broke off with unpleasent man....feeling v lonely and isolated

[feelingbitlonely]

It's been about three months sine I broke up with a horrid man. I am feeling really lonely and sad. I worry as whenever I feel like this it's usually when I let an unhealthy man in my life

Do you want to tell us a little more? In what way was this man horrid? What led to the break up? Do you have friends and/or family who can support you or at least distract you from negative thoughts?

He was controlling and manipulative and I put up with him for a year and a half as I was lonely. I don't have family around and I moved really far from my friends and tiny network.
My child spends fri to sun with his father every other week and this is also killing me even though I know it is healthy for my son to do this.

I used to spend every weekend and with my child with this man. I had to end it with him as he was getting worse and worse. I feel like someone is hammering inch by inch 6inch nails in my heart/chest. It's not that I want to be with him. It's because I am deeply lonely.

What about online dating?

Or your local city socializer? Google it

I met him on Match so I dare not go back there as he might me there and as he lied about me to his friends of awful I was they sided him. The did not see or were spoken to like I was by him. They might pose as someone on Match. I still get strange calls which are probably from his friends saying my name then they slam the phone down. I am going to change my no.
I like the sound of local city socializer.

Try Meetup. That's good for meeting new people. Not dating - usually just general socialising, but obviously really common to find a partner too.

Maybe you could sign up the Freedom Programme and join a club or take up a hobby. I don't think online dating would be a good idea at the moment until you either get stronger or learn a bit more about red flags.

Well done for breaking up with him. Sorry you're lonely. I am often lonely too - I'm doing some volunteering which helps. How about helping in a charity shop every other Saturday? I do that and enjoy it - people are friendly and if you're on the till its nice to chat to customers. Or maybe a Saturday morning children's club or lunch centre for the elderly? (Depending on your interests ). I also joined a walking meetup group - you can just dip in and out so doesn't have to be every week and most walks are on a weekend and are followed by a pub lunch or a coffee so you get to chat to people more.
for you, I know how hard it is.

You're in a transition period: the time in between leaving a relationship that consumed you, and finding a whole new set of people to hang out with. You'll get there, but that transition period is lonely, so I understand your feelings. Especially when you're still reeling from the emotional turmoil of a break-up from a manipulator.

Definitely change your phone number if you are being harassed. Think of it as step 1 towards the whole new you, the one who's going to acquire new and healthier people in her life!

Meetup is good, as is any class or hobby that gets you regularly seeing the same people over time, so you can build a relationship with them that is solid and meaningful. Conservation volunteering, language classes, a cycling club... anything that puts you at peer level and engaging with others is good! Bonus if it's a physical activity, for extra endorphins.

You will get there and you'll be fine.

I joined a local running club but no one turns up including the trainer. I go for runs on my own and exercise does lift me.
Thank you for your suggestions they are all really helpful. I feel I have moved too far for my comfort zone. Been here for 3 months and want to sell and move closer back in town.
I will try meet up.
I feel better when busy around people or just going out as it takes my mind off my one and only child when at fathers'.
I agree on online dating as I would just let another creep in as I am shaken by last one.
I worry that if I do meet people I will just flake and tell them too much and scare them off. I do want to laugh and have some fun too.
It's Fri night. My child has just left with it's father and I won't see my child until 5.30 sun. I just am in tears. I need to pull myself together

where abouts are you ? try meet up it is fab . Have tried so many things with my group off to club excerise in a bit .. never a quite moment x

What are your plans for the weekend?

I am meeting a male friend to see two exhibitions but it's with him as I don't want to be lonely. We are friends but rarely meet. I was secretly so relieved not to be lonely. I did not tell him this.

Sunday I have nothing planned but I can't wait to scoop up my toddler and hold him when he gets back. This sounds mad but I just want to smell his hair and head and not let go of him and my heart thumps with happiness when I see him. Is this being over emotional? I know he's happy to see me and for me to hold him close.
I feel in pieces.

I used to find the kids going to their dad's really hard - to the point I always dropped them off bcs then I could go on and do something and ease myself into my empty house. My kids are grown now but I never got used to them going, tho I did learn to enjoy my free weekends eventually.

Any did you more so far away from your support network - is it possible to move back?

Do the Freedom Programme (look on their site to find a course near you). You will meet other (normal, lovely!) women who have all experienced abusive relationships, which will help you with the trauma we all experience after an abusive relationship. And you may make some friends, too.

I don't think it sounds mad at all.

I think one thing you should do this weekend is make an Action Plan against future loneliness. Make two lists - one for small, inexpensive tasks (including treats as well as chores) and one a list of 'big' things such as volunteering or joining a club that will give you commitments around which to fill your time. E.g. if you join a walking group that will probably take a big chunk of one of your weekend days. I liked the earlier suggestion of volunteering with a parent-and-child group as that's something you can keep up on both weekends.

When you're down you've got to do things before you actually feel like doing them.

Thank you.

I tried to wear myself out last night watching mindless tv which helped. I woke up at 6am after a good sleep in ages and it helped that I fell asleep by 10pm.
I did miss my child this morning and I now feel a bit sad for my child at it's Dad's a second time tonight and that is only 3 still. This is new for him too.

I have to put that to one side.

I really like the idea of volunteering but not where there will be children as I will miss my 3 yr old. I did work as a non paid carer for an elderly relative last year who was extremely unpleasant most of the time so I feel best to stay away from that scenario.

I am going to work part time if possible at a charity shop more towards Central London so that going into town to work will also give me the chance of going out to a museum or galleries whilst there. I am going to look into this today or later in the week.

I do need back up plans.

I can't describe the feeling of having no family or close friends to talk to and also being in a totally new area with no one to talk to. I really feel like moving back to the area I was where there were more people around me and I felt I fitted in more. I moved to this area as I thought I needed a house when in fact after my divorce I now look at all my personal belongings and they look like they belong to someone else. I am not that down trodden verbally, emotionally and physically abused doormat anymore. I am weekly giving masses of items to charity shops and want a simply life that is easy to maintain.

I don't mind my child's things but I personally have changed so much. I'm tired. I just want some simple happiness and a good network of healthy people to do it with.

When I feel really lonely I just feel I am sitting in a dark empty tomb that's cold with not a pinhole of light. It's just awful.

Sorry for long thread and it being so early.

Loneliness is unpleasant, and we often seem to think that a need for company and connection reflects badly on us. We don't apply the same judgement when we are hungry and need to eat or when we are cold and need to put a jumper on.

It really sounds to me as though you're at a point of needing something different (e.g. the belongings, wanting to reach out to more people rather than fewer etc). And that's ok.

That charity shop work wounds good.

Don't beat yourself up. It sounds as if that man has dealt more than a few blows to your confidence and self-esteem so I'm not surprised you're feeling low - relax a lttle if you can try to do that and watch some bad movies/read some novels etc. Look on it as a little like an illness that you managed to (just) escape the worst of - you're now in the recovery phase and it may take a good few months.

Well done for leaving him by the way. That mist have taken most of your remaining strength. Amd Yes - change your number. Those stupid calls sound hateful.

You're doing better than you think.

Well done for getting rid of two bad bets, by the way you refer to your divorce too.

It does sound like you are massively affected by their treatment of you at the moment. Is counselling (as well as Freedom programme) a possibility for you on your weekends off?

It sounds like you're in suburban London, so I'm sure there's another running club that's better that you could join. How about taking up cycling, if you like fitness?

Meet up is good, but I think you're absolutely right to stay away from dating for a while.

I did meet up with a friend a had not seen in a while and went to the Pop art exhibition at the Tate. It was a nice day. My friend likes to drink, I don't but I did to numb myself from missing my child. My friend asked if I wanted to go home with him but I did not and went home feeling guilt that I had drank 4 Whiskeys and coke.
My friend was cool with me not feeling like seeing him and was sweet but I need to be so aware of myself.
I don't want casual sex or actually a boyfriend, just good honest freindships.
There was always a controlling man who I would please and neglect any freinds for.
I always had nice things that I ashamed to admit would take my mind off from investing in good times with friends and building good healthy networks.
I knew why I did this for the last 2 decades as my mother would not let me have any friends

I was not allowed to talk to anyone from school after it finished at 3pm. If I did have a friend my mother would make fun of me and ut me down and say to my friends "why do you want to be with her she's useless and dumb and a horrible person.

My friends, well people i attempted normal freindships with thought this was weird and so never really wanted to come over or meet up with me. I kept myself to myself but in going to university I found it easy to make friends but v hard to keep them. I have had a huge turnover of people I have met but never lasting and I don't want to live like that anymore.

Nice things were easier for me to deal with but that's nt what I want or ever did want. I was protecting myself from people hurting me like my mother did. She was daily verbally abusive and physically as was my Dad, brother and sister.

It wasn't a happy home life. I remember crying a lot in private and then only once I thumped my bedroom wall with my hands so they hurt so much so I would not have to think about my family. I was eight. I wanted God to suck the life out of me. I cried more as I realised needed my hands to write and work hard at school so I could escape from my nightmare life at home. I did not do that again. I was 8 but felt 108.

I feel use by my family in that all my life until 18 when I thank God I went to university was cleaning, cooking, shopping, dictated in food, clothing, music freinds. Even my part time sat and thurs night job I had from age 16 to 18 my mother demanded my wages. On my last ever wage I put my foot down so I could buy some trendy at the time Indie style/ grunge clothes for my new life/exisitence at uni. My mother went bananas, called my a slut a whore every disgusting thing she could throw at me and a trouble maker. I was defiant and stood up to her and did not return a single item.
It hurts as when I wore my new identity/clothes I felt so happy and free and I also received a lot of male attention. It hurt as even though I did not sleep around and did not even have my first taste of alcohol until years later the words my mother threw at me for me buying my own choice of clothes with my own earnt money affected me.
I never wore clothes to trap people, I wore wear them as I love them. I am scared of people. I am scared to have good friends good relationships as they might turn on me like my family always did and still do.
I choose men who are like my family members.
I want to make it clear here that I am nothing like my mother is was to me as I am to my beloved child.
I hurt everyday inside at how will I be able to explain what my family did are to me? I don't want to pass that pain that I carry every second of my life like life sentence to my beautiful, beautiful child.

I'm feeling very sad for the terrible childhood you endured. I suppose ( I am not qualified to advise) you might benefit from some form of therapy, something to enable you to turn your back on the past,and give you courage to seize a better future.
I hope you can meet some nice new people, who will enrich your life.