My extremely jealous mother is tearing my family apart!

[WinterForest]

I am having problems with my mom right now. Basically she said she is angry with me and depressed because in her words, "I feel like you never want me to babysit your son. It's always your husband's mother who gets to see him. If you don't want me in your son's life then let me know so I can get over it." She basically is saying that she can't see her grandson because of me. She lives 2 hours away in the United States while I am in Canada. I can't go see her, with my son because she lives with a total creep (he is a registered sex offender) and I despise him and will not any any conditions EVER bring my son over there. Not ever.

I let her know this (in a polite way) even before I gave birth to my son who is now 10 months old. So the only option is for her to come here. We offered every possible means of her being able to visit. We said we could meet her at the border of U.S. and Canada to drive her here, anytime she wants. She can stay however long she wants. We even said she can live with us for free if she likes. We asked her (literally) 100 times in the last ten months whether she'd like to come visit. She made plans and said yes, but always cancelled them last minute because she gets panic attacks (I know what panic attacks are so I don't pressure her to come over if she feels like she is getting panic attacks). The thing is...every time she asked to come over I said a big YES, and was super excited to see her. I asked her many times if she wanted to come see our son.

Now she's really upset with me saying that I don't get to see her son. She is jealous that my husband's mom gets to see him. She has always been this way with "other parents" in the past whenever I had friends at school. She just hated them. She felt threatened by them like they were "better moms" or something. I think she is like this because she grew up in an abusive home, so she has some problems. I didn't grow up in an abusive home, and she was an amazing mom to me and my brother.

She basically doesn't want me to have ANY contact with my son's other 2 grandparents. She is jealous of them...but she won't come and visit us. She cancels EVERY single time for random reasons, which I think are panic attacks. Does anyone have any advice on this?

I even offered her panic attack meds for the trip over (the ones I have, which I never really need.) but she still won't budge and is now angry with me. This has been going on for the last 10 months. She blocked and deleted my husband's parents and finds it sickening that I even talk to them (which is really stressful to me because I can't stop my husband from letting our son see his other grandparents and I see no need for him not to.)

Ideally I want her to accept the fact that I have a husband and a baby now. There are other people in my life now (other than just her) and she will not accept this. If she had it her way she'd have me not talk to anybody (only her) break up with my husband and go live with her with the sex offender she is married to. Not going to happen! She is extremely jealous of everything in my life right now....how can I make her stop being this way and accept me. How can I get her to come visit.

I am kind of scared of her because last time I visited her (the christmas when I was pregnant) she actually phoned the cops on me (I've never been in trouble with the cops in my life). One night she just knocked on my door on Christmas Eve and said "all you want to do is be around your husband! Get out!" It was shocking. She got SO jealous that I had someone else in my life. I don't know what to do. I love her but she is making my life confusing and stressful right now. I don't want to cut her out of my life, I want her to accept that I have a husband, a baby, and other people around in my life now, and I want her to step up and be the grandmother I know she can be and stop blaming me for something I really can't control. Her fear of coming over and her anger towards pretty much anybody in my life that isn't her.

Counselling might also be a good idea so you don't end up repeating these patterns unconsciously yourself too.

Yeah her father was a total monster. He used to rape my mom's sister every single day. He also raped my mom's brother. It made her brother really messed up to the point where he raped 2 people himself (he's now in jail for life). As for her father he barely had any jail time and died a few years ago. My mom went to go visit him one last time and asked me if I wanted to go. I said no. I was terrified of ever meeting him.

My own dad was normal though. He was a great dad but died at 50 from a heart attack. This devistated me and this sort of makes me stay in my mom's life as much as possible. My mom and dad were divorced during my life though because he cheated....and despite this, they stayed friends and I got to have a dad. He might not have been the best guy from a girl's standpoint, that's for sure, but as a father he was amazing to my brother and I. He was in our lives all the time until the very end and loved us. He phoned us every single day and visited all the time. He did things like wear these paper ties with art on them we made in kindergarten to his work. Stuff like that :)

Luckily my mom actually did a great job keeping me away from all these other people growing up. She protected my brother and I from her other siblings and her own dad....UNTIL she met her husband. Now she seems to think it's totally okay for me to contact these people ...but I don't want to!

It's like he's put a spell over her or something. It's now okay to have predators in my life? I don't think so! The only people I talk to in my family is her, and her sister (because she is really kind despite what happened and as been to therapy all her life). She is actually an amazing woman.

My mom said she never was raped, but her father said he didn't rape her because he thought she was ugly. Yeah....I was lucky to be born a generation away from this. It still causes problems though, like in my mom's case right now.

All I can really do at this point is protect my son...and she is insulted by this. She is jealous, angry, hateful....and it's all my fault according to her. She won't even leave this guy for one second to see her grandchild. :(

Next time she says, 'you never let me see my grandson,' all you have to reply is, 'yes I do but you cancel every time.'

End of conversation.

DO NOT let her make you feel bad! You have done nothing wrong. I know it's hard but you may have to accept she isn't going to change, her being in your life causes you pain and right now you need to concentrate on your own little family.

(BTW how does she justify living with a registered sex offender? I mean how does that work??)

She is showing me a side of her...that she never did before. It's like she is now the same little girl she once was or something. It's as if she is now 8 years old living in that h*ll hole. She was never like this until she met her new husband.

It's driving me crazy because she definitely makes me feel guilty. Sometimes I think of going to therapy myself because of this. I really do. Normally I am pretty happy though. I really love my son and my husband and my life. I just am having the biggest problems right now with what she is going through. I want to help her. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that she won't let me, and she asks for help but then changes her mind.

OK that's one seriously messed up family; how horrific. Those poor children.

But if she's been a good mum to you in the past then it's not like she has no concept of how to be that person. She does know how to be a good mum but she's choosing to torment you instead.

Her childhood is a reason for some of her issues but does not justify her behaviour towards you.

Yeah I always hated telling my friends about my "family" history. I usually only told them about my mom and dad, and brother. Kind of left those people out because it was embarrassing. My mom made sure to tell as all about it so then we'd know why family visits were out of the question. I didn't tell anybody because all my friends had normal family history's (or normal grandpa's more like). Now I always have to tell people about it because of how my mom is acting.

I will never tell my son any of it though. :( Yikes.

The thing is I am so over that part about my family though. It took a while but I didn't let it embarrass me anymore. I just talk about it now. I grew up and finally learned that just because my grandpa was really messed up it didn't mean anything in terms of my life. I let it go. I moved on, my mom hasn't (and probably for good reason). It's really too bad though because I know deep down she is an amazing person, who is making a really bad choice, and choosing to let it basically ruin her whole life right now.

My guess is she's playing a mind game or, at worse, grooming you so that you eventually get so desperate to see her, so guilty that your in laws get to spend time with your ds, that you take the baby into the home of the sex offender.

She has some very serious issues to deal with and by making this dreadful choice she is turning her back on any chance of a good state of mental health.

I think you should go into therapy - your upbringing was not healthy, your family background is appalling. You truly do need to stop seeking her approval and see her for what she is, a very damaged individual who is refusing help.

I do strongly suggest that you seek counselling because from what you have described, she was not a good mother. She sure as shit isn't one now. Sadly, that won't change. She will never love you the way you need to be loved. I'm sorry.

The very wise Attila suggested Toxic Parents and I agree. It's available on Kindle. You might also benefit from When You And Your Mother Can't Be Friends.

It's driving me crazy because she definitely makes me feel guilty. Sometimes I think of going to therapy myself because of this.

Yes, do go to therapy. Your reactions to your mother are not normal. The rest of your life sounds normal and happy but for some reason your reactions to your mother are extremely abnormal.

She wants you and your child to hang out with a sex offender. That alone is enough reason to cut her off until she splits up with him.

She blamed you for being attacked at 18 by that sex offender. That alone is enough reason to cut her off until she splits up with him.

She tries to split up you and your husband. She tries to stop her grandchild from seeing the grandparents who are normal and lovely. Both good enough reasons to cut her off.

By staying in contact and enabling her dramas you are probably making her worse. She has to be left to stand on her own two feet and choose to sort out her own problems.

I did try NC before, and it made me feel sick to my stomach. All week I was miserable ...I couldn't do it
This is a serious topic but that statement did make me laugh. All week Expect to cry for at least 6 weeks with nc. Your normal human reactions have been severely damaged by your mother, you have to give them time to heal.

Are you sure you didn't grow up in an abusive home?

No I didn't grow up in an abusive home. She never hit us, swore at us, nothing. We always all used to laugh together. Lots of people would comment how close my mother and I were saying things like "it's rare when a daughter and mother are best friends".

It's basically the last 10 years that threw me off guard...at first I ignored it, but now that it's way worse than before it bothers me a lot. Well I tried phoning her tonight to basically apologize (even though I'm not sure what for) and I said I loved her and I missed her and OF course I want her to come over.

I also said that when my son goes to visits his other grandparents that it really hasn't anything to do with me. My husband takes him there to see them. I go sometimes, but usually I let him go so he can see his old friends that also live there. I go see my friends as well while the grandparents take our son for a bit. When I said this she said "F YOU!!!" and hung up.

She's never said this to me before. It's left me shattered. :( What did I ever do to make her hate me? All I did was try to achieve things in life, and have her involved....and now she just hates me. Also...just last month she was acting normal. :( Which makes it even more confusing.

I can't even talk to her right now. I'm not officially scared of her. Wow...what a terrible day. :( NC seems like it very well will happen at this point...except she's probably going to do this to me.

Now officially scared of her* Even my brother doesn't know what to do. Thanks for all the help, it really helped me open my eyes.

I'm sort of where you are right now OP, in that I thought my mother and I were close and in the last year I've found that to be untrue.

Unlike you my mother isn't mean to my face, it turns out she was bitching about me (and my siblings of course) behind my back.

Instead of living with a paedophile, she's living with my estranged sibling who has caused all manner of trouble (it's an extremely lengthy history that includes self harm and telling the school it was our mother, telling the school dad hit her, telling people I was pregnant - twice, theft, false accusations of rape, etc...) in her lifetime, and definitely in the last year.

Your mother is being emotionally abusive. When you do the "right thing" (i.e. do what you're told) you're rewarded with her being nice to you. When you do the "wrong thing" (i.e. not abiding by her wishes) you are punished. This is not a healthy relationship and it certainly doesn't sound like things will go back to the way they were.

I think you should see a counsellor. I think you will find, just as I did, that there was more to your childhood than the happy memories you have. I think you will find that this mother always existed, just that prior to getting married you simply always bent to her whim so she didn't need to get this hostile about it all.

I think you should see a counsellor. I think you will find, just as I did, that there was more to your childhood than the happy memories you have. I think you will find that this mother always existed, just that prior to getting married you simply always bent to her whim so she didn't need to get this hostile about it all.

Yeah, this.

I think she is very jealous of your life. I think you have what she wanted and instead of being happy for you, she is trying to destroy it.

Any message she sends that is means or nasty ignore. Only reply to messages that are nice. If she asks to come up, 'say sure, anytime, let me know when and where and we will have the guest bedroom ready.' but don't make any arrangements for her.

Get a counsellor but ensure you get one that doesn't advocate to keep families together at any cost. Because usually the cost is at your expense.

And don't keep yourself from having a relationship with your in laws because of some misguided loyalty to her. She has proven that she has no loyalty towards you and that her loyalty is firmly with a child molester. I would hate for you to miss out on a chance to have a wonderful relationship with them just because she is upset. My in laws are wonderful and my mother in law has been more of a mother to me than my own mother. Which is where i get the idea that your mother is jealous of you, not your in laws.

your mother has lived in hell and you and your brother have been affected by that. You def shd go for counselling to help you break free. Is it possible your mother is involved with drugs /alcohol ? has she ever had counselling ? You are doing the right thing putting your child first. Even if she does come to visit you be very careful as she does not sound stable. Don't ever go to live with her no matter what happens.

Stop apologising to her to try to earn her love - you are just perpetuating the myth you've done something wrong when you've done nothing wrong (except perhaps enabling her despicable behaviour).

Stop making excuses to her about your child seeing your in laws (his grandparents). You tell her it's all your husband's doing that your son visits them. Why? Are you seriously saying if it wasn't for your husband you'd stop your son seeing his grandparents who are good people, love their grandson and have done nothing wrong? If so, why? To pacify your unreasonable mother? If not, think about why you're making these 'excuses' to your mother. To 'spare' her feelings of jealousy that her grandson is visiting his other grandparents? To stop her being angry even though she never bothers to visit him herself? By doing that you're implying her behaviour is normal. And you do know it's not normal don't you? Tell her straight, if she asks, that yes, he visits his grandparents. No excuses or justification required because none are needed!

You need to acknowledge your role in this abusive relationship and recognise that your excuse-making, pacification and justification in your dialogue with your mother just feeds her ridiculous claims that she is hard done by. You are enabling her tirades by engaging with her pathetic 'woe is me' act and allowing her to make you feel bad. Cut off the oxygen supply to her tantrums.

You feel like she has all the power because of her ability to make you feel so bad but you actually have the power here. Use it to assert yourself. You don't need to make excuses just don't engage when she gets ridiculous by saying, 'you are being unreasonable so I'm not going to speak to you now. Call me when you are prepared to speak to me with some respect.'

Personally I'd go NC with her. But it's worth a try at standing up to her first.

slight break with the trend here (and i've been non contact with my parents for nearly two years now so it's not a family must be preserved thing).

i'd write to her personally saying that i am really worried about her mental health. i'd say what you've said about how proud you are that despite her messed up start she was a good mother to you and determinedly protected you and your brother from her messed up family and taught you never to accept people or behaviour such as she grew up with in her life and that it is that solid foundation that she gave you which makes you so resolute not to have contact with her husband etc.

i'd say you've done all you can to facilitate her coming to visit and have been patient and tolerant of her canceling as you've assumed she is anxious/has her reasons and haven't wanted to pressure her or make her feel bad yet there is no way you can take the blame for her not coming and it is totally unfair for her to blame this on you.

i'd say that just as she knew when raising you you know that your first job is to make sure your son is safe and happy and try to give him a normal, healthy, happy childhood and htat that is where your prime energy has to be and that you wish she could be a part of that by coming to visit but she has so far chosen not to and that now her outbursts and strange behaviour are threatening that by making you stressed and unhappy when you have a young child to take care of.

i would say that you would be very sad and unhappy if she chooses to no longer be part of your life but that you have no control over that - that her behaviour and thoughts have seemed to become unrational and unreasonable and impossible for you to 'fix' and that it is really up to her now whether she wants to be a healthy part of your life or whether she wants to continue down this strange path she is on whereby she is choosing to not be part of your life yet blame you for it.

i'd end with a 'you know where we are, you know you are welcome to visit and that nothing has changed with me or this' and that it is up to her whether she wants to be in your life or not and that if she really believes the things she is saying to you about you not letting her see him etc then you think she should see a doctor and get some help.

i'd do it in a letter, send it and see that letter as your line in the sand where you've said what you have to say and it's up to her and from that point you don't take it anymore - re: don't let him see the GPs - 'you are being irrational again', you won't let me see him - 'you know this is untrue and unfair and you are being irrational'. etc.

essentially the letter becomes a thank you letter in a way for what she did well and a reminder of who she was/is/can be in your life as well as a boundary drawing exercise of where you are not willing to go with her. it sounds like you, for your sake, need to do it positively and that it may work better with her than outright NO! type assertion also by gently reminding her of the best of her values/achievements as a woman and mother who survived abuse.

in reality i would suspect that whilst no, your mother wasn't abusive, and you don't feel you had a messed up childhood - if you spent some time reflecting it's quite possible that there were some confusing issues about boundaries and your 'separateness' as a person from her. the challenge is likely to be in finding peace and confidence in your right to be that separate person and to set your own boundaries without guilt or feeling like it's an act of violence or aggression to do so.

Please see a counsellor! Please.

No I didn't grow up in an abusive home. She never hit us, swore at us, nothing. We always all used to laugh together. Lots of people would comment how close my mother and I were saying things like "it's rare when a daughter and mother are best friends". This could sound sweet or be a red flag of a too involved mother.
Laughing together doesn't necessarily mean a healthy family. Read some of the other posts here - lots of people say of their very abusive DP's "but he's a lovely father" or "he shows me how much he loves me". The important thing to know is that abusers are rarely "nasty" all the time - real life isn't full of Disney baddies.

Just how young did your mother tell you about her background? Was it age appropriate information?

Did she make it that you couldn't criticise her because of what her family had done to her?

Were all her faults blamed on what they had done to her?

How do you feel if you think something bad about her?

Please do talk to a counsellor about those feelings of panic when you went non-contact - what is really causing them?

I so agree with MummyTime's post, partly because so much of what you've written resonates with my own childhood and relationship with my mum (who had a different sort of abusive childhood herself). It took randomly meeting DH, an amazing and understanding guy who's never taken her quirks and antipathy towards him personally, to begin to get away from it myself. And it took years to establish mental boundaries and learn that I'm not responsible for her moods, feelings or reactions, and to go semi-NC with her. I'm a generally oversensitive person - are you too????? ... I have to say, I'm too sure about the letter. I don't think your mum's rational or ever going to listen to you, and I just think she'll take it the wrong way and "use" it as evidence against you in a way you couldn't predict (but maybe that's inevitable anyway however your relationship goes from now on). At the most I think you will only ever get a Fuck You and she'll read wrong things or passive aggressive things into it. However it might be worth writing these feelings down even if you don't post them to her, or writing it after you've had some counselling. And yes, please please see a counsellor. There are issues here you don't want to repeat accidentally or hit you later - especially if you are heading towards something like NC with her.

(Sorry, extra long chunk of text as my bloody paragraphs aren't working on the app!)

It is not normal or healthy for mothers and daughters to be "best friends". One is a parent, the other a child. I suspect the dynamic of your childhood was all wrong, OP. You sound desperate to appease your mother. That is not normal either.

I think it is notable that it was your mother's sister who was raped by their father, rather than her, and that when her husband basically molested you, her response was to be jealous of you. Can you see how fucked up that is? She is still trying to "fix" her father through her relationship with her husband. You have taken on the role of her sister in this scenario. Her intense jealousy is about her father, fucked up as that may be.

You are right to stay well away from that and to keep your son away. I think you need counselling and you need to cut your mother off. She is damaging you.

I also said that when my son goes to visits his other grandparents that it really hasn't anything to do with me. My husband takes him there to see them.

Wow. Way to choose sides against your DH. Did you tell him you had said this?

You need to stand up and own your decision not to allow your child to have contact with a registered sex offender. If your mother doesn't like the consequences of that (primarily that the child sees his other grandparents more) then so be it. By putting it all your DH you are hinting to her that she can work on you to exploit divisions between you and him.

During your childhood she did this: She has always been this way with "other parents" in the past whenever I had friends at school. She just hated them.

I think you have spent your whole life having to be her best friend because she's unable to form healthy adult relationships of her own. She wants to drive a wedge between you and your DH so that you become 'hers' again.

Stop try to chase her approval - she probably will withdraw contact as a punishment now, to try to bring you to heel. Stand your ground.

I'm afraid when I read this I thought the same as tribpot My guess is she's playing a mind game or, at worse, grooming you so that you eventually get so desperate to see her, so guilty that your in laws get to spend time with your ds, that you take the baby into the home of the sex offender.

To what extent her new partner is driving that, I don't know. Is he controlling enough to stop her seeing you when you've made plans?

Your mother is very damaged. A victim herself, of terrible abuse, she's now living with a sex offender. She seems unable to form normal, reciprocal adult relationships and you are being hurt by the fall out. she needs help, but you are not the appropriate person to do this.

Maintain a normal relationship with your in laws. Your mothers jealousy should not drive a wedge between you, your husband and his family. Please don't reduce visits to them, or not go yourself. You need to cultivate the healthy relationships in your life.

Be more firm with your mother. Make it extremely clear that your door has been open and you have invited her many times. A calm, "we invite you, you always cancel," will do when she starts the "you never let me see him" stuff. Repeat like a broken record and do not negotiate unfortunately, she's behaving like the child here, so you have to be the adult.

Thirdly, recognise that you don't know the extent of her partners role in this. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was behind the multiple cancellations. When was the last time you saw your mother face to face? Is there anyone local or any agencies that can physically check up on her?

Finally, no matter what pressure you're under, you never, ever crack and take either yourself or your child to see her.