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Original poster

FWB is going on a date...

90 replies

BreadstickBev · 17/09/2015 13:53

I have a FWB... All started as a no strings just for fun agreement, and yes a lot of fun was had. I probably have fallen into the trap of being too dependant on him, physically and emotionally. He is very open / honest with me & told me last night he has a date planned for Saturday night. This has floored me & I'm a mess (and im usually not a cryer)

We were very emotionally close, shared interests, finished eachother sentences, basically he is the male version of me & vice versa re him. He has been texting his date for a week and has definitely cooled towards me, very noticeably in fact.

It is not possible for us to have a "normal" relationship due to various factors. I had never thought about him dating before but now it's an all consuming thought.

I don't know what I want from this thread but I just want to stamp my feet & cry & scream that he's my bit of fun Sad I don't want him with anyone else.

Ive wished him well & he says it's only a date & he'll keep in contact with me. Has anyone ever came through the other side of this, because at the minute, I'm not sure I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... Sad

OP posts:
NotTodaySatan · 22/09/2015 16:31

How are you doing Bev?

Gabilan · 22/09/2015 17:27

" He told me & I agreed that he was not going to be my knight in shining armour whisking me away from the shit situation I'm in. It was sex, it was fun, it was spending time with a like minded person. He's just out of a long term marriage & living on his own & was explicit in saying he'd never get married again."

Given what you've said about how good looking he is, OP it sounds to me as if he's used to getting his own way. It was him telling you. I agree he hasn't actually done anything wrong since you both agreed it was casual. But this is a recently separated, very good looking man who's dropping his children off at the school gates and turning heads whilst he does it. I'd say you're well off out of it.

I've done the FWB thing and it was fun. Hurt when we ended the arrangement but the fun outweighed that. I agree with PP - the situation is not good for you. At the very least give yourself some space from him.

OneBreathAfterAnother · 22/09/2015 18:30

I hope you're okay, OP.

I can understand you wanting to hear that the date was crap, but even if he said it, he's actively looking and that means you get hurt, so this has to end.

brokenhearted55a · 22/09/2015 18:55

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ToGoBoldly · 22/09/2015 19:02

Sometimes all someone wants is a good shag. No harm in that. If you want more, FWB isn't for you. You are dooming yourself to failure and misery. Especially if you kid yourself and the other person that you are fine with just sex.

Gabilan · 22/09/2015 19:06

"What makes me upset is why we are good enough for sex but not a relationship."

Well in my case we lived a long way apart (3 hrs by car, longer by public transport). He didn't want an LDR. I would have considered it in the short term but in the long term I was not going to move to where he lived - small town with no mainline train station and such an elderly population with so few working that it didn't have a rush hour. There were just no employment prospects there for me. He had a better chance of employment where I was but didn't want to move.

We ended things when someone he'd had a very brief relationship with 6 years previously clicked her fingers and demanded him back. He'd initially been seeing her for a few weeks and he said at the time that he was in love with her. She dumped him and gave him a list of all the things that were wrong with him. However, this treatment was apparently preferable to all the friendship I'd given him over the years. In the end, I can only assume it's his problem/ shrug and move on/ be really magnanimous and wish him well. OK, not the last one.

brokenhearted55a · 22/09/2015 19:59

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ToGoBoldly · 22/09/2015 20:06

Because some people like sex with someone they don't want more with. That's fine if all cards are on the table like they were in the OPs situation.

I have been in the situation where I have liked someone, liked having sex with them but it wasn't going to go anywhere. I can either walk away and not have sex because it's not going anywhere, or I can enjoy it for what it is. If someone who was more viable for a relationship came along, so be it. As long as no one is being duped, which they wouldn't be if it's labeled FWB, it's perfectly valid.

If you don't want to share a relationship that's purely physical and would be offended by the other person looking for a more meaningful relationship, being an FWB is definitely not for you.

brokenhearted55a · 22/09/2015 20:22

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TheUrbaneFox · 22/09/2015 20:22

brokenhearted55a my heart/brain works like this. Picture a venn diagram here! Circle 1 represents the group of people you'd have sex with. Circle two is the people with whom you do not want to have a relationship. Only where these two groups over lap do you have a good candidate for a ''fwb''.

In my case, there's very little over lap. For other people the overlap is bigger I think. Or must be bigger?!

some people go through life with regular FWBs but it's never happened to me!!

TheUrbaneFox · 22/09/2015 20:26

I agree with Gabilan. I thought of that too. If he was literally "turning heads" up at the school gates, I think it is possible he is used to women feeling honoured to sleep with him for a while. Your five minutes in the sun babe.

ToGoBoldly · 22/09/2015 20:29

That's a really good explanation, Fox.

Brokenhearted, you weren't a viable option because he wasn't into you in that way. It sucks when that happens but it's something you have to accept -not everyone will want to date you and fall in love with you. They may take sex if you are offering it though, because you don't need to be in love to enjoy sex.

brokenhearted55a · 22/09/2015 20:33

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ToGoBoldly · 22/09/2015 20:48

So how did he lie? He said you were in a relationship but you weren't? Or that you were testing the waters? Because if so, you weren't FWBs

If he suggested you be fixed term sex partners then you knew the deal.

Gabilan · 22/09/2015 20:50

Broken you can spend a lot of time and effort analysing someone's behaviour. Sometimes though it's quicker just to acknowledge that they're a wanker.

ToGoBoldly · 22/09/2015 20:54

Galiban has it.

your guy doesn't sound like an FWB, he sounds like a twat. WineCake broken your heart will be fixed! You just need to cleanse your thoughts of the wanker sorts.

TheUrbaneFox · 22/09/2015 20:56

yeh, he was more of a cad and a bounder as jane austen might have said. less of a fwb and more of a CAB

TheUrbaneFox · 22/09/2015 20:56

or a wanker, yes, another term that fits. he was a lying wanker.

brokenhearted55a · 22/09/2015 20:58

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ToGoBoldly · 22/09/2015 21:04

Ah then the terms were not FWB terms. If someone does that, ditch them asap.

brokenhearted55a · 22/09/2015 21:09

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Nonnainglese · 22/09/2015 21:09

It's interesting that OP can tell FWB that she's going on a date, with little thought about what it might mean to him (and I suspect from his response it did mean something to him) but when he does it then OP is expecting MNs to support her?

He's done absolutely nothing wrong at all, in fact he's been honest and open with OP.

Move on, it's over, he's made, and is making, it blatantly clear.

ToGoBoldly · 22/09/2015 21:14

Yes, well if you go for a Fwb again (though it's clearly not right for you) ditch them before they get a chance to ditch you, if they start giving mixed messages

Nonna is the OP dating others? I missed that. But most of us agree with you, he's done nothing wrong.

brokenhearted55a · 22/09/2015 21:17

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ToGoBoldly · 22/09/2015 21:18

It's a learning curve, broken. We've all made errors Wink