calling police on partner

[makeupandheels]

two months ago I called the police about my partner

I am going to look into the freedom program. I can't afford to make this mistake twice.
I should have left him way back in Jan when his first burst of anger came out towards my then 2yr old son.
I am going to describe what happened.
I felt smothered by him as he would bombard me with messages from as early as 5.30 am but I guess my part in it was to keep answering the messages without complaint even though I felt it was too much. He would play poor lonely victim about his ex wife who had died of cancer 2 years previously. I felt awfully sad and upset for her pain and loss and the same for his two older step children and also for him. He would repeatedly tell me of how he had to help and care for her. He would tell me at any given opportunity. I did say that it was right that he helped her as her loving husband this was a normal.
He admitted he should see a therapist and that he was dating one a year ago but hated her as she would tell him to stop dwelling on the past and move on. He was quite rude about her and said she had body image issues as she was a big girl and he felt extremely embarrassed to take her out. He said it was the opposite when it came to me but still I thought it was not nice how he spoke of this woman. He would say she was horrible and mean to him. Now I realise he talked about me like that to others as he would openly tell me he would as he want an out pour of sympathy from his friends.
In Jan this year I wanted to have a break just to assess the smother and control games he was playing with my mind. I had just had some items put into storage in his home where he was happy for me to do so. I realised later in the year he used my items in his house as a way of controlling me and keeping me there. Twice I tried to take everything but he would get upset and say I could keep them there for as long as whenever and even if we broke up he would keep them safe. When ever he would get upset with me he would threaten to get all my things and dump them outside my flat in London where he knew I had no space to put them.
Sorry that this is long winded. it's painful to remember and type. I had spent a sat and sun in Worthing with him and my 2yr old and came to realisation he was not healthy for me. I told this man very calmly that I would like to have a week just to think about us as I was not sure how I felt as I was overwhelmed. I did not go into too much detail as I did not want him angry. He became furious and said right I am taking you back to London. He without talking to me grabbed all our things and angrily put them in the car. I asked him not to get upset as I already felt bad that I had put some belongings in storage in his house and wanted to tell him honestly how I felt. My 2yr old was drinking a bottle of and he snatched it out of his hand and my 2yr old looked up in shock. I stood up and told him not to do that to my child and he then said my child was making a mess which was not true.
I was so shocked and full of fear as he was going to be driving us back to London, I asked for 5 mins on my own with my child so I could gather my thoughts on what had happened. This man folded his arms at me and defiantly said NO this is my house and I won't have you dictating to me to where I can sit. I didn't tell him to leave only for me and my child to sit in room on our own for five mins.
He grabbed a big armchair, sat on it legs folded arms crossed and put it directly in front of the sofa I was sitting on with my child and said he was staying just put as it was his house.
I said I would tell his housemate upstairs to which he replied there are two of us and do you think he is going to believe you?
When we got into the car he could see that he had really scared and upset me thoroughly. He said he wanted to talk about the whole relationship and I was now stuck in a two hour drive with my child in the car who had at this point picked up on this awful atmosphere.
I said I just wanted to get back to London and had nothing to say at this point and did not want any trouble.
He then put the radio on full blast where things were shaking in the car with the noise. He did this when I asked him not to as my child was going to fall asleep. My child started screaming and he still would not turn it down. When I tried to turn it down he would hit my hand. I hit him back. Then he stopped. my child was crying in the back and all I wanted to do was get out of the car, this man was threatening us saying he was going to dump us and our things in next town we would pass.
He drove us back to my London flat and began saying he would not help me take my things in as I might a friend waiting to beat him up which I found very offensive of being accused of. I raced in with my son then I unloaded the car. Weirdly he was back to his normal self as soon as he stepped out of the car and asked to use the toilet in my flat to which I replied no and shut the door. The next day he called to say Hi in an upbeat voice and spent all week wooing me back. He later told me he had told all his friends that I had walloped him because I would not let him listen to music whilst he was driving me and my child back to London. After this he continued the game of twisting and manipulating events so he looked like the poor underdog and I was the one treating him badly.
He even said he had told his ex girlfriend the therapist he hated been seen in public with and that she wanted to get back together. I could see his mad game playing and did not respond and he panicked and told me that he had not really spoken to her.
This was one of many dramas. I am a total idiot but I just wanted to love and be love and find a nice man and make a family for me and my child. I am so scared from this experience.
.

I want to voice something that happened in Jan.

I wanted to end it with him as he was overwhelming me by calling me from 5 am throughout day and late at night but I feel I kept quiet and thought he was just being needy
I had just put items in his attic for storage and was feeling bad about that. I had spent Sat and Sun with him in Worthing and my child. I said I felt overwhelmed and that I needed a break of a week or a few days. He became furious and said he was taking us back immediately to London and began putting all our things in car. It was the morning. He then snatched a bottle of milk from my 2yr olds mouth. I was so shocked s was my child as said never ever do that again. He snapped that my child was making a mess which he obviously had not. I said I was shocked and needed 5 mins with my child to gather what had just happened. This man folded his arms at me and stood in front of me and said defiantly NO this is my house and I will not have you dictate to me and tell me to get out of my house. I said I did not tell you to leave but I just wanted 5 mins with my child. This man grabbed a sofa armchair and stuck it in front of the sofa me and my child were sitting on and crossed his arms and legs and said he was going nowhere. My heart was thumping with fear and he could see that. I said I was going to tell his housemate upstairs to which he replied that there were two of them in his house and that he would not believe me.
In the car journey he wanted to re hash the whole relationship but I had nothing to say and said I did not want any trouble. He then put the music on really loud that everything in car was shaking with sound. It was really loud and my son was crying Mummy. I told him to stop and he would hit my hands off the volume dial several times before I hit him back. He began a 15 min screaming shouting in car and my son was screaming and crying and I began to cry and plead him to stop behaving like this.
He said he would dump me and my child and our things at next station. I kept silent. I knew this was not normal but numb with panic as this man was driving me and my son back to London
Once in London he said he would tell the police and his family about me and I said good as I wanted to tell them myself what had happened. He said he was not going to help me get my things out as I could have a friend waiting to break his legs which I still find offensive to be accused of. I ran out with my child first and then my things the he hopped out as if normal and asked to use the toilet to which I said no.
I was shaking when I got in and was even more shocked that a day or two later he phoned me in an upbeat voice and asked me if I was okay. I asked him what do you want? He began wooing me back that whole week. He later told me that he had told his friends that I had walloped him whilst he was driving me and my child back to London.
He added he had also told his ex therapist girlfriend who he had told me he hated been seen in public with and that his friends did not like her and that she would tell him not to dwell on past. He said she said he should get rid of me and I could see clearly what games he was playing and said I did not care and that he should date his ex. He panicked and told me he was lying about speaking to his ex.
This was one of many strange dramas.

He said his friends were shocked at my behaviour and after that I did not see much of them. I truly believe he would never tell them the way he behaved with me. His friends when they first saw me told him he was punching above his weight. I find that not very nice thing to say to your friend. Why do we have to fall in love or date someone who is an equal to us in any shape or form or even intellectually? I thought he was kind but he played games and has a spiteful quite catty side and plays an outpours of sympathy. He would call me crazy and even say I suffered depression of which I don't.He even wanted me to admit that I was depressed by telling his female friend who's boyfriend suffers from depression. Anything but address his own sanity that I am afraid was not all in place. My very close friend who met him many times would always say there is something not right and this man would never talk to my friend. I made a lot of effort with his family who I adored and with his friends who he was constantly speaking badly of me to to cover his own tracks.

Everything I am describing is what I told the police and more. I did not want an arrest just a warning that could make him think about what he has done and get some help.
The police said they couldn't do much purely that the relationship was still going on even with these things going on. I did not want them to do anything else.
I want to make it clear I did not lie to the police and understand the severity of lying to police and in court. I wrote this in my statement to the police.
The police understood all my reasons for coming and that it was not a whim or waste of time or trouble making.
Sadly I feel this person is continuing with his lying. I just fee hurt that I was honest to him from start to end and probably that was a problem on my part.

What is the current situation OP? Are you still in touch with him? Does he still have your stuff?

If you were living in London and he was living on the south coast, how did you come to meet this odious nutter man?

Sorry as I have seen I accidently repeat sent some of my replies here. I am not in touch with him and I had to take all my things back with a help of a friend. That also made him angry and unpleasant towards me.
I met him on a dating site when I had felt like it was the right time after 2 years of being single and divorced.

I said where's Worthing but in a drop of a hat he would jump on a train and really early from W and come to London. He also was happy to drive me and my son back and forth to see him in W. It was nice when it all went his way but again the min he felt like I wanted even a weekend to myself he would have a mood swing and behave unpleasant towards me and start threats of me to take all my things and that no one would love me like he would.
I still feel shaken up and scared about typing this but I strongly feel I need to get out.
I was in an abusive marriage on every level and finally felt ready to let love in.
I am scared as I still want to find someone to love and be loved by and feel I might let another man like this in.
today I feel I did the right thing to even speak to the Police as this man would have been rattling in and out of my life.

When we first got talking he sent me a photo of his penis which I was horrified at seeing and then he apologised. He is 7 years younger than me and I am in my mid 40's. I stupidly thought it's probably a generation thing but still told him not to send me things like this. He pestered me all the time to send photo's of what I was doing but I never sent anything indecent. I did find him stifling and he never wanted to let go. I told him I deleted his penis pic but I have saved it. If I had shown that to Police he would have been in serious trouble. I wanted him to realise the magnitude of his behaviour and do something about it.
He thinks he has been a victim. Victimised by me.

Sorry OP but any man who sends a woman he's just started seeing photos of his penis is not a keeper. You are way better off without him.

I met him on match.com

• He is clingy
• He is rude and difficult
• He is 'extremely moody and mean' towards you and your child
• He taunts you in a sarcastic voice
• He falsely accused you of cheating on more than one occasion
• You were 'petrified' he would move in and never leave or just randomly turn up
• He repeatedly accused you of lying
• You repeatedly told him not to come to the hospital but he didn't listen
• You didn't tell him you were moving because you were scared he would not let you collect your belongings
• And he doesn't acknowledge any of this

And part of you wants to hear his side and talk to a therapist about issues and move forward? Really?

Seriously, you do not want to do that. Talking to a therapist will achieve nothing. He made you unhappy, scared and uncomfortable. That isn't going to change. You and your child are better off without him.

Be careful with the police having been involved if you were ever to take him back, they would inform social services as it is seen as a domestic violence situation, and that is the last thing you need to go through

My God Thank you for this advice. When you're in it you don't see the wood for the trees. The Police said there was not enough evidence but it is there now as an indelible mark. If he does this again to someone and the too report him to Police it will be taken much more seriously. I really hope he can behave and control himself.

I just want to say a big thank you to the strong positive help as it has helped lift my spirit from yesterday.

I honestly thought you were going to say you were early twenties. God love get a grip. As soon as you arrived back in London after that journey you should have blocked his number and never spoken to him again. Your poor child.

That's harsh wannabe. Domestic abuse is no reelected of persons - it happens to anyone and everyone, regardless of age, class, money. When you are a victim of it, at the time of being a victim of it, it is very hard to see clearly. She doesn't need shaming and your comments were shaming.

Op, the Freedom Programme will help you a great deal to understand how this happened and how you can put steps in place to avoid it happening again with someone else. This man is a very frightening abuser. You will learn on the Freedom Programme how to recognise an abuser in the early stages. You will also meet other women who have been through, or are going through, the same things - all ordinary, intelligent women who are just as shocked as you. You will help one another come to terms with the trauma of being involved with someone like this. It must have been terrifying.

You did the right thing to tell the police. It must have taken a lot of courage but you did it. You probably want to hear his side of things bcs you can't believe someone would behave like this, it is so frightening and wrong. Abusers DO behave like this - abusers believe, truly believe, women are possessions entirely for the abuser's gratification and should be bullied and forced to do exactly what the abuser wants.

Is very shocking when you meet someone like this. It takes a lot to get over, to recover from it.

No respecter of persons

I am not a shamer. My father was an abuser and it took my mum thirty Years to leave him. But this lady saw some pretty obvious signs.... What Part of you thinks after that journey 'this is worth another punt'. It's not a long marriage. Perhaps i have a harder view but why put children through this? Why involve them so quickly?

I hope she gets help so it doesn't happen again. I teach children and we pick up the pieces... I am not a shamer...

You are the child of an abusive relationship and you work with kids who have experienced similar things. It is natural you would see it from the child's point of view (eg the music turned up to max in the car is an excruciating story to hear; the fear of that journey for the child - awful).

Being the (adult) victim of domestic abuse does infantilise us because the abuse is designed to paralyse us, to disable all rational thought. This is the nature of it and it is extremely effective - noone is immune imo. It's natural to think it was obvious but there is a great deal of charm and heartbreaking loveliness involved in disabling, confusing, the victim. It's not straightforward.

Coming out of an abusive dynamic involves getting through a mountain of shame: how could I have let that happen? There is a lot of self-disgust to get through. It doesn't help to have a bystander exclaim the very things we are struggling to get over.

My son is the only thing above in me in anything in my life. He is my everything. After a 8 year abusive relationship where my son was born during a two year divorce from my child's father. My child has experienced no shouting, abuse or violence. He has a happy life and has all his needs taken care of and I do it happily all on my own. I could not be more happier then when I see my child. For almost 3 years I have been single to devote myself to my child and I became lonely for male companionship at least.
I kept in shape through exercise and that it makes me feel positive and physically strong to run around with my child. I began dating and my friends also thought it would be good even I met to have a tea or coffee type of date.
I met a few men, did not like much and then this man. He was very persistent and I feel so stupid that I let him in and have a chance. He began telling me about his wife who had died from cancer and what they went through in graphic detail to the end of her life. He began showing me pics of her in a bad way. I still have flashbacks which take my breath away with sick shock. I told him not to show me. I know now that this was all about his warped way of catching a woman's attention and feelings and pity. He would always go on about a list of things he would do for her. He also added is ex girlfriend in called her a whore bitch as she would tell him to stop talking about his deceased wife, I would reply that it was mean of your ex to be harsh to you. I see clearly now that he only talked of his 'nasty ex' so that it would stop me from questioning him the same as she did.
Right now I really hope he does this to someone else and she reports him too. He is really lucky that it did not go further with the Police apart from a 45 min video interview with him. I am sure he acted oblivious to what he had done.

Can anyone tell me about the freedom program?

I feel sick. Sick at myself for letting him in my life. I feel upset for his ex wife's pain. I met him and she had passed away two years before at that point. I also am so angry that still right now he uses her pain and tragic loss to milk his own needs.
She left behind two very sweet children who are in their mid twenties and he openly uses them in his stories for their sympathy too.
They seem quite strong and together, a lot more than him.

Sorry am furious today.

I hate that he has made me feel like this. It's like being on an emotional rollercoaster. I want to get off it.

Jeez MUAH! Reading all this was like reading about my own ex... who was pschologically deranged, abusive, narcissistic, a pathological liar, manipulative, had been in prison for serious physical assault (I found out much later on after he seriously physically asssaulted me.

PLEASE LISTEN. This guy is very dangerous. He will take you to no good place other than emotional, mental and possibly physical HELL. Remove him from your life in every way... and do it now. You also need to remove this person completely from your son's life... please do it. In 2 months time you will feel safer, happier and relieved. Lots of love.

Thank you. I have been away from him for nearly 2 months now and I am getting stronger by posting on mumsnet. The scary thing is not many people know he is like this, I mean amongst his friends and family.

I hope anyone reading this thread and going through something similar helps them get out of their situation.

He will never be allowed through me to come near my child or me.

I think I am licking wounds at this point and feel drained by the whole thing.