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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

head tells me to run....

33 replies

OurMiracle1106 · 19/09/2015 18:27

But my heart won't listen. I know he's bad news .I know he's only going to break my heart. Isn't he? I know he has a past .I know all of that. But then why is it I can't pull myself away. we talk daily. I see him as often as I can. I feel safe and protected with him. But he isn't mine .And I'm not his .I want him so bad .

I'm gonna have to deattach aren't i?

OP posts:
DevonFolk · 19/09/2015 18:28

Is he married? What's his past?

Original poster
OurMiracle1106 · 19/09/2015 18:34

Not married . Has been in prison . Jealous .Possessive (his words) when attached to someone.

My mind tells me to run. But my heart is saying he knows he has these issues he's getting help for them .He has the ability to change

OP posts:
CocoChanel22 · 19/09/2015 18:36

No advice because I'm in pretty much the same position Sad

But yes we should run! Flowers for you!

tribpot · 19/09/2015 18:39

He has the ability to change

Then wait until he has.

It strikes me he's telling you his problems up front so that later on he can say 'you knew what you were getting into'. Possessive is code for abusive.

MakStout · 19/09/2015 18:40

Dont trust someone who describes themselves as jealous and possesive, they arent acknowledging their problems, they are covering their back so that if they kick off down the lines they can go "well you know what im like, i told you" and blame you for not knowing better.

Why was he in prison?

Original poster
OurMiracle1106 · 19/09/2015 18:47

I never planned to get emotionally attached .But looks like I have anyway. I don't even know what we are .We aren't together .But we spend a lot of time together .He stays over at mine .

OP posts:
Original poster
OurMiracle1106 · 19/09/2015 18:49

He is seeking counselling for his issues. Its not just him saying it. I should run .

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 19/09/2015 18:53

Make alternative plans, call a friend /relative and arrange something that takes you from your home, and leave your phone at home. Make yourself genuinely unavailable and otherwise occupied. Keep doing it. You need to break the habit that has been formed, it isn't set in stone.

goddessofsmallthings · 19/09/2015 20:40

Unless he was found guilty of committing a serious crime it would be unusual for a first time offender to receive a custodial sentence and he may have a long history of offending.

What has he told you he was in prison for, when was he released, and how long was the sentence? It could be that he was released into the community on licence part way through his sentence and is still serving time in that he will be subject to recall to prison if he offends again or fails to comply with the terms of the licence.

Is he working? Do you have dc? Have you considered evoking Clare's Law to ascertain whether he is a threat to women and children?

Regardless of what your vagina heart is saying, if your head's telling you he's bad news run for the hills.

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11369454/Clares-Law-Find-out-if-your-partner-has-a-history-of-abuse.html

cozietoesie · 19/09/2015 20:47

I was thinking Claire's Law myself, goddess.

Have you got anyone in real life who you can talk to, Our?

cozietoesie · 19/09/2015 20:50

*Clare's Law.

(And, Our, you should try to read about why the legislation was framed. That would give you some motivation.)

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/09/2015 20:58

Yes, you have to detach.

And maybe do the Freedom Programme.

iMatter · 19/09/2015 21:03

He sounds like a nightmare tbh.

What would you tell your best friend? Your daughter?

Run a mile.

Rozalia · 19/09/2015 21:05

My STBXH told me he was "protectively possessive" when we were dating. Ah, he wanted to look after me.

Within a few years I was walking round with my eyes cast down in case I inadvertently made eye contact with someone. I'd had back-handers across the face because an elderly man patted my shoulder. My mail, phone calls and emails were scrutinised and I was so afraid of him I didn't know how to get away.

Run away. Listen to your head. It's better at thinking than the rest of your organs put together. He's told you who he is. You won't change him.

Then do the freedom programme to understand why you're so powerfully attracted to what sounds like a potentially dangerous man.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/09/2015 21:09

You know what you should do, but for whatever reason have decided not to do it (for now).

So, protect yourself as best you can;

Don't intermingle finances.

Don't loan him money or expensive items.

Don't be a guarantor for anything.

Don't allow him to get you involved in anything or with anyone 'shady'.

Don't let him move in with you and don't move in with him.

Don't let him isolate you from your friends because you will need them when this goes tits up.

Don't have unprotected sex.

Don't allow him to lay hands on you in anger or abuse you in any way.

I've been there with an old boyfriend who was a bit 'shady'. No prison, just 'shady'. I emerged a bit worse for wear & a bit poorer but basically OK because of the above guidance from a good friend.

goddessofsmallthings · 19/09/2015 21:14

Flowers for you Rozalia. Well done for breaking free of the prison your stbx put you in.

Lweji · 19/09/2015 21:14

He has the ability to change

Then wait until he has

This.

He is telling you what he IS, not what he was like.
Before you know it, you may be too deep and it's even more difficult. What if you got pregnant?

Original poster
OurMiracle1106 · 20/09/2015 11:43

Feeling more head strong today. I've ignored his calls (instead I went for a run, which is much healthier). I'm going to do some cleaning later when I next get a call. And just keep being busy.

Yesterday it was all very fresh and new .I want to see the best in him .But I tried that with my now ex husband and ended up abused. I Don't want to have been through hell over the last 5 years getting out of that relationship only to choose to go back to it.

My heart may well Care far too much for him. But my head on this one has to win. My heart just needs a little more time to accept it

OP posts:
Rozalia · 20/09/2015 13:52

Good for you Miracle. Keep it up. Your right about not wanting to go from one abusive relationship to another. I did that. Left first husband and was totally taken in by second husband's act.

This last 7 months are the first time in my whole life I haven't been being abused by a significant person in my life. That's over 50 years. Break the pattern, educate yourself about abusers.

Don't answer that phone. He'll soon find another victim.

Hissy · 20/09/2015 15:17

Unless we address the issues that led us to the first abusive relationship, the only kinds of relationships that pique our interests are those that feel a little familiar.

When we've been abused, our familiar is the abuse.

My love, you know the stakes, so I know you will make the right decision,

This man is showing you who he is. He's not the one for you.

Rozalia · 20/09/2015 15:28

Hissy is so right. Personally I'm avoiding any new relationships for the foreseeable future. I'm crap at choosing men and simply don't trust myself. I also absolutely love living here alone -except for the ninja teenage son.

I know he's living here too, food vanishes from the fridge. I just never see it happen.

Focus on you and your children. That's what's important now.

Original poster
OurMiracle1106 · 20/09/2015 15:39

I know the stakes. I know the signs. All of them. My eyes are wide open to them and up until we had that conversation he hasn't displayed any of them. I'm more confused with myself now than I was before. Two and a half years of therapy and I'm no wiser? Really? Well maybe I am cos I'm distancing now .Before he's hurt me. I haven't waited for it to happen.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 20/09/2015 15:48

Be strong Miracle. Write down some of the worst things he's done or said (maybe 5 or 10?) and the way it made you feel. Then just put that list somewhere. Then, if you are feeling at all weak or find yourself just thinking about the 'good times' take that list out and read it to yourself as a reminder.

goddessofsmallthings · 20/09/2015 16:04

Please be careful, OP. There have been many cases of women who felt "safe and protected" only to meet with serious injury and worse when they became victims of their ex-con partners.

Hissy · 20/09/2015 16:16

There is no short cut to getting yourself out of the vulnerable stage. We need to learn to trust again. Trust ourselves, our instincts and other people, and men.

The only way to trust again is to risk again, but we do it in manageable steps.

OP the courage it takes to get out of an abusive relationship is similar to the amount of courage we need to open our hearts and minds to others. You've done the therapy, you've healed a great deal, but now you have to learn to listen to yourself, and to trust yourself.

It's easy to berate yourself here, but by posting at all you have shown that you are aware that something isn't right and an outside opinion might be of use.

The old you, the pre abuse/therapy you would have dived right in...

Give yourself the credit for this, your stronger than you thought!

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