If you have no parents..

[snarferson]

Who do you go to when you need someone to speak to? Who is there to reassure and comfort you? When DP is being annoying where do you go for a break?

My mum is dying. She is 48. I lost my dad when he was 41. Both cancer.

I am 29 with a 4mo DD. I have a lovely DP and 3 nice siblings but I am scared to death of losing my mum. She is my rock. Someone please tell me it will be ok. I know it sounds selfish but I need her. I am not ready to be an orphan.

Dowser such a moving post. It must be heartbreaking seeing your mum like that. I know exactly what you mean about having that 1 person in your corner. I so miss having my mum there for me and having someone really care about how I am.

I had some bereavement counselling from the hospice (all conducted over the phone) and I found it really helpful to talk to someone who understood but I would end up in tears and cry my eyes out when I got off the phone. It's too painful to deal with (I'm crying my eyes out typing this) so I don't dwell on it in detail and I don't feel I will ever be able to as it hurts too much.

I have looked at the bereavement boards on here (posted under my previous name) but I find it upsets me too much.

I second your suggestion of a video. I have some of my mum. I watched them a few days after she died and then I didn't look again until a few weeks ago nearly 3 years later. It had me in bits at the start, hearing her voice say my name, but it quickly became very comforting. I miss her so much.

Sorry for hijack as well OP.

Thank you for your kind words door totheriver. Mum got pneumonia about 5 years ago and I'm ashamed to say it but I wish she had gone then when she only had mild dementia. She still knew everyone and hadn't descended into the underworld that dementia is.

She would have been spared the indignity , the incontinence and the lack of quality of life. That is what is so tragic. She's existing. You certainly couldn't call it living. Her sisters and her mother all went the same way. it's a terrible thing in my family.

It brings tears just thinking of her miserable predicament.

Dowser I am sure it does bring tears thinking about it. It must break your heart seeing your mum without her being able to be your mum. I would imagine it is one of the hardest health issues to cope with mentally.

My mum died of pneumonia before the cancer could get her and I do feel relieved that she went before she went through the last stages of cancer. Seeing her suffer the last month before she went was horrific enough, I don't know how I would have coped seeing her suffer for months.

I am very sorry

Thank you for all your kind words and sharing your experiences. I'm just so scared

Snarferson, I know I am at the beginning of a long road and am still protected by the numbness of new grief, but so far, emotionally it was so much worse when she was dying than now. I hate saying that because obviously I would take that sadness a million times over to have my mum back but... Knowing she was going was a special kind of hell. At least now I can get to work on healing.

Someone please talk to me.

I'm so so sad. A pure kind of sadness like I've never felt before

Oh, snarf, my heart goes out to you.

My mum died when I was young (still at school) and I thought naively lightning wouldn't strike twice - it was such a shock when my dad died in spring 2014. So sudden.

I felt utterly bereft and am just starting to emerge out the other side smiling.

How are you feeling just now? Xx

She was asking why she can't have any more treatment. She doesn't fully understand. It breaks my heart.

She had me when she was 18 and went on to have 3 more kids. Even though she was young she bought us all up well. She lived her life on minimum wage as a carer and loved those she cared for. Why her :(

Oh OP, I'm very sorry you are going through this and it's very understandable that you feel so sad. I haven't been in your position so I can't advise but when my grandparents were dying I was devastated and it still makes me cry now and again several years later. It's such an unimaginable pain, I felt it physically it was so strong. A couple of people I know have found bereavement counselling helpful, as someone to offload to and support you. It's good that you also have a supportive partner - obviously he will know you are sad, but does he know quite how much? And you and your siblings don't have to be putting on a brave face. Don't be afraid to lean on people. Offload onto here if you find it helps.

Snarf, sorry you're feeling so low.

FWIW I don't think it helps to try and think 'why us' - you can't make sense of it, it happens to the nicest families and it can really rock your sense of justice and fairness. When I hear people say "what goes around comes around" etc like there is some kind of big plan where we all get what we deserve, it makes me cross.

None of us deserve this stuff, it's not a punishment or part of a greater plan. I know two families who have lost a child at around 5 years old. There's no 'why' that can explain that. Life is shit sometimes and how good or bad we are has no bearing on the suffering we have to endure.

Sometimes you just have to wallow in the sadness and allow yourself to feel utterly bereft, because that's what the situation calls for.

When you lose your parents life is never the same again, you can end up feeling a bit rudderless, when you're now the oldest generation of your family it's a scary thing. However, you will adjust and you will carry on her legacy as a mum in the way you behave and treat your own children. She will always be with you.

I honestly think this part is the hardest though. You do so much grieving before it's even happened, but you can't fully start to accept and mourn yet as you're in limbo. Then once the inevitable does happen it's almost a relief that the thing that's been hanging over you, threatening you is now over. I don't want to be disrespectful and I hope you take this in the spirit it's intended. I don't want to belittle your experience, but 10 years on and having several friends who have also lost at least one parent, I just want to say that it does get better, you will cope, you will still miss your parents at times, but you almost have to 'grow up' and start to rely on yourself.