Hi, looking for some advice - my conscience says that i should take into account his illness but my gut says no. Been with my H for nearly 19 years - moved in together after 10 days as a couple, we have one DD who is 17. Didn't realise that it was EA until a few years ago - from early on there were isolation techniques, strops and arguments about me looking at other men/other men looking at me, my behaviour and conduct prior to having our daughter. All bad behaviour (yes, you guessed it...) were blamed on his ex and his parents and interspersed with grand gestures and gifts. The flip side was:
• leaving his job as he couldn't cope on more than one occasion
• determining how money was spent (joint account where i was earning twice what he was but still had to account for any spend)
• going through my mail, facebook, email and phone
• following me or checking I was where I was supposed to be (happened earlier this week where a meeting was moved to a different office resulting in 13 missed calls in 20 mins)
• throwing things when in a rage and punching walls
• threatening to disappear and kill himself when “losing” an argument
• accusations of having an affair (still get accused of this at least one a fortnight) or at the very least hiding something from him which he has a “right” to know
• being accused of being cold and unemotional, unsupportive, not meeting his basic needs, not listening to him
I’ve spent years modifying my behaviour to try and avoid arguments including breaking contact with friends (no visitors to our house in the last 2.5 years) and given up interests and hope in doing some things I’d like to do – to the point where I have had anxiety attacks if I’ve had to go away for work or as a volunteer at kids group events .About 3 years ago he was diagnosed with a blockage in his brain which he attributes the worsening of him behaviour and says that I can’t really hold him to account or expect him to change as a result of this. A few weeks ago he was reading my FB messages without my knowledge where he read that I had been offered the opportunity to undertake an MSc through my work and went ballistic that I hadn’t told him. This led to a two week period where I acted as his counsellor – every time he felt that he was having one of those “thoughts” about me we’d talk it through where he’d tell me what I had done that had triggered the behaviour but there was no need for me to change my actions or to provide evidence to contradict his thinking – this was exhausting and I think just another form of abuse without the shouting. Things have now reverted to type, but I’m expected to let it pass as he isn’t well and I “forget all the good he does, like making dinner occasionally or tidying up as well as buying gifts – question is should I continue to put up as he isn’t well or end it? I pay ALL household bills rent, council tax, phone, electricity and food from my salary he pays Sky, TV license, his credit card and car loan and our “treats” and trips. If I go, he won’t be able to manage financially. While I can’t directly attribute his behaviour to this, our daughter suffers from anxiety and depression and they are barely civil to each other. Any advice appreciated.