Advice

[Yammers]

Hi There I do not know if this is the correct section to post this in but just need some advice and help and hope there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

I have been with my wife for 5 years together 3 Married x2 and I think I am on the brink of loosing her.

I was crap at the birth of our 1st daughter i kept going home to sleep i was so scared I would loose them both due to complications and after that struggled to bond with my daughter which I did recover from.

Its a case that I have not tried hard enough to fight for her over the last 4 years, an issue my brother caused drove a bit of a wedge and caused alot of damage. it took me some time but i have now cut my brother out of my life for good maybe a little to late.

I have not been a very good dad to my eldest daughter particular I love both my girls equal. but I know I can do better and I know I can do all the things that I should have been doing that i was doing in the beginning., I did not stop trying because I did not love my kids and her, I just took her for granted got lazy, plenty of people were giving me hints i just took it at nagging at me so i switched off. Now she does not know if she loves me the way she use to so we are on the dreaded trial seperation with a difference. I sleep down stairs on the sofa she stays upstairs in the bedroom, we still talk etc and are friend we are keeping it normal for the kids as it did start to affect them a little bit.

I am willing to fight with everything that I have to win her back whilst trying to stay strong for the girls. She has been fighting for the last for years and she has no fight left she just fells numb. and she has had bad anxiety. Yes she is also to blame for some issue but no one is at fault here i take full responsibility.

She has asked for some time to think and get he head around things but i am fighting and she keeps taking defeatist. I don't want to loose the kids or her and I do not want to become a weekend DAD. they are my world and life.

She has said I cant give her a good enough reason to stay again or have one final chance, I say because I love you but she says still not a good enough reason. I am now doing maybe a little to late the things i used to like run her a bath leave her nice notes give her a kiss cuddle before bed and in the morning. as I did use to do all of this. I just stopped. I want to fix it and stay with the love of my life until I die. but i know if its over its over, I don't want anyone else she is my soul mate.

I properly seem like a complete twatt but i buried my head in the sand I hope its not too late. has anyone gone through anything similar.

I know she does not need me she can be with out me, but I need her she completes me.

Report your post and ask for it to be moved to relationships, you'll get much more advice there.

Hi folks. We're going to move this thread over to Relationships in a moment.

You don't complete her, unfortunately. "I love you" is not enough, she's right, and she's reached the end of her tether. She's not being defeatist, she's defeated. If she's asked for time you should give it to her, not badger her.

Concentrate on how to work out being good, separated coparents rather than try to win back someone who doesn't want you.

I suggest that you give her the space she needs or it will definitely be too late.

Unfortunately it may be too late anyway. How can she trust that if she tries again that you will continue to be attentive? You switched off before, how can she be sure you won't again?

I think you need to focus on making sure your relationship with your children is strong. Good luck.

I personally feel that the only hope you have is to fully articulate all the things you know you've been lacking on before, fully articulate how you realise how this has broken/belittled/denigrated her. Express that you know you can't ever change what happened or make it up to her and that all you can do is apologise from the bottom of your heart and be the partner she deserves and that you should have been from the start.

Don't ever expect what you can be from now on to be enough to repair what you did/didn't do. Just hope she'll give you the chance to be the best you can be from now on.

If she doesn't, that's her choice and if you live her you'll want the best for her, even if that's not you.

It sounds like over time your words and actions have communicated to your wife that you don't care about her. Now she believes you.

What was the issue with your brother ?

I've sent you a pm.

The issue here is that she is not sure what she wants or how she feels at the moment she just feels numb she fought for us when I was at my lowest i have to return the gesture even if it ends in us splitting. I wont know till i try and yes I will give her some space but I am going to fight her family have in no unequivocal terms have warned me its my last chance with them but the decision is hers and yes we are working on the girls they are the focal point for us at the moment. I know she will find it hard to believe anything that I say but actions peak louder than words. She has not said she does not want me yet lol.

You can only give her time. Be a good dad and a caring husband but don't smother her or push her to make decisions.

When my exh wanted me back and started making an effort it was too late and also I didn't trust him.

Realistically, I think it's too late. You may say all of this now, but there's no guarantee that you wouldn't revert to your old behaviour if she took you back. She may have got to the point where doesn't even care if you do change.

You've got nothing to lose by laying your cards on the table and asking for another chance. But would you be able to fulfil your promises to change?

That's where the crux of the matter lies.

My story is exactly the same, only I'm the wife. My DH has tried hard to make amends for letting us all down so badly, but I remain angry and don't know that I can ever truly forgive him for turning what should have been a wonderful time in our lives into a crap time. We get along fine most of the time now that he has made significant changes to his behaviour, then one minor thing (whether it's him or his friends that have pissed me off) will set me right back to square one and I end up gazing longingly at the divorce papers I've had written up, knowing all it takes is one signature and it's all done. It's very hard to come back from that.

Do you know wholeheartedly that you want to make these changes because that's the person you want to be, or is it really just to keep her on side - this is very important. You have to be honest with yourself here, because if it's the latter you might as well save both of your time and energy and let her move on.

If your desire to change is driven by a genuine motive to be better, then I can only agree with others at this stage, don't smother her but try to show her you are making the changes needed.

Have you considered couples counselling? This is something that I'm currently thinking about, I have no idea if it will help.

I have mentioned counciling but she does not want any of it, yes she is angry with me for not doing enough sooner does not want to give me any false hope.promises she just asked for time and space. were gonna get to christmass and see where we are. I don't want to loose her but I don't just want to be friends either.

did you get back with you ex in the end or not bother

Sadly it sounds like you've lost her through being a poor partner and letting her down for too long. I doubt she will trust in your epiphany after that

I would suggest your work on yourself.
Get some individual counselling to find out why you behaved so badly (no idea what you did but it must have been pretty bad)
Give her space. Ask her if she really needs that space. You say you are hugging her etc.... Make sure this is what SHE wants you to do.
If it was me I would want you to back off to give me some proper space to make a decision.
Could you move in with a family member or a friend for a couple of weeks to properly give her space.
She can't make a decision with you in her space all the time.
It could be that absence makes the heart grow fonder but maybe not.
Make sure you do what she asks of you.

Be honest with yourself - if someone spent 4 years treating you like shit, how would you feel?

I agree with others that your best bet is to concentrate on your relationship with your daughters so that you can start being a good parent no matter whether you're with your wife or not. If you can build that up now then you'd have a good shot at getting 50/50 residence in the event of a split. (Plus of course it is enormously beneficial to any child to have two engaged parents instead of one who isn't really interested.)

Shaking my head over your behaviour at the birth of DD1. You went home to sleep while your wife was in a difficult labour? TBH I would have bounced your arse out the door the minute I got home.

Thanks Pocket Saviour I know i am not bad person never ment for any of this to happen i just got lazy and took her for granted if i ever get that repreive i will not do this again and i swear on my kids lives to that fact. I know i can never make up for the lst 4 years they have been good and tuff but what I know i can do is be a bigger and better person than i am today and i would spend the rest of my life showing them all how special they are.

It all sounds too little too late. What use is a repreive? It won't benefit her, she's already done the hard shit and now you finally want to step up to the plate. You want her to give you another chance because it will benefit you, not because you are good for her. She has already proved to herself that she can manage without you.

You could actually he my dh!! He did exactly the same. I felt numb to and defensive. I put up a massive brick wall because I was sick of getting let down. It's took a hell of a lot of work from him as I point blank refused to help as I'd being trying for the last 3 years with him. He requested 3 months to show me he could change and if he didn't then he would accept my choice to divorce him. My advice is words mean nothing! You need to show her you can and have changed and don't let it slide. Good luck.

Thank you getuda at least i know there is a slim possibility it can be fixed on the olden days if it was broke you fixed it people today are to hasty to throw things away. and to bodly go. I understand where your coming from, and yes I was good for her in the beginning and i know i can be good for her again. i am not thinking of me here i am thinking fighting for my marriage for the sake of my kids. I don't believe in broken homes but i am not stupid enough to realise that yes i may have left it to late. I would like one final chance to prove to not only myself but to her family and my kids that i can not only be a good dad but a good husband as well. Its my choice to fight, but in a sense I am dammed if I don't and dammed if I do. I have nothing more to loose cause in a sense I may have lost everything.

Yes I do want to make these changes I was attentive before I know I can be like that again and if i got the chance i would never stop this time round, marridge is not easy it has to be worked at all the time and I took my eye off the ball. But I do no this if she moves on with someone else then that is fine, as I do not want anyone else for me she was and still is the one.

"I took my eye off the ball"

for four years, while she gave birth to and did almost all the work in bringing up two children?

It sounds like she has given you plenty of chances, so as others have said just give her space. What more advice do you want?

I can't help noticing the number of times you talk about fighting for your wife. A good relationship shouldn't be a constant battle, although obviously everyone has difficult times. It us also clear that your posts are all about you and how you feel. It's as though you believe that, if you agree you acted badly your wife is duty bound to forget how she's been treated and move on. That is not how it works I'm afraid.

people today are to hasty to throw things away

You say you don't blame your wife then you write that. Blaming her.

You don't believe in broken homes but you broke it yourself.

You need to completely own just how shitty your behaviour has been, and how it has affected her. Four years is a long time for her to be doing everything while you've been sitting on your arse. How would you feel?

Give her some space, but maybe write her a letter telling her how you feel, and ask for a reply? If she does reply, read it carefully and try to see her point of view.

No, I don't think people did work harder in the "olden days".
I think too many people were stuck for financial and cultural reasons in godawful relationships.

You talk a lot of quite grand and (to me) aggressive sounding talk.

It's all fight fight fight...

And you think running a bath is the thing to do?

Firstly, have you actually ASKED her what she'd like you to differently? I wouldn't give a flying fuck about someone running me a bath.

Of course, you can't put it all on her to tell you, and you may have just killed it all. Four years is a lot of shit.

Carry on with the good stuff, do more, ask more, apologise, don't have the attitude that she's just not trying like in the olden days and ask her again about counselling. Even counselling on your own may help.