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Original poster

I don't know what to do...

32 replies

Tomtom89 · 23/09/2015 13:55

Hey my names Tom and I'm expecting my second child in mid March 2016 only there's a problem, me and the mother decided to have a child together as we were extremely happy and were planning a future together so it just seemed right for both of us. We both have children from previous relationships (I have a 5 year old boy her a 3 year old girl) I obviously don't live with my child but I have him as much as possible and get on with his mother fine where as her daughters father apparently left after his daughter was only 3 weeks old and has since been married someone else and left the country. She was worried about me accepting her daughter at first but I have and I love her like she's my own and would never treat her differently to my son. So once she was pregnant she completely changed and was distant, unaffectionate, irritable and got mad whatever I did whether it was good or bad. She's now 15 weeks pregnant and I haven't seen her for nearly 7 weeks as having me there "stresses her out to much" and she doesn't want her daughter to pick up on her unhappiness etc. we still spoke via text until a few days ago where she basically said that she doesn't want to be with me anymore even though I haven't done anything wrong and am trying to support her in every way possible. She only changed her mind to saying well maybe we can see how I feel after the baby is born once I said I wanted to come get all my stuff from her flat and the money she owed me.
There's a lot more to write down so ask questions or i'lol add stuff in when I have more time but have I been used to get her pregnant? Or does this just happen sometimes and I need to be patient? I'm currently giving her space but I'm in bits as I want a family with her like we planned. Please help??

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 23/09/2015 14:19

Is it just pregnancy hormones? If it is she can't just up and leave. Is there something you're missing out here?

loveyoutothemoon · 23/09/2015 14:20

Are you patient with her?

Original poster
Tomtom89 · 23/09/2015 15:12

We weren't officially living together but when she moved into her new place I probably only stayed at home maybe twice a week at the most, the idea was to save to buy a house. She has just stopped wanting to see me and has said i should stop asking to see her until she wants to see me, so I was quite patient for a while but then it started really getting me down as I was missing her and her daughter and I wasn't involved in the pregnancy at all, I don't even know how much she's showing etc. It came to a head at the end of last week and the start of this week because I did get a bit moody and had a bit of a dig at her and said she shouldn't be doing this and why does she think this is right? And she replied by saying she's trying to want to see me and she knows it's not right but she's just happier when I'm not around??. I am giving her space at the moment after we nearly just broke up on Monday and she backtracked after I said I wanted my stuff etc. is it just hormones or have I been taken for a mug and now I'm just a sperm diner?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomtom89 · 23/09/2015 15:17

Doner*

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MakeItACider · 23/09/2015 15:18

Hmmm, I hate to say it, but I think you might have hit the nail on the head, she saw you as a sperm donor, especially as she has seen that you are responsible with your DS and (I'm assuming) paying maintenance etc.

goddessofsmallthings · 23/09/2015 15:40

I'm inclined to agree with Cider.

How long did you know her before she became pg, were you living together, and how much money does she owe you?

niceupthedance · 23/09/2015 15:47

Is she definitely pregnant?

Original poster
Tomtom89 · 23/09/2015 16:11

Yeah she is because I was at the dating scan. Is there any way I can prove that she's used me? Or anything I can do about it? I had known her around a year and like I said we basically we're living together but not officially but we were saving for a house and our relationship was great.
She probably owes me well over a grand and I have given her certain things for her flat like a fridge freezer, sockets, expensive lights(I'm an electrician) I also took her and her daughter to nice places and always got her nice things. I currently pay for the Internet in her flat too. I'm nothing but good to her and thought I'd met the 'one' which I now know doesn't exist. She's admitted herself I haven't done anything wrong and don't deserve this. I love her and her daughter to bits and thought I was finally getting the family I wanted.

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cantmakeme · 23/09/2015 16:22

I don't know about the sperm donor thing.

Sounds like she was feeling crowded and stressed with you there, as she said. As a single parent I would imagine that she is used to living alone. Are you the more affectionate of the two of you? Maybe she needs a bit more space. Of course you want to spend time with her (esp. when expecting a baby) but perhaps you demanded her time? Made your company an obligation rather than a pleasure?

Pregnancy hormones can make us feel odd, anyway. Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Tomtom89 · 23/09/2015 16:53

Yeah that's basically what she's said. It just been her and her daughter since the dad left and she is a very independent woman which I love about her and she's never introduced her daughter to another man in her life until me.
Yeah I am the more affectionate of the two of us. Maybe your right I did maybe expect to be there a lot and we did end up not doing much just the two of us on a night (date night) I would just come home from work all grubby and we would sit and watch tele together a lot but not really get to go out and we got sort of comfortable if that's what you mean? I'm giving her space at the moment and just text before I go to bed saying I hope they are all ok and I'm thinking of them. It's horrible??.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomtom89 · 23/09/2015 16:54

It's horrible(sad)*

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ShutUpLegs · 23/09/2015 17:08

Or she has gone into a panic, thinking that you might do what her previous partner did. She may be trying to force you to leave so that it gets it over with. Its perverse behaviour but she may almost be trying to prompt the worse case scenario.

All you can do is to keep talking to her - tell her what you want for you all as a family and reassure her that you are sticking around (I am taking you at your word that this IS what you want and you want to make that commitment and keep it). Tell her that you hurt. Try to keep the conversation open for her to give you an honest response back.

Just keep trying. All the best...

Original poster
Tomtom89 · 23/09/2015 17:28

Yeah she might think that which I understand but I'm not going anywhere I love her and her daughter and want to be a family. I'm never going to leave her if that's what she wants she will have to do it herself because I'm not like her ex, I want to care for my family and support them and see my children every day not just on a weekend etc. I will keep trying, thanks.

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Cabrinha · 23/09/2015 18:06

Well, she might have just used you.

Or genuinely liked you and the pregnancy has made her think about you all living together and she's realised that's not what she wants - which is shit on you, but certainly more of a risk when you start a family quickly and don't even live together.

But if it is a wobble that can be fixed, it sure as hell won't be fixed by you demanding your stuff back and money back.

So if you still think there's a chance, I'd hold off on those demands for a bit.

But I think it's fair to tell her you can't be pushed out in indefinitely whilst she's deciding, and if she won't come to counselling with you, I'd assume she is interested enough.

For the things like light fittings... I'd write that off and consider it a contribution to your child's home, whoever is living there.

DisillusionedGoat · 23/09/2015 18:42

I know many things get blamed on pregnancy hormones, I think that it would be more likely to lead to someone wanting reassurance/togetherness rather than breaking up a relationship/distance. Unless the relationship was not that satisfying.

I think, in your position I would get my stuff back and state that I will be there to support my child regardless, then back right off. I would make sure that I leave the ball in her court. But consider the relationship at an end.

Sometimes people change their minds.

Cabrinha · 23/09/2015 18:45

The things he lists as his appear to be sockets and expensive light fittings. I don't think he should force his way in to remove them. I think give freely or not at all.
And for the greater good - relationship with the mother and managing coparenting - it's just not a good idea to be talking to her about sockets.

Original poster
Tomtom89 · 23/09/2015 20:25

The relationship was great before the pregnancy and like I said this was planned so if she had doubts why would she have wanted this?
I'm not sure whether it's a mixture of what her daughters dad did and trust issues combined with hormones and maybe even testing me to see if I would ever think of doing what he did? Which I wouldn't dream of doing, I want us to be a family.

OP posts:
donajimena · 23/09/2015 22:37

I'm sorry you are going through this. You can blame hormones or she is used to being single or using you.. it could be one of these definitely.. or she just might not feel the same way about you any more? Don't push for the stuff you are 'owed' put it down to experience. I'd cancel the wi fi too (if contract permits). You must accept that there is a strong chance this relationship is over.

Original poster
Tomtom89 · 24/09/2015 09:37

Well at the moment I'm torn between giving her more money as I know she's struggling or not giving her anymore because of the way she's being with me and maybe teaching her she's better off with me around as we're still not speaking and I haven't seen her for 7 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomtom89 · 24/09/2015 11:37

Any advice, positive or not is appreciated btw. I just don't know what's best?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 24/09/2015 11:51

Bloody hell.
You think the way to win her back is to "teach her" that she's better off with you around to buy things? Hmm

You haven't seen her for 7 weeks, it's over.

You need to tell her that you accept now that it's over.
You need to work out a FAIR contribution to your baby - which may not be the CMS amount and assure her that you'll pay it from birth.
Tell her what you want that is reasonable - like being informed of the birth. Set out the contact you'd like, briefly, but acknowledge that it won't start that way immediately.

Personally I would not after my sockets back Hmm - give freely or not at all.

Do not give her any more money now until the maintenance starts.

Original poster
Tomtom89 · 24/09/2015 13:07

Sorry I maybe worded that wrong I just want her to know I'm here for her and will always be here for her and I want to help bring our child up and make life as easy as possible for her.
You believe there's no way on earth we can fix this and it's more than just hormones?
I won't take anything back.

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Cabrinha · 24/09/2015 14:18

I'm always a bit Hmm about people saying "hormones" if I'm honest.
Really, she wouldn't want to see you for 7 weeks because she had an increase in progesterone?

She seems to have been fairly clear?

And you've not known each other long and weren't even living together, so it's not like you had a long relationship and she's just gone funny out of the blue.

I think you can ask her to get back together - but only once. Behave as a decent ex partner and coparent and if she made a mistake she may say that later. At which point you may have moved on. But based on what you've said here, sorry - I don't think this is "hormones".

Cabrinha · 24/09/2015 14:19

The best thing you can do (well - in my opinion!) is say what you've just said to her - that you'll there for her. But take control also, and tell her that you don't want it to be over but you accept that it is. But don't be afraid to make your ongoing needs clear too - contact with your child.

Original poster
Tomtom89 · 24/09/2015 14:59

She's was fine until she got pregnant, we had a bit of a blip before she was pregnant but nothing bad and then when she did get pregnant it was like someone had flicked a switch in her head and she's been horrible and then doesn't want to see means has asked for space.
I just don't understand how someone who has been a single mum for 3 years and the struggle that comes with that just drops me when they are pregnant with my child when I'm extremely good to her and pride myself on being a good boyfriend and treating her exceptionally well and she can see me and her daughter have bonded and I would be happy for her to call me dad (which she has a few times) could just discard me like nothing! Is it not a little strange?

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