Is he a secret gambler...?

[mulranna]

Ages ago I spotted something on the home computer about betting - mentioned it to DH - he said it was probably a pop-up - nothing to do with him and he had nt clicked on it.

Left it at that.

Today in history I see "links" (?) to 8 different online betting sites from last night when he was logged on the lap top - there is no logo against each just the name of the site and an icon which looks like a blank page with the corner turned down.....

He has just given up alcohol (again) as he has a recurrent drink problem that he was hiding from me by secret binge drinking when I went to bed at night.

I have just called him to ask what he is hiding - he has an issue with transparency which we are working thru in couples counselling - he says he does not know what I am talking about - I have not told him what I have found - i want him to be open. I also found soft porn but not really bothered by that.

Anyone know what the icon means ? I just dont believe that 8 different sites would pop up...what do I do now...?

or are they pops - ups that came up just as he logged on to watch sport - doesnt look to be any time between the betting link and the match watched...am i being paranoid and jumping to conclusions?

How good is he on computers - and what browser are you using? Is it Google Chrome by any chance? Those would't be 'pop-ups' as far as I know.

I'm afraid that fairly significant links have been identified between gambling addiction and substance abuse. This is one article but I'm sure that you or other posters will be able to find more information on that.

How do you know that he gave up alcohol by the way? And do you have access to online bank or cc accounts? (You may have joint accounts.) If so, have you gone over them with a fine tooth comb recently? (Online gambling wouldn't be free so something would be paying for it.)

Yes google chrome.

He says he is now dry - that is all I have to go on, but I tend to believe him.

Though I am worried that he has swapped one addiction for another.

I have just been googling the icon - hard to understand the gobble de gook from my search - but now understand it is just a standard link.

He has loads of credit cards - supposedly to manage our overdraft.....

It sounds like he has replaced one addictive behaviour with simply another.

Do you think that he is an alcoholic?.

Using credit cards to manage the overdraft is financial disaster as well. You need to fully determine the full financial picture.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he still meeting here?.

When I called I would nt tell him what I had found (I rumbled the secret binge drinking and an affair earlier this year) - I just told him I had found something and he needs to come clean - the transparency is more important to me at this point than the gambling - if thats what he is doing - as honesty is what we are working on in CC.

I am really devastated.

Do you tend to believe him because its somehow easier to do so?.

His recurrent drinking, the porn, the online gambling; what are your actual dealbreakers here?. Do you think that joint counselling is now actually a waste of time because he could well bamboozle the counsellor as well?.

Jesus.

Do you have kids or a mortgage with him? If not then get out.

I've met a few people like this. They lurch from one fckup to another. They never change. Get out FFS!

Transparency does not sound to be his biggest problem. Solvency probably is.

Even if you do not have either children or a joint mortgage I would be planning my exit from him.

I think he is more than adept at lying to his own self so lying to you is second nature. Such people do not fundamentally change.

Oh. There are all sorts of possibilities and you really need someone who is good on Chrome to explain to you. (I'm a FireFox gal.) I'd temporarily ignore those and go to basics though.

You're married to a secretive alcoholic who has acknowledged issues with transparency and you just took his word for it? They hide things - all the time.

I'd be asking to see all of his online cc and bank accounts as a matter of openness. ( After establishing which ones he had - I'm sure you wouldn't mind him seeing yours at any time.) In the circumstances, I think you're justified in doing that even though he might rail about the issue of privacy. (Which would be interesting in itself.)

Who has the overdraft and mortgage account? Have you checked those recently?

Yes he is an alcoholic (both of his parents are) - he wont use that terminology just admits he is a "problem drinker".

Thought we were getting thru stuff. Every time I look around it appears that my life is not what I thought it was - it is all secrets and lies and deception.

Normally I push for an answer and then reveal what I have found - but this just leaves me exhausted and wound up as he NEVER confesses to anything - even when caught red-handed. This time I just said I have found stuff - tell me all about it - he keeps saying "what? dont know what you are talking about". This time I just asked him twice and gave him an ultimatum - dont come back home unless you fess up to everything and then hung up. He hasnt called back.

Ooh hang on everyone. I watch porn and pop ups defo come up for betting sites when I do, and leave a print on the history. It's very annoying and happens if moving from one video to the next. Porn hub is a bugger for it, it seems to be sponsored by bet365, so their ads are always popping up. This is just my personal experience but wanted to share just in case this is what's happened to him too. It like opens up another window, so it is possible that he might not notice.

I think your relationship ship has long sailed if he had an affair and is now hiding other stuff.

How is it that he had affair, you're still with him and he has huge amounts of credit cards that you don't know if he's using?

The basics are not good though, plonkie. (And by the way, OP, that article which I linked to also makes reference to 'sexual compulsivity'. You posted after I did so I didn't see your reference to the affair.)

I am sorry Mulranna but I think you thought wrongly. You're nowhere near working though stuff because he is refusing to be co-operative and will likely never co-operate. This man cannot even be honest about calling his own self an alcoholic. Your life is still based around his framework of secrets, deception and lies. He's lying about everything and the state of the finances may well now be a parlous one.

You cannot rescue or save him but you can certainly save your own self here from further misery at his hands.

I asked you what you got out of this relationship now; you did not answer that question likely because you do not know yourself. That says an awful lot.

...it is all secrets and lies and deception...

Do you have DCs?

You need to secure your/their own position directly - and I mean right away: this afternoon.

Yes we have kids and mortgage + overdraft together.

I only have his word that he is now dry - not sure what more I can do there apart form set traps?

I challenged on the single gambling link a few months ago - he said it was a pop-up. This time there were multiple links - but all within a minute of each other - so dont understand what he could have done in that time frame.

How do I get evidence of the gambling?

Ask to see his CCs statements. That's it. All online gambling is via CCs.

Its nothing my H would object too.

Do you really need any more evidence than what you have already seen?. His silence now speaks volumes. He's done more than enough emotional harm to you all as it is.

Even with evidence he'd likely still deny and try and deceive you to save his own sorry skin. What's the point?.

What do you think your children are learning from you both about relationships here?. I will tell you straight; a lot of damaging lessons.

I have 2 daughters in GCSE and A level year - I will need to keep it together for the next 8 months.

I will need to get to grips with our accounts to see if anything is going on - and then I will need to take control.

This would be the deal breaker for me - but not necessarily right now on account of our daughters education.

The affair he finished when rumbled, the drinking he finished when rumbled - my gut is telling me that those two issues are finished - I have been vigilent - but appreciate that if someone is hell bent on deception then I could have missed it.

If the gambling is real then we are over.

mulranna

Multiple browser windows. (It's what you do when your screen might be quickly overseen by someone - among other things.)

But as Attila said, do you need any more evidence? I would be asking to have access to all cc accounts immediately. I'd also this afternoon be making enquiries about the state of the mortgage account and any others to which you have immediate access. For the kids' sake if not for your own.

They are likely all too aware that their parents marriage is really crumbling around them along with wondering why you are still together at all.

You cannot anyway fully protect them from the realities of his actions towards you as a family.

Holding it together simply for their sake for the next 8 or so months is a terrible burden to actually place on them; doing that just gives them and you another several months of uncertainty and mistrust. Doing this for their education is therefore not a good enough reason. They are not going to say "thanks mum" either for doing that to them. Exams after all can be retaken, are the school aware. If not they should be.

He has called back and admitted to the porn - as I said up thread I personally dont have an issue with it as it was soft porn and I respect his privacy to masturbate.

He is flatly denying knowledge of the online gambling links. He has given me passwords to his credit cards for me to check thru online statements and I will do that now.

cozietoesie what do you mean.....

Multiple browser windows. (It's what you do when your screen might be quickly overseen by someone - among other things.)

Attila - the kids are currently aware that we have all been thru hell (we separated for 6 weeks at the time) and are currently working things through.

Things have got better over time. School was involved (and supportive) earlier in the year after the fall out of the affair and drinking - and they will be again if my suspicions are correct.

You asked how you could get web links so closely timed together mulranna, that's all.

How do you know he's given you the passwords to all his ccs? (You said he had a lot.) And have you confirmed your situation on the mortgage account?

By the way - have you asked him to detail why he needs so many ccs? My finances are under control and I have one cc. One.

cozietoesie - thanks for the response I understand now - that clarifies the links all logged at the same time.

Looking at the links in browsing history again - there is just one single reference to each separate betting page - whereas for everything else in history there is a log of every single page - so for mumsnet there is the login page, talk page, relationship page etc etc ie multiple references.

He has just called and his explanation is that he was watching a hooky EU football feed for a match last night (he was, I was next to him) and loads of pop ups for gambling sites come up and then these show in history even if you dont open them.