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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling with new life, moved in with partner and 4 kids!

54 replies

Thatslife72 · 18/09/2015 17:03

In the last few weeks I have moved to a new area with my 2 children, my partner has 2 children also who seem to be living with him/us more and more. The children get on well 90% of the time and we do lots of things together. My partner I love he is lovely and I know he loves me, but I am struggling. We have bought a house together and have an equal share so things are balanced as far as that is concerned, but we're on his patch if you like, he has his friends and family and I have no one close by. I knew there would be times we would side with our own kids but his mum also sides with his kids and expects us to have his all the time as mine are here all the time, but she doesn't realise how hard it is sometimes, doing 3 separate school runs, cooking for 6 people every night making sure everyone is ok and homework done etc. dealing with tantrums etc etc. also the 1 night a week their mother picks them up from school and sees me she is quite rude to me, not with words but looks and keeping her children away from me etc. it's all getting to me really. I don't understand why she doesn't want her children more either! Is this normal! I'm hoping things will get better. I've joined some groups locally too in the hope of meeting new friends etc maybe I will feel better once I have my own support group here. I'm just so tired. I thought it was hard being a single mum lol! Just needed to get it off my chest"

OP posts:

APlaceOnTheCouch · 18/09/2015 17:12

You sound tired.

If it's only been a few weeks, there is lots of adjusting going on. I'm sure it will settle in time but it's probably also a good time to work out some ground rules eg decide with your DP how often you are going to have his DCs. It doesn't sound as though you have full custody so I'm not sure why his ex is sending the DCs to you all the time. And as for the 'argument' that you have to have them because your DCs live with you. Well, that's just what happens when people have new partners. It's not a tit for tat situation. Of course, he wants to spend time with them but can you try to formalise it so you know when you are going to have them and can work out a routine for school runs, etc.

Also, get your DP to support you in establishing boundaries with his mum. She shouldn't be that involved in your life that her taking sides is becoming an issue.

Joining local groups is a good idea. You need to have some time to remind yourself of who you are as an individual, not just as your DP's partner. It will also help you to build new friendships.

Make sure your DP is pulling his weight. He should be helping you to adjust and taking into account that you're feeling swamped with demands and adrift from support.

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 18/09/2015 17:52

Hi aplaceonthecouch thanks for your reply. It's difficult because our house is nearer to their school, so they like being here. They used to have joint custody but that's slowly moving to them being here all the time, the older one especially pushes to be here more and their mum seems to encourage it. I do like his girls a lot I really care for them, I do their washing take them out shopping etc, hug them when their sad cook for them, all the things a mum does but at the end of the day I'm not their mum and I think they need their mum. My dp tells his dd that has to see her mum sometimes and she can't just do what she wants. His mum their nan doesn't understand this, some others probably wouldn't either, it just puts a strain on us when they are all here. Mine have always been with me full time and still see their dad. His have always stayed with both parents equally until the last year or so and now it's getting more and more. Phone calls when we're doing something can she come home, her mum encourages it. But whatever happens we always look the bad ones. We were the ones sorting out all the uniforms for school etc. ohhh im just waffling lol

OP posts:

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 18/09/2015 21:30

I think it upset me today, that their mum was a bit rude to e in front of them, but I haven't done anything wrong. I look after her children,naked them to school etc.ni don't understand what she thinks I've done. Is it like a defence thing I wonder?

OP posts:

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 18/09/2015 21:33

I meant take them to school, sorry my iPad seems to of changed what I typed!!

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 18/09/2015 21:35

Children cannot decide what is best for them. Insist they stay at their mothers house on certain days of the week and stick to it without fail.

The boundaries will be good for you, your marriage, the children and their relationship with their mother.

Personally I would hate to go for two to four DC full time with no personal agreement. Put your foot down.

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 18/09/2015 22:02

I personally think it's better for everyone if they stay a few nights a week at their mums at least. Just his mum, the dd's nan is putting pressure on and doesn't really get the bigger picture. I also find it hard she defends her grand children over mine, even though I understand it. We have no family here so just have his, it's hard !

As much as I like his children, I find it hard with all 4 of them. I hope that doesn't sound too selfish ??

OP posts:

Atenco · 18/09/2015 22:10

Are you a SAHM? It sounds like you have to do everything.

I certainly think that your DP's mum should butt out, your children should not be discriminated against in their own house.

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 18/09/2015 22:46

Bi actually have my own business, but with moving I haven't really put a lot into it yet, buti will only be part time! My dip does help quite a lot when he can but he works full time . Oh and did I mention the dog, he has to be walked too, I've taken him on too bless him

OP posts:

OneDay103 · 18/09/2015 23:12

How did it all work before moving in together? What arrangements did your'll have that to manage all this?

Cabrinha · 18/09/2015 23:20

No, not "bless him".
FGS, toughen up! Get your rules in place and stick to them.

It sounds like some things should have been sorted before you bought a house together. I'm that with 4 kids between you, that you didn't rent together first!

This dog... someone was walking it before muggins arrived. And his kids' washing... someone was doing that too!

Make sure your BF tells his mum to STFU - and mean it. I am deadly serious when I say if he won't support you on that, leave. You can't let her pick on your kids.

His kids... well, that's the deal I think - you always ran the risk that they'd move in full time. Accept it and find the rules to make it work - or accept that this relationship is not for you.

Decide when the kids are with their mum (preferably same time as yours go to your ex) and stick to it

Stop wasting YOUR time on his school runs, his dog, his kids' washing and start building up your bloody business! Somebody was doing the school run, walking the dog and washing clothes before you ever moved in. Why have you just put your career and income second to his domestic drudgery?!!!

Wake up, sort it out now.
And if he's sold you a pup, end it.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 18/09/2015 23:22

Sounds like everyone is competing for your DH to be theirs. His dc can't miss out while yours are there.

Isetan · 19/09/2015 04:31

This isn't an Ex or a MIL issue, it's a partner issue. Fact is, when you weren't there his children stayed less because their father wasn't available, it's seems very strange too damn convenient that weeks after you move in, you've borne the brunt of the grunt work for caring for his children.

It's a shame it's come to this but this is what happens when you don't assert yourself when you live with someone who is oblivious to his responsibilities takes the piss. If your partners kids stay more, then your partner needs to be available more or he should have the decency to discuss increases/ changes in your responsibilities.

It's time to have a sit down and start discussing things (childcare, money, pets etc and how you plan to tackle household changes/ decisions in the future.

rainbowstardrops · 19/09/2015 05:27

I was thinking exactly what Cabrinha said. Who was doing all these things before you moved in???
You really do need to sit your partner down and tell him this isn't what you signed up for.

Cabrinha · 19/09/2015 08:32

Your boyfriend's done rather well gaining a housekeeper, childminder and dogwalker - without having to move areas.

You should write two lists - all the ways his life changed for the better/easier. And your list.

Then set about some serious rebalancing.

Original poster

Thatslife72 · 19/09/2015 09:43

Well this is what I'm thinking really, I also got invited out next week, but he said I need to leave some tea for them all, with everything else I have planned that day I can't be bothered! But for his birthday his brother bought him tickets to the rugby for 2 evenings, guess will be staying in looking after the kids???!!!!

OP posts:

sofato5miles · 19/09/2015 09:44

He said what?! Time to start redressing the peer balance. You sound like Cinderella

BIWI · 19/09/2015 09:46

You are being used here I'm afraid. Time to get tough and stand your ground. You shouldn't be the one doing all the cooking or dog walking!

Cabrinha · 19/09/2015 10:05

You've moved to a whole new area, presumably mainly for HIS convenience? And you get a chance to go out and start the build your life there, and he wants his tea on the table? Fuck me.
And you're putting up with that?
He should be really pleased you're settling. If you say "I'll leave tea for you..." he should be saying "love, no! I'm on it - go have fun!"

There was a poster a few months back, had moved in together with a man - and he was stroppy about her visiting student son. That thread was a blast of fresh air, because she basically said "fucking hell, that was a mistake - he's out of here". And did it.

You absolutely MUST sort out the ground rules now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/09/2015 10:15

Its all on his terms really and probably throughout much of your relationship as well.

What do you get out of this relationship?. Think you;ve been sold a pipe dream.

I would seriously consider moving back out. He may well resist to you insisting on further change because this now suits him down to the ground.

magoria · 19/09/2015 10:19

Lol you have been screwed.

Moving in together means you now get to cook, clean and do for 6 people even when you are not there.

Moving in together means he no longer cooks, cleans or does for anyone even himself and he has a built in babysitter on top.

I can't get why you feel knackered, fed up and taken for a fool/for granted.

That is because you are.

I hope you nailed the finances before you moved in together.

You need a shape up family talk before it is too late.

He and his DC won't want change as it is all lovely for them.

What are you prepared to do?

0dfod · 19/09/2015 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 19/09/2015 10:32

As for his ex.

How would you feel it your ex got a new P who played Mary Poppins to your DC and lived closer to school/school mates and the DC decided to stay there more?

You would hurt like he'll but let them go as gracefully as you could. The dirty look could be hurt.

Don't forget she lived with this man now treating you as a servant. How do you think she was treated? Who do you think she knows is doing the parent role?

I could be wrong but that is how I would feel.

bakingaddict · 19/09/2015 10:41

I concur with what everybody else has said......you are being taken for a fool. You need to start asserting your own authority otherwise you will be everyone's doormat for years to come. You need ground rules and boundaries for his children and mother to adhere to. His mother has no right to dictate how much his kids stay, you need to get that established straight away otherwise she may become a huge interfering presence in your life. I have a domineering MIL and she has often overstepped boundaries but she is better now as basically I said that if she wasn't going to respect me and how I do things in my house then she wasn't welcome to visit

Tell your DP that no you won't be getting dinner ready for everybody before you go on a night out. It's his responsibility as a father and stepfather to feed all the kids when your not available. He must have been able to feed his kids before you came along

rainbowstardrops · 19/09/2015 10:44

He said what??? Yeah right! You need a 'chat' with him ASAP!

Wewereneverbeingboring · 19/09/2015 10:48

You said in your opening post that your partner is lovely - how exactly is he lovely? All too often lovely equates to saying all the right things but when it comes to the crunch they do sod all for you where actual real life effort is involved.

I agree that you are being used.

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