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Original poster

Is he lazy or AIBU?

60 replies

whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 14:10

Today I have to travel home for a family funeral (three hour train journey) Before that I have a days worth of work and personal stuff to sort out (including a train trip to next county and back)

Just said goodbye to my boyfriend; who is cat sitting for me while I am away. Still in his dressing gown at 1pm. He had gotten up to make me a cup of tea, but then went back to bed and got under the duvet. I went to say goodbye to him, and he just shifted to end of bed to kiss me. I asked him if he was going to get up to say goodbye, and he seemed surprised, but then did so.

I'm afraid to say I lost it at that point, and said it would have been nice if he'd offered to carry my suitcase down the stairs, or even been dressed so he could walk round to station with me. I won't see him again until Sunday!

His response is that he had made me a cup of tea, and that if he'd offered to help I would have turned it down! He honestly makes me feel like I'm being an unreasonable nag for expecting him to get out of bed! Am I? I honestly don't know anymore. I just feel so unsupported by him. I have a whole days running around now, and feeling really tearful.

OP posts:
Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 20:19

Ironically his mother would be the last person to make excuses for him. She always tells him he's lazy and selfish.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 30/09/2015 20:20

Q: Is he lazy or AIBU?
A: He's a lazy fucker

ForeverLivingMyArse · 30/09/2015 20:24

Is he addressing the mental health issues?

goddessofsmallthings · 30/09/2015 20:24

How can he afford to go on holiday with you if he's unemployed?

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 20:32

He's on AD's and on the list for counselling. Having said that; his prescription ran out nearly a week ago cos he didn't make a new appointment in time. Something else that has bugged me recently! He self harms quote badly. Not stitches badly, but his arms are a mess atm. It's something I find very hard to deal with. Doubly so given my own past history of SH.

The holiday was money he saved from the job he lost. I didn't pay for him to go. Even I'm not that daft!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/09/2015 21:24

Listen to his mother. She is telling you how life with him would be.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 21:27

I've never met her AF. He tells me that's what she says though. It really upsets him.

I've always thought it was very unkind of her, but I'm starting to feel she makes a valid point!Hmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/09/2015 21:30

OP, are you a rescuer ?

It's a very unhealthy dynamic and pretty much guarantees that you will never get your needs met in such a relationship.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2015 21:31

sorry link

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 22:01

I think I am AF. That all sounds very similar to my behaviour patterns. Even down to the part about needing people to stay in need of rescue. My boyfriend has an assessment day next week for a career that I (perceive) as likely to lead him to end up leaving me. I felt quite threatened when he told me.

He also always says I never let him help me with anything. His answer for why he didn't help me today was "because you never let me"

How do you change? I try counselling, I'm on ADs. Nothing fixes me. I feel unfixable.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/09/2015 22:58

Find a good psychotherapist who gets you

That would be better money spent than on propping up this user you have managed to acquire.

Justaboy · 30/09/2015 22:58

Seems then that this is going to end up with a lot of tears. Question. Have you had previous relationships that were similar or put it another way with anyone who had any MH problems at all?.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2015 23:22

Nobody is unfixable, love

goddessofsmallthings · 30/09/2015 23:38

You may not need as much fixing as you appear to believe.

You've got your own home and a lovely feline companion to keep you warm at night, you work 2 jobs, and you don't self-harm any more - that's pretty impressive.

Lose the current millstone round your neck before he drains you dry leaves you and get to work on your self-esteem.

Somewhere inside the woman you were meant to be is struggling to get out. All you have to is find the key that will set her free and it shouldn't be that difficult to find.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 01/10/2015 01:16

I definitely have a history of unstable relationships. The first guy I ever lived with was very emotionally abusive, and also physically on a few occasions. My engagement to my ex fiance ended horribly as well. I'm still not over him tbh, and we've been broken up for 4 years.

It's not so much convinced I'm unfixable, as just totally confused by things. Boyfriend has just rang to check I got to parents safely, and it was so nice to hear his voice. Then I remember how angry I was earlier, and feel upset again.

It's a pathetic thing to say, but I just don't want anymore heartache in my life. I've had so much of it. I just want a partner and hopefully a child of my own. I feel like it's an unattainable goal for me though, and time is running out bit.

Perhaps I should just try and be content with my cat and horses? Really feel so confused right now.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 01/10/2015 04:57

Please contact women's aid.
Sign up to do their Freedom Programme. Try to attend in person.
You need to get your boundaries reset after abusive relationships.
This could be your first step towards that life you want.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/10/2015 05:06

Yes, you need to fuck this manchild off. Just imagine if you had a child with him and he carried on his idle cocklodging ways - No. Just no. Get rid now.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 04/10/2015 15:52

A quick update...

Get back to my flat this morning ( after a 3 hour train ride back from parents place, and straight to work from station for an overnight shift.

Get in flat, and hump my suitcase plus large bag upstairs. Go in bedroom and find boyfriend sitting in bed waiting for me. Again he seems to be genuinely surprised when I (again) go postal for him not getting up to greet me, and help me with case.

There's a cooling cup of tea in kitchen cos he did make me one, but I was an hour late getting back from work. Also mentions that I'm going mad at him for not greeting me, but he's cleaned the flat and I'm not mentioning that! My response was that he doesn't work, and cleaning is a sign of nothing more than basic manners when staying in someone's home.

Feel so shitty. I've asked him to leave and he has. Going to go to bed now. ExhaustedSad

OP posts:
Fugghetaboutit · 04/10/2015 16:00

Did he hear you bringing the bags upstairs?

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 04/10/2015 16:48

He heard me come in. He said he forgot I had cases and bags.

I've just been away for 5 days for a family funeral. Plus we had a row before I left because he just left me to struggle with my bags.

Perhaps he did forget, but how? He just doesn't grasp the concept of these things mattering. I have to your yell at him before anything sinks in (even then it often doesn't)

OP posts:
Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 04/10/2015 16:49

I have to yell at him

OP posts:
Fugghetaboutit · 04/10/2015 16:52

To be honest, men like this don't change. My H hasn't in 6 years. I still have to tell him to do every little thing. No one taught him to do things, he had everything done for him so is very selfish still.
If I could go back, I would've chosen someone more attentive and kinder tbh. You can still do that rather than always feeling let down x

ImperialBlether · 04/10/2015 16:55

He was still in bed?

FFS this man will never get a job.

One thing, it's not good to just stop taking AD medication. I used to be able to tell when my ex had stopped taking his - it made a huge difference to his mood. Why your boyfriend doesn't go to get his prescription renewed when he has no job is beyond me. Never mind helping you, he can't even help himself.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 04/10/2015 17:03

I'm sorry to hear you feel so let down Fugg. It must be endlessly frustrating for youSad

His selfishness certainly doesn't come from being spoilt. He's had a bit of a shitty upbringing if anything. He is horrified when I tell him he's selfish, and says that I am!

I was really annoyed about the ADs Imperial, and for that very reason. He's made an appointment for Tuesday, so that's 2 weeks (nearly) without. He says they aren't working anyway!

For the record...he got up before I was back to make me a cuppa, but went back to lie on bed cos I was late.

I should probably add the bed is my only comfy option at the minute. Living room is full of boxes cos I've had no time to sort it since I moved in. I'm also too poor to buy furniture right nowSad

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 04/10/2015 17:10

Getting up to make a cuppa isn't the same as getting up!

Have you had a look at Freecycle? There are tons of things available there. Also do you have charity shops that sell furniture? I went into one with my daughter and bought her a perfectly good sofa for £20 - couldn't believe it!