Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Where is the thread about the DH who does NOTHING at home and how it totally undermines the relationship

50 replies

macnab · 20/09/2015 11:14

Sorry for the long title!

I remember reading about a thread where a woman had just reached end point with a husband who did literally nothing around the house. I am now past at that point and could really do with reading through that thread for moral support and guidance.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/09/2015 12:29

Honestly, there are threads which come up with this same issue, both here and on AIBU, every single day of the week.

How has you own situation happened? During and after raising a family while being a SAH parent?

Some men can be encouraged to step up to the mark and accept their joint responsibilities once their spouses go back to work, is this you?

There's currently a thread on AIBU abut how a husband treats his wife as an employee. Perhaps that's the one you're thinking of.

TheStoic · 20/09/2015 12:42

Just the one?

It's a very common scenario, unfortunately. I hope one of the numerous threads can help you.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2015 12:45

Which one...there have been thousands of them MN

If you find yourself in this situation, the only sane action is to leave

gallicgirl · 20/09/2015 12:45

I'm amazed how many there are. Makes me appreciate my DP but really, we shouldn't have to be grateful that our partner's respect our household and pull their weight. It should be the norm.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2015 12:45

*on

Original poster

macnab · 20/09/2015 13:51

Yes I know it's a common complaint. There was a thread that grew legs and ended up being very long. It was referred to in a few threads and I did clink on a link to it and thought "I must read this through" but didn't have the time and now can't find it. I'll start searching now, just had hoped someone might remember it and link it.

OP posts:

Original poster

macnab · 20/09/2015 13:54

AnyFucker it's easy to say leave but the reality is different. There are all sorts of obstacles. Besides, if I thought he could change the behaviour I would like to try first. There's a lot about him that I love, albeit that love is being eroded on a daily basis. But still, I would like to try as that is my nature. Just feeling very down and hopeless today.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/09/2015 13:55

How much is he trying ?

Or is he content to see you unhappy, frustrated and losing any respect for him ?

Original poster

macnab · 20/09/2015 14:16

He's not trying at all. And I'm worn out. And so confused. We both work, I am currently taking parental leave 1 day a week so I only work Mon-Thurs. and I work 9-5 whereas he works very long hours, never home before 7pm and working at home a lot etc. so I know it's stressful for him but I just feel that he could do something around the house. But when I say he does nothing, I really honestly mean nothing
We have been together for 18 years, married 11. We have two children aged 7 & 5. I am completely responsible for the situation I'm in. He has always been like this. I should not have married him without sorting it out first but I didn't. And roll on all the years look where I am now and how miserable I am.
Sorry I'm rambling now but am feeling so down today, am on my own (well, with the kids) and can't really tell anyone in RL about it.

OP posts:

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 20/09/2015 14:32

If he works many more hours than you then it's only fair the bulk is picked up by you. He can't do it when at work and if he works more presumably he picks up more of the financial side.

If you are both out all day at work then there can't be that much to do at night other than a quick tidy, a meal and homework.

If you want him to do the housework can he cut his hours and you increase yours so you both work the same and can share the house stuff 50/50.

I'd expect help at weekends if there's a lot to do and he didnt work.

M0rven · 20/09/2015 14:38

The key thing is how much leisure time you both have . Is that split equally ?

What happens when you discuss it with him ?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/09/2015 14:41

Lay your cards on the table: while you're both at home not working then the responsibility for housework and associated chores and responsibilities get shared. Or you go on strike and only do the bare minimum to get yourself and the kids fed and clothed.

As long as you carry the burden alone it will continue. You are a wife and an equal partner not the domestic help who also supplies the sexual favours FOC.

Mention that it's extremely difficult to have feelings of warmth and intimacy with someone when you're fulfilling the role of his mother/full-time maid and housekeeper, and not his wife.

gallicgirl · 20/09/2015 14:55

My parents were like this. Result- mum left a few years ago and dad is struggling to look after himself. Came totally out of the blue for him despite mum trying to broach the problems. Sort it sooner rather than later.

In an attempt to be helpful, would hiring a cleaner lift some of the burden?

Bitter has it exactly right though.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2015 14:56

If you do it all anyway I am not sure what you would lose by having him move out and be forced to financially support his family because it seems that is all he is offering right now

The primary years are notorious for being full on with kid stuff

If you both work, he should be sharing the shit work with you outside of working hours or buying in the help

Nothing is going to change, I am afraid

Original poster

macnab · 20/09/2015 14:59

Yes I appreciate that if he's not here he physically can't do the lions share and I honestly don't mind doing more because I'm here more

BUT... the times he is here, he really does nothing. And not only is he not helping in any way he is actually making more work for me. For example he will just leave his plate on the floor beside the sofa (refuses to eat at table in kitchen) and if I didn't pick it up it would stay there. I resent asking him to do it. I have to ask more than once and I end up feeling like a bag. He will then just leave it on the worktop when he could actually put it in the dishwasher. If I ask him to sort out the kitchen he shoves things in the dishwasher in such a way that they need to be rearranged otherwise they wouldn't wash properly. He says that's me being ridiculous. But it's not! But he always leaves things out, never cleans down the worktop a and tidies properly. Just a half arsed job and that's it. I know that might sound trivial but it's the constant endless trivial shit that has completely worn me down.
People might say let him cook for himself, only cleanup after yourself & kids and do your own washing etc but that's no way to live. He simply wouldn't do it, and I'd end up surrounded by shit and even more angry.
He has gone off for the day & night to a sporting thing, which I have no problem with at all he's a huge fan and goes every year etc. but he stayed in bed till 11 then got up, showered dressed and headed out the door. I feel he could/should have got up earlier and spent some time with the kids, done a bit around the house etc before heading off
I do ALL the cleaning, cooking, washing (and drying, folding & putting away), food shopping, organising of kids uniforms/bags/lunchboxes etc It is ME who remembers everything, plans things, sorts out anything and everything to do with house or children. Someone said I'm like his mother, yes indeed that's exactly what I feel like.
I'm just so bitter and resentful now

OP posts:

StillRaving · 20/09/2015 15:03

Have you told him how much this is affecting you? If so what was his reply ?

AnyFucker · 20/09/2015 15:06

This will end your marriage eventually. Unless you get a lobotomy and turn into a Stepford Wife?. When are you booked in ?

nicestrongtea · 20/09/2015 15:08

Reading this is making my blood boil !
I would just LTB - you are being completely used as a skivvy by this lazy arse.

daisychain01 · 20/09/2015 15:13

When it gets to the point where you minimise his actions by saying stuff like "I know it's trivial but..." then it really is time to reconsider your relationship.

We can give you all the advice in the world, but if the lazy waste of space refuses to eat at a table and leaves his detritus for you to clear up, then anything we say will not change his behaviour. He's a lodger at a very comfortable guest house so what incentive is there for him to change.

You're anticipating what MNers will say, because it's common sense. We can tell you something different if it makes you feel better.

Original poster

macnab · 20/09/2015 15:19

No, I know what you're saying is right, I know his behaviour is completely wrong. I'm just struggling with how to deal with it. We genuinely can't separate, we are deeply in negative equity on our home and there just isn't the money to fund two households. We absolutely cannot live separately at the moment and that's not likely to change for a number of years. Unless we come into a significant amount of money.
I know in my heart he won't change. I'm so annoyed with myself for getting into this so deep. I have enabled it. That makes me so angry at myself.
I just need a bit of moral support today, I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back to normal and will be able to carry on as usual.

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 20/09/2015 15:22

So, really he's a crap lodger? does he spend anytime at all with the DC? What does he do for them? or is he just there for the fun stuff, and even then it's you getting out the paints and clearing up after?

Leaving his plate on the floor? That must have been hell with crawling babies and toddlers. It's supposed to get easier, not harder:(

What does he do weekends? does he get himself out if bed in the morning or is that your job as well, to wake him up?

Original poster

macnab · 20/09/2015 15:24

Also, this probably goes without saying, he is extremely resentful towards me because of a lack of sex. I have tried to explain that apart from being physically exhausted, I'm feeling so resentful at his lack of help and support around the house that it puts me off sex. To be honest, my libido is completely gone and I wouldn't be bothered if I never had sex again. But I know how important it is to him, so I would make an effort (and often, when you make an effort and get into it, it turns out to be quite good) but at this stage I RESENT making an effort for him when he makes no effort for me. He thinks that's nonsense! So we go round in circles.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/09/2015 15:24

I am afraid we cannot actually support you in forcing your justified rage and distress down again to enable you to carry on in this inequitable situation for however long it takes for it all to surface again

If you feel it is your fault then he has done a right fucking number on you. It is not your fault he is a selfish pig, but it is your choice whether you tolerate it or not.

Why can't you talk to anyone in RL ?

Original poster

macnab · 20/09/2015 15:27

He's ok with the kids, although I hate even saying that because it's not really something that should be applauded is it.
He is just pure lazy though. Weekends are spent with him lying on the sofa watching sport. Or else he'll want to "do something" like go to the beach for a run about, head to his folks, basically get out of the house. He wouldn't be at home at the weekend and actually do anything around the house.

OP posts:

SilverBadger · 20/09/2015 15:31

He sounds like my teenage daughter - but at least she's leaving home some time. Have you tried saying something along the lines of "I appreciate you work long hours to provide for us, and you're not here to do the routine housework, but can you at least not make extra work for me? Can you clear up after yourself (properly - the way you expect me to) and do what you can to minimise my workload?"

If that doesn't work, you may have to try tougher tactics. Good luck. I have to say, he sounds like a complete arse - which is where he needs a good kick.

Flip

1 2