to visit for some time, but knew someone who would love to see her.
When she asked "who" I said her lost son.

She was overwhelmed with happiness, (previously emotionally she didn't want to talk about him as she was so vulnerable, she still is but is aware that she is running out of time)

I contacted her son immediately and gave him disis phone number and he contacted her immediately.

They are both happy at last.

When I explained regarding his difficulties, she replied she wasn't surprised as she felt she had similar difficulties herself!

So, he is going to see his mum at last.
The time is right for them both, it leaves us three in a happy place finally.
Just thought I would make an update and thank everyone for you advice.

.

What a lovely update.
I have been following but not posting on your other thread.
Both you and your Dsis have had a tough time. I hope you can both find some happiness.

thank you, it's almost as if I feel "released" now.

My dsis suffered so much in life, yet today, she is filled with such happiness!
It is as though it is my last kindness I can do for her now.

I explained to my nephew that I will try to visit his mum with him, but it depends if I am having chemotherapy at that time.

At least this is a happy ending for them both.