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Original poster

ExP lies/exaggerates/misleads 8 year old daughter. Am I right to put her straight?

51 replies

Changeschangechangeagain · 22/09/2015 21:59

My ExP makes out he's a great dad and mostly subtly but sometimes blatantly runs me down as a mother.

The latest event concerns when she was a baby. I did virtually everything. He had to be forced to help although he would act like superdad if we had friends or family around.

He has told her about an activity that he did once with her yet he gave her the impression it was something he regularly did and that I never did.

I told her the truth as it was just too untrue for me to let it go and I didn't really give myself time to consider the best response.

I hope she sees through his lies but I worry she doesn't. I don't really know how to respond to his comments.

OP posts:
lotsoffunandgames · 22/09/2015 22:05

This is difficult. Every kids looks up to their parents and thinks the best about them. Is it so bad if she does think well of him? Obviously if he is running you down then correct her but otherwise let it be. As she grows up she will see through it.

Original poster
Changeschangechangeagain · 22/09/2015 22:08

The activity was my sole responsibility, was something he was against initially, i completely researched, equipped and trained in.

It was totally mine and he had no interest in being involved except the one occasion when he insisted he do it. I couldn't leave him to do it alone as he had no idea, wouldn't read the instructions and kept interrupting me. I ended up finishing off and then cleaning up everything anyway. He never did it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changeschangechangeagain · 22/09/2015 22:15

It is just too much of an untruth.

I let most things go but I'm not sure if I should.

I know she loves him but I worry she won't see through his lies.

I didn't until recently. I still believed he was a decent person and even though his actions show he clearly isn't, I wanted to believe our life together was good and real.

OP posts:
SitsOnFence · 22/09/2015 22:22

On the positive side, it sounds like you are well rid of him.

However I'd urge you to consider to let your DD go on believing he's the loving father he says he is. It's in her best interest to believe he gives a shit, even if he clearly doesn't. I can't imagine how tough it must be to let something like this go, but it's simply not in your DD's best interests to point out his shortcomings. If she is secure in the knowledge of your love for her (which it sounds like she is), let it go and let her be secure in the knowledge of her father's love for her too.

SitsOnFence · 22/09/2015 22:23

I worry she won't see through his lies

Maybe she'd be happier if she didn't?

Original poster
Changeschangechangeagain · 22/09/2015 22:31

Definitely well rid. Although sadly enough, I still love him...

My daughter also tells lies about silly things.

I think she doesn't want to get in trouble but I'm more upset by the lies than what she lies about.

He's really not a good role model.

I think he actually believes what he's saying. He goes mental went I call him out on his lies when he's slipped up and been caught out.

I try to hold back but I find it hard not to react sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changeschangechangeagain · 22/09/2015 22:33

I worry she won't see through his lies

Maybe she'd be happier if she didn't?

But when his lies are negative towards me?

OP posts:
SitsOnFence · 22/09/2015 22:40

If they're actively negative towards you then either she'll see through them herself or you need to tell her your side (i.e.. the truth!) but in such a way that avoids actively criticising her Dad. Eg. " No, I never left you alone in the car at the supermarket, maybe Daddy confused it with something else"

We've had this with DSS's mother ("Daddy didn't want to see you", to explain a 9 month period where she stopped contact, for example) so I know how bloody hard it is to find the words to explain something without shouting "your Mum/Dad is a big fat liar!" It really is in their best interests though.

Original poster
Changeschangechangeagain · 22/09/2015 22:41

I want her to have a good relationship with him, he loves her, she loves him.

He's got a lot better at being a dad now we are separate and he sees her for a limited amount of time each week.

I just don't want him badmouthing me. I don't run him down to her. I feel like I'm letting him walk all over me by not defending myself. He really is the bad guy that messed up. It's like he's trying to make me look bad to make himself look better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changeschangechangeagain · 22/09/2015 22:46

it's hard to prevent the initial reaction.

I can't seem to control what comes out of my mouth if it's especially irritating.

He seems to be rewriting our entire relationship and believing what he's saying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changeschangechangeagain · 22/09/2015 22:49

I need to simmer down a bit so will be back tomorrow. It's helping to actually write it down here but I'm getting a bit worked up and I need to sleep soon.

OP posts:
wickedwaterwitch · 22/09/2015 22:51

You should leave it Imo

Don't rubbish him to her, it's just cheap point scoring

Who cares if he says he did x nice thing?

SitsOnFence · 22/09/2015 22:54

It's a cliche, but the best way to hurt him is to live your life well and be happy. Much, much easier said than done, especially if you still love him Sad In the meantime, fake that smile and fake being unaffected by his silly childish antics. He is beneath you. If you have to correct things he's told your DD, try a lighthearted "oh silly Daddy, no it was..." tone. I'll bet he's getting a perverse sort of kick out of the idea that his lies are upsetting you. Don't let him get to you! (Again, easier said than done...)

SitsOnFence · 22/09/2015 22:55

Hope you get a good night's sleep Changes

Original poster
Changeschangechangeagain · 22/09/2015 23:08

Thanks. Yes, he does seem to get a kick out of upsetting me.

Night.

OP posts:
lotsoffunandgames · 22/09/2015 23:17

Perhaps try calmly talking to your ex.say how you feel and that you don't say anything negative to her about him. And why does he do it?

As for dd lying. You just have to explain how important it is to tell the truth and the whole trust/respect thing. There are loads of stories to get your point across.my dc's will tell me the truth about something and say that as they told the truth I can't be cross! Cheeky bugger! It certainly makes me think.
Just because she is lying now, it doesn't mean she will end up like your ex.

WombOfOnesOwn · 22/09/2015 23:23

Good lord, I can't believe all the advice here that basically says you're obligated to stick up for your ex when he lies. What happens when he does something to mistreat her but she thinks you think he's a good dad?

All this about preserving their relationship is crap. HE is the one who is harming their relationship by telling lies that you now have the choice of correcting or not.

It's supposedly sooooo very important for children to think the world of their father, but the children of divorce I know who grew up with the WORST relationships with their dads are the ones who were lied to like these posters are telling you to lie. These are kids who grew up thinking the moon rose and set in their father's behind, then found out as preteens and teenagers that their dads were unreliable, irresponsible, and even abusive. Your daughter will eventually be able to judge this man according to how he is. Why do you want her to be shocked and surprised?

The idea that every child deserves a fairy-tale father is true--but not all of us GET fairy-tale fathers, and it's unrealistic for your daughter to expect truthfulness out of this man. The higher he rises in her estimation, the harder he falls. What's the "good" scenario here, potentially, according to the other posters? That she never figures it out and he gets to continue lying forever, so that she gradually idealizes him and is alienated from you? What a crock!

There's also this: men who twist the truth often show their ability to have lies believed, in front of their children, before abusing those same children--who now believe no one will believe them, since they've seen him lie so easily before and be believed.

MatrixReloaded · 23/09/2015 01:15

I see no harm in stating that dad is mistaken.

TendonQueen · 23/09/2015 02:01

Having just read the thread about parental alienation, I would be very wary about letting her think he is great when he isn't. That's not to say you should be slagging him off, of course, but I wouldn't hold back on correcting lies, even if they detract from the image of himself he wants to project. She will still love him, but she won't be deceived about him and so able to be told more serious lies about you later. And I think it matters that they are identified as lies, not mistakes.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 23/09/2015 02:38

I'm not going to go into details because it's different circs, but in my case, it was my mother who manipulated the truth and my father who let it go.

Even though I could 'see' my mother was wrong, it wasn't until my late 20s that my dad ever said anything and I didn't really 'get it' until my early 30s.

I would have preferred it if it had been exposed much earlier. I still question things that happened in my childhood/feel uncomfortable about the deceit/received conflicting information I don't really know how to interpret and angry that I was lied to and no one thought to put me straight.

Now I look back, there were things my grandma said that alluded to it, and some of my dad's behaviours make more sense... but I feel guilty that i believed her and angry that things could have been different.

My advice would be to tell your daughter the truth without slagging her dad off.

So, when she says "daddy told me he took me to music babies when I was little" you can say, "oh well he did take you once. I think you really enjoyed daddy going with you because I took you every week when he was at work and it sounds like he enjoyed it too." "Daddy said he took me every week" "no sweetheart. He couldn't have done, he was at work" etc but also don't let her think she misunderstood or she'll grow up not trusting her own judgement.

goddessofsmallthings · 23/09/2015 02:45

Exactly and absolutely what Womb has said.

We begin a dialogue with our dc on the day they're born and, as we are responsible for imbuing them with moral values that will outlast us, there is nothing to be gained from not being honest with them using age-appropriate terminology.

There's no shortage of films/plays/soaps/books* that can be used to teach our dc that lying may bring short term gain but rarely pays in the long run, and we can also use news items and incidents in their/our daily lives to get them expressing their thoughts about how it feels to tell lies and to be lied to.

It isn't about brainwashing our dc into believing one doctrine over another; it's about encouraging them to understand that actions have consequences so that they can make informed choices as to how they conduct their lives.

When discussing the real or perceived shortcomings of others it's wise to admit to some of our own so that dc can begin to comprehend the nuances of emotion which enables us to love or like someone while deploring, or being disapproving of, their behaviour and so that we can teach them the importance of forgiving themselves as well as others.

Your 8yo dd has recently emerged from the age of magical thinking, OP, and while she remains in the process of discerning what is real from what is imaginary it's up to you to discern what may be a lie, or what may simply be wishful thinking on her part.

Now that your dd's formative years are over, the challenge is to build on them so that she becomes a confident young woman who can talk to you about anything and everything secure in the knowledge that, while you may not always agree with her views, you will always hear her out and agree to differ if you cannot reach an immediate accord.

1WayOrAnother · 23/09/2015 02:45

I think it's important you remain low expressed emotion about your ex. Tell her whichever facts you think she needs to know, but don't get into point scoring or nastiness. Remain calm and dispassionate about him when you discuss him with her, its important she knows you won't fly off the handle if there is ever something she wants to discuss with you.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/09/2015 02:45

I'm with Tendon (just read that thread also, so sad). You don't have to slag him off, simply correct 'mistakes in his memory'. In the current example say "Oh Daddy must have forgotten that he did that with you only once." You don't have to say you did it with her all the time unless she asks, nor say he's a big fat liar. It's unlikely she'll run back to him and say 'Mummy says you only did XXX with me once!", it's probably something she'll completely forget about.

Unless he says that he did 'everything' for her and you did nothing when she was a baby and used this activity as an example, then he wasn't actively running you down (in this instance), he was just taking credit where no credit is due. And so, you simply correct his 'poor memory'. If it's getting down to him actually undermining you or telling her that you are a bad mother, then you may need to take more decisive action.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 23/09/2015 02:50

Also, by 8 she will have encountered children at school who lie to make themselves look good in a situation and it will annoy her. If she's anything like my 9 yo anyway!

So talk to her about telling the truth, why people lie in this way and be neutrally factual about it. (Hint: people do it because they wish they had done it and so by saying it, it becomes the truth for them; people do it because they want the person they are saying it to to like them more/think better of them; and sone people do it because they're just not very nice people and don't care that they're lying - because that's true)

Don't say which of those her dad is, that is where her experience will fill in the blanks. But don't let her continue to believe her dad's lies. She is a person and deserves to understand her own life.

Baconyum · 23/09/2015 02:53

From personal experience do not back up/let go his lies.

I mistakenly thought I was doing the right thing in not being at all critical of my ex until there was a crisis when dd was 9.

The result when she realised he was lying, not a good dad, hadn't been a good husband was she was shocked, confused, angry at both of us and also worried that I was angry with her for believing him to be and 'going on about what a great dad he is' (her words).

Be gentle yes, don't be nasty of course but DEFINITELY be honest.