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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Your honest opinion!

31 replies

changingtimes2015 · 01/10/2015 17:37

First time posting so please bear with me! Basically I need opinions/advice of the state of my marriage.
Been married for 8 yrs and I have 1 child. My H has been quite consistently the same but this past year it has been bothering me. He has in the way I have seen him reasonable as a H, he has always had a drug habit with Cannabis but over the years uses it much more, daily use.
I was away for a few days with friends and we spoke about things and this cropped up. I said the longest I have known him without drugs is perhaps about 2 days?
If he is wearing off the smoke he is very sulky and moody.

He also states I don't seem to spend anytime with him, which to an extent is true but we both have busy lifestyles. His idea to spend time together is groping me and suggesting sex, this no longer works for me, if I don't want to have sex he gets defensive about why I dont. We don't do family holidays ect.

This all used to seem ok but spending time with other women over this past while has opened my eyes as to how our marriage has become like this. I question do I deserve better? I feel perhaps my self esteem is at an all time low and I have just accepted this.

OP posts:

Tyrannosaurus · 01/10/2015 17:41

It doesn't sound great. It sounds like you have grown up, and adjusted to family life, while he still wants to be a sulky teenager. I wouldn't be happy with things as you describe.

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2015 17:41

He sounds horrible. Drug habit? Groping you all the time? Sulky and moody? And how much is he spending on drugs?

I wouldn't want to spend any time with him at all. Can you picture life without him?

Original poster

changingtimes2015 · 01/10/2015 17:44

Yu see I think I am perhaps blinkered in that the good sides he has, caring, kind, I know he would never cheat blind me into thinking this is fine? Is that normal to think like that when you live like this?

He buys the drugs himself, I reckon he spends bout £40 per week? But I have never asked as I know he will not be honest with me after a discussion we had about how I wasn't happy about the continued usage and also increase.

OP posts:

summerwinterton · 01/10/2015 17:49

Yes of course you deserve better - it is just sad that you have to ask that question. Why on earth do you think his behaviour is acceptable?

Tyrannosaurus · 01/10/2015 18:41

If he is caring and kind, why would he not be honest with you, or care about your feelings about the drugs? That does not sound like a kind and caring person to me!

molyholy · 01/10/2015 18:46

Not only do you deserve better, but surely you want better and do not want to put up with this for the rest of your life. This is not a partnership. If he doesn't use cannabis around your child and say only at night and he is getting through 40 quids worth of pot in a week, he has a serious addiction.

Original poster

changingtimes2015 · 01/10/2015 21:14

Yes I also believe he has an addiction, but he claims you can not get addicted to Cannabis.

I feel I have grown up a lot and can no longer throw a blind eye. I am tired of having no outlet for my stress, when all he does is smoke cannabis for his hard times and stress!!

He smokes continuously from wake up right through the day and at night. So it isn't just maybe 1 a night which I could perhaps live with.

OP posts:

mummytime · 01/10/2015 21:33

Modern canabis can be far more addictive than it used to be.
It's all to do with higher concentrations of one chemical which is addictive and far less (to zero) levels of one which fights against addiction. I heard a very interesting documentary on it.

His behaviour says addiction.
I've seen long term users, whose whole demeanour indicates addition.

Is this what you or your DC want? He is not putting you first.

Original poster

changingtimes2015 · 01/10/2015 21:36

Yes I have been reading up on Cannabis also, I was amazed by some of the mixes that could be used to make it, such things like ketamine etc!!

Said this to him but he thinks I over react to everything, maybe I do!! He doesn't as he is always stimulated with drugs!!

I love him, that's the worst! But I feel he is pushing me to the point where I can not go on like this.

OP posts:

spudlike1 · 01/10/2015 21:43

Your in love with someone who is permanently off his face
I mean do you actually know the real him the one that isn't stoned

LadyBlaBlah · 01/10/2015 21:56

I was married to a stoner. And he was an entitled groper too.

Life is much better without.

I have no idea how I put up with his crap for so long, I look back and think maybe I'd been brainwashed. I suggest you listen to your hunch you have right now that this is not normal, and then have a look around at everything, and I predict that this behaviour will be the tip of the iceberg and he is most likely deeply unpleasant in every aspect.

MatrixReloaded · 01/10/2015 22:28

That's a lot of money. I couldn't live with an addict and I couldn't live with the groping.

DragonsCanHop · 01/10/2015 22:33

Sorry if I've missed it but when you say "you have 1 DC" is your child from a previous relationship or is your "d"H the father?

goddessofsmallthings · 01/10/2015 23:55

£40 a week is more than £2,000 a year that could be spent on one of those family holidays you don't do.

How is he able to smoke during the day? Is he self-employed?

Aren't you worried that your dc, or some of his/her friends who may be visiting, will see him skinning up?

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 02/10/2015 08:21

The man is a waste of space. But he hasn't suddenly become like this. You've been with him for over 8 years and NOW it becomes an issue? Why on earth did you bring a child into this sorry mess?

hotfuzzra · 02/10/2015 08:35

If he's smoking cannabis from morning to night he's spending a lot more than £40 a week on it!!!
I hope he's not smoking cannabis in front of your DC? We all hear about the dangers of second hand smoke; imagine the elevated risk of second hand cannabis smoke. Even if he does it in the garden it'll still be all over his clothes and furniture and your DC is being subjected to it.
Furthermore if he was caring and kind he wouldn't grope you then make you feel bad for saying no. Kind caring men DO NOT do this.

Original poster

changingtimes2015 · 02/10/2015 16:09

No he doesn't smoke directly in front of DC but yes I agree you can still smell it off him, it turns my stomach!

He doesn't agree he has any problems, in fact he reminds me he would do anything for me and is loyal, always, when ever I speak it the Cannabis.

He says I accepted him this way and that should continue, but something in me has changed!

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 02/10/2015 18:11

What does he do for a job? Are they happy with him being high all the time?

Original poster

changingtimes2015 · 02/10/2015 21:12

He does work, but he is pretty much left to get on with the job, with another colleague who smokes just as much as him! Worse still their job involves driving!

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 02/10/2015 21:37

I can have a small bio weed joint of a night to relax after dinner, and I can take it or leave it. After kids' bedtime and asleep.

I know when it is appropriate to do that or not in RL. i.e. not when working or travelling.... or organising DC's life!

Any man who gropes me though would get short shrift from me and out the door. Who needs that shite, really!

You know, you really do NOT have to put up with this. What is keeping you in this relationship?
Driving under the influence will fuck up sooner or later. Are you ready to deal with the fall-out that will impact you and your kids??

I did it on my own from when I was pregnant when DS was 6 months. That was 20-odd years ago.

You CAN DO IT!

Please don't look back on your life 20 years down the line and say "Yes, I should've done that, for me and my kids".

You need to do online therapy why you chose this. Maybe someone will come along and give a heads up where to look.

Melanie Beatty's Codependent No More could give you a start.

Iflyaway · 02/10/2015 21:42

he says I accepted him this way and that should continue

what a crock of shite!

Just tell him, You know. Life changes, and so do people....

Stop letting him manipulate you!

You CAN get in touch with your inner strength!

AyeAmarok · 02/10/2015 22:08

Worse still their job involves driving!

Seriously, you don't think this is a big deal? He's risking the life of your children, if you've made a choice as their only responsible parent that you don't mind that then that's one thong. Butother innocent people don't have the luxury of the choice that you do to not have themselves and their children killed by him driving stoned.

I'm out.

Original poster

changingtimes2015 · 02/10/2015 22:29

AyeAmarok : Trust me, there have at many times I wanted to report him, but I don't have the guts!

Me and DC no longer travel with him.

OP posts:

arsenaltilidie · 02/10/2015 23:16

Weed is something you can smoke everyday but can also easily quit.
You have to give him an ultimatum and actually mean it, it's either weed or marriage.

ARV1981 · 02/10/2015 23:29

My dh likes a smoke, but I asked him to stop when I was pregnant and have told him he can't smoke and sleep at home now the dc is born... it's early days, but so far he's not had any for ages. I don't think he misses it anymore.

He used to smoke in the evenings only though.

I do think it's possible for your husband to stop.

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