Where is the thread about the DH who does NOTHING at home and how it totally undermines the relationship

[macnab]

Sorry for the long title!

I remember reading about a thread where a woman had just reached end point with a husband who did literally nothing around the house. I am now past at that point and could really do with reading through that thread for moral support and guidance.

Thanks in advance

He isn't OK with the kids if he thinks his wife should be the family's skivvy and he is beneath any responsibility in that regard

What kind of message is that to enquiring minds ?

You shouldn't have to put up with this.

Is it worth coming up with a list of what does need to be covered and then talking to him about it?

If he does 0% he won't easily move to 50% first attempt. Would assigning tasks help, so it is clear who does what?

And if he does something unless he has done something dangerous leave it - undermining his 'work' won't encourage him to do more.

If you do his washing, stop. That can be a quick win.

Have you read 'Shattered' that talks about how it all falls to women. It is depressing but v interesting.

I would try to improve communications around your schedule too. I am guessing today he saw the lay-in as part of his 'day off'. You thought he'd see the morning as an opportunity to spend time with the kids...

Does he get paid for all the hours he does? Or is he on a salary with no paid overtime?

Tondelay he is salaried with some extra for out of hours work. But he works crazy hours and it's not a great company to work for in that they don't treat their staff well.
He earns more than double my salary, but our mortgage is crippling so we're never flush. We get by, but have no savings and very little wriggle room. But that's a whole other thread!

So he is working all these hours but it doesn't seem it's with the aim of getting more pay to cover the mortgage and close the equity gap? And he is going away for a day and a night to a sporting event? Which I guess isn't cheap? I know so many of these 'presentee' types - often middle aged men who work stupid hours and get nothing achieved, either personally or professionally. I think a lot of them do it to avoid their responsibilities at home and home altogether.

I think you should look at your finances and see if you can run a household (not necessarily in your present property) without him on your salary. Would that be possible?

You work as well! He's not the only one providing for the family. And tbh, you're doing everything. He comes home at 7- does he help with the DC? He might start coming home later, as they get older and stay up later.

And working from home as well? Really? What work is he doing where he is working all these hours? It all sounds a bit convinient to me, for him. I presume helping the DC with their homework will fall to you as well?

Where is the money going? Is it all into a joint account?

You must be exhausted. And it doesn't surprise me you don't want sex. Not with him anyway. He's got a nerve, really, you're doing everything, and he gets to be lazy, and wants sex! And I wouldn't be doing it to keep him happy either. What's he doing to keep you happy? Tell him you're too tired and he needs to think of a solution. Not you, him.

You are going to go round and round in circles until you snap. You need to look at ways of getting out of this. You have taken on an additional child here.

He is treating you with utter contempt.

If you were able to separate he'd have to look after himself, wouldn't he?

I understand you clearing up after him as you'd have to look at the mess. But stop doing his laundry, any tasks you do for his family (presents, Christmas etc) and anything else you do for him which only he^ benefits from.

*He isn't OK with the kids if he thinks his wife should be the family's skivvy and he is beneath any responsibility in that regard

What kind of message is that to enquiring minds ?*

Quite - it's one thing if parents have their own "areas" of expertise, another if one party does genuinely nothing to keep the house running. Children benefit from a balanced household where responsibilities, if not actual tasks, are shared.

I'm usually loathe to give any 'like it or lump it' advice as everyone's situation is different, but this might be a case where:

"DH, THIS is an ironing board,
THIS is a pile of ironing.
Please connect the dots.
In fact, forget the 'please'"

might just be in order.

Seriously, have you discussed any of this with him?

mcnab there was a long thread in February on this topic, started by Fedupwithmess. Sorry, I can't do links, but you might be able to find it now.

NuckyS I taught my XH how to iron. It didn't make any difference. He preferred to go to work looking fucking awful rather disheveled in unironed shirts. I stopped ironing them when he shoved them in his bag one Sunday evening (he worked away Mon-Fri) and re-creased them. Never did any ironing for him ever again after that.

OP are you ready to change your behaviour?

Because that's what is needed now.

Echo what they all say.

You could put dishes left on the floor in a bin bag. Buy yourself and the DC paper plates and lock them away?

Thank you all for the replies.

I have spoken to him about it, many many times. It used to be that he'd make an effort, of sorts, for a while and then we'd end up back where we started. I'm not even sure he'd make an effort now. I will sit him down again and try to make him see that it's wrong and how much it affects me. I guess I'm worried that he already sees it, but doesn't care
I will make up a list of all the things that need to be done on a regular basis, and get him to pick some that he will commit to doing. I feel crap having to do that though, I shouldn't have to!
The sporting event today isn't costing a huge amount of money to be fair, and he's staying with family. Also there's no issue with me going out and doing my own thing, but I like to run for example and if I'm out running and come home the place is still a tip - he wouldn't think of doing anything whilst I'm out, happy to leave it all for me to come back to. So then I'm even more exhausted because I've all this stuff to do and I've been out for an hour!

he knows it's wrong

he doesn't care how much it affects you

UpNorthAgain

DW has the opposite problem - she has to keep stopping me from ironing stuff cos it's old/full of holes/has a huge tag with DO NOT IRON written on it.

It's not hard to learn stuff like that...

MN Sorry to hear about your problems. I think that simple things like taking his dinner plate and not putting in in the dam dishwasher is really stupid, it takes sod all effort as do small other things. He should do what I have to do cook it and then the washing afterwards!

So to the long hours and the crippling mortgages. I do have a lot of sympathy with you there. I live in an area where house prices are stratospheric and a couple buying a house need to be on over a hundred grand a year!. Unless the bank of mum and dad are assisting with some of that. I know of a few couples where the wife has packed in work to have children and obviously the income 's dropped and indeed the husband is off on the 6.51am train and rarely gets back before 8 or 9 in the evening.

Its a wonder they have any time for love and sex they seem shattered and its not healthy at all. I remember my mum and dad having time for each other as they just had a council house and it seemed they were nowhere near under such money stress as these days.

I know of another couple who were saving for a place of their own and they were almost there, their mortgage approved etc only then some Johnnie furriner comes in and gazumps them with a cash offer 40 K over
the almost impossible asking price.They have no chance now other than private rented accommodation as council and housing society places have waiting lists longer then your arm so what a dismal start to married life.

I know what you mean re the "only does it for a while then its all back as it was" see that all the time! He hasn't got a monopoly on that!.

I suppose counselling will in this instance be a waste of time he should know that things are difficult. OK with the sporting fixture and you should be doing something for yourself too and he should see that but it seems that few do. Seems to me he's in a state of denial about the whole thing his marriage living costs attention to you the works.

But i wonder if just a bit of help with the chores would tip this balance a bit it might just make you feel a bit better to know that he's helping you he's on your side, we're in this together?. Might make you feel better but as you say its of no use if it goes back to square one again. It does seem that it's on its way to the destruct point i.e. a split which will happen one way or the other and that will blow up the whole thing and it will be worse for you both. Is there any possibility of locating somewhere else somewhere cheaper if money is a large factor in this or you come to an arrangement to split and you move elsewhere course many will say why should you but its easier said like many thing's. Is there anyone else around his mum or dad or your parents who might get him to change his ways and attitudes?. Seems that he's not grown up as he ought have done if he needs to be told that.

Its no consolation at all but i bet there thousands more in that position:(

I think I remember the thread you were asking about but not well enough to find it.

I remember the OP saying something like: "He says he'll jump through hoops to please me and make me happy again. But I know what that means is that I will set up the hoops, draw a map of where the hoops are, lead him to the hoops, and lift his legs into the hoops so he can get through them. Then afterwards he'll tell me how he has jumped through hoops for me and how I should be happy now."

Justaboy yes I do feel that if he just helped out a bit more it would tip the scales back. As I said in op I do still love him, just. My worry is that his behaviour shows that he doesn't love me. I certainly don't feel loved. But then he will say he doesn't feel loved either because of lack of sex
He is 43! I don't think there's much point asking his family or friends to have a word, he is beyond that stage I think.
I will certainly be having a discussion with him tomorrow. I need to just think about what I want to say in clear non-emotional points. I have a tendency to get upset when I try to raise the subject which doesn't help.

NuckyS you're perfectly correct; learning to iron isn't difficult. However, you have to want to do it. XH was a very intelligent man (think rocket-scientist type job) but he didn't want to do anything around the house, so he didn't. Ignored rotas, too, if anyone is thinking of suggesting those to the OP.

I like that description balloon slater

Time to plan an exit strategy OP. Yes, you love him, all he loves about you is that you take care of him, the kids and the house. And he can climb aboard if he badgers you sufficiently well.

He's too self centred to consider your feelings in any real way. That would involve him having to change some very long standing and utterly selfish habits.

I am very sorry that things have turned out like this for you

We genuinely can't separate, we are deeply in negative equity on our home and there just isn't the money to fund two households. We absolutely cannot live separately at the moment and that's not likely to change for a number of years. Unless we come into a significant amount of money.

That is crazy talk.

It is simple. You split up. You sell the house. You declare bankruptcy if necessary. Maybe the house gets repossessed.

Bankruptcy is better than being a slave for years and years and years.

Sounds to me like he knows he has you backed into a corner. Why would he change? Why would he earn more? Or save more? Keep you broke, keep you enslaved. Simple.

OP you are making the classic mistake of trying to change him.

He won't change.

You cannot change another person, all you can change is how you respond to them.

There is no point in talking to him. If he doesn't respect you enough to clear up after himself, talking to him isn't going to make the slightest bit of difference.

You need to focus on changing yourself. Are you ready to do that?

even if you can't break up now, you could stop enabling him. just don't do any chores for him. what can he whine about? he's not a child, if he whines, point that out.

RunRabbitRunRabbit You say that and, yes if it were possible then I'm sure it would be an option for macnab but these days and in parts of the country its neigh on impossible to do unless you don't mind a caravan. Where i live a typical three bed semi is now knocking on for 450 to 550 K split that less mortgage and there's nothing you can get for that unless you want to move 20-30 odd miles away then the commuting costs on top of that hence the question if MN would or could consider moving away to somewhere cheaper its a lot of upheaval but we can see shes worried about that which isnt helping the main problem at all, and I think that this extortionate house price issue is causing a knock on effect with stresses that a lot of couples are finding it hard to cope with.

If you want macnab have a look this site it might give you some knowledge of what's to come if it does kick off and you split then you will know more where your likely to stand. You have the upper hand as someone will need to look after the child /children and a home is needed for that the courts will consider the needs of them first and foremost then try to accommodate you the child carer then the husband. Start asking friends if they know if any good solicitors and it looks to me that you'll need one sooner or later.

He ought to realise what's coming to him if he doesn't buck up and change his ways!.

A bit if help around the house is much cheaper than a divorce!.

www.divorce.co.uk/