Just trying to do the right thing by DS :(

[BertieBotts]

I'm so upset. Since just before we got married last year, DH has been talking about adopting my DS. I had been thinking along the same lines as well, but when the relationship was beginning to get serious, I looked into it and found that it isn't as straightforward as the idea might suggest.

So at the time just before our wedding, he brought it up and I explained that I had looked into it and it wasn't that simple (he thought you could just go to an office and do it in one day). I also felt that it was a bit soon,and we should wait and see if XP was really going to not bother to have contact. DH became upset and felt that I didn't really want him to adopt DS. I do - and did! - but I was a bit taken aback by him wanting to do it so soon and wanted to give it more time. I explained I didn't want to just throw away the past and change DS' reality. He was surprised that I'd taken this from what he had said and said of course he wouldnt stop DS seeking out his birth family or stop him seeing his grandparents, etc. I was happy and we agreed to leave it a year or two and reassess.

Now the question has come up again, because we live in Germany and he has to use his legal name for school. XP has said no to changing it so we are looking into options. DH asked me if I was prepared to cut DS' relationship with his paternal grandparents if it's necessary to further our case for adoption /name change. I'm horrified and said no, I'm not prepared to do that. He's now upset that I "don't want him to be DS' proper dad", I feel like he's gone back on his promise. I feel like it's not my call to make to remove DS' relationship with his grandparents!

I feel like I am betraying my DH, but I'm just trying to do the right thing for DS. DH is really hurt that I wouldn't consider it.

I agree with you. I think adoption is great if there is no relationship whatsoever with the other parent or any of their family - but that's not the case here.

If DS father says no, you can't get a court to process an adoption. It won't happen.
You can change your DS surname by deed poll however.

Adoption is efectively a removal of the paternal family's rights. If your ds has relationships with members of his paternal family and his father is involved with him why would that be appropriate? His dad is almost certainly never going to agree to the adoption if he doesn't agree to him using a different name is he? It does sound as though this wouldn't be either appropriate or possible.

Your dh sounds as though he doesn't appreciate the seriousness or the emotional complexity of this - for your ds as much as anything - and is more concerned with his own feelings. He can be a fantastic step dad to your ds but he's not his dad! His suggestion re the paternal grandparents is selfish and controlling.

Re the name change too this again is complex. His name is an important part of ds's identity. Why should he have to change it? You had a choice when you married - if you've changed your name to your dh's then perhaps that is a shame if it means you now have a different name to ds. If ds's name was always different to yours then it won't be a big deal if it carries on being different to yours perhaps?

What do you want to happen and why?

I don't know about in Germany but in England you couldn't just change a child's name by deed poll. If a father has parental responsibility the name change needs the father's permission or permission of the court in an application under the Children Act S13.

Yes, I understand that. I have another thread in legal stuff about that. I wanted to discuss the emotional side really.

DH really is DS's "real dad" in everything that that means, just not biologically or legally. He has NO relationship with his birth father, who hasn't sent so much as a text message or a postcard for four years and no maintenance for five. Irregular, sporadic contact in that last year, too. I've never chased him for money, never blocked contact, never hassled him, never made it hard. We did move, but after two years of non-contact and the decision was nothing to do with making contact hard. I even approached him to suggest Skype contact and dates we'd be home but he ignored me. DH has put a phenomenal amount in to what has not always been an easy situation and I do totally understand why he wants it to be recognised that he is in a fatherly position. XP was barely interested even when he was a baby and we lived together, so it seems absurd that he has power just to go "no. I don't want to see him or support him but no."

The fact of rejecting the paternal family is why I shied away from adoption when he was younger (and that it wouldn't have been appropriate at that point). When DH assured me that he didn't expect DS to break those bonds, I felt relieved. I do want DH to be recognised as important but I just feel like it's not my place to take what little connection he has with the other side of his birth family away. The name, I don't feel he has a strong connection to. It's not a name he knows because we have informally been using the new name. Probably this was a bad idea, but it's done. DH feels really strongly that DS will be distressed and left out when we have more DC if he has a different name.

I also think DH is seeing this as a clear cut thing because his sister adopted children and of course the adoption day itself is much celebrated. I would love to have that, and yes wouldn't it be convenient to sweep the grandparents off the face of the earth, but it's not like that, they are real people, they don't pose a threat to him, they have done nothing wrong. I felt after my previous conversation with DH that we could do the adoption thing and have everything recognised but have the door open as the birth family are still blood,and it's only really one of them anyway, but now I'm not sure that is the case. So I don't know what to do. In any case, this is partly a totally hypothetical argument because it was more "if you had to cut contact with her to prove there is no contact, would you?" and firstly I'm not willing to lie in court but secondly it seems an absurd thing to be normal and I'm not sure he's got it right.

Hmm I just posted but it doesn't seem to have worked. Sorry I left out a pretty relevant bit of info I the op; I was rushing. DS has no relationship with his natural father and doesn't even remember him. He hasn't had contact for four years. Before this it was sporadic, and when we were together, he hardly did anything for him. I used to have to insist that he held him sometimes because u was so worried they weren't bonding. He hasn't paid maintenance in five years (we've been split up since December '09).

When DS was two and a half and still occasionally saw his dad, he used to tell me that my now DH was "a bit like a mummy" because despite having a relationship with his own daddy, he had no concept that a daddy could be like a male version of a mummy. As soon as he started nursery and saw other children with their dads, he made the connection. He's also asked to take one of DH's names as an extra middle name, which wasn't a suggestion we gave him, he just asked us one day if it was something we could make happen.

So, I understand that there is no relationship between your son and his biological father but I'm not clear on the relationship between your son and his paternal grandparents. Your H wants you to cut off contact with them in order to facilitate the adoption process, yes? So, I have two questions. 1.Will cutting off contact with them make any difference to the adoption process or is this just him trying to cut off all contact with the biological father and everyone connected with him? 2. Are the paternal grandparents trying to maintain contact or is this just wishful thinking on your part?

Your DH is already a Dad to your son in all the most important ways. Providing love, security, financial and emotional care, a male role model for him so the only thing the adoption would change is your son's surname. Perhaps your son could change his surname when he is old enough to do so without needing permission from his bio Dad.

Adoption seems to be the wrong legal mechanism here, because it doesn't match the practical reality for your son - he has members of his father's family he knows/sees and there is no need to be ending his legal relationship with say his paternal grandparents.

In English law we now have Special Guardianship and other ways he could acquire parental responsibility for your son, without removing it from his father or undoing the relationships in law with his father's family. I don't know if there's a German equivalent to it, but you'd be best advised to find a lawyer who specialises in this area in Germany.

None of this is about your husband's personal qualities, it's about what's right for the child - adoption as a social construct is dreadfully emotive and unless there aren't other options in German law to it, possibly best worked around.

I think you are doing the right thing, and your DH is his father in all the ways that matter. Just a thought, it is possible in the UK for a child to be known as one surname but legally registered as another. So a child is known as Bob Smith for example on the register, but their legal name is Bob Jones. There are usually a few in each year group (we only tend to notice when submitting coursework and the names don't match up!). Would that be an option in Germany?

You couldn't cut contact with the grandparents to prove there is no contact wit them because it would become apparent that that is what you had done! If there had genuinely been no contact that's one thing but the courts would look into DS relationship with his grandparents and when it became clear that he has had one they would ask some questions about why he is no longer seeing them/why you represented things as if he did not.
Doesn't sound like adoption is the right option here. In the UK there is a special guardianship order that can confer parental responsibility, is there anything like that in Germany?

Special Guardianship Orders are not relevant here as they are specifically for dc who cannot live with their birth parents, which is patently not the case for the OP's ds.

May I ask why you chose to relocate to Germany? Is your dh in the Forces or is he employed full time and long term by a German company? Do you own property in the UK and is it your intention to return at some point?

Is the reality that your DS has a different surname from DH? He will be a proper father to him if he has adopted him or not. Would it make DH feel more comfortable if you all had the same name? You can do it by deed poll, no need to cut anyone out of ds's life, that's not a nice thing to suggest, I hope he really didn't mean it. This must be a stressful time for you. Why don't you explain that the process for adoption is arduous, DS deserves to know his paternal grandparents and ask if a name change would help. I'm sending a little hand hold for you

Just to clarify something uptgread, if you ex has PR, you won't be able to change his name by deed poll. You need consent from all parties with parental responsibility.

Morganly:

This is what I think the upset has come around.

He hasn't said "You must cut contact with them". He's got himself into a panic and said maybe it would be necessary in order to prove there is no connection there. So my first reaction was what? No, why would we manipulate things like that? I don't know enough about the process to be sure, but I am thinking along the lines of what Obsidian said - ie - it would count against us if we DID do something artificial and unnecessary like that. He's afraid that if we get this wrong that the courts are going to remove DS entirely and give him to his father and I can't seem to explain that it doesn't work like that and children aren't some kind of prize.

He doesn't want to cut off contact for possession type reasons. He's said himself that although he doesn't particularly like XMIL she is a nice person and she obviously loves DS. I think that he is panicking and worrying that she will "play dirty" and misrepresent the relationship between DS and her son. I don't think that's likely and I don't know that it would go down in court.

Valancy, I think I will look into that again. My German is not 100% and I explained the situation to the teacher but perhaps she thought I wanted to change the name on the class list/official record, which I understand I can't do but would prefer DS to use the other name in person, like a "known as". I have an email address for her, so I will contact her and ask in more detail. In fact, she said that her daughter is in the same situation, which is reassuring.

I think that DH has his heart set on adoption and is then becoming extremely emotional when I try to explain that it's not necessarily the right legal thing here. I don't think he's angry at me though he has been quite closed off. I do get it - I would be gutted not to be recognised as DS' legal parent, perhaps this is a part that he didn't realise was the case from the beginning.

I've found an agency who I can make an appointment with to discuss the situation in Germany.

Yes the whole discussion happened because I sent a message to XMIL to ask XP if he would agree to changing DS' name and he has said no. Which makes me rage a bit because if you can't be bothered to see your son but you also want to have a say in his life over something which doesn't even affect you... grrr... but anyway. It means we can't do things the nice and smooth and easy way but we will do something.

I can see how your DH feels tbh. He gets to do all the hard work of loving and raising a child but when push comes to shove a man who doesn't do shit gets to make fundamental decisions about him and if anything happens to you, or if you and he split up, then its goodbye ds.

Exactly. Though I would never keep DS away from him if we split. But yep, if I died, I don't think even a will would support that. He wants, and needs, the legal protection. I do think it's fair, just how to go about it.

Bertie, if we are talking about name changes, this might be relevant to your situation:

The whole section (4 pages) might be helpful.

www.eltern.de/beruf-und-geld/recht/patchwork-familien.html

Could you and DH change your name to match DSs?

I can fully understand why you wouldn't want to, but it would get round the problem of not all having the same name, and future children not matching.

I have this situation and DD (now 18) says my DH is her "Dad" the one she wants to walk her down the aisle if she every marries. They know who their real "dad" is without the label or officialdom.

All I can say is encourage your dh not to be insecure, hard though it can be.

Funnily enough, Wild, it did cross my mind I don't think DH would like that idea AT ALL, though. I must say I'm not majorly keen on XP's name and not just because of him, if that makes sense.

Thanks for the link, Floppy - I'll have a look :)

It's really getting me down today :( First day I'm without DS and it's hit me and I'm in floods of tears. DH being really insistent on referring to "your son" (not ours) and has skipped his usual moniker of "My son" when he addresses DS. We haven't really managed to talk about it again. I mentioned that I was going to the social services office here today to talk to them about options but I think that he can't get past that I said I wouldn't cut off the family member if necessary. :(

I don't know what to say to make him see my point of view. I think he's seeing it as black and white as saying that I won't do everything in my power to help him become his legally recognised father and hence I don't care enough about it. But it's not like that! I just don't think it will help, I think manipulating evidence to suit ourselves is wrong and I also think it's a massive cost, which he doesn't.

I don't know what to do :( This has ended up taking up my entire weekend with just feeling sick and headachey and generally not coping well with the anxiety and I've missed reading the documents that I was supposed to deal with over the weekend for DS' first day of school. Perhaps I have been naive to think that being there for DS and doing things for him and having DS himself refer to him as "Daddy" (even if he can't get out of the habit of using his name when he speaks directly to him) would be enough?

Your DH is being a bit immature here. It's absolutely not fair for him to effectively punish your DS for this tricky situation. Plus if he's so keen to sort it out he should be doing the research rather than leaving it all to you.

Could you book a session with an English-language therapist (there must be some in Germany?) to talk through it in a neutral environment?