Toxic families, wills and inheritance

[WTAFuckery]

I have NC for this. I'd appreciate some insights into our situation - it's kind of a AIBU, but don't want to post in AIBU, cos it's not that kind of issue. And anyway I know IANBU, but it's still a weird one. Anyhoo...

So, my dh of 22 years is a lovely bloke, with parents who were impressively horrible in all sorts of ways. FIL died about 10 years ago, MIL is still alive. The relationship has always been tricky, MIL's stock-in-trade is the blistering, vicious personal attack in response to any behaviour that does not meet her particular, highly idiosyncratic, expectations, plus variations on the silent treatment. Horrid, but we somehow muddled through from a (probably misplaced) sense of obligation, and for the sake of the children. Since FIL's death things have deteriorated further, and after many rounds of the kind of hideous scenarios familiar to Stately Homes regulars, we are now no contact with MIL and BIL/SIL.

So apropos of an article in last week's paper, DH decided that he'd quite like to see a copy of FIL's will, and ordered it up from the probate registry. Turns out that FIL's will, dating from several years before he died and well before any kind of NC falling out, essentially leaves all of FIL's share of the house, the land and everything else to dh's younger brother. We might have assumed that this was a 'mirror will' kind of scenario in which the other half came to dh on MIL's death, were it not for the inclusion of a paragraph which specifically states that they do not want dh to inherit the family home or the land (quite a lot of land - it's not exactly a landed gentry scenario, but it's a big house with generous grounds, woodland, etc).

It's hard to know how to feel about it, tbh - dh and I were both torn between "WTAF"? and "well tbh it doesn't really surprise me". DH has actually been really poleaxed by it, not because he was expecting to inherit anything (particularly since NC) but because the will predates any major family falling out, and covers a period where we were all in regular contact with the ILs, the children staying, dh helping them with legal and tax paperwork, work on the land etc. Deliberately stating in your will that one of your dc is not to inherit just seems like such a spectacularly shitty and divisive thing to do - ironic given that one of MIL's main gripes with us has been that we are splitting up the family and destroying the relationship between our dc and their cousins. Hmm, because obviously disinheriting one set of grandchildren in favour of another a good ten years before any actual falling out is a really good way of promoting family harmony...

Dh has been coming to terms for years with the fact that his younger brother was the favoured golden child, but even so, this is a corker for him (and us) to get our heads round. And at some point our dc will realise that their grandparents home which they used to visit and stay at has been given to their cousins but not to them - ironically, dh's brother's family are really very well-off indeed, while we work in the public sector so are on rather more modest incomes (not that that makes any difference to the dynamics of the situation, but it does add an extra twist).

I know we're well shot of the lot of them, but it's still a bit of a head-fuck. And makes it less likely that dh will be able to reconcile with his brother after MIL's death, since BIL gains financially from the fact that dh has basically been screwed over. It's the emotional repercussions rather than the financial ones that are the hardest, I think, but obviously the two are intertwined.

Anybody want to help us digest this latest plot twist in the unlovely family saga?

It depends which mode you get mil in arthritic. if you have all your ducks in a row you can call her out but she'll try to wriggle off the hook if she can. And then on another occasion would insist sil on breadline having forgotten our conversation.

We went nc when she ranted for 45 mins on Christmas morning about how rubbish we are to sil. Then she sent a text the next morning saying how lovely it was to talk with dh on Christmas day. There are mental health issues which cause her to refuse to recall what has happened and she creates a new reality but the truth is we can't put up with sil and mil behaviour anymore.

arthritic I read your first post again
I really feel for you You are right - people in such a situation must look forward and move on. No one deserves such treatment.

Indeed Quiet enough with 'putting up with' them - that way madness lies.
As you say, their twisted reasoning for everything to one child and nothing to the others is enough to do anyone's head in.
OP, you are not alone.

op that was an exceptionally cruel thing for your FIL to do. I hope that you dh is okay.

To be fair to my mil she had a period of mental health issuesissues years ago which she perceived as impacting in sil the most as she was the youngest. So for 30 odd years mil's been compensating. Sil is totally spoiled and very selfish and thus very difficult to deal with. It doesn't make it right for my dh who was affected by his mother's illness but mil is not evil or vile.

These people are selfish narcissists. That's all. You can't reason with them because they're differently brained.

Cross posted - didn't see derxa's post

My best wishes to your dh OP. I hope he finds a way to come to terms with this and doesn't blame himself. Well done on supporting him at such a difficult time.

Thanks for all the responses, I think it helps to get a reality check - it's so easy to start normalising the bonkers thinking, as people have said, and to blame yourself.

I think there is no point at all us having any kind of contact with MIL, as arguing with her is like trying to nail a jelly to the wall - she will lie, rewrite history, contradict herself, rage, cry, whatever it takes to win an argument. No, I don't think BIL will do the decent thing and share anything with DH - they've been played off against each other all their lives, and BIL will see the inheritance as his just reward for being the reasonable supportive son, and as dh's punishment for not putting up with unlimited toxic bullshit and manipulation supporting his parents.

The whole thing is just so horrible, and the fact that it's a will makes it so much worse somehow - a will is the last thing you ever get to say to the people you leave behind, so it's somehow imbued with much more significance than ordinary family interactions. It's incomprehensible to me, really - to use your last ever words to cause pain and spread bitterness, instead of taking that opportunity to show your children that you loved them and cared about them.

Are you in England? I'm not sure you're allowed to disinherit children in Scotland.

Yes, England. I'm sure it's all perfectly legal, it was drawn up by a solicitor. And obviously it's their house and their money, so they can do what they like with it. Equally, we can judge them for the choices they have made, I guess. That's small comfort for dh, though.

I've just lost my dad and we didn't see eye to eye laterally. He did get arsey about money and discussed it with his lawyer. he didn't realise he had access to to trust money. People get old and lose their sense of perspective. Yours is an absolutely horrible story. Children should never be disinherited in my opinion.

WTAFuckery not sure if you had deliberately not answered Foxes' question or just missed it - is there a possibility your DH is not the biological child of your FIL?

It is mindblowing that such a will could be written during a period when things were at least superficially cordial in the family. At least now DH is prepared for what is likely to follow his mother's death. And also this can act as a spur if MIL ever appears to want to try to make peace - you know what they are capable of now.

Sympathies to you - this must be an incredibly hurtful time for your DH particularly, and the fact there's nothing you can do about it just makes it worse.

derxa

It's an incredibly shitty thing to happen and even worse to see someone's final spiteful wishes in black and white. BUT, what if you were left any money? Would you honestly want a penny of it?

Oh I did miss that question. But there is a strong family resemblance between FIL and both the sons, so I'm not thinking that's a factor. I think it's just that dh had a mind of his own, and has very much made his own choices. Marrying me might have been part of the prob, I'm not rich or well-connected enough. Our kids go to state schools and we drive a knackered old car. We're happy with our choices, but I think sometimes our choices have been interpreted as criticism of PILs and BIL's choices. Which they aren't, of course, but there's no convincing some people.

what a horrible thing to find out. I have no experience of toxic families..my parents keep telling me they are leaving everything ( that that they cannot spend first) to the cats ! we all get along well.
But what i was struck by was the comment that you had hoped your dh might reconcile wiht his brother when mil dies. Do you think he would or could...? I ask from a position of having a very good relationship with my brother and so am often very enthusiastic for people to try and maintin or workout relationships with their siblings...possibly sometimes failing to understand how hard it could be.
However it would also mean your DC knowing their cousins...and after all none of the children are at fault here and it seems sad they will not have those family ties/relationships.
If your DH did want to reconcile with his brother i guess the only way would be to feign complete ignorance of the first will and rise above it ...and seem delighted for brothe and relieved maybe that he doesnt have to take on big house and land !

I come from an extended family that on the surface appears to be loving, supportive, communicative - all the good things - but underneath all that has been a nasty, complex mess in the older generations at least. (I happen to know about most of it only because I was either there or because I heard about it from people and, in many cases, put two and two together, found supporting information and so on....)

I'm torn between writing things down - because when I pop my clogs, large swathes of family history would otherwise go with me - or letting matters lie because one thing that older family members did was to divide their estates with precision and equity between obvious candidates such as children or, in the case of those without children, favourite charities. Their wills might not have been stirring but they were at least understandable to those left behind - and so past animosities can be largely smoothed over and things go on.

Wills are dreadful things in the way that they can perpetuate past problems.

(I'm interested to note, by the way, that your MIL doesn't seem to have used the contents of the will against your DH which I would have expected her to do, given what you've said. I suspect there's a tale and a half there.)

Is your DH continuing with his therapy? The problem here is not, of course, the will as such but more his relationship with his birth family. The fact that he is in such turmoil about the will is telling about the stage he's at in dealing with his feelings about them, I think.

The fact that he is in such turmoil about the will is telling about the stage he's at in dealing with his feelings about them, I think.

How do you mean? Intrigued now.

FWIW I think it's significant that he's felt able to find out the contents of the will at this point, possibly something about being able to face up to seeing in black and white quite how bad it is/was? I'm not surprised MIL hasn't said anything directly to him about it, because it's the kind of thing that could lead to a deal-breaking argument. MIL's MO is to keep everybody guessing, give little bits of information here and there, trying to keep everybody dancing around her in a narcissistic supply kind of way. Even if she had told him it wouldn't necessarily have been true - she's a 'How do you know she's lying - oh, her lips are moving' kind of person.

We did know in fact that BIL had been appointed executor but not dh - dh queried that at the time but got the brush-off, was made to feel he was being ridiculous and paranoid because obv BIL was better-qualified for the post than dh (BIL works in finance, dh definitely doesn't!). I guess he had enough lingering suspicions to make him think of looking up the original document.

Might be worth thinking ahead - would you go to the funeral? Would you help BIL clear out the house and sell it? (assuming BIL not wanting to live there?) Would you attempt a reconciliation with BIL after MIL has gone?

Might be worth thinking ahead - would you go to the funeral? Would you help BIL clear out the house and sell it? (assuming BIL not wanting to live there?) Would you attempt a reconciliation with BIL after MIL has gone?

All very good questions, and ones we don't know the answers to. At the moment we don't know what will happen when MIL dies. The way things are currently it is entirely possible that BIL wouldn't even let us know what was going on if that seemed imminent or even after it had happened, though it is likely that dh would find out from other extended family members that he is still in touch with. But we don't know. Dh's guess is that BIL will keep the house as a second home for his family. The will includes a non-binding clause that if BIL wants to sell, he is supposed to offer it to dh at full market price, which ILs must have been fully aware was so unfeasible for us as to be laughable. I certainly wouldn't want to go to any funeral, given the family penchant for dramas, but if dh wanted to go, then obv I would go along to support him if he wanted me to.

amazing that the content of the will was kept quiet . Since keeping it secret is obv important to mil and bil, how about publishing it in a local paper with a plea for info as to the background. Somebody knows something .

Are your ILs farmers?

Your DH is not alone. My Dad told me about eight years ago that he had disinherited me because 'I have enough money'. It's all going to my sister and her three kids, my DD and I will get nothing.

This is also the man who said my sister and her then stay at home DH had it harder with three kids, than me as a single parent having left a DV relationship.

Some people just like to cause division and fuck with your head. I can't take it too personally, because whatever I do it would never be good enough. Not surprisingly I'm NC with the lot of them, best decision of my life.

I think, as a PP says, this just underlines the sense of going NC. But it is just hideous. I'm so sorry.