I don't know what to do next...

[SpinkleIsALovelyColour]

Apologies in advance this is likely to be long
Been with Dh for over 10yrs. My family in UK his are in a country I lived in for a long time and it's where we met/married
Money issues and poor job opportunities for me there meant I came back to UK a few months ago - ostensibly to earn some money to send back and eventually return but really hoping naively he'd follow and we'd settle here. But...it would mean him leaving his 2 DC (my step dc) Now I always said I'd never make him choose which is why I've lived abroad for so long going years without seeing own family and yet it turns out that making him choose is exactly what I'm doing. The kids are 18 and 16 so not exactly littlies anymore which is why I had hoped he may have said OK to coming over. But a huge part of me feels like a complete utter bitch for basically forcing his hand...me and our ds or stay for other dc
I know I should return but I'm so fearful of living a life of resentment.
I don't even know why I'm posting tbh. Just needed to have my words heard I guess and would be good to hear thoughts from people without a vested interest.

Have you asked him to relocate and, if so, has he said no?

What advantages can he gain by relocating to the UK and, aside from not being able to see his older dc as frequently, what are the disadvantages for him such as giving up a job he loves, having to build a new social circle, being away from elderly parents etc?

So what has he said?

Your op is a bit confusing bcs it sounds as if you're not really talking to one another - yet you've actually moved countries! That's huge! I don't understand how you can do something so huge and yet you're not really talking?? Where is your ds, with you or did he stay there? How old is your ds?

I don't know if I'm not getting it bcs it's late and I'm tired but your op isn't hanging together somehow.

Sorry I fell asleep...it's been a long week.
Communication is not dh and my strong point and I guess that's why this situation is as mad as it is.
I came over with our 10yr old. There was an amazing work contract which came up and I got with the thought of I'd stay with family for the duration (8months) and earn some much needed income and get to spend time with my family etc etc.
Dh knows I desperately want to be here. So much so that he says he knew I would choose to not come back after the 8 mnths (We're 3 months in now) But he won't commit anything to me about what he wants to do. The most he has said is "yes I've been looking at jobs...but what about dc" and basically the convo ends as he says things like "can we not do this now"
He has a good job there....reasonable career progression but nothing he would not have equivalent of here. Family wise...They're not close and he has a take them or leave them attitude so it's not that. Friends...nothing significant tbh. On the other hand my job role is significantly different with a far greater earning/growth potential here. It's a safer/more economically stable country hence my desires to be here reach further than "I like it here". Basically I don’t know if ibu to say "they're nearly adults ffs" or if I should stick to what I've always done "they're his kids..so we stay nearby".

But he's not giving you anything AT ALL one way or the other! If he won't talk about something so vast then, well... I'm lost for words. As is he by the sound of it - except he chooses that whereas I'm speechless. I am dumbfounded you haven't discussed this - in depth.

What do you want? You seem to be basing everything on what he wants; an ancient vow to yourself you wouldn't come between him and his kids, no matter what. It looks like you've paid a very high price for that vow.

Again, what do you want? I suppose there the issue of ds's education as well - does he want to go back or stay here?

Thanks for replying daffs.
I want to be here. I want my child to live in a safe inclusive environment with access to healthcare if and when we need it without it being financially crippling. To have access to tertiary education again at reasonable costs. I want to travel more easily and all of those things are possible if we stay here.
Equally I feel bound by that vow and I wonder if people think I'm awful for not sticking by it. I know that other people's opinion shouldn't matter but I'm in such a messed up headspace I can't see or think straight and consequently I'm relying on the thoughts of others to help me get those thoughts more ordered or to point out to me things I'd not considered.

Oh and forgot to say dd (did I say ds previously?) absolutely loves it here. She's in school and has said she is happy but misses her dad incredibly but in the large she wants to be here too.

I'm a bit of a leftie and feel strongly about education. My kids went to state schools and that's how I wanted it. But their father went to public school and as the kids got older he started to get very distressed the kids weren't getting a good education. As i'd had my way most of the way through their education, I realised I had to give him his say. To my horror, they went to public school. But it was only fair he had a say in what happened to their education.

And that's my own children! Your husband has had his way all this time. Your turn now. If it was only what you preferred you'd still have a say - as it is, it makes total sense financially and practically. Dd is happy and wants to stay. He's given 16-18 years to his older kids, time for his younger kid now. Oh, and his marriage. You've been stuck in that backwater all these years - for honourable reasons - but it's time for a new chapter now imo. Your hand was, anyway, forced re work. It may not be a good time for the 16yo but life isn't perfect - he's had a loving dad all these years which counts for a lot.

I'm still astounded you have moved countries without discussing it.

Don't mean to embarrass you though. Communication may be something you can work on together - courses, books, couples counseling? Are you both dismal at communication?

Seems like you've already decided to stay. What about work for you after the next five months? And will you stay till the end of the school year for your DS sake and not mess him about?

If you want to be in the UK, then stay. Did you plan to live your life for ever over there? How is your marriage anyway- is he coming to see you both at Christmas?

If you go back, how hard will it be to leave and take your DS with you? Legally, with him in school in the Uk, you can't be made to return and could stay married and just see your dh as and when. If you go back, you might find he files for divorce. And your DS will not be able to leave.

You need to be very careful about what you do. How old is your DS?

You both reiterate stuff I know. Dh wants his cake and to eat it too and I know I've been accommodating and too complacent in allowing a lot if it. He's generally not an arsehole although he has his moments (as do I)
I swing from certainty that I'm going to stay and then have a panic and wonder wtf I'm doing and how can I possibly contemplate staying.
Work for me here - I've already been offered a full time permanent role with a salary that would allow us to be OK with no top ups from benefits/child maintenance.
Our marriage is OK. We've been under a lot of financial pressure which has caused lots of resentment at times to the point that I was able to take a flight to the other side of the world so maybe we're not as OK as I thought we were. I've asked him to take leave from work over Xmas to come over and he has said he would. Nothing is booked yet. I am deeply embarrassed at our lack of communication. I knew we were bad at it but thought it was manageable...this has highlighted how completely dysfunctional we actually are. On the surface we're poster kids for the perfect marriage
Thanks for being a sounding board, I needed to hear from someone impartial and it has helped me order my thoughts somewhat. I don't know how to articulate it to dh though - also thanks for highlighting not leaving the country with dd. I hope he'd never block us and keep us abroad but I need to consider it. Dd has dual nationality. Ffs being an adult sucks

Yes, lavender is so right about being careful what you do next re dd. Is his country part of the Hague Convention? You need to find that out.

Other side of the world? Oh my.

Could he get work here? Same level as there. If you're both working and being paid well he could afford regular flights...

...OR you stay here for the next 8 years and he stays there. How would you be with that?

He absolutely would get same work level here in fact we'd have a better quality of life in terms of purchasing power. Thankfully yes, his country does sign into Hague convention and I don't have concerns about him kidnapping her. We're really not that bad but I've read too many stories of mum's (and some dad's) having to live abroad because a spouse won't allow the dc to leave their country of habitual residence.
Years without him... . I know I'm capable without him, I can get on with day to day life without him but I don't WANT to, I just want him here. And he wants me there. I'm going in circles aren't I?

No, you are BOTH 'going in circles'. Bcs you're not addressing it - together.

There's dd to consider in all this, mind. It's not just you two...

His kids have had the top slot all these years, meanwhile. Which is right, of course, but there's another child to consider now.

But it looks like he's going to smoke you out by not supporting, or engaging with, you on this so you give up and crawl back. Admittedly it makes sense for all his kids and his wife to be in the same country...

My advice, above, was crap re 'your turn now' - although there's a point to that (eg my ex and education) it's not about that, ultimately, bcs your child is involved; and by extension (though much less so bcs of their age) his kids. I'm just so confused by this, I must admit bcs of the lack of communication (sorry to go on about it).

I do get the sense he's waiting to see who'll give in first. I tried engaging with him again today and got shut down. He just keeps saying he misses us terribly and life is awful without us. If I try get any answer re next moves it's just "I don’t know".
I get your confusion - it is a massive step I know - but it was heavily financially driven, we'd missed a mortgage payment and there is no welfare support like here so we were worried about spiralling debt. The job came up and we pounced on a quick fix. It just opened a can if worms I guess.

I can see how it happened, then. But if you did go back you'd only end up in the same position ree missed mortgage payments.

Bringing dd with you does make the whole thing more weighty, though. I'm not saying you shouldn't have, just that it adds a lot more weight.

Could you get work closer to his country?

He is being selfish and shutting you down because he doesn't want to move. That's it. He's sitting it out and waiting for you to come running back.

I think you should stay right where you are. You've lived in his country for many years, you've made a big effort and it hasn't worked - you've been unhappy and had financial difficulties. Well now it's his turn to make an effort and try living in your country for while.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I'm sick of reading about selfish men.

You do seem to have been, both of you, living in a reactive way. But that's what lack of money does

Is there a way you (both) can start addressing being more proactive by making goals and plans for the future?

No chance of being closer. I've completely outed myself (so thankful I nc'd) so may as well say it's South Africa. Not lots of nice places between here and there

I'm much better at financial management than he. He just wants to give us our hearts desire hence blowing all the cash so yes I know it'd just happen again. Especially as he'd feel emasculated if I told him to hand over all control

"Not lots of nice places between here and there"
Well that's a silly thing to say, there are plenty of "nice" places, but presumably nowhere you'd want to live. Of course you want to be in your home country where you can get work and have family and friends. Living in the middle is not a good compromise, it's lose-lose because no one gets what they want!

Yes of course, I was being flippant and I'm sure there are many nice places - largely speaking however the continent is considered unstable and that's what I was infering - and I agree that a half way point is not a solution I think would work.

hence blowing all the cash

Erm - excuse me? That's a rather fundamental problem right there!

he'd feel emasculated if I told him to hand over all control

That may be cultural (tries to be understanding...) but it's not working: you're strapped, suffering, up shit creak, and have to move thousands of miles away to address his profligacy. Dragging your (his) kid with you.

Bloody hell, it's a mess. Or, rather, he's a mess - at least financially. Which is what got you in this bind in the first place.

Stay where you are. You lived there while his children were growing up, they're old enough to travel for visits now. If he misses you both so much he'll have to move.

I know. To be fair I buried my head too much. Had I not perhaps things wouldn't have got to this stage but that's just a road full of what - ifs that isn't worth the headspace right now.

We've got a lot of work to do. And big changes to the way we do it.

You only get one life. And so do your kids.

Sounds like it's all about him.....

As an LP I say you have to do what is best for your kids. So, where they can get the best education, you can work etc. for all of you...

I had to make this difficult decision too. Thank fuck I did! (Also multiple countries...).

That's all I can say and I wish you all the best.