Advice needed ref marriage

[JAC1976]

Ok so this is a really difficult topic to post. I feel like my head is going to explode! I am married to a wonderful man for 12 years and two children . Problem is there has always been a niggling feeling that I just don't "fancy" him. We have gone through the mill with two children with disabilities and done lots to our house which is wonderful but I am just not happy. Not sure if it s that time of life or marriage - the intimacy for me is just not there - I just find sex with him not something I want. I plucked up the courage to tell him and it cut him up understandably. We are trying to work through it but I just don't know what to do. We are the couple that everyone says are suited which we are but not sure if it's more just as friends - I want to hug him I love him care for him but no urges of sex with him. I am having counselling next week something I never thought I would do but it s tearing us apart. I wonder if I have just switched off from our marriage and worry I will regret it totally. Not to mention the heartache for our children if we were to split it would totally devastate them and my husband and family. One thing he said to me was he still fancies me and wouldn't have married me if he hadn't. The problem is I did not fancy him ( I didn't tell him that) I loved him as a person and I think now things are more evident this is the case. I feel truly in turmoil. I worry I think that things will be better with someone else and they won't. I am 38 years old and worry for our children what it would do to them they adore their dad.

Did you have a good sex life before the kids? Because if so, that is something that can be regained, with work and compromise on both sides.

If you've never felt sexually attracted to him, I can't imagine there's any way of fixing that.

I was going to say that if you're happy to have a marriage without sex then you could give him permission to open the marriage on his side. However by your last couple of lines it sounds like you want to leave and find someone you're more sexually compatible with?

Thank you for your reply . I don't think I was totally sexually attracted to him , he came along at the right time for me and I loved being with him but I don't remember the sex being amazing . I think I just went along with it. Then with the trials we have been through it took my mind off it ie having kids etc. I also taken bit of a liking to a colleague but that is going nowhere as he is with someone and think I be just become a little obsessed. The thing is if we do split it will kill him and the kids would be absolutely heartbroken, I then will be in the dating game and worried about what I have done to him and the kids. Not to mention we have spent five years doing our house and not sure what would happen to that. I know it is now or never but also need to try and work at it ( but sometimes think about my life without him and the fact I need someone I am attracted to but that may not happen. I always thought it was my libido but think it s a problem with my feelings towards him. Or is it I just think grass is greener what if I split and never find that person I am attracted to? Arghhhh this is such an awful time

Ps JAC1976 I am now midlife2015

Thank you . You are so right I know it's a hard world out there and I have a fantastic man who loves me and the kids. I think my feelings were always there but were not in the forefront. Think now kids are 6 and 9 I have started questing my relationship with my DH and worry there will be nothing left when kids grown up. I know I am in pursuit of something that may not be there perhaps I shouldn't have settled down so soon at 22 . My dh is an amazing man and father just hope it's enough and yes it's a cattle market out there !! Think I have just become very unsettled and don't regret being honest with my DH. Just know how shit I feel now and hoping this resolves with us being together and me being happy. Thank you

Not not prying at all thank u - yes we cuddle /hug , sometimes he goes to hold my hand but I don't like holding his hand for some reason but I do give hugs and also hugs in bed. I think going back to basics is the right thing for this time we have absolutely no time together - he does have higher sex drive than me although I used to cry (without him knowing) when we discussed it as I always thought it was cos I didn't want to have sex with him rather than my libido. I certainly owe it to him and the kids to work on this, he just wants to put it right and bless him he feels helpless. I do worry is it the case of the passion was never there (which tbh it wasn't) but he is such a wonderful man and I am lucky with him. My Dh did point out I initiated sex last time which is true (something I rarely do and he stop asking for it) because I did fancy sex but not sure it is with him which is awful! He is my best friend but don't want to sound cliche I just don't fancy him. But I suppose those feeling s fizzle anyway and there has to be more to a relationship. I actually felt a weight had been lifted when I told him last weeks - it was something buried for so long I found myself regretting marrying him and wishing he was a shit husband so it would give me an excuse to leave!!! How awful. I know counselling Has to happen and have an appointment for myself first which is next week. I know marriage and sex life takes work so hoping the fact he still fancies me and I don't him but love him will be enough .

Thank you both for advice , it s been good to talk about it after burying it for so long. Cherrybakewells your grandmother was a wise woman !!

Sorry but at 38 are you really happy to spend the next 40+ years married to someone you don't even find attractive - are you really only there because of the kids?

I couldn't live that kind of lie, you can still be friends and still be great parents, you are denying him and yourself a chance to actually be with someone who loves you 100% and vice versa.

I just don't see how this would work out, unless you are happy to carry on like this for ever and ever and it will get even harder to leave and meet someone new when you are older - the fact you have posted shows this bothers you a lot, you are trying to ignore it, it wont go away I'm afraid, feelings don't.

Suppose one question to ask yourself would be, if you did spilt up and you did leave him, how would you feel if he met someone else that made him feel really desired and loved and the made the kids feel happy and secure, would you e happy for him?

Apologises should say: would you be happy for him.

I get the feeling from one of your earlier posts your head has been turned by the colleague at work and the only thing stopping you from persuing it, is he is already on relationship with someone else! Does that sound right?

If you don't fancy him and never have, you never will. Some people would work with what they have but it won't be easy and you are probably right, the future may be bleak when the kid leave home.

Maybe consider an open relationship or swinging or something where you can indulge with permission. You would have to be ok with it too though!

This is not as uncommon as you may think.

I was in this exact situation.My ExDH and I were best friends.But that was it for me.It took years for me to admit this to myself, another year to admit it to him and two years later we have now properly split up.5 horrible years in which I have felt mainly very guilty and sad that I couldn't just fancy him, as then our lives would have been perfect. I hated hurting him but I just couldn't carry on with it in the end ..I am 35 and I kept thinking what would happen when the DC's turn 18 and we are left with just each other.What a waste of both mine and DH's lives.He deserves to be with someone that loves him properly and actually so do I.
I have lost friends and some family over this.Life is much harder financially and I still actually do miss DH and I being friends (although we aren't at each others throats which I feel very lucky about), but I still feel that it was the right decision to make.Its not easy pretending.In fact its exhausting.I feel a lot happier now (if still terrifically guilty), and I believe and hope that ExDh will be happier too in the end.

Have you ever been physically attracted to him?

When you met did you have butterfly's in your stomach or did you drift together.

I think how you felt when you first met is important. For a lot of people they don't go through the initial attraction stage, they simply 'know' each other through mutual friends and grow to love each other.

If there was no initial spark then I doubt very much if you can manufacture it now.

Sorry probably unhelpful.

You say you've never really fancied him - those feelings aren't going to suddenly appear.

You can either try to stay together in a more or less celibate marriage, perhaps opening up to other people so you can both get your sexual needs met, or you can go your separate ways before you grow to hate and resent each other, and stay friendly, effective co-parents.

I feel for your DH - if my partner told me they didn't fancy me, I would be looking to end the relationship. Sex is very important to me and I couldn't be with someone who didn't want that level of intimacy with me.

Yes I feel so torn I can see reasons to stay and reasons to go - just need a crystal ball!! Hoping counselling helps me sort it out in my head. In the meantime it's a horrible time and I keep looking at the kids and thinking I am potentially ruin their world and they ve been thru enough with their disabilities . I want to stay and for it to be all ok , time will tell.

Ps I haven't said I don't fancy him I have said i am not sure I want sex with him - that cut him up enough ! I know there are different types of marriage/relationships out there and sure some people stay when they shud go and visa versa. When kids are involved it s so hard and heartbreaking

Oh dear. I also married someone I wasn't massively attracted to. He was nice and came along at the right time ect. As a naive twenty something I didn't think it mattered. I discovered it did. A lot.

Is there any way you COULD be attracted to him ?

I think I could try to be as he is a wonderful person - did you find happiness?

Yes , but with someone else.

No I grew to love him I never had the butterflies thing which perhaps is my issue now. I am wishing I had something like that - yes I would pursue this colleague if I wasn't married with kids but then tbh I am not sure if this is just an infatuation !!! But I'm thinking about him too much which is bad in itself - think one of those things where I would go for it and then be disappointed!!!

I've sent you a pm Op.