Is there such a thing as a 'too big' age gap between partners?

[InTheBox]

I'm wondering what you reckon of this. A friend of mine without DCs but would like some one day has started seeing someone 31 years older than her. She's 27 so obviously has some time before she has children but many people have been telling her that he's not the one for her purely because of this age difference.

I've so far been her confidant but she's in quite a quandary wondering whether or not the age gap means they should break up. I, of course, will support her in any decision but it did get me thinking if there is such a thing as an age gap that's just too much. Our friends have told her that as he has a (now adult) child and an ex wife that he's not the one for her in terms of the future.

My ex-partner was 11 years older than I was and we were together 10 years. However, we probably should have parted a few years earlier. The age gap made no difference to start with at all (I was 26 she was 37). But it definitely became an issue later. As a result, I wouldn't go out with anything like such a gap in future.

However, on the flip, I know a couple and she is 71 and he is 92 and they've been together 30 years and totally adore each other. She's dying of cancer at present. Heartbreaking.

I didn't think it mattered until I was in one and it does matter.

After 10 years of marriage, he wants to get rid of me.

From what I gather, around age 33 -36 is the time guys dump off their older wives.

Yes there is such a thing.

10 years is probably as far as you want to go.

20+ and you will be more like a live in nurse than a partner.

Hmm. I'm undecided on this. There's 15 years between my sister and her partner and they've been together a couple of years (she's mid-20s). And actually now I'm used to it it's totally fine.

But there's 20ish years between my auntie and her husband and that is really quite noticeable (she's in her 50s, he his 70s). I don't know if it's because he's been ill or what but it is quite a striking difference.

But then, like pp have said, whose business is it really? If they're happy then isn't that all that matters?

Our friends have told her that as he has a (now adult) child and an ex wife that he's not the one for her in terms of the future.

Has she asked him?

The only way to be sure whether he wants kids/marriage etc is for her to talk to him and not her friends.

However, I agree that on paper at least, it doesnt look like a stayer.

I'm 57 he's 36, been together for 16 and a half years.

hereandtherex You say that but in our instance the ex has just recently developed breast cancer a quite aggressive one too but thus far it's looking optimistic ex is 43 me 63 so?

But you do have a point for those intermediate years say mid twenties to older age when say she is 50 then he is 80 that's probably when it might get a bit problematic as someone in their 80's is likely to be suffering a bit from things like arthritis and the like.

As mentioned when she is say 30 and he is 60 maybe not too bad;!.

There is a narrow band when that might be more acceptable than at either extreme. Course some may argue that interests would be different that that sport of extreme but that's not the be all and end all, there are several other factors he might be that age quite well off, know how to treat a lady well, had some life experience and hardly likely to sod off with a younger woman;!.

My take on it is if you happy and it works for you then what's not to like?. There are daily complaints here of "that man i loved so much gave my all for has been messing around or sodded of with the OW whose younger whatever whatever" etc.

Seems to work for John Collins

I'm all seriousness I know of quite a few age gap relationships, of both sorts (woman older than man and vice versa) all of which seem happy and have been together a long time.

I am in the 'no one elses business' camp.

*Joan not John

Bogeyface Yes, afaik they've had the marriage/kids conversation and he's more interested in pressing ahead than she is. Understandably it's no-ones business but I can't help but see it as a car crash in the making. I've dated older men in the past but a 30+ year age gap seems enormous. She'll most likely be left caring for both him and any potential children.

sipsmith. Its working now but IMHO that is an unworkable age gap in the medium to long term.

My Dad is 11 years older than my Mum. They got along-ish when we were growing up - despite my my Dad making Andy Capp look like a hard worker.

But now both are retired and my Dad has had health issues, my Mums life is pretty hellish. She's acting like an unpaid nurse to someone who, even at the best of time, acts like a big spoilt baby.

Sadly, there is an age where peoples health go rapidly downhill. My mum has just hit that with my Dad. Its not a good life.

Sorry to post such a downer but its advice for the OP rather than a criticism on your life choices.

Yes, sometimes the younger partner dies before the older one but you have to deal with what is more likely rather an event similar to winning the lottery.

Err going out with older man to avoid a partner who would run off with a younger woman is, frankly, nuts.

Another thing, if you have kids there are fertility complications with older fathers, too.

There are studies linking older fathers to mental health problems such as Autism, learning difficulties and the like.

hereandtherex I don't somehow think that would be the main attraction of an older hombre!.

Yes and another thing too;!. A couple who were friends of ours had difficulty conceiving they were relatively young. One of the medical professionals is known to me quite well and we bumped into him one evening and a rather interesting discussion ensured about this very matter. It does seem that the quality of sperm these days isn't quite what it used to be owing to hormones and the like getting into the water supply and other similar effects and low sperm counts and poor motility aren't that unusual these days. Course this isnt to imply that we should keep older blokes around for stud purposes;!.

They did tell us that he wasn't firing on all cylinders and after much soul searching they adopted two lovely children and are a very happy family:).

Dh is 14 years older than me.

We got together when I was 23. At the time it didn't seem too much of an age gap.

I'm now 39 and he's nearly 53. The age gap is more noticable. And I can only imagine becoming increasingly more so. I'm now very aware that I won't have anyone to retire with/grow old with.

Or possibly I spend my retirement caring for him.

My DH is 15 years older than me, we don't notice the difference. We shall soon have 3 under 4 and he is not far off 50. He tells me that having young kids is harder this time, but he also says he is the fittest he has ever been because he is not out at dinner parties, drinking wine with his middle-aged mates getting fat/gout but running around after toddlers. But yes one of the reasons why we will have 3 under 4 is because both of us feel that the risks that come with older fathers sperm quality is not worth taking. Yes of course men can conceive until they die, but we shouldn't ignore the facts. Even men in their 40's have lower sperm quality than younger males and there is still a risk but not as great as if he were over 50.

It's pretty insulting to judge someone on their age alone, it is age discrimination and I think it's also unfair to suggest that an older man must automatically be seeking a vulnerable younger woman to either care for him or basically do as she's told because she's young and naïve.

My BIL told DH the other day that he thinks we are very suited, probably because if I listed my interests you'd think I was nearly 50 not early 30's. And surprisingly it's because we have similar interests and outlook on life we decided to get married. There is no guarantee you will find this again with anyone your own age.

I know the odds are I will be made a widow early, but actually I am not so sure, I have a chronic health condition as well as the beginnings of arthritis and I am in and out of hospital appointments all the time where as DH is in good health. So in some ways I have a body older than my age.

My DF was 30 years older than my DM, he deliberately sought out a young naive woman to marry. I hated having a much older dad and suffered lots of snarky comments about it during my schooldays. I would definitely say a gap of more than 10-15 years is too big in most cases.

There is s seven year age gap between my dh and I. He says he's more tired than me when the DC get up early etc because he's older. He's only early forties, but has ruled out more DC as says he's too tired already?

BoldFox Well hello!. Erm, no delusions at all.

The line re older blokes was a bit tongue in cheek;). A light hearted joke that's all!. Perhaps i should have put one of these:)

It was a counter argument in the quality and fertility of older -v- younger we can go into that in a lot more detail but i expect it'd bore the pants off all concerned.

"I feel for your x. She left you, and got breast cancer. Wow. She spent her youth with you".

Yes she did and it was a worry for all concerned. Although we may have parted we still have two daughters between us and other relatives and thus far all has been as amicable as these things go in fact better than most.

The point being made is that anyone regardless of age can have an illness develop quite out of the blue and also loose a partner at any age. Normally BC develops in later life like a lot of cancers but some can strike at relative younger ages as can other illnesses. I know a couple she was 32 him 37 one day she had an Aneurysm in her brain and was dead the next day:-(

Never had a days illness in her life was very fit could run marathons totally unexpected it was.

FWIW most all of her compatriots at college are now divorced and most all of them married around their own ages. She has two delightful daughters done very well out of me and had a good six figure sum to set herself up another home with so what's the problem and or issue?.

your light hearted little stories (incoherent though they usually are) usually seem irrelevant to the points just made. Instead you seem to have an agenda to normalise age gap relationships. You tell chirpy little stories about twenty year age gaps and how it all worked out. You 'remind' people how even when the woman is twenty years younger, she can still get ill. You think you're being subtle but there are a number of people who see through your script. You are a horrible man. You bore us repeatedly with different versions of the same script. Always the same bullshit. Older man and younger woman and every body happy

I wish you would stop. But you won't. You'll carry on, pushing your entitled agenda uphill. Wondering why women aged (quote) 40-55 don't find you attractive. Maybe if you post enough stories on mumsnet about women who found happiness with a man twenty years older you can change the world.

Two relatives have a 10 yr and a 14yr gap between them & their partners. One couple have been together 15yrs, the other over 20yrs.

I think that it has worked because both the women in these relationships are more mature for their ages and they both rule the roost.

BoldFox I'm not the only one who's said that differing age marriage's are a good or bad thing and I have no agenda. All i did was relate to the fact that I was married to a younger woman and for the greater part it worked fine.

Sometimes it does, sometimes not, no matter the age gap. What the age its for me is not a big issue, why is it for you?.

I don't wonder if women from 19 to 99 do do not find me attractive where ever do you get the idea from?. I'm not currently Looking for a partner i might when i get around to it I wont 'be be seeking anyone with a particular age angle but the overall package mainly whether or not we get on OK whether or not we have things in common whatever.

Age is not the be all and end all for me thanks:)