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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Suicidal Threats

42 replies

Coquelicot1986 · 20/09/2015 13:52

I want to be with someone who is married, he is of the same opinion. This is not a whim we have a history going back 30 years. I could write a book/film about it but am trying to keep this brief.

When he told his wife he was leaving she threatened to kill herself so he now feels he cannot take the risk.

I do not understand how she can want to stay with someone who is in love with, and wants to be with, someone else and I don't understand how he can stay in the relationship for the sake of someone else when it is not what he wants.

I see this as emotional abuse and have read that it is the most effective way of making a partner stay.

I feel like we are in a no-win situation and do not know how we can progress. We are all unhappy even her even though she still 'has' him.

Has anyone any experience of this?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 20/09/2015 14:05

You two have been involved for 30 years? Did she know about this?

Frankly if the first I heard about the relationship was that my husband had been having an affair for 30 years, I would feel suicidal. My whole life would have been based on a lie.

Do you think you should give her time to get used to the betrayal first, before she divorces him?

PurpleDaisies · 20/09/2015 14:09

You're seriously calling a woman whose world has been totally turned upside down by an affair an emotional abuser? What makes you think she isn't suicidal? Their break up is not really any of your business.

While this guy is married leave him alone.

Doublebubblebubble · 20/09/2015 14:18

Are you that obtuse that you cant see it from her side?

Do they have dc??

Could he not have "left" her without mentioning you And been "single" for a while?

Do you know the ins and outs of this womans mh history - or are you just making childish assumptions??

have you ever met her or are you just getting your info from him?? (who is, for all intense and purposes, a liar

and will probably go on to cheat on you (sorry, not sorry)

you say you've known him for 30 years.. Is that consecutively or you met when you were 16 and have reconnected aged 46??

You are the ow in this situation - YOU and HE are in the wrong - not her!!! this probably all came out of the blue and she may very well still be in love with him. It doesnt matter to her that it apparently isn't reciprocated!

I can't say that I have much sympathy for you to be fair think that maybe you should take a step back he is a married man so that he can do the right thing.

I wish the wife the best of luck

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/09/2015 14:28

People who threaten suicide rarely make good on their threats. Those who are definitely suicidal keep it to themselves and get on with it.

That's not to understate this poor woman's evident distress. To put it mildly. What the feck did either of you expect to happen? For her to calmly accept the situation and you and him walk off happily into the sunset hand-in-hand? Show some bloody empathy if you have any.

If you had an ounce of integrity you'd stop seeing him until and unless he was free to be in a relationship with you. Perhaps this story of his wife's sheer and absolute misery is just an excuse and he hasn't told her he wants to leave at all. He wouldn't be the first one to tell that big, fat porky.

gamerchick · 20/09/2015 14:35

Man I properly winced when I read that.. You're very brave OP.

Leave him alone so they can sort their marriage out. You could do that for her at least.

goddessofsmallthings · 20/09/2015 14:38

If you have a history going back 30 years with this married man, what makes you think he'd be willing to leave his dw now?

Scobberlotcher · 20/09/2015 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PacificDogwod · 20/09/2015 14:42

There is nothing you can do to 'progress' this.

She needs to get over her shock and hurt and fecking get rid of him.
Or he can chose to leave. Or not.

You have no say in this situation.

PacificDogwod · 20/09/2015 14:43

People who threaten suicide rarely make good on their threats. Those who are definitely suicidal keep it to themselves and get on with it.

That is not necessarily true, but I agree, in this situation a suicide thread is more likely made out of a sense of shock and hurt.

TenForward82 · 20/09/2015 14:44

The brass balls on you! Not even a hint of shame in your post. But the heart wants what it wants, right? She doesn't understand him like you do? Things will be glorious when she's out of the picture, right? Right?

TiredOfPeople · 20/09/2015 14:47

Right, he's told you she "said" that, didn't he? Love, this is WHAT CHEATING MARRIED MEN DO. They will say the wife has said xyz. I can absolutely assure you, she hasn't. You are being taken for a complete mug.

specialsubject · 20/09/2015 14:47

wow, he's a catch isn't he. Is this the best you could do?

however with that date in your username I call troll.

IASM · 20/09/2015 14:47

Fucking hell, OP - you will get flamed, and rightly so. A no-win situation, eh? So if he did manage to leave her, who has won? You? Him? Certainly not her. The poor woman.

IsItMeOr · 20/09/2015 14:48

People who threaten suicide rarely make good on their threats. Those who are definitely suicidal keep it to themselves and get on with it.

This is a fallacy. People can do either of these. Not strictly relevant to this thread, but I would always take it very seriously if one of my friends or family said they have thoughts of killing themselves.

OP - I do hope that you haven't really been living your life around this man for the past 30 years and that, instead, you mean that you knew him at school 30 years ago, and have recently got in touch via facebook.

TiredOfPeople · 20/09/2015 14:49

My grandad told his bit on the side of 10 plus years the same about my nan. My nan didn't even know about this woman, until my gd got cancer and died. The bit on the side was shocked no one knew about her because apparantly my nan had threatened suicide, the whole family had begged him not to leave my nan so of course "he just couldn't". NONE OF US KNEW ABOUT HER.

You are a gullible moron.

PacificDogwod · 20/09/2015 14:49

I have been wondering about that too.

TiredOfPeople · 20/09/2015 14:50

Haha, oh yes, just clocked her username - there's a bridge somewhere that's missing it's troll....

Behooven · 20/09/2015 14:50

I hope this isn't true because it's one of the most heartless things I've ever read on here
at you

TenForward82 · 20/09/2015 14:51

Could be the year they met? Or the year she realised she was a heartless individual?

goddessofsmallthings · 20/09/2015 14:54

Why do I have the feeling that he's told you a crock of shit because he has no intention of leaving his dw and is trying to get out of an involvement with you that he bitterly regrets?

Given that you appear to believe you have a god-given right to him, I suppose your next step will be turn up on at his home and demand that his dw hands him over to you forthwith.

There sure are some stories on this board and yours is coming very close to taking the OP

TenForward82 · 20/09/2015 14:56

Goddess, more likely that he wants to have his cake and eat it.

Junosmum · 20/09/2015 14:58

This smacks of him wanting to have his cake and eat it. How do you know that this is what she said?

This is emotional blackmail, not emotional abuse (if indeed she has said this, and if indeed he has told her at all). Unfortunately you can't make him do anything.

Leave him. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't, she will either kill herself or she won't.

Junosmum · 20/09/2015 15:01

That last bit sounded harsh, but what I mean is, no one is responsible for the emotional wellbeing of another, it is something that the individual is responsible for, I know I've been there. It's hard to see at times but how you react to a situation is your business, what may tip one person over the edge will have a different effect on another.

daisychain01 · 20/09/2015 15:03

When he told his wife he was leaving she threatened to kill herself so he now feels he cannot take the risk

I don't know what's more sad, him spinning you a line that's as old as the hills and you believing him

Or that you have wasted 30 years of your life, on someone who has no backbone and clearly does wants his cake and eat it.

What do you want any of us to do? Wave a magic wand or something??

daisychain01 · 20/09/2015 15:04

Oops it looks like there are abundant slices of on this thread

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