Advice

[Yammers]

Hi There I do not know if this is the correct section to post this in but just need some advice and help and hope there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

I have been with my wife for 5 years together 3 Married x2 and I think I am on the brink of loosing her.

I was crap at the birth of our 1st daughter i kept going home to sleep i was so scared I would loose them both due to complications and after that struggled to bond with my daughter which I did recover from.

Its a case that I have not tried hard enough to fight for her over the last 4 years, an issue my brother caused drove a bit of a wedge and caused alot of damage. it took me some time but i have now cut my brother out of my life for good maybe a little to late.

I have not been a very good dad to my eldest daughter particular I love both my girls equal. but I know I can do better and I know I can do all the things that I should have been doing that i was doing in the beginning., I did not stop trying because I did not love my kids and her, I just took her for granted got lazy, plenty of people were giving me hints i just took it at nagging at me so i switched off. Now she does not know if she loves me the way she use to so we are on the dreaded trial seperation with a difference. I sleep down stairs on the sofa she stays upstairs in the bedroom, we still talk etc and are friend we are keeping it normal for the kids as it did start to affect them a little bit.

I am willing to fight with everything that I have to win her back whilst trying to stay strong for the girls. She has been fighting for the last for years and she has no fight left she just fells numb. and she has had bad anxiety. Yes she is also to blame for some issue but no one is at fault here i take full responsibility.

She has asked for some time to think and get he head around things but i am fighting and she keeps taking defeatist. I don't want to loose the kids or her and I do not want to become a weekend DAD. they are my world and life.

She has said I cant give her a good enough reason to stay again or have one final chance, I say because I love you but she says still not a good enough reason. I am now doing maybe a little to late the things i used to like run her a bath leave her nice notes give her a kiss cuddle before bed and in the morning. as I did use to do all of this. I just stopped. I want to fix it and stay with the love of my life until I die. but i know if its over its over, I don't want anyone else she is my soul mate.

I properly seem like a complete twatt but i buried my head in the sand I hope its not too late. has anyone gone through anything similar.

I know she does not need me she can be with out me, but I need her she completes me.

Oh and if you use all the fight / reprieve / nothing more to lose type drama llama language with her, it probably just all sounds a bit false.
I know that's harsh - but your posts just sound very me me me and grandiose. Having a man say "I am going to fight for you" would just put me right off, it sounds like there is nothing behind it.

OP, you asked up thread if I'm still with DH. Yes, for now. He was "only" shitty for 18months-2years and wasn't constantly shitty during that time and was an absolute legend at the birth of my children, so you can't really compare.

If you thought your behaviour was fine at the time, what is it about you that has changed? Or is it just the threat of her leaving you that's made you want to change?

I want to change my ways cause I used to do all that stuff for her I just stopped for no reason layness what so ever. I do see it from her point of view that I have hurt her and if she would let me back in I realy do mean it when I say I would never let her down again. what we have built so far is not worth throwing away. she does not have to give me another chance I admit that I dont deserve it. in the long term if she is happier without me then i will have to let her go. yes I have made mistakes in the past but she has always stood by me and i want to retun the favour, I am only human non of us are perfect i know i can do better for my kids and to try and keep this family unit that we have together.

Your posts contain a lot of cliches and platitudes and not a lot of genuine insight

You do sound like you just want to reprieve her for a few months.

What are you proposing to actually do?

Fight?

What does that even mean?

Treat her with respect show her that I love her instead of telling her do romantic things for her like i used to and be a better farther and be there for her, support her and stand up for my kids and her and I bed your pardon I do not want reprieve for a few months I will never stop doing this if i got another chance because i will always know how close i came to loosing her. but I am preparing myself for the worst. But if I do loose her I will only have myself to blame. and I wil have to live with that.

But what does 'treating with respect' mean to you? Specifically?

What are you actually going to do consistently to show you are not lazy?

Talk is cheap

It really shouldn't be the prospect of losing someone which prompts you to treat them with respect. It should be a basic premise of any relationship. The fact that you admit it was sheer laziness which led you to behave so badly is maybe the worst part - and if I were your wife I couldn't trust that you wouldn't do it again.

You talk as if you had a good, loving relationship which has recently gone wrong and which you want to restore. Sorry but that's bullshit.

You've been with her for 5 years and by your own admission you've treated her badly for 4 of those years. Fact is you've not bothered for almost all of the time you've been together. There's nothing to get back as it was never there in the first place. Sorry, I know that's harsh, but it's also true.

All I can do is try as i have nothing to loose as I am dammed if I dont and I am dammed if I do. I know actions speak louder than words and that is what I am going to try and do.

thank you all for listening.

In order for your wife to want to continue the marriage she would need to see serious genuine change in your character. Running baths and giving hugs doesn't demonstrate change, it's simply a shallow gesture that doesn't really mean anything.

You must have known for a long time that your wife was desperately unhappy. It seems you didn't do anything about this until your wife's unhappiness started to affect you, i.e. you become scared of losing her. On some level your declaration of fighting for your marriage has probably confirmed to your wife that it's all about you.

No one is perfect, we all screw up occasionally. Your wife is probably no angel either.However it sounds like you've persistently neglected your wife for a very long time. It's not enough to say you were lazy or you took your eye off the ball. Being lazy explains why dishes don't get washed, it doesn't explain years of neglect. Your wife will not accept that as an explanation, and neither would I.

Somewhere along the line you gave yourself permission to behave like that. You really need to be honest and explore what it is about you, that thought this was ok. You either need to be fully committed to doing the necessary work to repair things, or acknowledge your wife is right and your marriage is over.

It's a mistake to think you can repair the marriage with talk of fighting and shallow gestures. The hard work starts with you, and it requires serious honesty and self examination. In your shoes I would arrange some counselling urgently for yourself. There's a reason you have behaved this way , and until you acknowledge and resolve that nothing will change.

I really don't deserve a second chance. The easy time you've had for four years is coming to an end. You partner is more than likely fed up to the back teeth of you.

MatrixReloaded nailed it: work on finding out why you behaved as you did with the help of a counsellor. It'll help you un future relationships.

It may be harsh but four years of selfishness and now you have come to your senses. Why now?

Should read you don't deserve...(sure you have figured that out)

Like others have said, your posts are all about you.