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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone had to make that decision between going ahead with wedding or calling everything off?

68 replies

ConfusedMuchly · 21/09/2015 10:12

I really, really do not know what to do.

I love my finance and would miss him terribly if we were to split - but at the same time I'm tired of this relationship.

I'm tired of his moaning - I can never do anything right.

I'm tired of his lack of support - if I've had a bad day, I'm told I can't complain as he always has bad days. If I'm stressed out - I'm told "welcome to my world". If I'm tired I'm told "well I'm always tired ... " - everything is a competition.

I'm tired of the eggshells. If he's done something to upset me I've learnt not to mention it unless I'm prepared for a huge row. Therefore, it's often easier to just not mention it. He's ultra defensive. Last week I'd asked him to save me some dinner he'd made everyone as I was at work until 8pm. He 'forgot'. So when I got in I said (lightly, I didn't shout or confront) that I wish he'd have remembered as that meant that I had nothing for dinner as I'd specifcally not sorted anything out as he had said he would save me some. It could have ended there. It could have ended in a quick apology (from him!) but no - he went mental, flew up from the sofa, swore at me, told me "I'm not taking this fucking bullshit from you, I'll make you something now!". He then stormed off to shop (at 9pm! despite me asking him not to) and then came home and cooked a meal from scratch. It wasn't a 'nice' gesture, it was an aggressive "fuck you, look what you've made me do" response to me being a bit upset that I had no dinner.

I'm sick of the lack of concern. Things I'm concerned about I've learnt not to mention as he takes it as a personal attack. I'm sick of having nobody to vent to, nobody to talk to (unless it's something he specifically wants to discuss).

But on the flip side, we do have good times, and I do love him.

I'm torn between calling off the wedding and starting a fresh on my own (I reckon I'd miss him terribly and it scares me) or doing the easy thing and go ahead with the booked and planned wedding.

OP posts:
VeganCow · 21/09/2015 11:16

He is a twat. Thats all.

pictish · 21/09/2015 11:19

You have another thread going about this guy don't you?
Yes it's safe to say that the wedding should not go ahead. You would be making a terrible mistake to marry this man. He will make you absolutely miserable.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/09/2015 11:27

Call it off and then....
RUN FOR THE HILLS
THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

This will be your life (and will probably get worse) for the next 20-40 years if you marry this man.

I called off a wedding about 5-6 months before. Best decision of my life.
It would have been really unfair on him and on me if I had gone ahead with it.
Also not very nice for the guests to attend then a divorce be applied after a few months.

All that cost. Just not worth it.
You know you don't want this unhappiness and walking on egg shells for ever more. What a miserable crappy life you would have.
Don't do that to yourself.
You are worth far more.

CantAffordtoLive · 21/09/2015 11:36

I didn't listen to my doubts and spent all my adult life with someone who never cherished me, never considered my feelings, belittled me, constantly criticised and found fault with me. Please don't make the same mistake.

pictish · 21/09/2015 11:43

I used to be in a relationship where only he was allowed to express anger, upset or offence. I was not allowed. He was at liberty to highlight and indulge his displeasure, whereas mine was an outrage to be stamped on and punished with a monty fucking row, which always left me in floods of shocked tears while my whole being burned with the injustice.

So anyway...don't bother. That way madness and misery lie.

Isetan · 21/09/2015 11:43

You know that it won't get any better (most probably worse) and therefore not marrying him, will be a heck of a lot easier, then living with yourself if you did.

Your heart needs to catch up with your head.

MotherOfFlagons · 21/09/2015 11:44

Am I confused or does OP have two other threads about the same thing under different names?

nauticant · 21/09/2015 11:51

That's how it looks to me MotherOfFlagons. Three different threads in three different folders under three different names. Or coincidence I suppose.

PlopsyWhopsy · 21/09/2015 11:51

Really sorry, he won't get any better, it will get worse. Ending it know will be hard and difficult but worth it in the long run

AnyFucker · 21/09/2015 12:17

It seems to me there is one poster starting multiple threads asking the same question

OP, the answer will be the same no matter how many times you ask

WelliesAndPyjamas · 21/09/2015 12:33

He sounds horrid. Can you really imagine being treated like that all your life? When you are old and frail, the children all grown, and all you have left is a grumpy old arse?

Only marry someone who you'd still be delighted to wake up to for the rest of your life. That's a long time!

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 21/09/2015 12:40

I've never had to call off an engagement or wedding but if my partner behaved like this then I wouldn't hesitate to break things off.

It's that or you're stuck with his behaviour. It won't change.

BurningBridges · 21/09/2015 12:44

I did this when I was 21 - I'm now 30+ years older! I went ahead with the marriage as we had booked and paid for a huge expensive wedding. We divorced just over a year later. I was very young and silly but hoped things would simply get better. They didn't and I couldn't wait to get away from him.

Joysmum · 21/09/2015 12:52

You're supposed to suppress your feeling and change who you are to appease this man whilst he doesn't do the same and continues to behave disgustingly.

Of course you should call it off.

It's much easier and less damaging for you to deal with canceling a wedding than to be trapped in a marriage and have this for the rest of your life. Flowers

GiddyOnZackHunt · 21/09/2015 12:58

I had doubts but went ahead. It limped on for 2 depressing years before the divorce. Whereupon all my friends and family turned out to had misgivings too.

mummytime · 21/09/2015 12:59

Okay: my DH is not perfect.
One day I went out and he was looking after our 3 DC. I told him I'd need some dinner saving for when I got back. He forgot. When I got back it had all been eaten. I was hungry and grumpy - I yelled because I was so upset. DH apologised, and then made me his special cheese on toast (which is delicious).

That is what a good relationship looks like. Not, nothing goes wrong, but when it does people apologise and solve the problem as simply as possible.

RUN!

Ragwort · 21/09/2015 13:05

What do you 'love' about this man? He treats you terribly. It will only get worse - if he treats you like this before you are married, just imagine what it will be like afterwood?

PLEASE listen to all the advice on this thread, and read some of the relationship threads about how women can get 'trapped' once they have had children, lost earning power etc etc. Please walk away now whilst you have the opportunity.

SlightlyJaded · 21/09/2015 13:05

OP you are very lucky

He has revealed his true self to you now.

Not after you'd made the huge mistake of marrying him.

I recognise this man completely and I can promise you that he just gets worse. And when he tires of wearing you down, he will start on your children. Especially you daughter if you ever have one.

It will be a nightmare calling it off and he will react in a number of ways:
Anger
Tears
Disbelief

etc

But this is nothing to the drama that would play out when you finally plucked up the courage to leave a miserable marriage 10 years down the line.

Please please call it off. He is a dick now and an abuser in the making.

Jackiebrambles · 21/09/2015 13:07

Good god. Call it off!!

He sounds dreadful. Also it might seem the easy option to go ahead and marry him and not lose deposits etc, but fuck me, it's a damn site easier than getting a divorce from a horrible man. Is this what you want your life to be like forever? Because it will be if you marry him.

magoria · 21/09/2015 13:09

Why the hell would you continue down this path and chain yourself to such a vile person?

pebbletime · 21/09/2015 13:14

OP.
I am not you, you are not me.
But:
I am 14y married and 2 children 'in'.
And NOW I have to get 'out'.
That is hard (not impossible, but hard and it is MOST hard on the children)
I wish I had 'read the signs'.

Postpone. See if you still want to marry him in 12m. My guess is not.

PoundingTheStreets · 21/09/2015 13:54

Definitely call it off.

The financial cost and emotional trauma of calling off a wedding is nothing compared to getting a divorce. It will only get harder if you ignore what you brain is screaming at you. If you call it off, after the initial fuss dies down, you will feel infinitely better.

My DSis didn't. She got married. She left him 6 months later and that was way worse than if she'd called it off beforehand. Don't make her mistake.

DSis is now happily married to a different and completely fantastic bloke BTW who has been there for her through thick and thin.

You only get one life. Don't waste it on something you already know isn't right.

somewheresomehow · 21/09/2015 14:10

He sounds an utter crank and I echo everyone before me
Leave and don't look back, he will drive you into the ground

Paperblank · 21/09/2015 14:32

He's an utter twat. Why are you considering marrying such a horrible person?

showsomeclass · 21/09/2015 15:14

I've had the exact same dilemma - Twice

I got divorced - Twice