Is my husband being unreasonable?

[123pippy]

Been married to my hubby for 17 years, have 2 children girl of 15 and boy of 13. Our marriage is again in tatters and falling apart.

Some history before I get to the point. I love my good honest hubby which is why I married him but have never felt passionate about him. 2 years into the marriage and due to a PC problem he found out that I had been in secret contact with a previous ex boyfriend who had broken me to bits. Hubby was surprised, disappointed and felt I was being deceptive and not happy about this secret so I agreed to drop it. 6 years later I ended up purely by accident having a 4 month emotional affair with another ex that this time I felt very passionate about. Two of my friends supported me and in a girly way told me that what I was doing was not wrong as no sex was involved and that I should enjoy life whilst I can. My hubby protested and insisted that this was infidelity even though no physical contact was made and we almost got to the point of divorce.

8 years later and now I have found a fantastic female friend who I feel extremely close to. I have known her for 2 years but since June with our mutual sharing of problems and girl to girl discussions our friendship has become so intense that we just adore being in other's company. We text, phone and more so, email each other and just can't wait to spend time together when it is feasible (an evening after work, a day off work or half a sunday) and fits in with our families' needs. There is no sexual contact between us, however, the mutual intensity has lead us to be extremely tactile in a non sexual way. ie. we have skin contact, strong huggings etc and we have agreed boundaries.

My husband tells me that he noticed my habits and behaviour changing dramatically and is surprised that I have to be checking my emails at every opportunity, although, the frequency has been falling for the last couple of weeks. Initially, he suspected that I was onto another emotional affair with a man which is not the case.

After, explaining the depth of my new very close friendship with this female he still cannot accept it and claims that its intensity together with the past issues, has wrecked the marriage.

What I want to know from other mums is this: Do I not have a right to have an intimate female friend that I love and adore and, do not want to share its privacy with my hubby? Is he being unreasonable? After a number of attempts to get him to understand that there are parts of my inner core that are not his business, he is has shut down.

H E L P..

Would love any views and advice.

You are very unreasonable. You are having an emotional affair and being horrendously unfair to your husband and children.

It's all very ME ME ME Me isn't it. You obviously don't give a damn about your husband or your children. I suggest you do the decent thing before leaving to live with your 'inner core' whatever the hell that is. Ugh.

Okay, well if you won't leave, you need to give up the affairs completely and ensure that you never start one again. You need to try and build something with your husband, both to stop you looking for passion elsewhere and to repair the damage. Hopefully your children will notice that you are trying, too, but they'll certainly notice if you succeed.

You can't have it both ways, they aren't compatible, so you have to choose. You have to lose someone. Your husband or your affair partners, both current and future.

It will be difficult, but it's a decision you need to make and follow through.

You may also want to consider some form of counselling or therapy to uncover why you have so much resentment for your husband. Do you see him as stopping you from having a family and pursuing your passionate relationships with other people? You say you love him but the rest of your posts reads like you can't stand him at all, they are boiling over with disdain and resentment.

Wow, you are frighteningly self-absorbed.

Your husband is right, you have no marriage. You're a serial cheat who actually doesn't give a shit. You truly believe you're entitled to behave however you like and your DH just has to take it.

You can't have a marriage and behave how you have. You've ruined it. Just let him go and meet someone worthy of him.

I'm not suprised your husband us pissed off. You have affair after affair and excuse it likes it's nothing. You lack passion for him so you find it elsewhere and each time you shit on him. Now you don't want to leave him you want to stay with him to have your comfy life and use him in a sense!

The other joke is the staying for the kids sake. They know exactly what you have done and it will be causing them more emotional damage having to live in this environment than if you split. Assuming it's your eldest's last year he will have enough on his plate.

Your kids are old enough to not need you all the time. You say you can't afford to run 2 houses but you only work 2 days for 'spending money'. So why can't you work full time and support yourself? Or you stay in house and H could get a flat.

I think you're too comfy with your lifestyle to leave. I feel sorry for your H. Do you not think he deserves to have someone who loves him the way you love your friend?

As I said in one of the duplicate threads, I think you married him because he was the safe option. And yet you still got back in contact with ex who broke you?! And then another ex whom must've been an ex for a reason.

I feel so sorry for your husband. He deserves better than this. He's probably staying with you because he's scared of losing his children. You obviously do want to separate, you've had emotional affairs in the past which are as damaging as physical ones. Normally nobody would question someone having a close friend. However, in this case your husband has every right to be suspicious as you have completely broken trust in your marriage. Do the decent thing and let him find someone who is worthy of him.

What are you wanting posters to say op ?

You have a cushy cost life

I'd have kicked you out years ago.

Oops decided not to post so didn't finish then posted by accident

I just wanted to say how lucky the op is to have such a cosy comfortable life presumably provided by her hard working husband ..hope she appreciates it

It's interesting that you had emotional affairs with ex-BFs, men who broke your spirit. But you won't invest in the very one who must still believe in who you are... he's still by your side and yet you look right past him. What are you looking for that you can't find in your own marriage?

Your poor husband deserves better.
You can't remain married, have 'accidental' emotional affairs and physical (non sexual) affairs with another woman, and expect your husband to put up with it. If you want all of that, then you have to leave.

Of course your marriage is in tatters - you have shredded it.

So you get the stability of a marriage, the perceived 'moral high ground' of staying with someone you don't really love 'for the sake of the children', the excitement of the emotional affairs and the enjoyment of a physical relationship which you obviously enjoy enough to have had to set 'agreed boundaries'. And instead of feeling guilty and agreeing to work on your marriage or take decisive action to finish it, you are insisting that you have the right to secrecy in your extra-marital relationships and that he should just suck it up because he isn't willing to instigate a separation.

And what does your husband get - you openly acknowledging that you have had emotional affairs and sharing the details of your latest one, never knowing when you might finally have an affair which turns physical, a painful awareness of the fact that he is not enough for you, the knowledge that he is unable to inspire the level of passion in you that at least three other people have over the course of your marriage.

It's not a particularly good deal for him is it?

Ouch 123pippy! Sometimes mumsneters' answers can be quite blunt and I guess hurtful. I can say that I did not have the emotional closeness with my ex. I felt lonely and desperately seeking some connection or closeness. I ended up having an emotional affair which eventually broke and left me heartbroken. It helped me to realise that I was deeply unhappy and I left my husband. I have since found someone with whom I never feel lonely. I also understand why I could never have really connected with him and why the 'trying to make it work' was much more damaging. Good luck

It sounds like you lurch from crush to crush and that you have an addictive personality.

You like the 'highs' of an intense, shortlived relationship - the endorphins etc, but you also want the stability of your marriage and your family.

You really can't have both I'm afraid.

I'm always surprised when people who have affairs of any kind act like it just happened to them and they had no active part or agency in making it happen. Having an emotional affair 'purely by accident', a friendship that has just 'become so intense' as if it's done that all by itself etc etc.

You don't have to stay in a relationship if you don't want to but for heaven's sake take a little personal responsibility. You are the master of your fate, you are the captain of your soul.

I hug my girlfriends, "boyfriends" too. My adult son too....

What's wrong with that?! We are living in a world that needs a whole lot more hugs!

Any guy in my life who had a problem with that I would tell him to fuck off ... says everything about him, nothing about me.

His problem was laid down in his youth. Not your problem basically.

iflyaway this isn't about hugs, though is it.

It's about the OP having Emotional Affors several times during her marriage. Which her husband is not happy with .

Personally I wish the OP would tell her husband to fuck off. It will definitely hurt him in the long term. In the short term, he will be better off.

But sounds like the OP is quite attached to her cushy lifestyle and is too selfish to leave her dh.

I would be devastated if my kids didn't trust me because of my behaviour. In 10 years time the OP will be baffled why her kids aren't close to her and seem to not be that bothered about her. By which point I can imagine the DH will have left too.

When you say 'help', what do you imagine that looks like, OP? Are you asking us for a 'how to calm your husband down' guide?

Assuming you're really searching for some perspective, I think you need to be honest with yourself as to why you got into this marriage and why you're still in it. Financial support? Do you think he still owes you a living for having his DC? It's good to challenge yourself on this now so you are prepared.

Time also to put yourself in DH's shoes and see how he feels. You're behaving vvv unreasonably and playing a risky game. You need to drop the 'victim of circumstance' line as it just makes you sound deluded. I speak from experience when I say nobody is just taken by surprise when it comes to an emotional affair. You had a choice then as you do now.

If the boot was on the other foot and your DH was behaving in the same manner with another woman you would be outraged.

I think you need to look at it from that point of view.

My Dh is my best friend, someone with whom I share everything. We have been together 19 years. Yes, there are things that I like that he doesn't get and I have friends who do and a son who is just starting to be old enough to love the books that I do. But I don't ringfence this off from Dh.

As a pp said, you lurch from crush to crush. Maybe you should be asking yourself why. What are you lacking day to day? What is the cost of your marriage to you? What are you sacrificing for it? Get to the bottom of that. Get counselling.

An affair does not have to be physical to be real. The point I suppose is that you are investing a great deal in your friendship that you should be investing in your marriage. That is what your husband should be able to trust.

You have surrounded yourself with friends who agree with you that so long as there's no sex involved it's not a real affair. But that's bullshit. You've crossed a line and need to acknowledge the hurt you are causing. Is he really controlling or just wants you to invest what you should be in the marriage?

To quote the Bard 'What a piece of work'. Please explain how you accidentally start emotional affairs.

I can certainly understand meeting someone innocently and discovering a connection as opposed to setting up a profile on Ashley Madison. There comes a point though, where an active choice is made and continues to be made. Trying to persuade everyone that it just happened to you without any conscious choice or agency and you're just a helpless passive victim of it is so utterly craven.