Anyone had to make that decision between going ahead with wedding or calling everything off?

[ConfusedMuchly]

I really, really do not know what to do.

I love my finance and would miss him terribly if we were to split - but at the same time I'm tired of this relationship.

I'm tired of his moaning - I can never do anything right.

I'm tired of his lack of support - if I've had a bad day, I'm told I can't complain as he always has bad days. If I'm stressed out - I'm told "welcome to my world". If I'm tired I'm told "well I'm always tired ... " - everything is a competition.

I'm tired of the eggshells. If he's done something to upset me I've learnt not to mention it unless I'm prepared for a huge row. Therefore, it's often easier to just not mention it. He's ultra defensive. Last week I'd asked him to save me some dinner he'd made everyone as I was at work until 8pm. He 'forgot'. So when I got in I said (lightly, I didn't shout or confront) that I wish he'd have remembered as that meant that I had nothing for dinner as I'd specifcally not sorted anything out as he had said he would save me some. It could have ended there. It could have ended in a quick apology (from him!) but no - he went mental, flew up from the sofa, swore at me, told me "I'm not taking this fucking bullshit from you, I'll make you something now!". He then stormed off to shop (at 9pm! despite me asking him not to) and then came home and cooked a meal from scratch. It wasn't a 'nice' gesture, it was an aggressive "fuck you, look what you've made me do" response to me being a bit upset that I had no dinner.

I'm sick of the lack of concern. Things I'm concerned about I've learnt not to mention as he takes it as a personal attack. I'm sick of having nobody to vent to, nobody to talk to (unless it's something he specifically wants to discuss).

But on the flip side, we do have good times, and I do love him.

I'm torn between calling off the wedding and starting a fresh on my own (I reckon I'd miss him terribly and it scares me) or doing the easy thing and go ahead with the booked and planned wedding.

You deserve better. Fact.

Not sure why you are even asking the question OP.

If this is how you want your life to be for the next 40 years then that's up to you.

The whole point of having an engagement is so that you have time to call a wedding off.

As I am sure people have already told you.

He is a total idiot anyway - he needed to keep this behaviour under wraps until after the wedding. Don't emulate him by marrying him anyway.

A long time ago I came to the conclusion that loving someone is quite easy. It is liking them and feeling they like you back that is the hard bit.

So you love him. That will fade in time. You'll miss him for a while, but it will pass.

Do you honestly think he will ever show you that he likes you? Can you ever like this man who treats you so horribly? I know I couldn't.

It's time to stop starting threads, hoping for someone to post the miracle cure. You can't fix a broken relationship alone, it takes two. This isn't going to get better. Statistically, it's after marriage that things tend to get even worse (since you're then tied to him and he feels safe to be the real him).

Leave now.

You don't love him, you're emotionally attached to him and afraid of the unknown.

Not good enough reasons to marry such a dick!

Starting to wonder if this is real, surely OP must know the answer? Strikingly similar to other threads too.......

Unless of course OP likes being used as a verbal punchbag and a doormat?

I'm surprised nobody has suggested to talk to your fiance about how you feel. It's fairly clear you shouldn't marry someone like this, but maybe he would make the decision to work on his problems for the sake of your relationship and future marriage. Maybe he is stressed out by the thought of getting married, or maybe work is bringing him down? If you had only been dating or living together a short while i would suggest leaving, but i think him being your fiance means it's worth working on.

If he flies off the handle and tells you to shove it, then you have a clearer answer.

"'It could have ended in a quick apology (from him!) but no - he went mental, flew up from the sofa, swore at me, told me "I'm not taking this fucking bullshit from you, I'll make you something now!".'

That sounds like an extremely aggressive man who it is not worth trying to reason with. Trying to discuss it with him is pointless, his actions are terrible. They aren't legally committed to each other now, the OP has no obligation to get married and sentence herself to even more misery. I don't see the benefit in a last chance saloon chat with him. So what if he's stressed? If his reaction to stress is to treat his fiancée like absolute shit, he will probably treat his wife like absolute shit if they marry. He needs to sort himself out, but she's not obliged to help him through it, and should in fact run a thousand miles.

Him being her fiancée means he shouldn't be treating her like trash in the first place, not that it's worth her running around" working on" his shoddy behaviour and pandering to his aggression.

Yes I know someone who thought of calling it off 2 month before the wedding . They even talked to their partner about it , but they were talked round by promises that things would get better .

So they went ahead with the wedding . The marriage lasted 4 months .

Call it off now . Move out .

I am not someone who replies 'leave the bastard' to every thread - but I honestly, honestly think that in this case, you should.

Living with someone like that is EXHAUSTING. My exDP was like it, and I didn't realise what a huge toll it had taken on my time, energy and self-confidence until I left. Life doesn't need to be a battle where every single decision is an argument. It can be lovely, easy, straightforward and supportive.

I know what you mean about still loving him and about leaving being hard. I felt the same way. And I stuck with him for 15 years. 15 YEARS! I look back now from a happier place and I deeply, deeply regret that time.

Don't forget that ending things doesn't mean that you have to never see this guy again. It is possible (though difficult) to go through a separation and come out as friends.

If you go ahead with the wedding, it will just be harder to get out - and this whole thing is unsustainable. You are a strong person, but even strong people have their limits and this whole situation is costing far, far more than it is worth.

About him forgetting to leave you any dinner. This is my favourite quote from the writer Catherine Ryan Hyde: 'People remember what they want to remember and forget what they want to forget. If you told him something was important to you, and he forgot to do it, he blew you off.'

This is not a kind and loving relationship this is not ok. Please think about your future because marrying this man will only make his behaviour worse and damn you to a life of lonelyness and misery.

well he clearly doesn't give a shit about your welfare does he? he doesn't have your back. he doesn't view the two of you as a team.

personally, if i'm going to commit to someone for a lifetime, i would expect them to look out for me.

and you're not even married yet. it won't get better after you're married, it'll get worse. are you up for that?

What is so hard about calling it off?

Trust me, you won't even miss him half as much as you think you will. You will go on to meet someone who deserves you and treats you right. 99% of your time together will be 'good times' and you will never look back! Run like the wind whilst you have chance x

Separation anxiety?
OP, you will be fine without this abuse. There are worse things than being single/alone (and know that alone does not equal lonely) and being with someone like this is one of them.

Skip the divorce: don't marry him in the first place.

what "FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse" and all PP said.

Please leave!

I didn't walk in to the relationship on the first place because of this kind of behaviour. He showed me his real face and I stepped back. Trust me I did try very hard.
He won't change, in fact it will get worse.

Seriously working until 8pm, the dream might be come home, have a dinner and cuddle on the sofa with beloved one. After long working hours no one ever need this type of headache. Save your health. Learn to love yourself more.
You have to think not about calling off marriage, you have to think about leaving him right now. Forget about wedding.
There is no way for the treatment you are getting. He is horrid.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this right now.

A pal called off a wedding 2.weeks before, ten years ago. She said she couldn't imagine growing old with him, and he'd also changed his mind and wanted kids immediately. If they wanted such different things now - she just couldn't see it lasting. She reckoned the baby issue was to keep her tied and dependent.

OK..... . Im sorry you're having such a crap time... It Sounds exhausting and wearing.

He is very, very, clearly telling you what he is like... Please.dont ignore !! There are just too many red flags... I wouldnt give him a second chance... He's likely to manipulate you into believing it's your fault...

I suspect hes manipulated you into thinking this is normal
...
It isnt,!

Your new happier life is waiting... All You need to do is reach out to it!