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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think DH has mental health issues. What do I do?

44 replies

Roastturnip · 29/09/2015 11:38

I have been worried about dh's behaviour for a while now and suspected it was bordering on mental health issues. Just by chance an article came up in my newsfeed on FB about orthorexia....an eating disorder where the sufferer becomes more and more obsessed with healthy eating. This disorder fits perfectly with a wider pattern of obsessive behaviours.

18 months ago he started out on what I can only describe as a 'spiritual journey'. I think probably it was his way of coping with a whole load of stress.... Business troubles, family troubles....sibling bereavement. It started fairly low level with meditation and adaptions to his diet. He has become increasingly more obsessed with this lifestyle over time though to the point his diet is severely restricted and I am concerned about malnutrition. He spends many hours a day meditating to the point it is affecting family life. We no longer go out for meals together as there is nothing he would eat on any menu, anywhere. He obsessively records his dreams .....I frequently wake up at night to see him writing them down in a exercise book. Has bottled water he drinks through the night from a copper cup (he believes there are health benefits in the copper). He will literally only wear white clothes (won't say why other than "it's important")

What am I dealing with here and how do I address it? I have a 6 year old daughter and baby due any time and am concerned about how all this will affect them if it carries on. I've told him I'm concerned but he says it is just something he has to do.... It's his path now. I understand people turning to spirituality in times of stress but this seems to have become out of control. I honestly don't know what to do. Help!

OP posts:
thisisnow · 29/09/2015 11:52

Afraid I don't have much advice, hopefully someone else will have some more ideas to help you.

Can just say from an outsiders perspective though it sounds really hard, almost like he has had a personality transplant and like you're living with a different person.

Roastturnip · 29/09/2015 11:57

Yes, that is exactly what it is like and am not sure how long I can go on like this. I don't think he has any notion whatsoever that he possibly has mental health issues, particularly around food. Until he does, there is no chance of him doing anything to help himself... In the meantime I am struggling with it. Big time Sad

OP posts:
thisisnow · 29/09/2015 12:18

Also you don't want it to have a negative effect on your children? I mean you don't want your DD to develop a dangerous obsession with food in the future, now she is getting older she will start to pick up on these things.

Have you tried talking to him or does it fall on deaf ears? Also the wearing white thing is quite alarming, like he needs to be clean and pure or something?

Roastturnip · 29/09/2015 12:26

Yes, that is my concern thisisnow.... He doesn't explicitly try to influence her, other than a usual level of concern about healthy eating. If he did, I'd have left a long time ago. But she'll soon be at an age when she'll notice his eating habits and potentially be influenced by them.

The wearing white is a recent thing and freaks me out if I'm quite honest. I've told him I'm struggling with it all but he doesn't see it as an issue. It's just the way he wants to lead his life now. He talks about wanting to reach the highest level of meditation (whatever that might be) and become a spiritual healer.... He is a different person to the one I met over 10 years ago.

OP posts:
Curiouserandcuriouser30 · 29/09/2015 12:45

Are you able to get him to see his GP? Or could you ring the GP yourself and explain your concerns? There are also charities you could maybe get advice from, that could help.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/09/2015 12:52

How did he become involved in all this in the first place?

Is he being directed by other people to do this or is he purely doing this of his own volition?. Whatever it is, he is certainly no longer the person you married.

Is he still working?.

Does he have friends or has he shunned them?.

myotherusernameisbetter · 29/09/2015 12:56

Do you still love the "new" him? or is he such a different person now that you have love for who he was but you don't know the new person never mind love them.

another thing he is doing is changing the expectations of family life that you had as a couple without discussing it etc. I do appreciate that things in life can change those expectations that are outwith the peoples control. So I guess the question here is do you believe he is making these choices for himself consciously and without regard for the family, or do you think he actually can't help it?

If the former then he will obviously not be interested in seeing anyone about it and you'd have to decide if you are prepared to go with that or end the relationship. If the latter it's more complex as it sounds as if it is unlikely that he recognizes he has a problem, but I can see that you'd want to try to help him and salvage your relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/09/2015 13:00

A person though cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship because neither approach works.

You can only help your own self ultimately particularly if it transpires he does not see he has a problem or actually wants your help.

oldaninpurple · 29/09/2015 13:07

My initial thought on reading was He sounds like he has discovered Buddism, however it's not quite right ~ like looking at something with a squint from a funny angle.

Some Buddists practice observance days when they are dedicated to meditation and renewed dedication to the practice. They may choose to wear white when following the eight precepts (undertakings) which includes refraining from all sexual activity, restricting food consumption during forbidden times, paying particular attention to their speech etc. It sounds like he is observing these in constancy; possibly in an attempt to achieve enlightenment faster/quicker however "the greatest prayer is patience"

Personally, I'd ask more about his spiritual awakening in the hope of discovering - if it is Buddism - real life support for potentially an over zealous adoption of practices and ethics.

I appreciate I could be completely wrong, it was just my first (and second) thoughts on reading your OP.

cestlavielife · 29/09/2015 13:12

he can wear what he likes so long as it doesn't impact on family life.
(what happens when the white clothes get dirty? is that an issue? what will happen whenever baby poos or vomits on his white clothes?)

ditto eating - fine if it doesn't impact but but if you like to go out to eat as a family and now he wont then this is impacting.

So tell him. either he decides to be a part of family including eating out, and other activities you enjoyed as a family up to now, or he takes off. do you have other support?

talk to your midwife . will dh be there in mind and body to support you with new baby?

set boundaries - if he agrees to indulge in this new hobby on Wednesdays from 4-9 pm it's fine; so long as he joins family life the rest of time (and you get Thursdays 4-9 to do your hobby). but if its every day and he is opting out then it isnt fine.

does he have a spiritual leader he follows?

go talk to your GP. at least then you have shared the concerns and if dh goes in for something else gp will be aware...

Roastturnip · 29/09/2015 13:13

curiouser....thank you for links, I'll explore those later. I think next to no chance of him seeing gp at moment.... But contacting relevant charities will be a starting point I think.

Attila Noone else involved. I think it began as self therapy after a whole load of shitness in his life but has grown increasingly more obsessive. There are several friends he has cut from his life, who he doesn't think are good for him. He has started a new job recently in support work, which is part of his life plan to help people . .(his qualifications are in engineering so a big lifeshift)

myother..... I've had to have a discussion with him recently about how his lifestyle is affecting family life. He rarely wants to go anywhere or do stuff if it crosses with the times he needs to meditate. This was a huge issue in school holidays but less so now DD is back in school... In all honesty, I find the new him very odd and not sure my feelings have survived. Pluscat 36 weeks pg, raging hormones are clouding a clear perspective of things....

OP posts:
gatewalker · 29/09/2015 13:15

It sounds like your DH is doing what's known as spiritual bypassing and I'm not sure how you're going to deal with it. Having been there myself, it really took me crashing and burning to realise that I'm very much here in this world, and there are things to deal with - namely everything I was trying to escape by woowooing myself off the face of the planet.

I do have the name of a psychotherapist who deals with this specifically, though you'll probably only be able to approach him in your own personal capacity, i.e. what you can do. If you're interested, feel free to PM me.

myotherusernameisbetter · 29/09/2015 13:22

Hmm I get the hormone thing - I'm post menopause and in a similar though not quite as impactive situation as you and wondering whether IABU. One minute I want to split up but then I am not sure that I want to split up 20 years of marriage over a slightly different future than I had envisaged. I do still love him though, just not always sure whether I like him very much. How much of that is hormones I am really not sure.

I wish you the best and hope you come up with a solution that is best for yourself and your children.

Roastturnip · 29/09/2015 13:24

Purple.... Yes similarities there with Buddhism. It is the obsessiveness about it all that worries me. His eating started of as vegetarianism but has become a selection of very few foods he'll eat now. When I ask about the spiritual stuff he just says "I wouldn't understand".

Cestlavie.. That's what I've been telling myself about his clothes and food. But I can't shake the feeling that it is all just odd. And in time, may influence DD.

I am approaching the point where ultimatums need to be given, but I want to explore first whether there is a mental health issue underlying all this that he would address.

OP posts:
Roastturnip · 29/09/2015 13:34

Thank you gatewalker.....will have a look at link.

Thank you myother...

OP posts:
Curiouserandcuriouser30 · 29/09/2015 13:36

OP I think if you, seeing him every day, and watching the way his behaviour has changed, think that these changes in his behaviour may be down to something more sinister than self-improvement, then you are probably right. Trust you instincts.

If I were you I would educate myself about mental health, and watch for changes or warning signs in his behaviour. If he gets worse you will need to seek help, and being prepared would help with that.

cestlavielife · 29/09/2015 13:46

if there is a MH issue and he wont acknowledge it then you need to give an ultimatum - he has to go talk to someone about this or leave. it could get worse...
go talk to someone in RL about it whether that is your GP or someone else.

MH is complex but if I learned anything form exp's severe MH issues it is to talk about it sooner rather than later - if he wont talk about it you need to do so for you. you need to talk about it from your perspective to someone. your midwife, your gp, a counselor. dont hide it or skirt around it...

you have already acknowledged the impact on you and DD. time to tell him he does it in his spare time/in moderation or he takes on board that you and dd cannot or do not want to be with him like this.

cestlavielife · 29/09/2015 13:55

you cant diagnose him, but you can say - your new lifestyle is impacting on me and dd and baby to be.

if it is under his control and he is making a lifestyle choice of his own volition, then it has to change and he has to make a decision to reintegrate into family life, or choose not to....

if it is something MH and taking him over, then he needs to see someone about it; and you can support that process. bereavement counselling might be a starting point.

or he needs to ship out.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/09/2015 14:22

The reality is that, unless he seeks help or comes to the attention of 'the authorities' because he has displayed aberrant behaviour outside of his home, there is very little you can do other than encourage him to make an appointment with his GP with a view to having his physical health checked while, in the meantime, having written/spoken to the GP in question and alerted her/him to your concerns about his mental health.

It sounds as if he's taking practices from a number of eastern religions and cobbling them together to create his own path to spiritual enlightenment; in many religions white is the colour of purity, it's also the Buddhist colour of mourning and Sikh yogis wear all white in the belief that it expands their auras and enables them to practice mindfulness. Does he cover his head when he meditates or at other times?

The copper cup, together with a restricted diet, suggests that he may have an interest in Ayurveda which he is taking to extreme. Does he buy and prepare food for yourself and dd which falls outside of that which he chooses to eat himself?

Does he dress all in white to perform his new job in support work? If so, I can't imagine that this will go unremarked by his employers/clients and he may come to grief if he tries to persuade others to follow his current doctrine.

As he's not a member of a cult, the possibility of debriefing/deprogramming is neither relevant or applicable and I suspect that the stresses you've mentioned and, in particular, the sibling bereavement, have caused his planet to spin out of orbit, so to speak, and he has found comfort in pursuing what he considers to be the way to moksha.

What can happen in these cases is that a momentary lapse such as partaking of whatever has been forbidden - alcohol, a cream bun, a fag - may become the catalyst for more lapses leading to reappraisal on the part of the devotee and their subsequent return to planet earth what can be considered to be normality.

On the other hand, he may adopt even more unusual or bizarre practices and/or insist that you and your dc follow his example, take himself off to a distant land to sit at the feet of a master, or acquire a group of guilible followers who sit at his feet.

It's a great shame that he didn't go to a spirtualist church to develop whatever abilities he has a 'spiritual healer' as he'd still be able to enjoy a pie and pint and his newfound beliefs wouldn't impact unduly on family life.

Unfotunately, I can't see any way forward for you other than to make his practices a deal breaker, which you're best advised to do after your impending new arrival has been welcomed to, and is settled in, the world.

Roastturnip · 29/09/2015 14:36

Thanks goddess.....that's really insightful. He did try a few spiritual groups/churches a few months ago but they didn't seem to be extreme(?) (For want of a better word) for him.

He has a white towelling robe he wears for meditation and yes has the hood up...

He'll get food for DD to the extent of making her sandwiches and light meals etc, but generally speaking we cook separately.

It does feel very much like deal breaker at this moment Sad

OP posts:
KitZacJak · 29/09/2015 15:03

It sounds like some sort of mental health problem. The spiritual stuff is just the focus of his obsession by the sound of it. Sorry not much help at all.

Dismalfuckers · 29/09/2015 19:40

Sounds awful. I think it sounds more like a mental health issue than actual religion/theory.

Otherwise, why couldn't he just point you in the direction of specific practices/rituals/beliefs, and the reasons for them within the context of that belief system?

This sounds much more like some belief system of his own, and as its adversely affecting his health and your family, it sounds to me as though he needs help.

Have you broached that with him? Could you? Could you speak to his doctor for advice? Very difficult one, unless he also feels he needs help.

Roastturnip · 29/09/2015 19:56

dismal .....I'm going to start with the eating and show him some articles about orthorexia I've found. I literally just came across the term yesterday by chance but it describes his 'eating disorder' 100%. And I do think it has become an eating disorder now rather than a pursuit of healthy eating...

I started off trying to be tolerant about it all as he was grieving and I sensed this was his reaction to it. He isn't overtly emotional but the grief had to come out somehow. In the last few days though, having seen him cut out even more foods, I am realising I need to have serious conversations with him.

OP posts:
Mellifera · 29/09/2015 21:58

It does sound like he is desperately trying to keep control of things on the one hand (eating habits) but meditation doesn't somehow fit, as that is normally all about letting go.

Hm. Very difficult situation. Especially the drastic career change would alarm me, in the wake of a very stressful time. Unless this had been planned for a while, I'd be very concerned.

Maybe the best option for you is to approach it from the food angle, and get him to the Gp somehow where you can explain everything that seems odd to you. Possibly persuade him he needs a thorough blood test to rule out malnutrition.

I wish you good luck with that, as I know how difficult it can be to get a men to the doc when they think nothing's wrong/it's not too bad. Angryhead ->| brick wall.

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