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Original poster

Dh constantly whinging about my job and everything else

65 replies

ThaiRice · 20/09/2015 20:04

I started my new job last Monday. Three 13 hour shifts a week.
He'd previously moaned that me working full time would mean more pressure on him to make dinner and packed lunches for everyone (3 nights a week Hmm ) so to help him out I did all the ironing the Sunday before my first shift and made 3 days worth of packed lunch. The next day off I had I did more washing and ironing and made more packed lunches so throughout the week he didn't need to make any. I also bought in easy stuff to cook like pizza and meat pies.
Today, he moaned that it's all so difficult for him, me working so many hours Shock

Now on my days off I do everyone's washing, everyone's drying, everyone's ironing, the whole weeks shopping, all the packed lunches for the week, dinner most nights a week, clean the bathrooms, Hoover the floors ... Nobody else does this stuff. He makes dinner 3 nights a week and empties the bin yet Hes got it so difficult??? This weekend he was supposed to be getting on with the bathroom upgrade yet he sits on battlefield for hours and then says he's 'ill' and can't do much? I can't remember the last time I had chance to play computer games.
When I ask if he would rather me work part time he says no as we need the money??? Yet he complains either way??!! Getting s bit sick of it, nothing is ever good enough.

OP posts:
TheUrbaneFox · 20/09/2015 20:34

I see now that the children are your children. I would do their lunches, their meals, their laundry and leave him to do his own food and laundry and only do half of the tidying up. Literally split it up by ROOM. Your responsibility is the bathroom and the living room. Mine is the kitchen and the bedroom.

MotherOfFlagons · 20/09/2015 20:34

I'm afraid he sounds like a proper drag. I could not be doing with all that baby whingeing. And if I had kids and my DP tried to make me feel bad that he was doing stuff for 'my kids' as though it was a massive hardship, I'd tell him to fuck right off.

lorelei9 · 20/09/2015 20:34

PS - when I said "quick lesson" - I meant for him - just in case that wasn't clear! He won't learn unless stuff like that happens.

TheUrbaneFox · 20/09/2015 20:35

Or just boot him out. The thoughts of him 'going mental' because you were upset (and I'd be upset too if I'd asked somebody to leave me some dinner and they didn't). But I'd be even more upset that they were cross i was upset. That's really abusive. It's like training you to never complain. That's his role!

paddlenorapaddle · 20/09/2015 20:39

Read wife work don't marry this man without sorting out his tendency to be a lazy arsehole and while you're at it stop doing his stuff for him. How do you know he was "looked" after sounds like a load of bollocks to me and its more about him pitting you against the ghost of his previously perfect but no existent EX wife

Skiptonlass · 20/09/2015 21:06

Good grief, you're marrying this??

So he wants a perfect housewife, oh but she has to go out and earn as well? And he whines like a brat at being requested to do a few chores?

What do you see in him?

goddessofsmallthings · 20/09/2015 21:19

You're planning to sign up for a lifetime with this whinging whining self-entitled arse? Shock

Why?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/09/2015 21:26

Why do you want to marry him? He sounds appalling. He doesn't give a shit about you or your kids. Is the sex amazing or something?

What are you teaching your children about how a woman should be?

ImperialBlether · 20/09/2015 21:48

I don't understand. The point of an engagement is to plan the wedding and double-check you are right for each other. He is showing you exactly what your life will be like with him and you're STILL planning the wedding?

You are cramming 39 hours of work into three days and doing virtually everything else. The only things you're asking him to do are the things you can't do because you are working. And he's complaining. Making your life a misery.

Cancel the wedding. Kick him out. Look for a real adult instead.

bloodyteenagers · 20/09/2015 21:58

Well in that case.
Tell him to fuck off then and do his own stuff 100% of the time.
Shouldn't matter the children are not his. They come attached to you. He takes you on he takes on the children if he wants to live with them.

potap123 · 20/09/2015 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 20/09/2015 22:06

It's fairly simple...don't marry the fucker because this is what your life will be like. He resents making a bloody sandwich for your kids ffs. What use is he to you? You'll bust a gut while he sits on his arse complaining about it.
You have been warned.

cozietoesie · 20/09/2015 22:08

Imperial more or less said it for me - except I'd probably have been a tad meaner.

He's selfish and lazy. Get rid of him.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 20/09/2015 22:16

Why exactly is it that both he and you think that you exist to serve as his maid and skivvy? What extraordinary skills or talents does he possess that you think it's okay to put up with running yourself ragged looking after every aspect of the home he bloody lives in and working a full week's hours? Who the actual fuck does he think he is?

As others have said - he is telling you loud and clear what he thinks of you. You exist to serve him. He is telling you loud and clear what thinks of your kids - not worth him bothering with. He is telling you loud and clear who he is - a sexist dinosaur of the opinion that ownership of a penis puts him right at the top of the food chain where all below should serve his wants and needs.

He does not respect you.

He will not change.

Your entire future will be putting up with him fucking complaining because even though you are doing 90% of the domestic workload, he thinks you should be doing 100%. Plus earning a tidy wage while you do so.

Please tell me what positives he actually brings to your life? I genuinely don't get it.

Please don't marry him. Your life now is how your life will always be. Why would you do that to yourself and your children?

lorelei9 · 20/09/2015 22:19

I missed the post where you said you were marrying him. Don't. He's given you a very clear demonstration of the man he is. Why would you want to be legally weighed down by a man like that?

cozietoesie · 20/09/2015 22:24

I'm actually not too clear aboout that - are you married or not, Thai ? (It's just a question of the practicalities such as who owns the house/ whether your finances are co-mingled/ that sort of thing.)

kittybiscuits · 20/09/2015 22:30

I lived with an arsehole. But I didn't marry him.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/09/2015 23:40

The period before a wedding is like an audition for what your married life will be like. Do you really fancy another 25 years of his utter crap? Tell him that his probationary period is at an end, he's failed and consequently he needs to sling his bloody hook tout suite.

He resents fixing a couple of simple meals for YOUR kids. How bloody dare he!

Cabrinha · 21/09/2015 08:25

Jesus wept.
Why would you marry him?

HazleNutt · 21/09/2015 09:21

why are you marrying this man? Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this, nothing ever good enough?

whatisforteamum · 21/09/2015 09:25

Surely you and your dcs are a whole package he cant say "Your kids"?.I feel for you OP.My dh had got used to doing little chores when i worked part time and he worked overtime,Since he was ill i took on more hrs and he had to do some ironing and cook meals as the dcs needed school uniforms ready for monday.
13 hr days are gruelling i did it for 2 yrs.Last week i changed jobs and dd started shift work.My dh huffed and puffed about the chores.He was unsupportive and still went golfing for the day again.BUT he did everything sunday,,washing, grass ,mopping, hoovering roast dinner.
Could your dcs have school dinners ?.
I am considering making more life changes the first is to settle into my new job then as dcs are now grown up and my confidence has grown i will have to rent somewhere away from a man who has moaned he needs a cooked meal ready after work for 28 yrs.Dont get me wrong im quite domesticated but we are not in the 1950s.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2015 09:57

ThaiRice,

And you are together because...

Can you actually answer that question?.

If you have children you are simply going to foister this millstone of a man onto them well. Some stepfather he's going to be to them.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he meeting here?.

molyholy · 21/09/2015 10:29

Oh god OP. Why exactly are you with this waste of space? He sounds like an arsehole. You want to marry him? Why?

TheUrbaneFox · 21/09/2015 10:52

I'm afraid I agree. And, even if he agreed to do half the housework, I'd still worry for you because it seems like he is allowed to complain (and does). But on the rare occasions you get upset (because you asked for a small consideration and it was forgotten) he gets angry with you...... that is really worrying. Think about that OP. In the relationship, he is the one who is allowed to complain. If you complain about something, or just get upset, he is angry with you for being upset! In other words, you are not allowed to be upset or to complain. Only he is allowed to complain.

Lundy Bancroft was clear about this. He is training you to never question, never get upset. I bet there are lots of things where you would LIKE to ask for a bit more consideration, but you leave it, for fear of making him cross. If so, then his training is workinng. Soon you will be trained up to do everything and never complain and never dare show that you're upset. YOu voice in the relationship will have been stolen and you won't understand why. Because, for each isolated incident, you could speak out if you wanted to, right?! But you know form past experience that any expression of disappointment from you will be met with indignation and martyred anger. So,,,,,,,,, you say nothing. You let everything go. While he asks for more and more and more.

ivykaty44 · 21/09/2015 11:12

Why do you want to be with him? Why did his 15 year marriage end?