Toxic families, wills and inheritance

[WTAFuckery]

I have NC for this. I'd appreciate some insights into our situation - it's kind of a AIBU, but don't want to post in AIBU, cos it's not that kind of issue. And anyway I know IANBU, but it's still a weird one. Anyhoo...

So, my dh of 22 years is a lovely bloke, with parents who were impressively horrible in all sorts of ways. FIL died about 10 years ago, MIL is still alive. The relationship has always been tricky, MIL's stock-in-trade is the blistering, vicious personal attack in response to any behaviour that does not meet her particular, highly idiosyncratic, expectations, plus variations on the silent treatment. Horrid, but we somehow muddled through from a (probably misplaced) sense of obligation, and for the sake of the children. Since FIL's death things have deteriorated further, and after many rounds of the kind of hideous scenarios familiar to Stately Homes regulars, we are now no contact with MIL and BIL/SIL.

So apropos of an article in last week's paper, DH decided that he'd quite like to see a copy of FIL's will, and ordered it up from the probate registry. Turns out that FIL's will, dating from several years before he died and well before any kind of NC falling out, essentially leaves all of FIL's share of the house, the land and everything else to dh's younger brother. We might have assumed that this was a 'mirror will' kind of scenario in which the other half came to dh on MIL's death, were it not for the inclusion of a paragraph which specifically states that they do not want dh to inherit the family home or the land (quite a lot of land - it's not exactly a landed gentry scenario, but it's a big house with generous grounds, woodland, etc).

It's hard to know how to feel about it, tbh - dh and I were both torn between "WTAF"? and "well tbh it doesn't really surprise me". DH has actually been really poleaxed by it, not because he was expecting to inherit anything (particularly since NC) but because the will predates any major family falling out, and covers a period where we were all in regular contact with the ILs, the children staying, dh helping them with legal and tax paperwork, work on the land etc. Deliberately stating in your will that one of your dc is not to inherit just seems like such a spectacularly shitty and divisive thing to do - ironic given that one of MIL's main gripes with us has been that we are splitting up the family and destroying the relationship between our dc and their cousins. Hmm, because obviously disinheriting one set of grandchildren in favour of another a good ten years before any actual falling out is a really good way of promoting family harmony...

Dh has been coming to terms for years with the fact that his younger brother was the favoured golden child, but even so, this is a corker for him (and us) to get our heads round. And at some point our dc will realise that their grandparents home which they used to visit and stay at has been given to their cousins but not to them - ironically, dh's brother's family are really very well-off indeed, while we work in the public sector so are on rather more modest incomes (not that that makes any difference to the dynamics of the situation, but it does add an extra twist).

I know we're well shot of the lot of them, but it's still a bit of a head-fuck. And makes it less likely that dh will be able to reconcile with his brother after MIL's death, since BIL gains financially from the fact that dh has basically been screwed over. It's the emotional repercussions rather than the financial ones that are the hardest, I think, but obviously the two are intertwined.

Anybody want to help us digest this latest plot twist in the unlovely family saga?

It is a head fuck for your DH but the FIL is dead now and nothing cN change that. However, wth wills nothing is decided until the final person in the chain has died. Therefore your MIL might have had a new will written which changes everything. It doesn't matter what FILs will said as in the first place I assume he passed everything to his wife who can dispose of it as she likes.

My STBXH's will left nothing to him. Thank fully for STBXH his mum changed the mirror will in the short time she was alive after his death. My STBXH is having to deal with how his Father felt of him but money can make people do really horrible things and use it as a punishment or control.

Awful. Cannot understand that.... Is there any chance that DH wasn't the biological child of FIL? Just trying to work out why there could be such horrible rejection.

What a horrible situation, I really feel sorry for your DH.

He probably won't ever know why they did it. It would probably be a bit weird to ask MIL especially as you are all NC.

I take it BIL is still talking to MIL? What's their relationship like? Is she as difficult with him and his DW?

Yy to punishment and control.

I presume MIL will have rewritten her will following FIL's death, but that is highly unlikely to go in dh's favour. And half the property now belongs to BIL in any case, so we'd never be able to buy him out even if the opportunity presented itself.

Luckily dh doesn't have a huge emotional attachment to his family home because the relationship with his parents was always complicated, but the sheer naked favouritism is still shocking, and bound to be hurtful. And effectively guarantees that the split will be passed down to the next generation as well.

That is truly a horrible thing to do to your child. Can you think of anything that has gone on in the past that would give them justification for doing such a thing?

I know a couple who have left one of their 3 children out of their will, but only because that particular child has been a financial drain (not to mention an emotional one) on them her whole adult life and she has already had more money out of them than the other two put together, so they see it as evening up the balance.

Koala - BIL has quite a weirdly co-dependent relationship with MIL (and FIL while he was alive). MIL is quite capable of being horrible to BIL as well, but they do both facilitate one another's crazy. It works for both of them, in a dysfunctional kind of way.

We are well out of it (dh has had quite a lot of therapy, and clearly the therapist thinks he's done the right thing by cutting contact even though she's not said as much directly). But it can never not be hurtful, I think.

I think if nothing else, it backs up your decision to go NC with them all (I know it predates it but it's a huge example of their shitty behaviour) and as you didn't find out about it until after the NC you can rest easy that money wasn't a factor in your decision.

None of that makes it less hurtful though

Years ago, my mother told me quite amicably (rare for her ever to communicate anything amicably) that she and my father had decided to leave everything to my sister. There are five of us, but only my sister ever counted - a bit like the bad part of a fairy story, I was beaten verbally and physically.
Her reasons were that, although the rest of us were significantly poorer than my sister, they 'knew' we would all make more money eventually . They went on to practically give this sister their house in an expensive area of London when they retired.
My sister has two children whom my parents looked after and put through private school - when mine were born, they used to say that they were unavailable even for me to take them to visit because they had my sister's children.
Since then, my father has died and my sister no longer speaks to my mother (think she thought she had got enough to cut free).
My brother is now the favoured child - everything is now going to be given to him because he is most in need - he owns two houses and has a well paid job. My sister (the unfavoured one) is struggling with an interest only mortgage and is self employed and, although I have a fairly good job, I am pretty much destitute after leaving an abusive marriage.
Moral of this long story?
Your husband's parents are shits - like mine - and they create shits with these kinds of money games.
Nothing you can do except let it go :(.

If I were you I'd talk to MIL and BIL about it. Ask MIL why her husband did such a cruel thing. Ask BIL how he feels about being a pawn in his parent's relationship with his brother. It might bring some 'closure' for you and DH.

iPaid - we're not in touch wtih MIL or BIL at all, because any contact with them precipitates a new torrent of attacks. Any attempt to query it with them would end up with dh being painted as grabby and materialistic and wanting to get his hands on the money.

Of course that's not what it's about at all, but that's how it would look, which is why it's hard to talk about. It's really about love and favouritism, but parental love has to be freely given, you can't really ask for it years later. In this case it's pretty clear that parental love wasn't being freely given, that's what makes it so hurtful.

It's one thing to know how someone feels about you, it's another to see hard evidence in black and white of quite how much they dislike you. When the someone is a parent it must be so difficult to accept. Even though your DH probably had lots of evidence of their bias from how they have treated him over the years, seeing himself deliberately cut off for no tangible reason must have shocked him.

From experience of one of my parents family, when selfish and flawed parents play favourites with their children they cause emotional damage to all their DC and make it very unlikely that those DC will have relationships with their siblings as adults.

We go NC with people because they can't be reasoned with and behave unreasonably.

Just because somebody is dead doesn't mean we can reason through their behavior any more now than when they were alive.

Remember, the date we went NC from was the date we identified them as being unreasonable, it doesn't mean they were reasonable before that, just that we were more tollera than or didn't see it.

So whilst I fully apprise it's opened the whole issue of rejection and hurt that led to him going NC in the first place, nothing's changed. You won't be able to apply any other logic to this than that they were always the horrible unreasonable people you realized they were that led to going NC. He'll grieve again for what he wished could have been which was the parents every person deserves

when selfish and flawed parents play favourites with their children they cause emotional damage to all their DC and make it very unlikely that those DC will have relationships with their siblings as adults.

This is so true, sadly. It's the 'gift' that keeps on giving.

WTF - I understand that totally. I just think if I were in your position, I'd have that meeting (without DH) just to hear their reasoning and let them know how utterly contemptible they were. However, I'm quite aggressive by nature so wouldn't be intimidated by MiL whereas I can appreciate that nicer people might want to avoid a confrontation.

I know it's not about the money but do you think BIL might share his inheritance with your DH when the time comes?

I thought the comment about selfish and flawed parents was entirely spot on too .

Happened with my DM. To be fair she realises her mistake now but my sister and I are nc.

WTAF it says everything about your ILS. You poor dh should hold his head up high. It is hard not to feel cheated because he has been but it is worth it nor to have toxic people in your lives. Better your DC don't have to endure this 'family'.

What a horrible thing to discover. I'm not surprised your partner is poleaxed.

The only positive thing I think you should get form this is that he never stood a chance and your decision to go nc was the right one. I often think nc is recommended far too often on these boards, but sometimes it really is the right choice.

arthriticfingers that is shit.

Honestly, what do these people get out of behaving like this? It says everything that the favoured child cut free. I wonder what caused that after all the help she received? The price for being the golden child is usually too high.

How fucking horrible.

I don't think that you'll ever be able to reason it out or understand their actions. It is what it is & you can't change them.
My MIL cut out my DC' s at Xmas because she doesn't like me, "taking her son away from her." She didn't need my dcs because, "she has other grandchildren now."
Bil' s gf had dcs & they took the place of mine & DH' s dcs, (you know, the ones they'd held as new-borns, been godparents & grandmother to.)
Bil did marry gf, we weren't invited, they've split up now, so I've heard & Bil is back living with Mil.
We're still NC with Bil, Mil & Sil. Mil is an embittered, vicious woman who controls her flying monkeys ruthlessly.
I've had lots of counselling, (things that have been said & written about me are truly awful. After I told my mil that my breast lump was benign she said, "more's the pity." She doesn't know that since then I've had bc & a mx).
My counsellor said repeatedly that I knew that their behaviour was awful, that they were the ones with the problem. The only person I hurt when wasting thought on them was me, & DH if we talk about them very rare.
So you know that the problem is with them, there's nothing you can do about it. Let them go & be a happy, successful family unit by yourselves.

Frances

Thanks Imbroglio Yes it is shit - or, as the Americans say, 'It is what it is' (i.e. shit)
Walking the line between between cutting my children off from their grandparents and them realizing that they were being treated like shit was the most difficult :(
WTAF if it helps your husband, there is nothing personal in all this. When my favoured sister cut free, my mother focused on my brother, who had not been the favoured child up to then. She just needs to have a favourite so that she can treat the other children like shit. Fuck knows why - her problem.
An example of twisted reasoning and money:
My mother told me she had to give my brother her new car (she gave one to the favoured sister when she was around and her old one to my brother when he became the favoured child.
This, she happily told me was only the first of things she would have to fund my brother for 'because he has so little' not even a fridge.
I actually believed her and told my brother about fridges you can buy for £100. Turns out (my brother is not very bright) that he is waiting for the right gigantic 'retro' ice-making fridge for which he will pay more than £2.000.
It is all twisted and wrong and tied up with lack of real love and money becoming a substitute.
Nothing one can do at all - that is why you can't talk to your PIL WTAF

You've hit it on the head there, fingers.
You feel that you should give dcs a relationship with their GM, because that's what happens within normal family dynamics.
However, when the DC are likely to get hurt & emotionally abused, as the mother you have to protect your children, from whoever the perpetrator is.

Yes, and when you are caught up in such toxic families you normalise it - for a while!

We got a tale of woe from mil about sil's finances when she was having a baby. So I sent all our ds's baby clothes and bought beautiful maternity wear for her. Sil then regaled us about the amazing holiday they were about to go on and how they were upgrading their car to a BMW for pfb new arrival. When we said to mil 'ahem you were talking rubbish she fessed up that she had been laying on a tale a bit. FGS.

'Fessed up' is good (not perfect), though. For my mother, it is all 'true'.