Struggling with new life, moved in with partner and 4 kids!

[Thatslife72]

In the last few weeks I have moved to a new area with my 2 children, my partner has 2 children also who seem to be living with him/us more and more. The children get on well 90% of the time and we do lots of things together. My partner I love he is lovely and I know he loves me, but I am struggling. We have bought a house together and have an equal share so things are balanced as far as that is concerned, but we're on his patch if you like, he has his friends and family and I have no one close by. I knew there would be times we would side with our own kids but his mum also sides with his kids and expects us to have his all the time as mine are here all the time, but she doesn't realise how hard it is sometimes, doing 3 separate school runs, cooking for 6 people every night making sure everyone is ok and homework done etc. dealing with tantrums etc etc. also the 1 night a week their mother picks them up from school and sees me she is quite rude to me, not with words but looks and keeping her children away from me etc. it's all getting to me really. I don't understand why she doesn't want her children more either! Is this normal! I'm hoping things will get better. I've joined some groups locally too in the hope of meeting new friends etc maybe I will feel better once I have my own support group here. I'm just so tired. I thought it was hard being a single mum lol! Just needed to get it off my chest"

Hmmmmm - I'm never sure whether it's OK to read previous threads. I did it in a spirit of understanding the dynamics, not to pick at things. It's been 3 years and you say you communicate well - so that's good to hear.

But... The kids already spent so much time with their dad that he decided to stop paying their mother maintenance.

So - I don't think you have much of a leg to stand on about them being at yours all the time. You knew this before you moved in. He pays no maintenance and your address is their school and GP address.

MIL sounds like an interference - but she's not wrong about the kids being with you most of the time.

You can of course change your mind - but I think you should try to make it work, given that you did actually know what you were getting into.

But making it work means putting your foot down, NOW.

Easy for me to jump on the dog walking - you probably offered in that flush of helpfulness we often think is am expression of love or kindness.

But the demanding tea to be left for 5 when you're going out? Very very worrying attitude. Your and his elder child are old enough at 11/12 to feed the children, dog walk and do laundry, btw.

Don't be a mug!

This is another thread which I read and am staggered the OP does not realise how much she is being used and taken for granted. It makes for frustrating reading. But on some level I imagine you knew it is not okay don't you?

Please listen to the good advice given on this thread and stop this ridiculous dynamic. Swiftly.

Well it's only been 3 weeks, I'm hoping it's just teething problems, I guess I feel I should be doing most of the home stuff as he is paying for everything at the moment. He does help with the school run sometimes and his mum has offered. We have always had a very strong relationship and he has confided in me as to how their mother moved out of the area and wasn't really interested in having the children, he tried to encourage her to have them but even when she was suppose to be picking them up from school, she very often didn't turn up. Hence he has been the main parent since they split. I think now we have my children here most of the time, his children feel like they are missing out on something. My dp did say he's not having his children dictate to us when they stay, but their mother is so weak when it comes to wanting them.

I'm just finding it hard caring for 4 children, and him, having his family and friends around but none of mine. It's a bit unbalanced at the moment, but I am strong left relationships before so I won't put up with shit for long. I will go out and leave him all 4 kids, I have been invited to another one in October so that is in my diary! I also had a day out today with some of my old friends which did me good. We have no kids this weekend so it's more chilled out and he has gone to watch football with some mates, and actually I'm looking forward to a night on my own ??. It's good to have people's opinions though. Oh and actually I quite enjoy taking the dog for a walk as it's lovely around here, I'm just finding it hard to fit it all in that's all. Feet up tonight though.

I do need some ideas on how to bring all this up though?!

I've been in your situation (to a point) we had 4 kids between us but his didn't live with us.

It didn't end well but that's a very long story. 6 years later, I'm back in a house I own alone, with my 2 boys! It's heaven.

The step-parenting board is supportive, post over there, they are fab.,

This is pretty blunt, but what the hell were you doing moving in together if you don't know how to bring this up?!!!!

It's not rocket science.
Set aside time without kids and say "right we're 3 weeks in, some things are working and some things aren't - let's talk about how we change that".

I'm very that your reason for doing everything is because he's paying for everything.

Sorry - are you the paid help then? If so, just stop complaining and do what you're being paid for, or find another job.

Maybe his ex is looking at you in bewilderment about why you took him on?

Right well firstly of course I can talk to him, I was just asking advice that's all, doesn't everyone do that even when married? Secondly yes I knew they were beginning to spend less time with their mother and more time with him, it's not about having a leg to stand on, I'm just expressing that I'm finding it hard. You don't really know how things are going to be, or how they feel until your in the situation! And actually his ex wife left him went off with another bloke left the children with him, including another child that he wasn't the father to, he looked after and brought them up since then and even before that, as she would disappear for days at a time. He is a good father, a good partner dispite what has been happening the last few weeks. If you were at home and he was at work, wouldn't you feel you should do the majority of the housework? However he's not perfect and did come out with the comment about could I leave some tea for them 5 when I go out, which did shock me because before we lived together and we visited him at a weekend, he would actually cook for all of us, so that did take me back IMO ! But no I won't put up with that, and usually when I tell him how I'm feeling in a calm way he generally listens, but I just wanted to get it off my chest with others that are neutral today. I'm not stupid or needy, I have been a single mum for 6 years, with no family around with my own business, but this situation is hard for everyone to adapt to. We both decided it was best to move here, better in a lot of ways, better school, more jobs, nearer my family, there was no plus points really about him moving to my town,but I'm finding it hard at the moment thats all. I realise everyone won't know or understand the ins and out of our whole relationship. I have been happy just finding it difficult being on his patch, with 4 children rather than 2 to look after. I took it on and I will work with him to make it work, but I will make it clear I've not moved to be good little house wife! I just needed to get it off my chest and think out loud, it's very difficult to explain all the facts of a situation on a thread!!!!!!

it seems to me that you have two issues:

The first is that you have essentially moved in and are now expected to pick up the washing, cooking, housework etc whereas before that your dp presumably did some of this for himself and his children. You need to sit down and have an honest discussion about where those boundaries lie and how you get past them. Because it may even be something as simple as that you have moved in and have naturally taken over things and he is too thoughtless to have considered that he should still be doing his bit even though you are now living there.

The second issue for you is his children. You say they were previously living there most of the time and you were aware of this fact. Tbh any man who demanded that my child spent specific days away would be shown the door pretty sharpish. Reality is that his children are his children as much as your children are yours. Somehow I don't think you would be open to the idea of your dp telling you that he expected the children to be at their father's on a certain day and that this should be stuck to religiously, this is not how being a parent works. Yes of course the preferred option is for the children to spend time with their other parent, but this would be for their benefit not yours. The issue shouldn't be how much time the children spend there, it should be what you are expected to do where he is failing.

Things like expecting you to leave tea for them all when you go out is something which he should be responsible for and should be communicated to him. But if his children want to be there more than at their mum's then there are presumably reasons for this, and when you become involved with someone with kids this should be in the knowledge that their children could, at any point, become a full-time part of the deal.

The issue isn't the children, the issue is how you two fit into cohabitation in a way that is beneficial to you both.

Wannabe you've hit the nail on the head with regards the housework, I have just taken it on , realising how it's too much and he hasn't realised how hard it all is. You would think he would though as before he did it himself and worked, but he did have them less I suppose and it wasn't 6 people it was 3!

As far as demanding when the children stay or don't stay, I haven't demanded anything but we both agree for this to work we do need some time to ourselves. Yes it is about the children, but it is also about maintaining a happy household so we can be good parents and have some of our own time, they do miss their mum when they don't see her, but we can't have any of the children change things to suit them, as then it's not fair on the other one etc, so it's trying to maintain a balance, blended families are always complicated.

Odfod, thank you so much for your understanding, and yes I like the suggestion that they should all help with chores etc, that's a really good idea, they are all guilty of expecting me to do it all and then moan when it's not their favourite tea! I know that's just being a parent, but I really like your suggestion, maybe they don't want to stay with their mum so much cos I do everything for them lol! I will have a good chat with my do tomorrow x

Dp I meant not do ?????

Who's names are on the mortgage as you say he's paying for everything?

It's joint jeanSeberg as I put the same amount of equity into the house, though I'm not really sure what that has to do with it?

how old are the dc? I certainly would be expecting them to pull their weight around the house esp in terms of e.g. tidying their own rooms/washing dishes/emptying dishwashers etc. And no way would I be listening to complaints about not having their favourite tea, perhaps you could have a rota of whose favourite is what and aim to cook that on a rota basis if you were up for that?

If the kids are missing their mum then your dp should really be talking to her and establishing what the issue is with her not seeing them. My ds has recently opted to stay here more on account of the fact it's more convenient during the week to have all his books etc in one place rather than potentially leaving stuff at mine and ending up having to run past here on his way etc, plus he comes here after school so then wants to stay here, but if he wants to stay at his dad's during the week then he is free to do that as long as he lets xh (and me) know in the morning that that's what he wants to do. But it sounds as if your sdc's mum isn't that open to her own dc staying with her, which is very sad for them, and is perhaps a contributing factor as to why your dp is so reluctant to put his foot down where they are concerned - because they already feel rejected by their mum.

Yes that's true wannabe, I think they feel rejected by their mum especially the older one, she probably feels really insecure, and doesn't understand why my children see so much of me, she may even feel pushed out, so I have every sympathy with her and will make a real effort to perhaps get closer, but I think we need some ground rules, as I've realised I just can't do it all myself there's too many of us. It's great your ds can pretty come and go between you both and do what suits him. It becomes slightly more difficult when there's more than 1 though with different needs and personalities. It doesn't help the way their mother is, but that's the way she is it's not going to change even though I just don't understand her at all. I'm really grateful for your advise and I can see some light thank you

Plus you're so bogged down with wifey/mummy work you're not getting any time to focus on your business. Don't leave it too long, mind!

It does sound like teething problems but it also sounds like he's/you're both (?) assuming you'll pick up most of the drudgery. That's not going to work in the long run, particularly when you need to knuckle down to your business.

I don't envy you, op! There bound to be teething problems at the start but it sounds like you have good communication between you and I hope you can trim off the sharp corners together.

His kids sound like they're excited with the new setup - but they may not find your house as attractive if they have to do housework! That should settle them down...

You sound absolutely lovely OP. No wonder you Dsc want to stay with you. No advice but don't wear yourself into a frazzle. Don't be so perfect. I wish you all the best. Have fun!

oh I absolutely agree that it's much harder to have total flexibility when there are a number of children involved.

Actually given the number of children it would perhaps be a good idea to have a list of house rules agreed which all adhere to. Perhaps an amalgamation of rules from the two previous households with some leeway. e.g. are there any rules that were different in your house to dp's which could be altered/scrapped? similarly are there rules in dp's house which could be changed/scrapped in order that you all end up with one list which everyone is clear on? And these would include things like certain chores and expectations etc.

OK I am in a similar situation, but not living together full time yet, but 75% of the time. We both work, we both have 2 kids, mine 100% his 50%. Kids ages DD10, DD9, DSD9, DSS6. We will all be moving to his house eventually, but most likely we will end up at mine for a while first.

The thing is that we both come from big families so we know how they work. The kids do everything. So, washing - someone goes and gets it all. I sort it for the machine -although they could. They sort and fold it, put the ironing pile together. We outsource the ironing and cleaning - 7 hours a week.

Cooking - I'm in charge, but they do help with everything. They lay and clear the table. Load and unload the dishwasher. They work as a team. No-one gets to walk away if there is stuff to be done.

They mow the easy bits of the lawn. We have some help in the garden. My DP does most of the gardening and an enormous amount of DIY - we have 3 holiday rentals, as well as both working full time.

We often have "helpers" or au pairs staying, and they then take on the cooking. However sometimes they are more work than they are help.

Like you we do have precious little time alone together. And if the kids were any older no doubt we'd get even less time together.

Really my best advice is to outsource what you can, and the kids get a load of tasks. No phone/tablet/computer time until all the tasks are done.

Thanks derxa, I think I've just tried to do too much, I'm realising I've kind of put myself in the situation, the kids will just let me pander to them, my dp probably thinks I'm happy to do it and is enjoying it as he hasn't had this for over 6 years himself. I wanted everyone to be happy, but I can't maintain it, so yes a few house rules, me time and focus on business time, as well as family time, and just us as a couple time maybe the answer. Myself and my dp always have got on very well and have lots of fun together, never argue, all the kids does put a strain on us and I think if things carry on it would just destroy us eventually. We need to be on the same page and stick to together, and we can't do that without communication so that's what we will do. Thanks mumsnet mums you've really helped again !

Wow wallywobbles, do you work? Just interested, that seems to be the key, of course the children can help, I'm doing it all wrong, they even get pocket money for pretty much doing nothing! ?? things will definitely have to change. Thank u for sharing that with me

Sorry just realised you said u both work full time. Well done for being so organised x

Yes I run 2 business (online local food - think Riverford on a very small scale) and the three holiday rentals. There are times when I work 90 hours a week when we are in crises (currently my site is being hacked - so now would be a good example!).

The children get no pocket money for free. They have to work for it, and I don't mean family household chores. My 9 year old used to help me prepare the boxes for clients (naming, putting them in the cold store etc) for a couple of hours a week at 2€ an hour - she happily did 3 hours a week - and she was raking it in frankly. Now this is done at a site further away so sadly she's lost this money maker! Spring cleaning if done to my satisfaction gets paid, cleaning the gites if necessary (which is rare) is paid. I would pay for proper car cleaning and window cleaning.

If we are on holiday - I will give them all a lump sum of pocket money though, but then they have to sort out their own treats.

Mostly they are happy to help. If they didn't help with meals they wouldn't get fed. Pretty simple rules here!! Also with 4 of them, the whinging takes longer than the task in hand so they stopped that pretty quickly. And the quicker they are the more time they get for playing. The tallest would get the short end of the stick because she can reach more, but everyone is passing it to her - we are the masters of the chain!!

This evening after we got back from swimming, they stacked this winters wood that DP had spent the afternoon cutting up. As a group they can achieve a lot, and quickly. They learn such a lot from being part of a team to be honest.

Oh yes and the thing that has really helped us is the family meeting. These really smooth the path. When we don't do them things start to go tits up.

We have a box and if someone has a grievance they write it down and put it in the box. It can be with anyone. Then we can talk through the issues once a week, pulling the bits of paper out of the box, everyone reads one, then pulls another. The kids come up with solutions that we can try. Everyone feels like they have been heard and feels like an equal, we get to veto anything daft.

One of us writes the minutes of the key points. Meetings start with everyone saying something positive about everyone present. Then we do the minutes of the last meeting and then the new issues. It can take quite a long time to do - probably a good hour, but it saves an awful lot of resentment.

Wow *wallywobbles - I am in awe!