When is enough, enough??

[Hastag0417]

Hi, I am so unhappy and fed up in my marriage but don't know how to get out of it for financial and children reasons.
We don't have anything in common. I don't love him anymore but I don't know how to get out. Will my children be ok?? I'm only here for them.
I e read a number of posts on here tonight and I am in the same situation as them. My husband treats me like shit. No other word for it. I get very little help in the house, there's no affection, we don't share a bed. If I ever take issue with how he talks to me, it's me being over sensitive. If I say I want to leave he sneers "you won't go" and I don't cos I have 2 wonderful kids that I don't want to upset. I have no where to go and my financial situation isn't great although he earns a lot. Would my children hate me if I left him??
Any advice would be good. All I care about are my sons feelings.

I'm sorry you are living like this

Think about the practical things of leaving. Do you have help and support, do you have your own money, can you find some where near to DC school to rent for now?

You may need to start a six month plan and play nice. He sounds awful

Thanks for your reply. I would have support from my brother and step father but I'm scared to make the move. I'm so sad my sons will come from a broken home but I really don't know how much more I can take living like this.
There is no empathy, compliments or affection and I don't believe he loves me anymore but equally wants to stay together for the kids.
If I stand up to him he tells me it's my hormones again. "Oh yeah let's see how long this lasts probably the time of the month"
If I say it's cos he's being horrible, I'm called a twat/arsehole. If he apologises I'm told that's it now, move on.
It's only his name on the mortgage but I paid the deposit will I have any claim to this house. I don't really care but I don't want my boys to suffer.

please be strong, hugs

You're married. At least 50% of the house is yours. More if the children are young.

You could book a free half hour with a family lawyer regarding divorce. Just to see how the land lies. And you may be entitled to some benefits as a single mum.
And he would hopefully share care for the children on weekends or every other.
I am single because my husband had an affair. Life is much easier and simpler without him! And yes there's the odd hiccup but my children are thriving.

Your husband is abusive. Do you really want your children to grow up thinking your husband's abusuve behaviour is reasonable?
I am single & live with my daughter. I guess this is a 'broken home' then?
We do what we want when we want. We don't walk on eggshells. We respect each other. We laugh. We play. She sees her dad still. She has two loving parents who couldn't be together and are a million times happier apart.

Thank you, my boys are 2 and 7. I sometimes pray he will have an affair and that will give me a good enough excuse to go. I'm scared to go because he always says its me and my hormones. He makes me feel as though in nuts but it's his attitude. He's so miserable all the time and makes life unbearable. Tonight has been the final straw, him calling me an arsehole. I know exactly what will happen in the morning. He'll come in the bedroom and cheerily say "morning" as though it should all be forgotten. If I refuse to acknowledge him it'll quickly change to "oh fuck off then" and he'll storm off to work. Same story every week.

Robotgirl I do believe me and my boys would be happier away in the long run but I don't know how we would survive financially and how to take that first step.

I'm not saying it's your hormones. But in order to prove him wrong, why don't you get a period tracker app, over a few months you will see your cycle emerge. I use one called monthpal
And then use a symbol in it for every time he says it's your hormones.

I'm betting he says it at every point of your cycle. If you tracked it and proved to YOURSELF he is being an arse would that make you feel better and stronger.

Could he be having an affair which is making him strike at you? This happened to me when stbxh was having an affair. If he could come up with a reason I was a horrid person, he would.
He never did this before the affair.

Take the advice from heisinfuriating ^
You & your kids deserve more - get some legal advice.
You'll suffer more if you stay with this man. He called you an arsehole! Sounds like it will only get worse.
Good luck, OP.
PS You only get one life. Is this how you want it to be?

Oh it's worse alright, he's called me terrible things in the past and I already no it's not my hormones. It's anytime I stand up to him. He makes anyone who comes round feel uncomfortable with his digs. Deep down I know I need to leave. I have terrible dreams at night that involve his behaviour and me getting away one way or another. My problem is I am part time. I earn £650 a moth, how can I cover rent, bills, food and everything else on that. He on the other hand gets £3000 a month and moans when I ask for £1000 for bills and food for the month. It's the 7 year old that worries me it will break his heart.

Look at what tax credits you'd get, what benefits. He would be expected to pay child support also.

Children adapt. Better now while they're young than later when they've learned to treat you like a skivvy and with disrespect like their dad.

You can do it. You still work which is great. You'd get tax credits, the child benefit, his maintenance (is he employed or self employed? He can't escape paying maintenance) and there will be a negotiation over the assets and value of the house. And as primary care giver you probably get to STAY in your house. Unless he's a total arse and makes you leave. It's not a case of making you but depends on his ability to be clear and level headed and put his children first.

If he won't leave, you make him sell in order to give you your share of the asset. If it gets really bad then the court makes this happen
As part of the divorce.

You need to keep a split amicable because lawyers are expensive. But amicable doesn't mean you get shafted. It means you both play fair and the law protects you (both. But we don't give a shit about him)

Thank you, really appreciate advice. I've looked at the tax credits I could get and if it's correct I'll be better off than I am now!! Spoke to brother who is going to put me and the kids up. I need to find the balls to carry this through as I know in the long term I'll be much happier.

"I sometimes pray he will have an affair and that will give me a good enough excuse to go."

You already have a very good reason to go - he's an arsehole who makes you desperately unhappy. You and your children will be happier if you leave.

Hope you feel better today Hastag
Chin up and have a strong day

An expression someone used on here a while ago is "it's better to come from a broken home than to stay living in one". Make no mistake, a family where one parent sneers at and belittles the other is already thoroughly broken. It's really not good for children to see that.

A broken home in one where the parents despise each other and model a disfunctional relationship as normal. Not one where the parents live separately and co parent in a clear and planned way.

Hast please stop worrying about what he says to you. I know it's really hard but he is not your friend so why would you listen? You know your hormones are not making him vile. He just is! Go and see a solicitor to get the low down on what the outcome of divorce would be. That way you will feel more confident as you actually know instead of wondering. Wondering about this and wondering about why he does it and when it is going to stop, is going to make you more ill and stressed. Knowledge is power. Start to see what falls out of his mouth is tripe and you are on your way to a better future. You need to do it one step at a time and see it that way or it's overwhelming. A good solicitor will put you straight and sort it so you are not on the breadline. For your own mental health and of the DCs, please make the first step.

Its not you, its him and he is doing all the usual behaviours associated with emotionally abusive men right down to the projecting as well. No man including him is above the law here.

You have more than good enough reason to get him out of your day to day lives already.

Seek legal advice asap and make firm plans to leave him; knowledge after all is power!.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning currently from the two of you?.

Staying for the children is never a good idea, its a terrible burden to place on a child. They certainly won't say "thanks mum" for staying within this at all and if you did will perhaps even despise you because in their eyes you put this man before them. They could well learn from their dad that his abuse of you is something they could do as well in their future relationships. You do not want to teach them either that a loveless marriage is their "norm".

My parents stayed together 'for the children' until I was 11. They argued, and were unpleasant to one another throughout my childhood. I remember thinking at a very early age 'please split up'
Me and exP broke up when our daughter was 17 months old. I couldn't bear to bring her up in an environment of animosity and misery after what I'd been through.
Life is good.
Financially, we're ok. I work PT, get tax credits, some housing benefit & maintenance from exP.
The best bit is not having that constant 'knot' in your stomach when you know it's wrong but you're scared of the unknown. OP, I wish you a happy future. It'll be hard for a while if you do decide to leave but nothing like the ongoing misery of staying and tolerating his abuse.

Thank you, it's all great advice. I've made an appointment with a family lawyer for next week so I should know more where I stand them.
I'm off to put my name in a council waiting list. I got a call from my husband earlier asking if I was ok and I told him no I'm not and we can't carry on like this and he said "you really need to change" I nearly fell off my chair. Apparently, he's only miserable because I flair up at him and go off on one. I told him I flair up when I've had weeks of grunts and negative comments to the point of breaking and when I challenge back its me that's in the wrong.

So tonight we had the chat and surprise surprise it ended with me going off to bed. Everything that he does is because I talk to him wrong and I'm so blind and arrogant.

Keep strong and good luck with that appointment.

Do you know your family finance background and are you able to get copies?

If you can't sleep and hear him snoring... Go snooping.
You want payslips, bank statements and mortgage paperwork. Pension paperwork. saving accounts?
Is there any debt?
You need to copy everything and copy it before mentioning divorce or lawyer.
Go slow and go strong.

Hastag - although it's difficult, don't change your behaviour towards your H at the moment. Don't give him cause to get suspicious. He's an abuser and if he suspects you of leaving, the gloves will well and truly come off. You need to present him with a fait accompli when you are ready to leave.

When a non-abusive relationship ends, it's best if both parties can keep clear lines of communication open and talk honestly and respectfully. That does not and will never happen when a relationship is abusive. If you try to behave in a truly transparent, above-board fashion it will be used against you.

You need to have full knowledge of all your joint finances, to have taken copies of any documents you need to safeguard you and your DC's financial settlement, to have arranged somewhere to live, and to have put all these things in motion before you tell your H you're leaving.

And in the case of an abuser, a Dear John letter is perfectly acceptable rather than the face-to-face courtesy you'd normally expect.

Good luck.