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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Now i have left abuse at work i can see it more in my relationship

29 replies

whatisforteamum · 28/09/2015 19:30

After much consideration i left my 11 yr job where my manager made comments about my looks .age and shouted at me alot for months (he calmed down recently when ppl left and reported him infact he has been nice !!).my other colleagues were mostly nice.
My new colleagues are lovely and friendly.I havent been spoken to badly in a few weeks.This has made me realise how bad "dh " is.This weekend we were car hunting as a lorry wrote my car off (not ideal while settling into new shft pattern)Dh didnt want to change out of his charity t shirt i thought it was best we wore semi decent clothes.He even ranted he would shave when he fucking wanted to at the second garage .I feel he looks ill when he doesnt shave as he is in his 50s.Somehow he can make an effort for his golf mates.He thinks im snobby expecting clean and tidy if we ever go out.This wasnt ever a problem before.
Stood on the forecourt i had a lightbulb moment.He has been v rude resentful and moody for a few yrs.I have given him the benefit of the doubt with teens taking exams..df dying and me getting treated quite badly at work.this is the yr i change my life,new job new er car and hopefully the courage to find someone who will willingly be supportive of doing the chores while i work and think nothing of personal hygiene and his appearance.I am not sure if all men let themselves go after 29 yrs or am i "snobby" as he suggests.

OP posts:

cailindana · 28/09/2015 20:03

Just to be clear, do you expect your husband to obey you when you tell him to shave nd change his clothes?

kittybiscuits · 28/09/2015 20:05

Or perhaps you would like him to respect you by nothe going our looking like a tramp.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 28/09/2015 20:13

well he thinks im too bossy however i would just like him to bath shave and put semi nice clothes on.He wont even buy new ones but the ones he has for golf would do.I am not high maintenance i do my own hair however i always look respectable or so i am told.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 28/09/2015 20:15

surely if he can do it for the golf lads he can do it for me or the dcs ?i would say my parents over dress however there is a middle ground surely.

OP posts:

cailindana · 28/09/2015 20:18

How messy is he? Does he wash?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 28/09/2015 20:38

yes he isnt bad just thinks im picky about shaving or nose hair or dress sense for school run or food shop.When we met he said he didnt have a clue about clothes so i picked some out for him.He kept boxer shorts the waist band he torn off of.:( I didnt use to kiss him as hisbreath was bad now he brushes his teeth more.Am i wrong to mention any of this ?

OP posts:

cheapskatemum · 28/09/2015 20:45

I'm interested - what was it about "D"H that attracted you in the first place?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 28/09/2015 20:53

he was lovely kind and quite good looking.He lacked ambition which wasnt great but an all round decent man.His personality changed about 3 yrs ago.He has had health issues and we have all had to adjust to my new job and dd job that we collect her from.I know he is tired but his attitude sucks.I would love someone who would go places with me and dress accordingly.

OP posts:

gatewalker · 28/09/2015 21:22

OP, you're trying to make your DH into someone he is not; and it sounds like you've been doing it from the start.

What if you were to let him be exactly who he is? Would you want to stay in the relationship? If not, then there's your answer.

kittybiscuits · 28/09/2015 23:42

He gets dressed up to go play golf. I can't see how you are trying to make him into someone he's not. He just CBA to do it to go out with you OP.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 29/09/2015 07:24

I agree hence new job new car then probably going to have to look to move out.I was more shocked by his language and how he will do what he F ..ing likes.I had decided to stay until the dcs were grown up and now they are.Time for me to have what i want not what i have to put up with for money or others sakes.I feel better for changing jobs eventhough df will prob die soon so im not convinced staying put here is doing me any favours either.

OP posts:

HortonWho · 29/09/2015 07:33

You partly married him for his looks and now his looks have faded and he doesn't make an effort to look nice for you. This reads like something out of the 1950s with roles reversed.

happyending14 · 29/09/2015 07:41

I am surprised you have only just come to the realisation your h is 'abusive.' You post regularly here about him op and he sounds absolutely horrendous, whatever he might be wearing.

RiceCrispieTreats · 29/09/2015 07:54

The example you give about shaving and clothes is more about you being controlling than him being abusive: he is indeed free to do what he wants with his own body. But I am curious to hear about the other issues in your marriage that happyending14 alludes to. Do you want to tell us more?

cailindana · 29/09/2015 07:55

From what you say here, he isn't quite up to your standards and you see that as justification to pick at him and criticise him and put him down. Trying to dictate what your partner wears is quite controlling IMO. But it seems from happy's post that there's more to this.

MythicalKings · 29/09/2015 08:01

You sound like a nag, OP. I think he'll be grateful when you've gone.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 29/09/2015 08:05

No Horton he wasnt good looking neither am i he was kind and lovely and my mother made my life hard (calling me a whore for having out of marriage sex at 21 to dh).He seemed nicer as they werent.He was lovely and has only had anger outbursts the last few yrs.I cant see how it is controlling to expect a 55 yr old to make some effort.All it means is we have different expectations that make us both unhappy now 29 yrs later.:(

OP posts:

chairmeoh · 29/09/2015 08:08

From this thread, I can't honestly say that your DH sounds abusive. You sound controlling, and it seems as though you had been on at him about his appearance quite a bit before he swore at you.

But there is obviously more to the situation.

Penfold007 · 29/09/2015 08:12

Is this the H who had a heart attack? He sounds depressed, heart attacks can have a profound effect on personality and moods.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 29/09/2015 08:34

yes he is my dh had aa heart attack dfs cancer went terminal and Mums battling stage 4 cancer too.Now our ds has come out as gay.(not a problem to me however dh was shocked and struggles with this).I was trying to untangle the issues and decided on another job as previously i worried where i would stand if df died.I have made the right descision regarding work no more being spoken to badly there :)

OP posts:

HortonWho · 29/09/2015 08:38

Sorry OP, I'm only repeating what you wrote and you described him as "quite good looking" and listed this as one of the reasons you married him. Now you contradict yourself and say the opposite . Appears there's a lot more to this and it's not really about his clothes.

ethelb · 29/09/2015 11:37

I'm due to see my parents in two weeks and I'm really nervous about it.

I just started psychoanalytical therapy and have been helped to realise I am a bit of a scapegoat for the family (my mother rules the roost).

I'm very nervous about being unable to control my anger at her and her dismissing any upset (my DH is going through redundancies at work and she will blame any anger I have on being 'stressed' about that).

Has anyone ever made this situation work?

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 29/09/2015 16:34

I guess someone has to take control of the family and in our home it was my mum and now in my relationship it is me.Dh always liked my organising things and he used to say tell me what to do and i will do it /wear it.I think we would live in a mess and muddle and if i didnt organise some structure at all.Interesting that i am controlling i probably am.

OP posts:

DontMindMe1 · 29/09/2015 18:57

i don't think you're controlling.

You both have always had different 'basic' standards and approaches to responsibility. Generally, people find a compromise or middle ground, but he chose to absolve himself of adult responsibility and wanted you to do all the organising/decision making etc early on in your relationship. He couldn't be arsed with the things that required putting in an effort - thinking/doing - and preferred to have you 'mother' him (for want of a better word). So he hasn't changed and will not change. He gave you permission to mould him and you tried your best.

The impression i get is that you believed you loved him, he was a way 'out'?, he was the best you were ever going to get and so 'mothering' him and moulding him was a small price to pay for the life you wanted. Nothing to be ashamed about there, plenty of women have done it, still do it and a lot of them are on MN.

Now you've had enough. No shame in that either. You've experienced actual mothering (of your dc), matured in your own outlook and become a stronger person than you've probably ever been before in your life. You've realised that life is too short and too precious to 'settle' for anything less than what you want and deserve. Good on you - better late than never. I just wish more women would come to that realisation before they end up believing 'i made my bed and now i have to lie in it/make the best out of it'.

You don't need to look for 'excuses' to get out of this or even apportion blame in a situation that you enabled. Those were the choices you made when you were a different person. Some people change for the better with time, others - like your dh - don't. There's no shame in saying 'this doesn't work for me anymore'. I mean, it's not as though he's making any effort to improve the relationship - or himself. If you stay it will always be you having to 'lead'.

Get out. Go. Live your life and enjoy every last minute of it.....before we get destroyed by an asteroid/global warming/alien takeover/armageddon

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2015 19:05

Oh come on everyone - his breath smells, he's in his 50s and doesn't shave when he goes out, he shouts at her in public places, he looks scruffy when he goes out with her but not when he goes golfing. Of course she's right to be really pissed off. It doesn't mean she married him for his looks!

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