If you have no parents..

[snarferson]

Who do you go to when you need someone to speak to? Who is there to reassure and comfort you? When DP is being annoying where do you go for a break?

My mum is dying. She is 48. I lost my dad when he was 41. Both cancer.

I am 29 with a 4mo DD. I have a lovely DP and 3 nice siblings but I am scared to death of losing my mum. She is my rock. Someone please tell me it will be ok. I know it sounds selfish but I need her. I am not ready to be an orphan.

I lost my mum last year and my dad 7 years ago. Am an only child. Lovely DH and now 9 month old DS but I feel orphaned. But you cope. It washes over me in waves but you cope and get on because you have to. It is never the same but it is manageable and your mum will want you to cope and be happy.

I go to my friends

I have a few nice friends but I feel bad passing on my grief to them. I know that's probably irrational. I'm just so sad.

It is extremely hard and don't underestimate how difficult it is.

You will find your way and your place, I promise

So sorry you are going through this. Such a sad time.

It will be ok. It will feel strange I'm sure but will be ok. Are you close to your siblings?

I don't have any parents. It is ok. I wish I did of course but I have lots of lovely friends that feel like family and my own dcs.

I haven't quite got no parents but my DM died last year (like yours, she was my rock) and my DDad is... Perfectly pleasant but more of an acquaintance than even a friend, let alone a parent.

I go to my sister. Or my friends. But it is very lonely still, I haven't got anyone who has made up for that gap.

I am the oldest of the 4 of us siblings. They sort of turn to me but I always turned to mum, and dad when he was around. I feel lost.

You will find people.

If you keep your heart open to people who need YOU you will, I promise, also find people who can give you what you need. Often these people are not who you might expect. I have a 'son' who needed a mother because his first one was lost and I have people who give me what my parents might have given me if they had lived (they died when I was 18 and 21).
Never be afraid to ask for help.

I lost my mum as a teenager and don't have a close relationship with my dad. Really sorry to hear you're going through this, it's so hard and just feels very unfair.

In answer to your question, since having DC my sister is my absolute rock. She lives miles away but we talk all the time, when my marriage broke down she was the first one I called, and the one who listened to me crying down the phone every night for weeks. Hold on to your siblings, a close relationship with them will get you through it. As will your friends

You'll manage it somehow. It's difficult but it becomes a little easier as time goes on - and good friends and family help a lot.

Ack I dunno. My mum died a month ago and I think about this all the time. I have friends I can talk to about the big stuff but I miss all the mundane stuff I would only talk to my mum about. She cared so much about every detail of my life, you know?

I am coping with it as much as possible by leaning into my other relationships. Before my mum died I made a concerted effort to become closer to my mother in law, for example. It's hard though.

I still haven't found anyone to complain about dp to, though! My mum was my safe venting space because I knew she loved him and I could trust her 100 per cent. It's hard.

I feel for you snaferson. Parents should not die when you are young. They just shouldn't. It's just wrong. They should go on until they are absolutely, irascibily, and disgustingly old and they should only be allowed to shuffle off when they've had enough, their bodies have had enough and they are ready to welcome their new life on the other side.

That's my viewpoint anyway and I feel for you. We've lost several people to cancer this year and it just wrings you out and spits you out in bits.

I'm an only child too. My dad died 18 years ago at the youthful age of 70. My poor lovely mum who was my rock is crumbling away slowly with dementia aged 87. She knows me and can just about remember my name . I miss her. I miss our chats about nothing . I miss her support. I miss the fact that whatever life threw at me she was the one person firmly in my corner and would fight like a tiger for me. I'm 63 and struggle so much with this.

Several years ago the tables turned and I became the person who had to fight for her. To get her the best care. To try and explain to her ( with no avail) that if she continued to go wandering in the early hours then she would not be allowed to live independently. She couldnt comprehend and is now in a care home. I struggle with this every day of my life. She's in my thoughts constantly. Something nice happens....I can't tell her. I go to see her and she can't hold a conversation. She stumbles and stutters over her words. I don't know what to say to her anymore. I just sit there fighting back tears until I feel like I've sat there a decent amount of time and can leave. Then I'm Ill for a week because I'm so distressed.

She looks like my mum. She sounds like my mum. Only the bit that made her my mum is slipping away bit by bit , every day.

I'm sorry I've hijacked your thread. You are going through hell. Take lots of photos, videos if that is possible. Is your mum well enough to write you some letters? Or is she beyond that?

I have lots and lots of lovely people in my life. My children, grandchildren, friends to die for , a wonderful new husband, a lovely life....but there's one part of me that belongs to my mum and that will never change.

I used to be a bereavement counsellor and I know from my training that I need to acknowledge the grief. Shed the tears. Remember the good times. Mourn the loss then fill my life with as much fun as I can cram in and that sometimes its hard.

So, yes I do know where you are coming from and my heart goes out to you.

And you too hufflepuffin.

So sorry to hear your news, and totally understand and remember the feeling of not being ready to be an orphan.

Our parents died in 2003/2007 (although last contact with the second was 2001). We were late teens to mid twenties.

For us it has been a mix of our siblings, OH and friends. The relationship with each other as siblings changed alot as the older ones now lean in the younger ones for support when needed but it took a while for them to get comfortable with that dynamic and realise that as a group we can rally round and support those that need it as and when needed. Its constantly changing who needs support and why.

Enjoy this time with your mum and siblings as best you can.
It gets easier, I promise

Do keep talking to your friends and siblings, I didn't and now feel totally alone and I don't know how to reach out to them.
The fourth anniversary of her death has just passed and I coped much better this year, still miss her though. Thought she was invincible.

It does get easier.

I had my DH and DSis and friends but was also lucky enough to be friends with an older neighbour. She was not old enough to be my parent but she was very kind and kind of a substitute granny for my two.

Such a difficult time for you, one feels robbed at any age, don't bottle things up.

I found some friends 'get it', others prefer not to think too much about it.

Thank you everyone. You really are lovely.

hufflepuffin has hit it on the head really. My mum is my safe place. She has lung cancer which is now in her brain. She had radio therapy yo shrink the tumours but they are back and caused a bleed. By some miracle she woke up but is very scatty and it's just a matter of time now.

to hufflepuffin and you dowser and everyone going through it.

Could you write to them Cain? I like to write my thoughts down. A letter gives you the opportunity to write all your thoughts down without interruption. You don't get the same opportunity with a telephone conversation but then you do get feedback.

I think a letter could be a good ice breaker.

You could start
Dear Sis
I know it's been four years since we lost mum and I wondered if you've been feeling like me that it feels like its getting worse not better.......

I'm finding I'm missing her so much mainly over little things, like her opinion on a new outfit/ new curtains . Daft things like that.
And so on.

Then suggest a meet up.

Good luck!

Both my parents are dead and i have no siblings.Its hard especially when my mam died i felt i had no one.Actually teh school my sons where in were very good.The support teacher was always there if i needed to have a chat.

But really i had 2 young kids and i had to do stuff for them so that gave me a purpose.Not to wallow and just get on wiht life.

Thanks for that suggestion Dowser, I'd started thinking about Christmas cards. I think I'm going to make some with photos I've taken this year and send them out, maybe with a little note along the lines you suggested.

My mum is still around but there will be a time which I think may be only a few years away. After my dad died there were certain conversations I felt I had lost, especially about the world of work. Fortunately two of my cousins and my brother are beginning to fill that void.

You're the oldest of 4 siblings?

Snarf, in as loving a way as possible, STOP THE BIG SISTER, MARTYR ACT!

Seriously. I had lots of problems with my eldest sister because she just couldn't let go of that role. At some point, when you're grown up, being the eldest no longer confers on you any special knowledge or abilities. It just makes you a little bit older.

Since my sister has finally let her guard down and confided in me we have become much, much better friends. I think she's been astounded at how much support she's been able to get from me, support which she denied herself because of her belief that as the eldest she needed to 'be there for everyone else'.

You need to be there for each other. Please don't deny yourself your siblings' support.

Snarf, so sorry to hear about your mum, it is awful losing a parent, but especially awful to lose them both.

I lost my dad just after DS1 was born and my mum shortly after DS2, both in my thirties. I went through a marriage break up and all the trials of having 3 DCs, meeting a new DP and all the tricky stuff that entails, with only really Mumsnet for company.

I made some wonderful friends on here who I have since met up with in real life and we have a secret group on Facebook where we support each other. I really think people who are in the same boat are the best people to turn to when times are rough. While your siblings are experiencing it all with you, they need your support and aren't necessarily able to give it, whereas on here, everybody sort of chips in and supports each other.

I have 2 siblings and no wider family, and I have a handful of friends, but again, they're more the 'coffee & cake' type than anyone I can really lean on in a crisis. You might find that your younger siblings can support you too.

Friends who haven't experienced a loss like this can't really comprehend what you're going through, so even those you do have don't really seem to 'get it'.

I honestly think MN is the best friend you could need at times like this - people who have experience of the same thing, who are caring enough to support you without trying to 'fix' anything if it can't be fixed and who are there 24/7.

As Lulu said, it's never going to be the same, but you will cope. I try to think that they are still with me, because I am 50% each of them, so when I need my mum I take care of myself as I know she would have done, get snuggled up with tea and a blanket and tell myself it will be ok.

more a and a warm snuggly blanket for you x

Good luck with that Cain. I hope it bears fruit.

If there was anything I would like in a life would be a sister and brother. In my fantasy world we would be great friends but I know life isnt always like that .

But I can dream......

Snaferson to know you are going to lose your mum is devastating, especially after losing your dad in the same way and both at such a young age.

I leaned on my mum when I lost my dad. I had to be stronger when I lost my mum as I am effectively an only child, no DP and no kids. It was literally just me. Brilliant friends yes, but it is not the same.

I thought I would fall to pieces. I haven't. I have got on with my life in many ways. I have a good life, lots of friends, laughter. But there is always something missing, my parents.

It will never be ok but you will be. I am a lot stronger than I thought I was and you will find strength too.

My mum died of cancer and she died a lot quicker than we were told. There were things we were going to do before she died, more memories to cherish, conversations to be had. We never got that chance. So if there is anything you want to tell your mum, discuss with her or do for her do it today.

Sending you much sympathy and