calling police on partner

[makeupandheels]

two months ago I called the police about my partner

Nobody can offer you any advice without giving more detail, OP. If you want someone to talk to in private- feel free to PM me at anytime.

When the police attended in response to your call, did they remove your partner from your home and has he been charged with any offence against you?

I am a single mum with a 3 yr old and a year ago began dating a guy I met on a dating site. After first month he became a bit clingy. I tried to break free but kept going back as after many years of being single it was nice to have his flood of attention and I like the help he gave me and my child.
However he would become extremely moody and mean towards me and my child whenever he thought it was going to be over.
I was not in a position to move in with him and told him this. He would become insecure about his looks and say I was cheating on him when this was not true. An extreme time was when he said that I was flirting with a woman and about to go off with her when I have never in my life wanted to be with a woman or now.
I was getting close to moving into my new home and was petrified he would move in and never leave or just randomly turn up at my door.
I had had enough when he repeatedly accused me of lying that my 3 yr old was vomiting and that I had to take him to hospital. It was very upsetting as he was drunk and had his step daughter driving to London from Worthing to come to the hospital. I had to repeatedly tell him not to come as my child had a 48 hr bug and him coming would help nothing. He refused my wishes and then accused me of wanting other peoples help rather than his and his step daughter's help. I was there alone and it was awful whilst my child was vomiting into my arms. I said I would call the police if he came and this seemed to stop him.
There were so many episodes like this and he would not even acknowledge his rude crazy behaviour and lack of respect to me as a mother of a young child.
On the day I was moving into my new house in July I did not tell him in fear that he would not let me come and collect my belongings from his home in Worthing and that he would make it very difficult for me to do so. He was very rude and difficult the night before on the phone and on the next removal day. My close friend came to help drive the van but stayed out of the house and this man began taunting me in a sarcastic voice that the driver was a friend of mine.
I called the Police once I was in my home. I am afraid that they made a bigger mess as they wanted to arrest him and I did not want nor was it my intention.
They asked him to come for an interview and he claims he has no idea why he has been called in. I really feel awful about everything that has happened.

He was not in my home when I spoke to the police and they contacted him via the phone. He has not been in my new home.

Why have the police made a bigger mess? The guy is abusive and has harassed you mercilessly. He has broken the law. Everything that has happened has happened because of his actions, not yours. You've done the right thing.

While I think you have been massively unfair to him stringing him along in a few ways- he clearly has some issues, and you don't want to deal with them. Let's hope the police getting involved encourages him to get the help he needs. Change your number if he calls you and he turns up at your property again, call 999.

What is the state of play now? Was he interviewed by the police and are you still in contact with him, or does he contact you against your wishes?

In what way have the police 'made a bigger mess' by responding to the call you made when you were safely in your own home? If the police "wanted to arrest him", it suggests they had considerable cause for concern based on what you'd said to them.

Are you saying that the police shouldn't have acted on whatever it was you told them? Surely you know that the police are duty bound to record and investigate any complaints that are made to them and, more particularly, where complainants may be in danger if no action is taken.

I never strung him along I truly loved and cared for him when things were happy, even the bad. When he would behave differently I spoke to him about it and sometimes he would admit it but usually not. he would tell me he was broken and probably see a therapist but didn't. If it looked like I was stringing him along I did not mean for that. I did many times when things were. I do want to deal the issues with him. He has not called as I know he is truly scared about contact from police. I did get a very strange call at 12.30 pm whilst I was asleep on 11 Sep and also at 12am the same morning. I remember him telling me sometime ago that he would be in London that day for work.

What are you asking us ?

The chances you will take him back ?

I'll take a punt on 50/50

I did feel harassed at him at times. After he accused me of lying when my child was ill I did not want to speak to him. I told my other mum friends what he had done and they were shocked and angered at him. I politely said I needed space but everyday he repeatedly sent me messages saying what was wrong. He did not acknowledge what he had done or give me a few day apart as I requested. That whole week I showed another mum my phone and she and I just thought he was an incredible pest and really awful not even to say sorry.

Sorry but saying "I wanted to break free but kept going back" suggests to me you kept dumping him and then taking him back- thus stringing him along.

Very supportive.....

What are you saying? That you want to get back with this unhinged controlling and abusive man but his encounter with the police has warned him off and he's not minded to continue seeing you?

If it only took a words from the police to warn off all the abusive twunts who threaten and intimidate others and cause them to desist from their antisocial behaviour, the world would be a better place and we'd all be safe from unwanted harassment and unwarranted violence.

Part of me wants to hear his side and I hear him say lets talk to a therapist about issues and move forward but I also know he would be horrified if his family and close friends knew how he had been behaving with me. I also know he did care and love me and I just feel so sad and now deeply confused. I know why I called the Police but I don't know what to do next and just want to read other's opinions as I no one to talk to.

Part of me wants to hear his side and I hear him say lets talk to a therapist about issues and move forward but I also know he would be horrified if his family and close friends knew how he had been behaving with me. I also know he did care and love me and I just feel so sad and now deeply confused. I know why I called the Police but I don't know what to do next and just want to read other's opinions as I no one to talk to.

He's moody, mean, harassing, scaring you, you don;t want him around, he worries you, he doesn't listen to you - FFS, there's nothing good about him.

And what did you expect when you rang the police? Let them deal with him. Delete his number, block him, put him out of your mind and move on.

Let the police action take its course.

He accused you of lying, he sent a family member to harass you in the hospital because he didn't believe you were really there, he accused you of cheating on him. And in between this he smothered you with attention, which is what abusers do so you are permanently confused.

You think he's going to snap out of it with the help of a therapist and admit his behaviour was wrong - not gonna happen. You need to be focusing on you, and how you recover from this relationship to avoid falling into the same trap again.

What do you want us to help you with? If you just want to vent and get it out then that is fine, but you need to say that.

Sorry but saying "I wanted to break free but kept going back" suggests to me you kept dumping him and then taking him back- thus stringing him along.

That is no excuse for his behaviour and is unhelpful on this thread.

I'm not saying it is, but OP isn't an innocent party. The innocent of most, yes- but not innocent. And it leaves me with a feeling there is more to this then she is letting on.

It seems to me that you should accept that this relationship is over and heave a sigh of relief that it only took one phone call to the police to save you months/years of misery.

You say that you have no one to talk to, but what about the other 'mum friends' you've mentioned and the 'close friend' who drove your moving van?

Do you have an active social life, or have you moved to an area where you don't know many people and are spending too much time alone dwelling on the past?

You need to stay away from him. This isn't really about what you want OP. It is about what is best for your child. A man who drinks to excess, has family members follow you, accuses you of lying and cheating and is generally unpleasant, is unsuitable for your DS to be around.

Please put your child first and have nothing more to do with this man.

I'd do the Freedom Programme iiwy. Just to get clear what is and isn't acceptable in relationships.

I say this bcs the confusion you experienced in the relationship is classic when in an abusive relationship: coming and going, not being sure, confused, doubting yourself, thinking there must be a logical reason. Guilt!

Well done for getting the police involved - that takes a lot of courage. The guilt, confusion and fear you feel now is not surprising - get in touch with Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 (call at night if you can, lines busy during the day) and they should give you the support you understandably need now.

But do sign up to the Freedom Programme. You'll get a lot of support there xx

I am in tears as my child is above everything in my life and it is for my child's sake and then mine I had to make that call to the police.
I know if my child was in it's teens it would hate this man. My child is 3 and loving to all.
I have to remember this thought.
I am still in contact with my friends but very far away and yes a new isolated feeling and time to think about what was going on.
Thank you for your positive comments as it is giving much needed strength.
I feel weak at times and want to call him to pour my feelings out to him. I hate myself when I feel this.

One of the elements I didn't list above (guilt, confusion etc) is a kind of addiction. Common in abusive relationships.

Don't hate yourself. You need all the support you can get, you don't need to be the one against you, you need to be on your side! Xx

I am going to look into the freedom program. I can't afford to make this mistake twice.
I should have left him way back in Jan when his first burst of anger came out towards my then 2yr old son.
I am going to describe what happened.
I felt smothered by him as he would bombard me with messages from as early as 5.30 am but I guess my part in it was to keep answering the messages without complaint even though I felt it was too much. He would play poor lonely victim about his ex wife who had died of cancer 2 years previously. I felt awfully sad and upset for her pain and loss and the same for his two older step children and also for him. He would repeatedly tell me of how he had to help and care for her. He would tell me at any given opportunity. I did say that it was right that he helped her as her loving husband this was a normal.
He admitted he should see a therapist and that he was dating one a year ago but hated her as she would tell him to stop dwelling on the past and move on. He was quite rude about her and said she had body image issues as she was a big girl and he felt extremely embarrassed to take her out. He said it was the opposite when it came to me but still I thought it was not nice how he spoke of this woman. He would say she was horrible and mean to him. Now I realise he talked about me like that to others as he would openly tell me he would as he want an out pour of sympathy from his friends.
In Jan this year I wanted to have a break just to assess the smother and control games he was playing with my mind. I had just had some items put into storage in his home where he was happy for me to do so. I realised later in the year he used my items in his house as a way of controlling me and keeping me there. Twice I tried to take everything but he would get upset and say I could keep them there for as long as whenever and even if we broke up he would keep them safe. When ever he would get upset with me he would threaten to get all my things and dump them outside my flat in London where he knew I had no space to put them.
Sorry that this is long winded. it's painful to remember and type. I had spent a sat and sun in Worthing with him and my 2yr old and came to realisation he was not healthy for me. I told this man very calmly that I would like to have a week just to think about us as I was not sure how I felt as I was overwhelmed. I did not go into too much detail as I did not want him angry. He became furious and said right I am taking you back to London. He without talking to me grabbed all our things and angrily put them in the car. I asked him not to get upset as I already felt bad that I had put some belongings in storage in his house and wanted to tell him honestly how I felt. My 2yr old was drinking a bottle of and he snatched it out of his hand and my 2yr old looked up in shock. I stood up and told him not to do that to my child and he then said my child was making a mess which was not true.
I was so shocked and full of fear as he was going to be driving us back to London, I asked for 5 mins on my own with my child so I could gather my thoughts on what had happened. This man folded his arms at me and defiantly said NO this is my house and I won't have you dictating to me to where I can sit. I didn't tell him to leave only for me and my child to sit in room on our own for five mins.
He grabbed a big armchair, sat on it legs folded arms crossed and put it directly in front of the sofa I was sitting on with my child and said he was staying just put as it was his house.
I said I would tell his housemate upstairs to which he replied there are two of us and do you think he is going to believe you?
When we got into the car he could see that he had really scared and upset me thoroughly. He said he wanted to talk about the whole relationship and I was now stuck in a two hour drive with my child in the car who had at this point picked up on this awful atmosphere.
I said I just wanted to get back to London and had nothing to say at this point and did not want any trouble.
He then put the radio on full blast where things were shaking in the car with the noise. He did this when I asked him not to as my child was going to fall asleep. My child started screaming and he still would not turn it down. When I tried to turn it down he would hit my hand. I hit him back. Then he stopped. my child was crying in the back and all I wanted to do was get out of the car, this man was threatening us saying he was going to dump us and our things in next town we would pass.
He drove us back to my London flat and began saying he would not help me take my things in as I might a friend waiting to beat him up which I found very offensive of being accused of. I raced in with my son then I unloaded the car. Weirdly he was back to his normal self as soon as he stepped out of the car and asked to use the toilet in my flat to which I replied no and shut the door. The next day he called to say Hi in an upbeat voice and spent all week wooing me back. He later told me he had told all his friends that I had walloped him because I would not let him listen to music whilst he was driving me and my child back to London. After this he continued the game of twisting and manipulating events so he looked like the poor underdog and I was the one treating him badly.
He even said he had told his ex girlfriend the therapist he hated been seen in public with and that she wanted to get back together. I could see his mad game playing and did not respond and he panicked and told me that he had not really spoken to her.
This was one of many dramas. I am a total idiot but I just wanted to love and be love and find a nice man and make a family for me and my child. I am so scared from this experience.
.