Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I'm just so unsure...

45 replies

ScreamsOfTheAsteroid · 01/12/2006 13:37

Interested to know what you guys think.

Ok, I met a man when I was 16, I'm now 29. He's 19 years older tha me. Over the years, we've become very close. He is my best friend and I know I can confide in him, as I have in the past.

He's developed very strong feelings for me. He asked me to marry him 5 years ago, but I declined, didn't think he was serious.

I know mean alot to him, as he does to me. He's a wondefull man. Supportive, kind, considerate, patient... I could go on. We enjoy our times together and I know he'd do his very best to make my son and I happy.

My dilemma is, I don't find him in the least bit physically attractive. It must sound pretty shallow, but having that attraction is very important to me in a relationship.

So, do I give things a go with him, commit to him and try to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship, in a sense, live a lie, or cut ties with him and let him move on?

It's a massive decision I have to make.
Please be honest with your opinions.

Thanks for reading and hope to hear from someone soon.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 02/12/2006 20:16

If you still don't feel anything sexually for him after 13 years, you won't now.

Time to tell him the truth.

FloatingInTheMoonlitSky · 03/12/2006 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ScreamsOfTheAsteroid · 03/12/2006 18:22

Expat, is there a nice way to tell him the only reason I don't want to commit to him is because he physically turns me off?

Up to now, I've been telling him how I'm scared of getting serious incase it falls apart and I end up back to square one and losing his friendship in the process.

OP posts:

PannpipesforChristmas · 03/12/2006 19:17

You can tell him that...if you really hated him!!

There would be zero point in being soo cruel...only slightly worse than committing to him in the circs.

I doubt v. much (if you don't mind me saying this..) that you know the answer already...you do just need to get up the courage

lou33 · 03/12/2006 19:22

dont do it, you love him as a friend and nothing else

if you do it, i would say there is a pretty high chance of it going all horribly wrong and you losing him completely in any capacity

MerryChristmasfromQV · 03/12/2006 19:55

Dont do it.

You'd be doing both of you a huge favour by cutting contact with him to very little, if not completely too. He wont change his feelings over night, thats for sure. You will always feel guilty or responsible.

A relationship that festers with unrequited love will never be a healthy one. He needs to know he has other, suitable options as much as you need to find that "zing".

StarrmumofRoyalBeautyBright · 04/12/2006 09:13

Sounds to me as if what you get from him is a father - but you really need a lover.

Physical attraction isn't shallow, it's a basic human need (and I think especially for men), and therefore not to want to share that with him does mean that it's a no no. Part of the marriage vows say 'with my body I honour you' - indicating how important it is!

Don't lead him on any further - because that's what you're doing. You may lose his friendship, which would be a terrible shame, but you're not being much of a friend to him at the moment if you're letting him hope that things are going to go further.

FloatingInTheMoonlitSky · 04/12/2006 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ScreamsOfTheAsteroid · 06/12/2006 16:11

You know, I can't stop think thinking of my son in all this. He needs a good father figure. This man would love him as his own and do the very best to make sure he's ok. Can't help but feel selfish.

OP posts:

MerryChristmasfromQV · 06/12/2006 16:13

Thats a pretty piss-poor reason to do it. IMVHO.

lou33 · 06/12/2006 18:59

i think all it would show your son is the wrong example of why people marry

nutcracker · 06/12/2006 19:02

Have to say do not do it.

I was 18 when i met xp, he was 38. I never ever fancied him, but he made me laugh etc etc and so we got together, moved in together after 2 weeks and settled down. We had 3 kids and by then he didn't make me laugh and I practically hated sleeping in the same bed as him never mind anything else.

I don't think it is shallow to need to find your partner at least a little bit attractive, imo now, it is a must.

Original poster

ScreamsOfTheAsteroid · 08/12/2006 06:06

Nutcracker, how'd you manage to produce 3 kids with a man you never ever fancied?
Are you in a relatioship nowadays?

OP posts:

Original poster

ScreamsOfTheAsteroid · 17/12/2006 20:42

Bumping

OP posts:

jasper · 17/12/2006 23:47

what did you decide?

tigermoth · 18/12/2006 00:01

I must have missed something? Why do you have to decide anything? Has he given you an ultimatum and said you must marry him or else he will no longer be your friend?

As long as you have enough time and space in your life to make other male friends, have an independent social life and have the opportunties to find romance, then why the crisis decision over this relationship?

Am I right in thinking that this man is dominating your social life? Does he make too many demands on your time and want to know who at you are seeing if you are not seeing him? If so, you need to cut looser and not be an open book, but there's no reason why he cannot still be your friend.

VPL · 18/12/2006 00:30

I'm with ex-pat - I don't believe in the 'one'. But I'm also with Nutty. I started a relationship with a man and had a child with him. He didn't repulse me but he didn't excite me in any way either. Now we're seperated after spending 10 boring years together. I don't regret the relationship because I've got DS but I do think 'what a waste of years'. You can't spend your life with a man that you like but don't want in a sexual way. I think you need to let him know in no uncertain terms that there is no way you'll ever take the relationship beyond friendship.

ratclare · 18/12/2006 08:31

how do you feel when he is with someone else? at all jealous?

bubsagrub · 18/12/2006 09:18

Am I the only person who read this same post about 2 months ago...? [humm]

Original poster

ScreamsOfTheAsteroid · 20/12/2006 08:09

Bubs, I've never posted on this site before now.

Well, he told me not to call him again, unless I'd made the decicsion to commit to him.
I haven't called.
I know in my heart that it'd be wrong to be with him whilst always yearning for something else. Not fair on him or me.
As much as I'll miss him as my best friend, he's made it clear that it's all or nothing.

Thank you all for your input

OP posts:

Flip

1 2