Parners Snoring is making me depressed I cant take anymore

[EliseJamesMay]

Ive been with my partner for 5 and a half years and he has snored the whole time. We have a 4 year old daughter and have slept in seperate rooms since she was born. He still keeps me awake from the other room and im so tired all the time and I feel really down and depressed at the thought of the rest of my life being like this. It even wakes up my daughter. He has tried the sprays, strips, ring, oral device and nothing works. Ive tried ear plugs and can still hear him over them. Even the neighbours hear him. He went to the GP and the hospital gave him this thing to wear over night to measure his snoring but he was awake most of the night so it didnt exactly give an accurate reading of what its like every night. The doctor he saw said its his tongue slipping back and blocking his airway which is why the devices, strips etc dont work. Ive asked him to go back to the doctor but he refuses, he says my hearing must be oversensitive or im exaggerating how little sleep im getting. I was signed off work with depression and ended up losing my job but I really want to be working but then im thinking how can I work after less than 2 hours sleep a night. Im thinking of making him move out as the relationship isnt what it used to be anyway but this snoring problem is a major factor, id do anything just for it to stop so I could sleep at night. Any advice?

Gosh, no advice really other than asking him to revisit the doctor. Sounds awful. This kind of thing would drive me insane!

Record him. From the bedroom you sleep in. Then play it to him the next morning. Then he can judge whether you're "oversensitive" or not.

However since you've noted the relationship "isn;t what it used to be" I do wonder if this is one of these threads where it's "here's an issue that's annoying me" then 5 dripfeeds later we find out he's a total bastard all the time and everyone advises you to leave him.

If you want to leave him because he's making you more depressed and you're not happy with him, that's fine. If it really is just the snoring, try the recording. If he won't go to the GP again and is dismissing you, that's really upsetting and disrespectful.

Ive asked him to go back to the doctor but he refuses, he says my hearing must be oversensitive or im exaggerating how little sleep im getting

so he has no sympathy for your suffering, long term disturbed sleep has a detrimental effect on your health.

Is it a passive aggressive technique on his part to sabotage your wellbeing?

Refusing to go back to the doctor is a massive issue in my view. It shows lack of concern for you, your DD, and his own health. Quite a red flag really.

I'm not surprised the relationship is crap (for you).

Ive recorded him and played it back he even took the recording with him to the doctor but he still thinks because he isnt actually doing it on purpose that im being over the top. He was homeless when he was younger and had to sleep under bridges and on uncomfortable surfaces which is why he says he sleeps so well and can sleep through noise and he just doesnt understand how I get woken up so easily, but if my neighbours can hear it then its clearly louder than he thinks

Mine is the same. I sleep in the guest room when I'm too tired.

I'm going out this weekend to get earplugs made as we hate being apart.

You're going to have to lay it on the line to him.
Either
He sees the doctor and pressures the doctor for action and if he's overweight, he starts losing weight fast.

If he doesn't agree to those things then he has to leave.

he just doesnt understand how I get woken up so easily

the fact is that you do get woken up by his snoring, he is dismissing you, your experience is not valid and your suffering is not any concern of his. He's the boss, you are an insignificant underling.
As long as he's happy and well rested everything is good.

Doesn't sound like a partnership to me :(

I'm in the same boat. TBF there is probably nothing else the dr can do. Some harsh advice here saying LTB, fair enough if r/ship problem in other areas but if we all threw out our snoring partners there would be a big housing shortage. Many women snore too, would you all tell their DHs to leave too, I don't think so.

We have exhausted (ha ha) all the options and nothing works to actually stop the snring. My DH is not overweight, doesn't drink and still it is unbelievably loud. we spent £600 on a custom made mouth device thing which doesn't work.

Try different earplugs, they are not all the same. Best ones imo are Boots like an aqua colour. Have you considered all the different sleeping locations in your house - one of you upstairs, one downstairs? Who cares what people think if there's a great big bed in the living room.

Or have you made sure that your current beds are as far away as possible from each other, not on adjoining walls etc. All helps. Also make sure rooms are as soundproofed as they can be, use draft excluders.

We had a stage where one of us went to a £29 Premier Inn once a week, was a brilliant investment.

Combine with all other measures for you for insomnia (no caffeine, lovely bedlinen, deep breathing techniques, have bath and milky drink, open window) Try Nytol 50g, I find they can help me drop off then I sleep through the night. See if you can persuade him to go to bed say an hour later than you to give you a chance to drop off.

Good luck.

I put up with similar for years. This year I made an appointment with the GP and told him he was going. He was referred to the sleep clinic and has finally been dx with sleep apnoea. (told him 10 years ago that's what it is). He now wears a machine to sleep and the silence is wonderful.

So does sleeping wearing the mask, ( sleep apnoea machine) stop the snoring completely. Indantherene ? Or just make it quieter?

Does the machine itself make a noise?

No snoring with a cpap machine hobbit Machine is pretty quiet when on the face

My DH is exactly the same. Fortunately he works away 3 nights a week and on the nights he's here, I have to go to bed earlier than him or drink wine if it's the weekend.

It's like torture though isn't it? DH does wear a guard which had taken the volume down a few decibels, he's over weight, drinks too much and won't go tho the GP as they'll just tell him 'you're overweight & drink too much'

There is an operation option as well. Chopping his head off will also work.

My OH is a terrible snorer. If I fall asleep before he goes to bed then I have a better chance of getting some sleep. Once I hear it though I become fixated and that makes it worse. Yes it's not his fault. But also yes, it is a problem. I wake him when he snores as sometimes a change of position helps. Also sometimes I sleep in another room, sometimes he does. I didn't get on with putting stuff in my ears and the over the counter stuff didn't reduce his snoring. I use a sound or "white noise" machine every night and also take sleeping tablets. It's a real pain.

The doctor at the hospital said because its his tongue causing the snoring theres not much an operation will do, i'll glady slice it out if need be haha.

He isnt overweight and doesnt drink much, maybe 2 cans of lager on a Saturday, but those times its a million times louder.

Every time I try and bring up him going back to the doctor he's snappy and horrible but it cant go on like this. Even if I go to bed earlier than him the thought of him starting snoring kind of stops me from sleeping. I tried nytol & quiet life sleep aid pills but they dont help as no matter what it wakes me up so I was more tired and groggy during the day taking those.

if snoring is loud enough to keep you awake in another room then there's a good chance it's sleep apnoea ask his GP to refer him to a proper sleep clinic.

Does he have other apnoea symptoms - falling asleep driving, falling asleep when he sits down, lethargy/can't be botheredness. Getting up to wee in the night. High blood pressure. Can't remember any others but you can google.

He can do a Epworth test online to assess his degree of drowsyness during the day.

The most common cause of death for sleep apnoea sufferers is driving crashes.

So he's already seen a sleep specialist?

The doctor he saw said its his tongue slipping back and blocking his airway which is why the devices, strips etc don't work.

This is sleep apnoea and it's actually a pretty serious condition for him (not to mention the disruption to you and DD.) It puts him at increased risk of heart attack and stroke, and it could seriously effect his driving. In fact if he were to have an accident and it was then investigated and he was found to have known he had this condition and hadn't sought treatment, he could be held liable and banned from driving.

I don't mean to scaremonger - but my ex had exactly this scenario and in the end I had to blackmail him by saying I would inform his company that he was driving illegally, before he would address the issue. His apnoea was so severe that he frequently fell asleep during the day, at his desk at work, on the settee watching TV. It was only a matter of time before he would have fallen asleep at the wheel.

He was given a CPAP machine to wear at night. This prevents the snoring because it keeps the airway open. The machine makes a low humming sound; I actually found it quite soothing, like white noise.

Cautionary tale: we split up when he ran off with another woman (and a load of my cash.) He stopped wearing his mask when at hers because "it makes me feel like an old man". I don't even think she knew he was supposed to wear it. 6 weeks after leaving me he had a heart attack and ended up in hospital for a month. Oh what a shame

High risk factors for sleep apnoea:

• Smoking
• Drinking
• Being of African descent
• Being overweight (I think the GP said over size 15 neck, so if he is slim through the body but has a double chin, that still counts)
• Having high blood pressure

No devices work on sleep apnoea - CPAP is the gold standard.

Are you sure he saw a sleep specialist?

He went to the GP who referred him to the hospital, he was given a machine that he had to wear for a night to monitor his snoring and take back the next day, but the machine kept him awake so he didnt snore like he normally would so I dont believe it was an accurate way to test him. They said it was his tongue causing the snoring and that an operation wouldnt help and wouldnt be funded by the nhs anyway. They gave him a leaflet on mouth devices but said that it would maybe reduce it a litte but not stop it altogether. I bought one but it makes no difference.

He needs a proper overnight sleep study in a sleep clinic. In the meantime - earplugs? I've got a snorer too and after his snoring completely ruined our only child-free weekend away in 9 years and I nearly ended up sleeping in the hotel bathroom, I've bought some earlpugs to use on really bad nights. I've always been reluctant for fear of not hearing DS if he calls me in the night, but it's so rare that he does and the alternative is to beat DH to death with a shoe!

If his tongue is dropping back into his throat that is SERIOUS

I am the snorer in this house (do and advanced search on my normal name "Talkinpeace" and "snoring" and you'll find my posts on it).

He needs to stop sleeping on his back : side or 2/3 onto his front
Change your pillows : higher ones so that he cannot lie flat on his back

You need ear plugs - DH likes the foam ones from boots that come in a box of 20

BUT
disturbed sleep has long term health implications. He is damaging your health and risking his life by not dealing with this.

Spare rooms are fine : have a cuddle for an hour and then sleep in the other room. Kids do not care / notice.

My dad used to snore that badly too, and in his case it was sleep apnoea.

That causes the sufferer (i.e. the snorer) to actually wake themselves up several times a night - do you know if that happens?

Quite apart from your suffering, the neighbours' suffering and your DD being woken up, if sleep apnoea is a possibility he must go back to the Dr as it needs treating. My dad had a machine he had to wear whilst he slept. This was a few years ago now, as he passed away in 2003, but the machine made a lot of difference.

If your partner's tongue is slipping down into the back of his throat when he's sleeping this is obstructive sleep apnoea (OSA) and it is very damaging to your health over the long term if untreated

He needs treatment for this OP. There are some good articles on the long term health implications of OSA which you can Google and show him, it might encourage him to see a doctor.

In the short term, get some good foam ear plugs or ear defenders if need be.

You do not need to live with this. You cannot function on 2 hours sleep a night and it will be affecting your own health. I'm not surprised you feel defeated and depressed. If you have to, consider asking him to leave for a while whilst he adjusts his priorities.

Being embarrassed and defensive about snoring does not solve the problem. Issue an ultimatum, either he goes to the doctor and asks for a referral to a sleep clinic or he can sleep somewhere else.