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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is an arse!

48 replies

rockabillyruby82 · 19/09/2015 00:08

This evening DH comes home, dinner is in the oven. He's laying on the sofa so I give him a cuddle, he than starts getting randy, putting his hand down my front, kissing. All well and good, except for it being wrong time/place/EVERYTHING!
We have a DS who's 2 and was running amok, dinner was in the oven and I'm working a waking night tonight. Add to that the fact that I have been home the last few nights and each night he has been on his computer from when he gets home until 2am. I am also 16 weeks pregnant and fairly exhausted.
I didn't push him away, I just said it wasn't the best time and he gets annoyed with me!
We've had arguments about intimacy before and TBH it's just predictable now, to the point that sometimes I'm scared to say no in case it causes an argument.
Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Anomaly · 19/09/2015 04:31

You should never feel scared to say no. I'd agree your DH is an arse he sounds abusive if you're getting to the point where you feel obliged to have sex to prevent arguments. Its a major problem in your relationship and will make you feel completely shit. He's not considering your feelings at all. Is that him generally?

SnakesandKnives · 19/09/2015 04:42

'We've had arguments about intimacy before and TBH it's just predictable now, to the point that sometimes I'm scared to say no in case it causes an argument.'

As anomaly says you should NEVER feel that.....if he is making you feel scared then he is way out of order in every respect.

Out of interest...how do you give someone a cuddle when they're lying in the sofa without kinda lying down with them? Not remotely excusing what then sounds like very bad behaviour but could he feel you've given a mixed signal in this instance?

Original poster
rockabillyruby82 · 19/09/2015 04:51

He has a very high sex drive, always has had. At the start of our relationship we were like rabbits (as most people do), we've been together 5 years now and he thinks we should still be like that.
It's not that he doesn't consider my feelings, it's more that he doesn't understand or want to understand how tiring it is working waking nights, looking after a toddler and home and being pregnant. We nearly separated over this not long ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
rockabillyruby82 · 19/09/2015 04:55

No, it was innocent. DH was laying down trying to coax DS into having a cuddle. DS ran off and I said 'Well I'll cuddle daddy than', DS had a cuddle with us than ran off again.

OP posts:
DontDrinkandFacebook · 19/09/2015 05:09

Well he could hardly expect a shag while there was a two year old in and out of the room anyway, could he? Hmm

He's being ridiculous.

Original poster
rockabillyruby82 · 19/09/2015 05:18

He does though, frequently! I've given in and had a quickie leaving our DS alone to appease him. He doesn't get abusive if I decline his advances but he has stormed away, ignored me before.
Like I said, I don't mind a fumble on the sofa but I know he wants it to lead to more and will get frustrated when it doesn't.

OP posts:
WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 19/09/2015 05:36

When you were having this quickie could your 2 year old have come in and seen?

Scarydinosaurs · 19/09/2015 05:57

It IS abusive- storming off and silence is emotional abuse.

Original poster
rockabillyruby82 · 19/09/2015 06:40

No

OP posts:
DontDrinkandFacebook · 19/09/2015 09:16

How do you know though? Short of locking him his room while you have sex, how do you know?

pinkyredrose · 19/09/2015 09:20

Storming off and ignoring you IS abusive! This talk of 'giving in to avoid arguments' is very sad, sex should be a mutually desired and enjoyed experience, not given from one partner to another to shut them up, much like giving a whiny child a sweet.

Penfold007 · 19/09/2015 09:23

Your in an abusive relationship but you already know that. What do you want to do about it.

CocktailQueen · 19/09/2015 09:29

Ow can you feel emotionally close to someone who spends evenings on his computer and not doing much around the house, who sulks or storms off when he doesn't get his own way, and who can't understand that you're tired and why?? Has he always lacked empathy?

As pps have said, you should never be scared to say no.

How is he with everything else - your dc, etc?

BrianButterfield · 19/09/2015 10:13

He's making you neglect your child so he can have sex? That's abusive to both of you.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 19/09/2015 10:20

She isn't being made to neglect her child, where on earth was that suggested? I don't think having sex in one room while a small child is awake in another and free to wander in is ideal, but leaving a child to its own devices while (safely) in another room for 15 or 20 minutes is hardly neglect, is it?

And he hasn't been 'abusive' maybe just spoilt and sulky.

If he doesn't understand why fumbles on the sofa can't lead to more when there is a toddler to be taken care of, then he needs to sort his priorities out, but I think it's a bit far fetched at this stage to suggest that he is abusive.

pictish · 19/09/2015 10:22

OP for god's sake - no one...like none of us are jumping on for a shag at tea time while our kids are running around!
He is preposterous. And a creep.

BrianButterfield · 19/09/2015 10:32

Normally when you leave a child to its own devices you are alert and listening out - when cooking etc you pop through, call out to them, generally tune in to them, especially a 2 year old. Shagging kind of precludes those things, so yes I think it is neglectful.

BrianButterfield · 19/09/2015 10:33

"If he doesn't understand why fumbles on the sofa can't lead to more when there is a toddler to be taken care of..."

he is a GROWN ADULT. Of course he understands. He just doesn't care.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 19/09/2015 10:36

I am not advocating it, not by a long shot as can be seen by my posts above where I questioned whether the child might walk in.

But I think it's a bit of flipping stretch to say that the situation amounts to an abusive man forcing her to neglect her child.

BrianButterfield · 19/09/2015 10:41

But it's not a stretch at all.

"I've given in and had a quickie leaving our DS alone to appease him. "

She's having sex she doesn't want, reluctantly leaving her child unsupervised, all because HE wants it. Both OP and her child are suffering because of him. How is this not abusive? And I'm not a knee-jerk 'abuse' poster, either. This has just shocked me as OP seems to think it is normal. It really really isn't.

frankbough · 19/09/2015 10:43

Lol, me and Mrs Bough have both been randy whilst the kids are around, nothing wrong with mummy and daddy being close and showing intimacy whilst the young'uns are in the house...

Just wait till they catch you at it.. loool..

RandomSocks · 19/09/2015 10:55

I've given in and had a quickie leaving our DS alone to appease him.

So, you have had sex when you didn't really want to, left DS alone against your better judgement, and done this to appease your DH? Why do you need to "appease" your DH?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 19/09/2015 10:57

No, you are not over-reacting. His wants and needs do not always over-ride yours. It's perfectly reasonable to decide that right now and right here is not the time or the place to be being intimate.

And he IS punishing you by being moody and annoyed when you won't give in to his wishes. It's patently clear that he doesn't care what you want, as long as you go along with what he decides. A "high sex-drive" is just an excuse to use you as he sees fit. Think on that for a moment.

OddlyLogical · 19/09/2015 11:00

no one...like none of us are jumping on for a shag at tea time while our kids are running around!
I have been known to!
A quickie can be 5 minutes. A toddler is going to be fine for a few minutes - it's definitely not neglectful.
But if you don't want to, then stroppy behaviour from him is just pathetic and childish. He needs to grow up. And you should never have sex to avoid conflict - the conflict from a 'no' should never happen.

Original poster
rockabillyruby82 · 19/09/2015 15:28

Thank you all for posting and affirming that I'm not ridiculous! (I have been called this before) I've just woken up.
So I agree that in a way this could be conceived as emotional abuse but I have witnessed people and my sister being emotionally abused for years and if I felt for a moment I was in that kind of relationship I would get out. This isn't effecting mine or my child's wellbeing.
When we have had sex leaving our DC unattended it has been very quick, 10 mins tops, he has been safe and I have been listening out for him and I have stopped it once when I heard DC crying.
My concern and frustration is firstly, his timing. I work 3 nights a week and most nights I'm home he sits at his computer all evening, doesn't come to bed with me and I do feel neglected and lonely. I have told him this, it's made no difference. He has so many opportunities to get intimate with me but doesn't and it pissed me off yesterday evening that he chose such a crap time to initiate sex.
As well as feeling neglected I don't feel appreciated most of the time, I work, look after DC, look after home, cook, clean, he doesn't help around the home at all. Again, I have spoken to him about this I've even left jobs (left washing up in the sink for 2 days when he said he'd do it and haven't picked up his dirty washing for weeks) It has made no difference.
He just seems to do what he wants, when he wants, he's in his own little world and blames me for any problems in our marriage.

OP posts:
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