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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DH is an arse!

48 replies

rockabillyruby82 · 19/09/2015 00:08

This evening DH comes home, dinner is in the oven. He's laying on the sofa so I give him a cuddle, he than starts getting randy, putting his hand down my front, kissing. All well and good, except for it being wrong time/place/EVERYTHING!
We have a DS who's 2 and was running amok, dinner was in the oven and I'm working a waking night tonight. Add to that the fact that I have been home the last few nights and each night he has been on his computer from when he gets home until 2am. I am also 16 weeks pregnant and fairly exhausted.
I didn't push him away, I just said it wasn't the best time and he gets annoyed with me!
We've had arguments about intimacy before and TBH it's just predictable now, to the point that sometimes I'm scared to say no in case it causes an argument.
Am I over reacting?

OP posts:

Original poster

rockabillyruby82 · 19/09/2015 15:36

No Don'tdrink, I'd NEVER neglect my DC.
And yeah, I'd say he is more spoilt and sulky than abusive. He is the youngest of 3 and was spoilt by his mother growing up. His reactions when he doesn't get his way are definitely that of a child throwing a tantrum!

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 19/09/2015 15:44

He's an abusive, revolting arse and leaving a two year old "running amok" unsupervised so you can shag is horrible parenting.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 19/09/2015 15:48

Does he have any good points?

Original poster

rockabillyruby82 · 19/09/2015 15:53

He's a great daddy, DS adores him. He is a very attentive lover, the sex we have is great! I just want it to be at a more convenient time!
He's fun to be around when he's not on his computer or being a dick.

OP posts:

RandomSocks · 19/09/2015 16:00

The computer has to go.

Original poster

rockabillyruby82 · 19/09/2015 16:08

I wish that were an option! He needs it for work, he occasionally has to work from home and does the odd freelance job to earn extra cash. I did insist on him having a 'man cave', this was fine for a while until it put a lot of pressure on us what with him being in there all the time and us never being in the same room for longer than a few minutes.
He moved it into the dining room last month.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 19/09/2015 18:42

You say your well being isn't being affected but you also said earlier that you're scared to say no. Plus he sulks, is spoilt and does fuck all in the house. Why is this? Where does he think meals and clean clothes come from. The way you write OP makes it sound like you haven't had a healthy adult relationship ever so you've accepted the way he is as normal. Is that right?

Basically he's treating you like a domestic appliance with a vagina attachment. This will be your life for as long as you're with him

CocktailQueen · 19/09/2015 19:04

How can he be a 'great daddy' if he's showing your ds such a crap example? Your ds will grow up and think this is how to treat women! Do you want that?

And he's 'fun to be around'? I ask a bit more from my dh - equality, feeling listened to, respected, sharing the housework and other stuff that has to be done, not just having fun with the dc.

He doesn't care about spending time with you or making you happy - just having a shag when HE wants it. Yuk.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/09/2015 21:47

He does nothing around the house, he won't have sex at times that suit you, he plays on his computer instead of taking care of his house and family or even giving you attention. You've told him all of this is affecting you, he doesn't give a shit and carries on being selfish. He sulks. He would happily have sex with you when he knows you don't really want it.

He just seems to do what he wants, when he wants, he's in his own little world and blames me for any problems in our marriage.

How on earth can you say that you are not in an emotionally abusive relationship?!

cailindana · 20/09/2015 07:30

A great daddy? If you behaved the way he behaves your child would have no food, no clean clothes and would probably die from neglect. How is that good parenting???

pinkyredrose · 20/09/2015 08:10

What Calindana said.

Original poster

rockabillyruby82 · 20/09/2015 08:27

You're all right, I've told him I feel like a maid. We had a few talks last month where he said I don't take an interest in what he does. I told him that I don't because I'm frustrated and pissed at him for not helping or appreciating me. I got a sorry but nothing has changed.
I definitely need to have a serious talk with him about this. Knowing him he'll throw it all back in my face! Maybe I should start writing him lists?
The thing is he can't look after himself, he likes to think he could.
For example, last week he was going to hockey training. I told him to let me know if he wants me to stick a jacket potato in the oven ready for when he gets back. He came home and said not to worry, he'll sort his tea. You know what he ate? The remainder of the tuna mayo I made! That's it!!
Sometimes I feel like I'm losing the will to live, DS is easy to look after and tidy up after. DH is the difficulty!

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 20/09/2015 08:33

Acting spoilt and sulky is abusive! And a great daddy? Really? He pressures you into fucking when your toddler is shut in another room and that's a great daddy? Get out of here.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 20/09/2015 08:42

Let him eat tuna mayo! Not your problem. He's an adult.

rainbowstardrops · 20/09/2015 08:53

I obviously don't know this man and therefore I can't comment on his good points does he have any ? but seriously, why do you put up with this? He sounds incredibly hard maintenance OP
You need to sit him down and MAKE him listen. Good luck

earlyriser · 20/09/2015 09:00

I suspect he is engineering a situation where he initiates sex at a knowingly inconvenient time just so he can have a go at you for refusing. Hence why he doesn't initiate it when he knows you would be up for it- there would be no challenge then and no opportunity for him to accuse you of of neglecting his needs.
It really looks like he has you exactly where he wants you.

Egghead68 · 20/09/2015 09:07

He sounds revolting and you need to wise up.

Original poster

rockabillyruby82 · 20/09/2015 10:02

That's interesting, I've never thought of that. We don't tend to argue, if we do it's about intimacy.
I realise I'm a walkover, I need to stop doing things because it's easier than asking him to.

OP posts:

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/09/2015 10:09

Wow, just reading this great makes my skin crawl. How can you bear to be intimate with him? He comes across as quite repulsive.

WhoreGasm · 20/09/2015 10:21

Oh dear. Have to agree with earlyriser and I'm usually pretty clued up on relationship dynamics.

He's deliberately picking the moment, knowing you are very likely to object. Then he can sulk and you will feel guilty and want to appease him.

It probably gives him an extra frisson, getting you to have sex when he knows you don't really want to. Makes him feel powerful etc. Yuck.

He's playing you like a violin sweetie.

pictish · 20/09/2015 11:22

He would happily have sex with you when he knows you don't really want it.

This alone should make you sit up and take note. Is that a nice man? A caring partner? Or is that a self serving, dispassionate taker of fucking liberties?
He bullies you in the most intimate way when you are most vulnerable, smashing down the appropriate boundaries you have every right to have, taking what he thinks you owe him or punishing you for not.

The guy is an anus.

DaemonPantalaemon · 20/09/2015 12:32

He is a very attentive lover, the sex we have is great

This would be the 10 minute or under sex that you are having while your kids are "running amok"?

If this is him being an attentive lover, and this is your idea of great sex, then lady, your bar is disturbingly low.

Nanny0gg · 20/09/2015 16:43

He's a great daddy, DS adores him. He is a very attentive lover, the sex we have is great! I just want it to be at a more convenient time! He's fun to be around when he's not on his computer or being a dick.

Now read your posts again and find anywhere that backs up that statement.
Nope. You can't. Apart from the part about him being a dick. There's lots of evidence for that.

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