Is my husband being unreasonable?

[123pippy]

Been married to my hubby for 17 years, have 2 children girl of 15 and boy of 13. Our marriage is again in tatters and falling apart.

Some history before I get to the point. I love my good honest hubby which is why I married him but have never felt passionate about him. 2 years into the marriage and due to a PC problem he found out that I had been in secret contact with a previous ex boyfriend who had broken me to bits. Hubby was surprised, disappointed and felt I was being deceptive and not happy about this secret so I agreed to drop it. 6 years later I ended up purely by accident having a 4 month emotional affair with another ex that this time I felt very passionate about. Two of my friends supported me and in a girly way told me that what I was doing was not wrong as no sex was involved and that I should enjoy life whilst I can. My hubby protested and insisted that this was infidelity even though no physical contact was made and we almost got to the point of divorce.

8 years later and now I have found a fantastic female friend who I feel extremely close to. I have known her for 2 years but since June with our mutual sharing of problems and girl to girl discussions our friendship has become so intense that we just adore being in other's company. We text, phone and more so, email each other and just can't wait to spend time together when it is feasible (an evening after work, a day off work or half a sunday) and fits in with our families' needs. There is no sexual contact between us, however, the mutual intensity has lead us to be extremely tactile in a non sexual way. ie. we have skin contact, strong huggings etc and we have agreed boundaries.

My husband tells me that he noticed my habits and behaviour changing dramatically and is surprised that I have to be checking my emails at every opportunity, although, the frequency has been falling for the last couple of weeks. Initially, he suspected that I was onto another emotional affair with a man which is not the case.

After, explaining the depth of my new very close friendship with this female he still cannot accept it and claims that its intensity together with the past issues, has wrecked the marriage.

What I want to know from other mums is this: Do I not have a right to have an intimate female friend that I love and adore and, do not want to share its privacy with my hubby? Is he being unreasonable? After a number of attempts to get him to understand that there are parts of my inner core that are not his business, he is has shut down.

H E L P..

Would love any views and advice.

So, in the words of Mrs Merton, what first attracted you to your financially self-sufficient, no need to work, husband if you feel no passion for him?

Where's Pippy gone?

I'm still around. Reflecting on the comments so far which share the same theme. I don't feel good and face the enormous challenge of sorting this out. Hubby, does not want me to leave but to stay and simply play the parenting role as he tells me he's been doing for years. He's adjusted to not having a marriage and he's asking me to do the same.

So the marriage is over. Just living together to joint parent the kids?

Well then maybe it's about time you sort yourself out because you kids are not far off being independent. In a few years you will find you have to support yourself. At least you got a few years notice.

If you're that unhappy in your marriage then leave him and get a full time job to support yourself. I doubt you will though, because I'm guessing you like his money much more then you like him.

I think at the very least you owe him that. But I suspect it won't heal the terrible injuries you have inflicted on your poor husband.

Emotional affairs can be as damaging as physical ones to a marriage but you don't seem to appreciate that. "Oh, it's only a friendship. A flirtation. No sexual infidelity." Well, that's not how it works.

I think it would be doing your husband a kindness to get the hell out and leave him in peace, so he can find someone faithful, constant, steadfast and kind. You clearly are not up to the job.

Good luck Pippy sounds like he has left your marriage ..very sad

I don't think Pippy was ever 'in' the marriage spudlike1.

Can you convince him that you want to save this marriage Pippy....or are you not bothered

Maybe this is the ticket you always wanted, an adjustment to your life style perhaps ..but the freedom to develop passions for whoever you please .

You "fell into" 2 emotional affairs, and now you are having an emotional affair with a woman, just because there's no sex involved, you want someone to come on here and tell you its fine to carry on as is, and its you dh that's in the wrong.
Frankly I feel sorry for your h, you do appear to have absolutely no respect for him, every issue he has highlighted with you IMO, he has been in the right.
You do appear to be a selfish person. There is no doubt you are strongly attracted to the latest emotional affair you appear to have yet again fallen into, but just because there's no sex involved you are trying ( without success here) to try and convince yourself and your dh you are doing no harm. Who the fuck do you think you're kidding.
Grow up and either let your h go and find an honest person who will treat him with respect or start putting him first, and treat him with the respect he deserves and several all ties with this female friend.
I have a feeling I know what you're going to do.

Hubby, does not want me to leave but to stay and simply play the parenting role as he tells me he's been doing for years. He's adjusted to not having a marriage and he's asking me to do the same

So he doesn't want you to leave, he doesn't want to leave, he wants you to play happy families?

You have an issue with playing happy families?

Well you've always done what you've always wanted to do anyway, so what's the problem? Is the problem that hubby no longer cares, but just wants you to play happy families?

Do you want to actually fix the marriage OP? If so I would cut off ALL TIES with this woman now and start working on fixing things with DH. Unless DH is a bully I think you'd be as well throwing yourself at his feet. If not, DH may find that comfort elsewhere and it may not be your choice to stay in the marriage.

Whether or not you want to fix the marriage from an emotional perspective, I would take some legal advice so you can understand your position and make any plans. If he plans on only keeping you around for the sake of the children, then you could be in this marriage for another four years, until your youngest goes to uni for example. Forewarned is forearmed.