I think DH has mental health issues. What do I do?

[Roastturnip]

I have been worried about dh's behaviour for a while now and suspected it was bordering on mental health issues. Just by chance an article came up in my newsfeed on FB about orthorexia....an eating disorder where the sufferer becomes more and more obsessed with healthy eating. This disorder fits perfectly with a wider pattern of obsessive behaviours.

18 months ago he started out on what I can only describe as a 'spiritual journey'. I think probably it was his way of coping with a whole load of stress.... Business troubles, family troubles....sibling bereavement. It started fairly low level with meditation and adaptions to his diet. He has become increasingly more obsessed with this lifestyle over time though to the point his diet is severely restricted and I am concerned about malnutrition. He spends many hours a day meditating to the point it is affecting family life. We no longer go out for meals together as there is nothing he would eat on any menu, anywhere. He obsessively records his dreams .....I frequently wake up at night to see him writing them down in a exercise book. Has bottled water he drinks through the night from a copper cup (he believes there are health benefits in the copper). He will literally only wear white clothes (won't say why other than "it's important")

What am I dealing with here and how do I address it? I have a 6 year old daughter and baby due any time and am concerned about how all this will affect them if it carries on. I've told him I'm concerned but he says it is just something he has to do.... It's his path now. I understand people turning to spirituality in times of stress but this seems to have become out of control. I honestly don't know what to do. Help!

Yes melifera .....I anticipate much head > brick wall conversations!

I confided in a mutual friend last night by text message and she said she'd had similar thoughts about eating disorder (and he's got worse since she last saw him). I'm going to have a good chat with her at some point to get some outside perspective from someone who knows him well and then big conversations will need to be had with DH..

It feels a relief to be finally talking about this. Thank you all.

I expect it will be hard.
Is there anyone else he might trust and respect? A friend of his?
I think the key is to get to the bottom of why he needs to do this.

Keep a food diary and note anything else you can pass to gp.
Get him to gp by any means eg go with him. They have a depression questionnaire they can go thru with him.

Oh turnip I recognise you from elsewhere, saw you'd posted about this on the other place but didn't know what to say. He doesn't seem to be dealing with what's happened. It seems like a control thing really doesn't it. I wish I knew what to say. Has DD noticed anything is different?

(I am the other pregnant one btw!)

roughty!! .... Yes def a control thing and reaction to life events. Just haven't got a clue how I make him see that. He just sees it as setting out on this new path in life...

DD is pretty oblivious to the extent of his issues but aware of how he likes to be 'healthy'. She's approaching an age where she'll notice more though and start questioning.

gatewalker I think it was you who mentioned spiritual bypassing.... I've been reading about it and it very much rings true about his situation. In last few years he has lost two siblings. One at end of last year in particularly dire circumstances. His family live abroad and his sibling had cancer in a country where treatment and pain management were atrocious. Seeing that must have been horrific (he went over to care for him at the end). Add to this a whole heap of other stresses and its understandable he's gone down this path.

Trouble is, how the hell do I sort this? I am more than willing to stay and support if he recognises he has issues .....but not sure how much more I can take if he doesnt. Knowing the hell he has been through in last few years, it would be like kicking a puppy breaking up the relationship. At same time there'll come a point I'll need to protect myself and dc.

On the other hand, it may be that he would find the absence of you and the family as a relief leaving him to pursue his own path, or that it would be the wake up call he needed to realise what he'd be losing. It sounds so hard and I don't think there is a straightforward answer. I'm glad you have a friend that you are able to talk it through with - I hope that helps. :(

Do you think he might explore getting help if you pointed out he needs to have experience of facing painful things in order to help others? That e.g. therapists have to have therapy and the experience of talking about the last few years will support his journey and intended new role?

It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. Some very good advice on here re:spiritual bypassing. Definitely get him to the GP.

Can you ask your GP about any possible frontal temporal lobe disorders as well? just to rule out an organic cause?

my exp's descent was partly triggered by death of his mother. he recognized stress to a degree and went down homeopathic and religious routes... i didnt have mumsnet to advise me better. I should have acted sooner.

you cannot sort this - he has to. he has to want to. right now he wants to go off floating down self fulfilment or whatever.

could you arrange a joint appt with a bereavement counsellor?

could you spell out to him that by choosing his path he is going down a path where he loses his family you and dd and future baby?

could you spell out to him that he has a wife and family and he has to consider you and dc in his choices?

i do know two couples where the wife/husband (one of each) said (when the other was becoming too depressed/anxious/etc to function properly as normal family life) : you go to gp you get some help or you leave. and they meant it. it worked in both cases they still together...

for me there were other more complex issues perhaps but the MH stuff should have been addressed sooner and better- wasnt helped by out of depth trainee psychologists when he was eventually seen, for example...

it is good you recognising there is an issue because it is too easy to become used to the new normal and accept the other person's odd behavior as the new norm. get your friend to be honest with you. talk to your midwife and GP. get support. and be prepared to take harsh decisions.

This almost precisely describes the behaviour of one of my best female friends when she was developing an eating disorder.

I recognise the obsession with spirituality and diet.

She obsessed over healthy food, she couldn't eat in restaurants, wouldn't drink tap water to the point that she took an army water purifier everywhere, she meditated for hours a day.

Sound familiar??

For my friend it ended in full blown anorexia, psychotic episodes and 3 months in the Priory.

She, similarly, had experienced painful and traumatic events, and I think this was the result.

Forget orthorexia it's a label that has no meaning. It sounds like your husband has or is getting an eating disorder. And is manifesting obsessive behaviour with regard religion.

There is a healthy and balanced way to approach old spiritual disciplines.
This is not it.

could he go back to his family abroad spend some time there ?

myother .....that thought has crossed my mind tbh. This whole scenario is going one of two ways. It's either a blessed relief for him that I break it up freeing him to get more and more obsessed with this path he's on. Or it'll jolt him back to earth. Unfortunately I think first one is most likely with how he is at present.

George I think he is using his desire to help others as a means of blocking out having to deal with his own. It makes perfect sense what you say but I'm not sure he's in a place to acknowledge it just now

I'm in a similar situation with DP who has mental health issues and is very reluctant to do anything about them.

No idea what the answer is. I've effectively put down an ultimatum - that DP goes and gets therapy (at the very least) or I'm checking out of the relationship.

How would your DH react to such an ultimatum?

and have a game plan if it does develop further as with twinkelstein 's friend.
be ready to call 999. keep mobile fully charged at all times. have back plan for support for birth.

Thank you. It is helping just getting this out in the open on here. Twinkle.....he'll only drink bottled water and even then obsesses over which brand to buy with the least fluoride chloride and what ever other 'ides' there are.....

I have a MW appt tomorrow, so will try and bring up courage to mention this. By nature I am a head in sand/conflict avoider but absolutely realise that approach isn't going to work and I need to take action now

Re going back to family..... He has very complex relationships with them. His dad is an alcoholic, other siblings are toxic. Right old bloody mess. So sadly no, that wouldn't be an option

is he applying his ideas to you/DD or just himself?

Just himself. He does talk about healthy eating with DD but in 'normal' terms.....ie any food is OK in moderation etc. I've heard him say this to her...