My extremely jealous mother is tearing my family apart!

[WinterForest]

I am having problems with my mom right now. Basically she said she is angry with me and depressed because in her words, "I feel like you never want me to babysit your son. It's always your husband's mother who gets to see him. If you don't want me in your son's life then let me know so I can get over it." She basically is saying that she can't see her grandson because of me. She lives 2 hours away in the United States while I am in Canada. I can't go see her, with my son because she lives with a total creep (he is a registered sex offender) and I despise him and will not any any conditions EVER bring my son over there. Not ever.

I let her know this (in a polite way) even before I gave birth to my son who is now 10 months old. So the only option is for her to come here. We offered every possible means of her being able to visit. We said we could meet her at the border of U.S. and Canada to drive her here, anytime she wants. She can stay however long she wants. We even said she can live with us for free if she likes. We asked her (literally) 100 times in the last ten months whether she'd like to come visit. She made plans and said yes, but always cancelled them last minute because she gets panic attacks (I know what panic attacks are so I don't pressure her to come over if she feels like she is getting panic attacks). The thing is...every time she asked to come over I said a big YES, and was super excited to see her. I asked her many times if she wanted to come see our son.

Now she's really upset with me saying that I don't get to see her son. She is jealous that my husband's mom gets to see him. She has always been this way with "other parents" in the past whenever I had friends at school. She just hated them. She felt threatened by them like they were "better moms" or something. I think she is like this because she grew up in an abusive home, so she has some problems. I didn't grow up in an abusive home, and she was an amazing mom to me and my brother.

She basically doesn't want me to have ANY contact with my son's other 2 grandparents. She is jealous of them...but she won't come and visit us. She cancels EVERY single time for random reasons, which I think are panic attacks. Does anyone have any advice on this?

I even offered her panic attack meds for the trip over (the ones I have, which I never really need.) but she still won't budge and is now angry with me. This has been going on for the last 10 months. She blocked and deleted my husband's parents and finds it sickening that I even talk to them (which is really stressful to me because I can't stop my husband from letting our son see his other grandparents and I see no need for him not to.)

Ideally I want her to accept the fact that I have a husband and a baby now. There are other people in my life now (other than just her) and she will not accept this. If she had it her way she'd have me not talk to anybody (only her) break up with my husband and go live with her with the sex offender she is married to. Not going to happen! She is extremely jealous of everything in my life right now....how can I make her stop being this way and accept me. How can I get her to come visit.

I am kind of scared of her because last time I visited her (the christmas when I was pregnant) she actually phoned the cops on me (I've never been in trouble with the cops in my life). One night she just knocked on my door on Christmas Eve and said "all you want to do is be around your husband! Get out!" It was shocking. She got SO jealous that I had someone else in my life. I don't know what to do. I love her but she is making my life confusing and stressful right now. I don't want to cut her out of my life, I want her to accept that I have a husband, a baby, and other people around in my life now, and I want her to step up and be the grandmother I know she can be and stop blaming me for something I really can't control. Her fear of coming over and her anger towards pretty much anybody in my life that isn't her.

**she doesn't get to see her grandson.

But you know she isn't ever going to step up in the way you want, don't you? So I really think you need to step away. Tell her once and for all that she needs to see a doctor about her jealousy which is wholly unjustified and very unhealthy. If she wants to see your son she is very, very welcome to come to visit and she knows very well why you can't take your son to visit her. Tell her that if she wants to arrange to visit, that is fine, but only if she gets the doctor to help with her panic attacks so that she does not cancel at the last minute. And if she isn't willing to do that then, much as you regret it, you aren't going to be wasting any more time on her.

I know you don't want to cut her out of your life but this whole situation seems to be upsetting you so much when realistically there is nothing you can do about it because only your mother can remedy it, and she doesn't seem to want to. Surely you are better off concentrating on your husband and son and not getting yourself wound up about your mother?

I think you need to rethink your own attitudes. She is the only person who can change how she is and she doesn't want to change. What she wants is to control you. There is no magic formula or words for turning her into someone else. The only thing that you can change is your response to her. So instead of seeking the way to get the mother you want, accept the one you have and decide what you can and cannot offer her, and then love your life according to that.

Truth is she doesn't really want to do those things because she's made her choice to be with the creep. So now in her own mind she needs to blame you so it's not her choice.

The tricky part is, is that she phones me out of nowhere and leaves messages saying "how come you never let me see your son?" So she is acting like she really wants to but then blames me for it despite all my efforts to make her feel comfortable.

I want her to stop blaming me and being angry with me for something she wants to do, but isn't doing. :( Last night she sent me a random message after months of acting pretty normal and she basically said "you never let me see your son, you never ask me, it's NEVER."

It threw me off because I am constantly trying to get her to come over. I just don't get it.

Oh OP I'm sorry. Your mother is deeply jealous and I suspect even if you one day left your DH for some reason she would then transfer that jealousy to your son. I agree she wants to control you. She's trying to push you into going to her in whatever way possibly- either through guilting, stress or causing problems to your marriage with her behaviour.

Does she bring anything good to your life? She stresses you out, causes havoc, in jealous and spiteful and chose a sex offender over you and your son!

You are a nicer person then I am. Having all that crap I'd go NC and change my phone number.

She has indeed made her choice, and wants to make the ramifications of that choice into everyone else's problem and everyone else's fault.

She won't stop blaming you unless she has a personality change or someone gets through to her. You've tried and tried. Who is there? (rhetorical question)

So you can't change what she does or says. All you can do is not take any responsibility for how she feels

The good she brings to my life is that I do love her a lot. Whenever she is in a good mood and we talk on the phone, afterwards I'm all smiles and feel great. I usually love talking with my mom, she brings out this side of me that's really lovely.

She has this other side of her though that has been not so good ever since I had a baby and found a husband. It's getting so bad it's hard to recognize her anymore. She basically wants me to lose contact with my husband's mother and father. She absolutely hates that I let my son go over there because I guess to her it looks like a happy family...and it's making her really upset. I seriously think she wants me to divorce my husband and move there with her...or something ridiculous. Once she pressured me so much I actually tried really hard not to talk to my husband's parents, just to make her happy, but she found out we had our son over there this month for about a week and she is angry about it.

She hates all the pictures of them holding their grandson. She feels like they are her enemy or something. Now she is basically threatening to not be a part of my life. Pretty much out of nowhere. I am scared to respond to her. I don't know what to tell her.

My mum can be very difficult but not quite as terrible as yours is currently behaving I live close to my OH's family and she is very jealous of their relationship with both me and my son. It's a very stressful situation having someone so negative in your life.

With regard to your immediate problem, I would keep an actual log of all the times you invite her/offer a solution/chance to see your son. That way when she throws the NEVER in your face you can counter it with evidence of all the opportunities she has been given. Honestly, she will most likely react badly to being challenged (if she's anything like my mum) but you at least know you are totally in the right and she can't get inside your head and make you question yourself like she is currently doing.

In your situation going NC does seem like a sensible option but I know it's not always that simple in real life with real feelings.

Sadly you can't change her behaviour. She will continue like this and there is nothing that you can do or not do to alter that fact.

All you can change is your response.

She basically made plans 50 times now and every single time she changed her mind the night before. "I can't because the roof here needs to be fixed, I hurt my leg, I can't because there is a book sale that day, I can't because I have to fix the lawn it's getting out of control"...like the most random reasons why not to.

Now she's run out of reasons and now I am the reason. :( It's like she hates me for everything I ever achieved in life. There's no winning with her.

I did try NC before, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. All week I was miserable ...I couldn't do it :( She's my only family other than my brother, and she is 70 years old now, so I feel like I need to be in her life or I'd regret it.

She just hates me so much right now though, for something that I don't know how to fix. I know I can't really fix it but I tried to, and it only made my life miserable whenever I did.

It's really sad; she's really sad, unfulfilled and has made bad choices. But she did it; she's your mum and you did your job by growing up and making a good relationship. It's sad she lashes out and blames others instead of making changes.

It's not your job to allow her to make you feel bad.

Could you say to her: ' I know you feel trapped, but you are not trapped. If you want, I will help you find people who can help you with your panic attacks. You can come here when you want, as you know. But if you shout at me, or blame me, or are rude about other people, I will put the phone down every time'

Another thing that occurs:

Is it possible she's confused, or is drinking (and these outbursts happens when she is drunk?)

Yes can you make arrangements by email, or failing that, letter? Then there's no way she can claim you never ask her. Just say "I asked you and made arrangements for you to visit on X, X, X, X, X, X, X and X date and many others, but you cancelled. I cannot have this conversation with you if you won't stick to the facts." Then change the subject.

Also the next time she starts up about your in-laws I'd remind her that they don't have sex offenders in their home. That is a totally valid reason for you not to visit. Rather that you cutting off contact with them - who have done nothing wrong - ask why doesn't she cut off contact with him and never see him again, then you'd be able to visit.

I'm not excusing her as her behaviour is awful, but is she trapped with this bloke? Is she being abused and daren't leave him? Could you point out she can leave him if she wants to?

The funny thing is she actually taught me to stay away from sex offenders, pedophiles, drug dealers, all those sorts of people. She taught me my whole life because her dad was one.

My upbringing was normal. No problems, and by the time I grew up I knew what sort of people to stay away from. My husband is amazing and he has a great family, and I don't even understand why she doesn't want me to have a family other than her being jealous. She always knew her own husband was a sex offender but has now been with him for over 10 years.

There was one incident where he found me alone, and hugged me so hard I was pushed up against a wall. It scared me because I was only 18 at the time and my mom was jealous that he was attracted to me. It was messed up. Now I'm 30 and he doesn't bother with me...thank god, but really...she has no idea how her choices effected me these last 10 years. It's made everything so unstable.

I refuse to go over there anymore even without my son. I personally don't want to be anywhere near that guy.

The fact that she is so upset at me for having a normal life, and inviting her over all the time, is a lot for me to process. She always said she wanted to move away from that guy and there were nights she'd phone me and asked us if we'd help her move out and we said yes, and made elaborate, detailed plans on the whole thing. We'd help her in any and every way possible, but as usual...she would go back into her shell and stay there.

Blaming me for her not seeing her grandchild at the same time. :(

She sounds a bit toxic really and you sound more conditioned than anything else. If she wanted to see your son, she would. If she wanted to see you, she would. She's sounds like she's using this (however unintentionally) to punish you for daring to grow up and get married. She's might also be jealous because she'll think that your MIL is a better mum to you than she is (which kind of sounds a bit like it might be true in some ways??) .... How loving and close are you generally? Does she tell you she loves you? Ask about anything but this? How insecure is she generally?

Ah, cross post. Was she messed up by her dad by any chance?

"It's like she hates me for everything I ever achieved in life"

That's exactly it, she does hate you for what you have achieved. Unlike her, you made good choices. She remains with a known sex offender for her own reasons and she gets what she wants out of that relationship too.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward because this is really about power and control.

You can only change how you yourself react to her.

You are ultimately not responsible for her or her long series of poor choices. Its not your fault she is like this, her own family of origin did that to her.

It is not at all surprising to now read that her own childhood was one where abuse featured.

Again, you can only change how you react to her. She has you jumping to her tune and you are still on some level seek her approval. She is not and will never be the person you so want her to be; let that go.

Do her good points and times make it worth the stress and heartache? Right now your DS doesn't have a clue but as he gets bigger he'll notice something is wrong. If she's so jealous of people seeing him now, aren't you worried she'll try to turn him against them when older just to have him for herself?

I have to agree with AttilaTheMeerkat , she sounds toxic.

You say that she was a great mom but also that she has always been extremely jealous of other parents. I wonder if the way she parented you was all that healthy. It sounds like maybe it was always a bit on the possessive side and it's now escalating, perhaps because of age, a lack of anything else to focus on or some other reason. You don't really have any control over that. Her distress at not being able to see your son is her own doing. You've done pretty much everything that you can do to try and make things better for her but she's stuck. I think that you may benefit from getting some counselling to help deal with things so that you can get a healthy distance on the relationship.