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Original poster

I'm just so unsure...

45 replies

ScreamsOfTheAsteroid · 01/12/2006 13:37

Interested to know what you guys think.

Ok, I met a man when I was 16, I'm now 29. He's 19 years older tha me. Over the years, we've become very close. He is my best friend and I know I can confide in him, as I have in the past.

He's developed very strong feelings for me. He asked me to marry him 5 years ago, but I declined, didn't think he was serious.

I know mean alot to him, as he does to me. He's a wondefull man. Supportive, kind, considerate, patient... I could go on. We enjoy our times together and I know he'd do his very best to make my son and I happy.

My dilemma is, I don't find him in the least bit physically attractive. It must sound pretty shallow, but having that attraction is very important to me in a relationship.

So, do I give things a go with him, commit to him and try to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship, in a sense, live a lie, or cut ties with him and let him move on?

It's a massive decision I have to make.
Please be honest with your opinions.

Thanks for reading and hope to hear from someone soon.

OP posts:
DonnerDasherDancerDior · 01/12/2006 13:40

Well, IMO there is definitely something in being best friends. However, I always have to fancy people too. I once was mentally attracted to a guy and he was a fantastic kisser. He made me laugh a lot and really fancied me. However, when I looked at him, I just couldn't fancy his face. Maybe I'm shallow too!

DetentionGrrrl · 01/12/2006 13:40

Can you imagine years in a possibly sexless marriage? What if you commit to him, then meet someone you also feel for, but fancy like mad too?

tc58 · 01/12/2006 13:47

Why are you considering marrying him at all?

bluejelly · 01/12/2006 13:49

Don't do it

Original poster
ScreamsOfTheAsteroid · 01/12/2006 14:04

Thanks for the replies.

I do love him, I really couldn't ask for a better friend, but if he tries to get close, it turns me cold.
He's waited many years for me in hope that I'll commit myself to him and it's hurting him to be with me but not with me, if you know what I mean.

I'm considerng being with him because I know he loves me deeply and he'd be loyal to me. 'm sure we'd have a very rich and wonderful life together. I'm a very sexual person and it sounds awful, but I just wish he "did it" for me. Things would be so much easier.

Just don't know which way to go.

OP posts:
titchy · 01/12/2006 14:20

Some people are just meant to be your friend and not your lover. He is one such person. It's just meant to be that way. You will not be happy marrying him, and the closeness you have as friends at the moment will go once you're unhappily married and the resentment starts to appear. DON'T DO IT!!!

Juicythe2ndnotsowiseman · 01/12/2006 14:39

Don't do it. I really think there has to be that "zing" about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. At the beginning at the very least.

If you're not physically attracted to him now, I really don't think that will change (especially as you've known him 15 years already).

Sex is not the be-all and end-all, but it still matters - a lot!

tc58 · 01/12/2006 14:44

Don't do it. Can you imagine how much pain you will cause him when you meet the man who 'does' it for you? MUCH worse for him than saying no now.

madmarchhare · 01/12/2006 14:48

I imagine that if you marry he want to get even closer and much more often. Dont even think about marrying him, it will only make you unhappy in the long term.

FloatingInTheMoonlitSky · 01/12/2006 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ScreamsOfTheAsteroid · 01/12/2006 18:24

Hello again.
Thanks for the replies.

I know deep down that everything you're all saying makes sense.
As much love, support and security he'd give me, I'd always been yearning for that extra something.

Floating, it's nice to hear you've found "the one". It's so hard when you're in the situation, though, isn't it? I fear that I wouldn't be able to resist the charms of others.
I like to go out and have fun with people of all ages. I think that'd be a problem for him, what with the age difference and all.

But, if decide against being with him, will I live to regret it? I mean, will the "what ifs" haunt me?

I'm almost 30, I have a son and I'm afraid of being lonely.

OP posts:
mancmum · 01/12/2006 18:47

you won't be lonely do not "settle" which is what you would be doing cos you would just be lonely in that relationship wanting to be more attracted to someone else.. you are only 29 I was single and in a similar situation with a dear friend who I loved but could not find attractive -- I did consider it == would have beeb a lovely life of loyalty and good things but the huge vulnerability that no sexual attraction brings.. at 30 I met the love of my life and the other man is still a good friend and settled in a relationship...

nightowl · 01/12/2006 19:24

dont do it. it wont work. i was with someone for years, he wasnt perfect but he was good, kind, loving, responsible, funny. we were great friends, we had great friends, i loved his family, we had lots in common...but a few months into our relationship i couldnt stand the thought of him touching me let alone anything else, i didnt fancy him anymore. i let it go on for a long time because i didnt want to be without him and i did love him in some strange sort of way. i ended up cheating on him, he didnt find out but i eventually had to choose whether to be selfish and stay with him or be on my own. i couldnt imagine at the time, being without him but i finished it and it was for the best. i was fine without him and he was even better without me! we arent close friends but we are still friends and he's now happy with someone else and starting a family. your friend deserves to be with someone who loves him as a partner and if you care about him as much as you do, its kinder to let him have the chance of finding that person rather than giving him false hopes and potentially breaking his heart.

DetentionGrrrl · 01/12/2006 19:36

well said Nightowl.

Original poster
ScreamsOfTheAsteroid · 02/12/2006 01:14

Yes, you're right, nightowl, as is everyone else.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I very much appreciate it.

OP posts:
Tiggly · 02/12/2006 01:28

I know a girl who has just had a fabulous wedding to the worlds greatest man (I couldn't face being there as I didn't agree) all because she didn't want to be left on the "shelf". It stinks. I know this woman is using my mate and all I can do is sit back and wait to pick up the pieces. I would be honest to yourself and to the other person involved, it's better in the long run even if it seems more appealing now...

Original poster
ScreamsOfTheAsteroid · 02/12/2006 17:19

Tiggly, does she have any genuine feelings for him at all or is it simple for fear of being alone?
I'm guessig it'd be very hard for her to keep up an act.

OP posts:
SnafuOutOfHiding · 02/12/2006 17:43

God no, don't do it.

Physical attraction isn't the be-all-and-end-all but it is important (imo). And there's nothing worse than being with someone who actually turns you off

If you took up his offer, it would end in tears for both of you. It wouldn't be fair. Don't do it.

SnafuOutOfHiding · 02/12/2006 17:49

[wry smile]

Well, I'm (slightly over) 30, I have a son, and I'm of the opinion that there's nowhere on earth lonelier than the middle of a dead relationship. Don't settle. Bloody hell, you've got years yet!

expatinscotland · 02/12/2006 17:56

Does he repulse you physically?

I'm going to go against the grain here.

B/c I was one of those people who thought there was such a thing as 'the one'.

My life was miserable relationship after miserable relationship.

So I stopped and went for the man who was like you described. I grew up.

I've NEVER been happier.

Love grew. Passion grew. Attraction grew.

When I came to know what a wonderful man he is.

'The one thing that marriage can most reliably deliver - companionship - just doesn't rate very high on the desire scale anymore. The prospect today of living a lifetime with someone who gives you only stability, a family and companionship? Grounds for Valium - or divorce.'
-Jillian Straus, in 'Unhooked Genera', on the state of dating in the 20- and 30-something crowd.

I would at least give him a chance.

expatinscotland · 02/12/2006 17:59

I don't see it as 'settling', either. Settling for what?

A life as a real partnership? Of trust and respect?

No more stupid melodramas, scenes, 'Does he love me?', over-thinking and over-analysing everything instead of living life for each day in peace?

No, thanks! Wouldn't have that again in a million years.

Honestly, the whole idea that there's 'the one' and 'the whole package' and 'I shouldn't settle' made me more miserable and lonely than anything else.

FWIW, I know A LOT of people who still hold on to those tenets, and are unhappily single in their late 30s and 40s.

Original poster
ScreamsOfTheAsteroid · 02/12/2006 18:14

Expat, it's awful to say it, but yes, he does repulse me. Whenever he's kissed me, my stomach turns. If ever he wants to hold my hand, my skin crawls. He is the total opposite of what I find attractive.

He knows that he's not my type, but still loves me and wants a future with me.

I do love him, hard to imagine my life without him in it, but after 13 years I still don't feel any desire for him sexually. How am I supposed to overcome that?

OP posts:
UCM · 02/12/2006 18:25

I think you will always be thinking that the 'one' will still come along and literally be using this man whilst you wait. It will not make a very good relationship as he is bound to want a bonk every now & then and if you are lying there like a dead fish, it's going to cause problems. My advice is be thankful that he is a good friend, tell him what a good FRIEND he is and start going out more/using dating services etc as there are loads of men out there and one of them could just be the one that floats your boat.

SnafuOutOfHiding · 02/12/2006 19:14

There's a world of difference between realising that 'The One' is a ridiculous fantasy and marrying someone who physically repulses you just because you're scared of being left on the shelf (at not-even-30 ) though...

expatinscotland · 02/12/2006 20:16

K, now that you've answered, if he repulses you, it's only fair that you do NOT take things further w/him.