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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need urgent advice. Ex tried to kidnap DS from school.

43 replies

Dogsarebetter · 28/09/2015 12:22

Previous ex drama is here-www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2451444-Threats-of-violence-and-birthday-contact
After months of violent threats, ex threatened to kill me and snap my neck in the front of the kids so I stopped contact until he went to court for access. He has PR and is on the birth certificate.

Quick update-
He's had no contact with DS since. He sent me a letter to attend mediation which I declined because he's a violent argumentative bully and I'm not paying £300 for the privilege of being screamed at because he can't get his own way. Especially when he's claiming legal aid because he works cash in hand so he gets it for free.

So I hadn't heard anything until I got a phone call from the school on Friday saying ex had turned up and was trying to take DS. I was round the corner so I got there pretty quickly and he was in reception kicking off. They have security and hadn't let him in the door but he was saying he was "fucking taking him and nobody was fucking stopping him"
Headteacher took us into his office and I said that he wasn't taking him because of the threats and to take me to court and then he could see him in a contact centre. He was still screaming and swearing and saying nobody could stop him. I said he had repeatedly threatened to kill me and he said no he hadn't, he'd actually threatened to kill my DP (that's ok then...) and it was my fault oldest DS was scared of him because I shouldn't have had the phone on loud speaker when he rang threatening me (..?)
He was still shouting he was taking him so I calmly said "Well, if I can't stop you taking him, that means you can't stop me" I walked calmly out of the office, down the corridor, got DS and walked out of school holding his hand while ex shouted at me. My DM lives round the corner so we went to hers and locked the door and rang the police while DM went to get oldest DS.

Poor oldest DS had seen ex turn up while he was in assembly and had ran round to his brothers classroom and obviously hadn't been able to find him, and DM found him inconsolable in reception thinking ex had taken him.

Police were surprisingly helpful and are going (not heard if they already have) question him regarding threats. I'm seeing my solicitor later to see where we go from here. ex has been into school this morning and has put in writing that nobody but him or me is allowed to collect him (so I can't have a bloody childminder for work!) and he wants ringing when I collect him or if he's not in school. Just to make my life difficult. He also said I attacked him and wanted headteacher to be a witness! (he's insane, I was nowhere near him! and now I'm scared he's going to try to get me done for an assault that never happened) Both boys are off school until I've got legal advice, they both don't want to go back and oldest is really shaken up.

what a mess :(

OP posts:
NewLife4Me · 28/09/2015 12:28

Omg, you poor tthing and your ds too.
I have no words of wisdom but practically keep logging everything and follow up Police action etc.
I am so sorry you are all going through this.
The HT will not be bullied into saying you attacked him and they will certainly make a statement as to his ranting and raving in school.

Sighing · 28/09/2015 12:33

The head will not 'witness' to an attack that didn't happen. Your ex will just like a fucking idiot wasting police time.

They will be likely to talk to social services to raise a concern about the terrified reaction of DS / incident generally.

There is no way a school is going to ring a parent every time the other parent collects their own child from school!

Original poster
Dogsarebetter · 28/09/2015 12:37

Heads exact words were "I need to remain impartial but you need a court order!"

I don't even know where he lives and he will try and take him again :( problem is because I spent so many years being told nobody will believe me I'm scared that's exactly what will happen.

OP posts:
Maryz · 28/09/2015 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 28/09/2015 12:51

The school can't legally stop him without a court order.

What I would do is keep the children off school until a Child arrangements order is in place.

Hopefully you can get an emergency court order.

songbird · 28/09/2015 12:55

Horrendous! Do the school not have CCTV in reception? DD's school do.

WickedWax · 28/09/2015 12:57

You need urgent legal advice. Have you actually got an appointment to see someone?

WickedWax · 28/09/2015 12:59

Ah just spotted you're seeing a solicitor later. Hopefully that's later today.

ChattingAway · 28/09/2015 12:59

Do NOT let your children go to school until you get a court order. Can you stay at your mother's? Perhaps the children could be looked after by the CM during the day rather than going to school. I'm sure the school would arrange for school work to be given to you.

Original poster
Dogsarebetter · 28/09/2015 13:00

wickedwax yes it states in my original post I'm seeing my solicitor later today. Yes I do have an appointment.

How difficult will it be to get a court order? I don't know the process?

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 28/09/2015 13:03

He just did you a massive, massive favour. You now have clear-cut evidence of his total lack of concern for the child and his inability to control his temper, and you have police involvement.

He just proved that mediation isn't appropriate, because he is abusive (courts look askance on refusing mediation for any other reason) and you may well now be entitled to public funding (legal aid) if your income is low enough, on the grounds that he is abusive. He's not entitled to it no matter how low his income is; it's no longer available for court action in normal circumstances. But you probably are.

Have you called Women's Aid, so they can help you locate an appropriate solicitor? A non-molestation order might be a good idea, no? As well as the child arrangements order pending full hearing?

Some people, sadly, do exaggerate or plain invent abuse in an attempt to block contact. They try to hijack the support and protection intended to safeguard victims. It makes it a great deal harder for genuine cases to be taken as seriously as they deserve. He just proved your statements for you, with Head as bystander and police involved too. Trying to control your ability to work and demanding the school call him every time DS is collected, or off sick, is making him look what he is: abusive and controlling.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this, but it sounds like a good thing, in the log run. You have evidence now.

sleeponeday · 28/09/2015 13:07

Apologies, I missed the fact you have a solicitor already.

Sorry to ask, but are they a specialist child & family one, or a high street who do wills etc as well? If there is abuse, then a specialist one can be really, really helpful.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/09/2015 13:07

I suggest you discuss applying for prohibited steps and non-molestation orders to safeguard yourself and both of your dc when you meet with your solicitor later today.

Your ex may be eligible for legal aid in respect of family mediation but, unless he can prove he's a victim of dv or that your dc are at risk of abuse from you, he won't be granted community legal service funding to apply for court orders in respect of child care arrangements.

cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 13:09

I'd actually agree with sleep- if you can keep your head, this has flushed things out rather than having them festering quietly away.

How are the boys today?

Namechangenell · 28/09/2015 13:14

I'm no legal expert but I totally agree with sleep. He's just done you a huge favour - showing his true colours in front of witnesses, and better yet, his children's teachers. What more proof is needed? I'd also look into counseling for your sons/family counseling as they'll cretainly need some help to process all this. Those poor boys. Can't idiot ex see what he's doing to them?

goddessofsmallthings · 28/09/2015 13:14

Your solicitor can advise you how to apply for an ex-parte non-molestation order which will be granted with immediate effect pending a full Hearing of the case which is usually takes place within 4 weeks or so of the date the order was made.

However, as you don't know your ex's address, you may have some difficulty as the order must be served on him with due notice of the Hearing date.

If the police are able to track him down your solicitor may be able to liaise with them with regard to obtaining his address, or at least gain some indication of his whereabouts, and your dc's school should have his full contact details on file

AlisonWunderland · 28/09/2015 13:22

If willing, the school can ring him and ask him to attend for some spurious reason, and maybe see if the papers can be served on him in person when he turns up? (By court official, not by school obvs)

BitOutOfPractice · 28/09/2015 13:43

I think the school would be reluctant to release the DC to him now after they've seen his true colours nd especially if they know you are taking legal steps to protect the children

What a horrible experience OP Thanks

AnotherGirlsParadise · 28/09/2015 14:06

Oh sweetheart, my heart absolutely goes out to you - I'm terrified of exactly the same thing happening with my eldest DS.

As PPs have said, non-mol and prohibitive steps orders, pronto. They can track him down. AlisonWunderland raises an interesting point though - ask your solicitor if that's possible.

Flowers
Original poster
Dogsarebetter · 28/09/2015 14:54

Thank you everyone, sorry if I sounded grumpy re-solicitor I'm very stressed! Hopefully I can get the court orders quickly, he has threatened to "take" him before and has obviously now carried out this threat, so I don't think it would take much for the threats of violence to escalate either. I'm not so worried for myself, but I'd do anything to protect the boys. School and police have been fantastic though, really can't fault them.
I thought about nipping in tomorrow and seeing if I could get them some work to do at home. Counselling for them is also a good idea, I'll have a look round for one privately and maybe also speak to the doctors.

I actually don't think it's about seeing the kids, it's all about hurting me now he can't control me anymore!

OP posts:
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 28/09/2015 15:52

I can understand you being very stressed.

Hope your appointment goes well.

MissMarpleCat · 28/09/2015 16:02

What a horrible situation for you and your dc's. He sounds very nasty, I hope you get the court order Flowers

tillytown · 28/09/2015 16:02

Hope your boys are ok, poor things Flowers

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 28/09/2015 18:44

This is a very difficult situation. Legally, there is nothing the school can do without a court order, other than what they did, which is to try and stall until you get there. And they don't really have to do that. He has PR and so is perfectly legally able to take his child from school. It isn't kidnapping.

But, by the same token, you also have PR and he can't stop you from arranging for a childminder to pick her up if you're working. Don't become the victim of his drama Wink

Hope it went well at the solicitors.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 28/09/2015 18:49

Again, I'd caution against you just not taking your children to school without seeking specific advice on this. If the children are on roll, you have a legal obligation to take them to school. I don't think a HT will be able to grant authorised abesence in these circumstances. But I don't know, I'm not a HT.

Again, I hope your appointment went well.