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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How bad is this relationship?

31 replies

Spidermumdissapointed · 20/09/2015 17:50

My husband and I bicker a lot. We always have. We've had some very low points in our marriage but I've always managed to get past it.

In the last three or four days he's really upset me to the point where I feel ill. Could you let me know how serious you think this behaviour is, or if it's worth just keeping going.

Talking about a woman we know having abortions at the breakfast table in front of our 6 and 1 year olds.

Saying rude and racist comments about DS1s school mates while he's in the car.

Answering the phone while driving with his children and pregnant wife in the car.

Stopping directly in front of and blocking a junction which many cars are trying to pass, to continue talking on the phone while his children and pregnant wife are in the car.

Driving down a one way street while his children and pregnant wife are in the car, because he's on the phone and not looking where he's going.

Calling me a bitch, a psycho, a terrible driver in front of the kids because I asked him not to do these things and said he was letting us down.

He did say the word sorry in the end, but he shouted it angrily at me and expects me to accept it. His behaviour does not show any remorse and I know he would do the same things again if he was in the same position.

And today's is the worst of all - I'm 38 weeks pregnant. I called him this afternoon because I started contractions. I called back a few hours later to say they had stopped and not to worry, but he'd decided to spend the afternoon drinking. He was so drunk he couldn't understand me.

I'm pretty sure the baby isn't coming today, but I feel so ashamed that I would have to go to the hospital alone or with a drunk as a father to my poor child.

Is this as bad as I think?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/09/2015 17:52

it's worse than you are even allowing yourself to think, love

DoreenLethal · 20/09/2015 17:55

It is shite love. A bag of shite.

rainbowstardrops · 20/09/2015 17:55

I think you probably know the answer to that question lovely.
SadFlowers

donajimena · 20/09/2015 17:56

Its bloody awful. What do you like about him?

Flowerpower41 · 20/09/2015 17:57

You are probably not very compatible to begin with, sorry to say it.

It would be better to either spend far less time together so as not to inflame the lack of compatibility or to separate - if the latter is feasible of course. So much depends on finances and practicalities these days doesn't it.

RJnomaaaaaargh · 20/09/2015 17:59

The fact you are asking us means you know.

Timing is shitty though eh.

Original poster
Spidermumdissapointed · 20/09/2015 17:59

Right now I just feel stupid and ashamed to be in this position. I keep going because we are always so close to having such a lovely life. But we never get there. He always has something else to be stressed about, something else to be nasty about.

I'm pathetic, I just want him to be decent and kind. I know how stupid I sound.

OP posts:
Chottie · 20/09/2015 17:59

I'm just wondering how life is going to be for you with 3 little ones living with an aggressive, uncaring man child.......

AnyFucker · 20/09/2015 18:09

My father has sabotaged his own happiness all his life

No matter what my mum did/does nothing changes

Some people are just born to bring others down. He sounds like one of them.

Original poster
Spidermumdissapointed · 20/09/2015 18:20

He's changed a lot. He used to be kind and generous. Now he's just bitter, depressed and honestly quite nasty about most people. It's like he's eternally disappointed in his life and is always concerned with what other people have or are doing.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 20/09/2015 18:40

What did you used to bicker about when he was kind and generous?

Original poster
Spidermumdissapointed · 20/09/2015 18:49

Honestly, we would bicker about his family. They have never liked me, he has never helped me in this area. We were too young maybe to know what to do.

It's still not resolved but I don't give them many opportunities to cause trouble any more - though I don't stop my husband keeping in touch.

Then we got married, and for the last 8 years it's just slowly been getting worse.

It's not going to get any better, but my poor poor kids. Whatever I do, they are going to go through a lot of shit I don't want them to.

He really doesn't think he's being unreasonable, he honestly believes I am difficult and hormonal.

OP posts:
anotherbloomingusername · 20/09/2015 18:50

Sometimes pregnancy brings out the worst in men, but it can't bring out anything that isn't already there. I feel for you, OP. I ended up in the same situation during late pregnancy with my second DD. I knew I had to go at that point, but it still took me a couple of years to get out.

anotherbloomingusername · 20/09/2015 18:53

Also, kids are much happier when they aren't having to watch one of their parents behave abusively to the other on a daily basis.

Doublebubblebubble · 20/09/2015 18:54

Saying rude and racist comments that would end it then and there for me - nevermind who it was about.

I echo another pregnancy really does bring out the worst in some people x good luck op x

Original poster
Spidermumdissapointed · 20/09/2015 18:57

Thanks another I know they would eventually be happy in a peaceful environment. It would take a lot of heartache to get them there. They love their dad.

OP posts:
newnamesamegame · 20/09/2015 18:58

Its off the scale bad. It sounds like you probably know this within yourself but need some third party validation from others to allow you to admit this to yourself. Well here it is. Your husband is a racist, abusive bully with no consideration for the safety of his family.

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

Original poster
Spidermumdissapointed · 20/09/2015 19:09

newname I know what 'the right' thing to do is. It's just too difficult when I'm days away from giving birth and still have two other kids to keep going for.
I can't deal with this alone, I can't explain to my kids right now why daddy isn't here and deal with the very last days of this pregnancy. It's truly too much for me.
You are right. I am looking for third party validation - its a huge decision to make. It doesn't only change my life. I am scared to make a change.

OP posts:
newnamesamegame · 20/09/2015 19:13

OP I do understand and please don't think I'm judging you at all, I know its enormously difficult. You need to wait until you're in a place where you can do it.

But is there someone else who would be able to get you through the birth, given that your husband apparently isn't able even to do that? Do you have family around you who you could stay with? Close friends?

BloodyBellyJeans · 20/09/2015 19:16

You are not stupid or pathetic , you are in a very vulnerable position at the moment
Take small steps

Original poster
Spidermumdissapointed · 20/09/2015 19:38

You are all very kind and it's making me cry. I know the marriage is a wreck, and I know what I should do ideally. It's reinforcing to hear that other people find his behaviour as poor as I do.

Unfortunately, days away from giving birth and at the very start of my maternity leave I am in no position to go anywhere.

I think I will have to follow the advice of flowerpower and we will have to just avoid each other as much as possible, until I'm in a stronger position.

I'm not scared of looking after my three kids on my own, but I am scared of supporting them on my considerably smaller wage. But that's a worry for the future I think.

OP posts:
RJnomaaaaaargh · 20/09/2015 20:04

Do you have a back up birthing partner and plans for the children to be cared for if he isn't in a suitable state to accompany you when you do go into labour?

If you were a friend of mine I'd be more than happy to help if needed, don't be shy of asking people.

newnamesamegame · 20/09/2015 20:12

I think you are probably right that now is not the time to do it OP. I think in the short term though you will probably need some additional support as it doesn't sound like he is reliable enough even to provide this. You say you are going to avoid him as much as possible but you need someone to provide back-up in the early days after labour. Is he up to helping you with any of this? If the answer is no then is there anyone else you can call on? I think the previous poster is right that anyone who knows your position would be glad to help you. You should call on friends and call in favours. God knows you need it....

If you think you can get through the first weeks and months with what support he can give you, get this out of the way and then start planning. Does the wage you have pay enough for you to keep a roof over your head? You should try to work out how you can supplement this from tax credits etc, start doing as much homework as you can manage with a small baby. Speak to women's aid, speak to friends. Keep posting here. And when you're ready, put your plan into action.

Best of luck with the birth. Enjoy your new baby. And don't give up on getting away from him when the time is right...

Original poster
Spidermumdissapointed · 20/09/2015 20:47

If I go into labour tonight, I'll be giving birth alone, and my kids will be cared for by their gran.

I'll look into other options tomorrow.

I don't know what's going on with him at all. When he answered the phone to me drunk tonight he could barely speak and admitted he was drunk. I sent him a message saying I was pissed off / he was irresponsible doing this when I'm due to give birth.

Now he's sending me messages saying he's not drunk at all and 'why am I being like this'

I stopped answering. It's just too much.

With regards to supporting my kids on my salary - not in my current job as I work 4 days, and mortgage - not on our current house. Small house and 5 working days a week would make this more possible, but with the cost of daycare for the younger 2, it wouldn't be fun.

OP posts:
RJnomaaaaaargh · 20/09/2015 21:14

It wouldn't be fun but it would be temporary remember.